InsaneJournal

Who: Ed and Riza
What: coping with things-or trying to anyway.
When: Backdated to just after the Shattered Sight plot.
Where: their house
Warnings: aaangst
Status: Complete


Ed felt like crap. Physically, mentally, everything just hurt. He spent all his time in his room since everything had happened. He barely ate anything, he just couldn't find the energy to do so. He ate enough to stay alive, but he had lost weight during his time spent under the influence of orange county. He was struggling to keep going in this city and sinking fast. Now he couldn’t even talk to Sarah. Therapy had helped before but he didn't know what to say to her anymore.

He sighed and stared at the wall in a very nearly catatonic state, he didn't know what else to do with himself. The usual books went untouched, any food that may have been left for him was nearly having the same results.

It would be an understatement to say that Riza was worried, she was far beyond worried about Edward. But she wasn’t sure how to help him. Therapy would be her first place to turn too but she doubted Sarah wanted to see him just yet, and another therapist would take time. It had been luck that Ed and Sarah had gotten along as well as they had.

Perhaps Ed needed a break, just somewhere where there was no pressure or worries. Knocking on his door she entered and moved to sit on the bed, “Ed? Sweetheart, do you want to talk to me?” she asked him softly.

Ed didn’t move, he continued to lie there in spite of the presence of another person near by. He hadn’t even tried to talk to Al yet, he couldn’t face his brother. The things he’d done were unforgivable in his eyes, and he was tired. He was overwhelmed and burnt out. He was running on empty.

“You don’t have to talk to me.” He finally said after what felt like an eternity of silence. His eyes closed against the light that entered his room for a moment, but he didn’t shift or move much beyond that. “Maybe it’s better that you don’t.” He was dangerous and he believed it now.

Riza wrapped his hand in both of hers, “What if I want to?” she replied, “I want to help you Edward, I just don’t know how” she told him. Squeezing his hand in a comforting gesture, “Nobody blames you love, it wasn’t your fault you know? None of it”

"Then you are probably a fool. I could hurt you. " Others might know he wasn't too blame, but he didn't. He accepted Regina training willingly he thought. Whom he hadn't heard from since their last training session really. Honestly he was glad, she could be intimidating. "Why not, I'm the one who did that stuff? " He remembered it all too. "Al must hate me. "

“You could but I don’t think you will. You have a kind soul and loving heart Edward” Riza told him, “And you were taken advantage of by someone who exploited that. Your brother could never hate you and neither could I. We love you. We know it wasn’t really you”

Ed wasn’t sure he bought being manipulated, he thought he was smarter than that..and yet there were cages still set up in the alchemy lab that suggested otherwise. The place still very much felt like a lab instead of a place of practice that he’d initially set it to. “..How can you still say those things? I blood drained someone..I remember doing it every step.” And he was pretty sure he enjoyed it actually. He remembered enjoying it at the time, and it was sickening. He felt physically ill to his stomach as he faced her finally.

“I know and luckily she is going to be fine” Though Riza knew she wouldn’t be returning to work for her and didn’t really blame the woman for that. “Edward, would you do those things now?” she asked, seeing the horrified look on his face as he remembered his actions. Riza knew whatever power had been controlling him had tapped into something dark and brought it out but that wasn’t Edward, he was a good boy who tried so hard to be a strong grown up.

He seemed a little relieved at that news but it was still hard to swallow. "I don't know. " He was beyond the point of stressed out and couldn't tell if what he'd done was him or Regina influenced. "I don't know anymore! " He whimpered softly and clung onto the blankets. Logic wasn't a thing he could see just now, it was all cloudy.

“It’s okay, it’s okay” Riza soothed, stroking his back with one hand and letting her other one stroke through his hair. She offered only comfort and support letting him know she was there for him.

“I can’t even think straight anymore” On the plus side he didn’t feel like attacking her just then, but on the flip side everything felt like it was closing in again. “I feel like I’m losing my mind.” Everything felt like it was unwinding again and he had no idea how to deal with it.

“You aren’t I promise you that but maybe, well maybe you need a break. Away from all this to just relax and be you. No outside worries or stresses hmm?” Riza suggested, he needed to calm down and he’d never been calm in the house. Perhaps a holiday would work...

“I don’t even know who I am anymore.” He chewed at his lower lip, nerves all kinds of frayed. “What do you mean? “ Did she want to get rid of him after all? Honestly he wouldn’t blame her at this point. However if it really was a vacation, that would be different. “...Do I get to come back from this vacation?” He had to ask. Was that what people called crazy houses now? ‘vacations?’

“Oh sweetheart of course you do” Riza said moving so she could wrap her arms around him properly, Ed may not like hugs but he was going to get one because they both kind of needed it. “I just think you need to be somewhere that helps calm you for a while, like the ranch or somewhere. You feel safe there don’t you? More able to just be you” she suggested.

It wasn’t that he didn't like them, just that he was uncomfortable initiating them. He worried he'd hurt someone with his strength, so he rarely tried for them. This time around though he didn't fight it. He just rested against her quietly for a moment before nodding to that. The only other place he felt safer at was the ranch. " Neal said I could stay there once. " He hadn't accepted because he'd just gotten used to staying with Riza. He didn't hate it there but he couldn't stop thinking either about all the terrible things he'd done. All the reminders were there. Ed couldn't even breathe without worrying about it.

Riza wasn’t worried, she’d hug him a lot more if she knew that was his worry. “Maybe it would help then. We could speak to him, if you want to. And you can come back anytime you want, this will always be your home Edward, I want you to know that”

He wasn’t terribly into being touched but the human contact right now felt good. Grounding even, for a moment he even let his tired eyes close. He was so frazzled his hair reflected it. It was in total disarray. Ed nodded to that statement and for the moment let himself find a little solace in her touch. It almost reminded him of his mom. "I'm sorry I'm so fucked up. And I've fucked up so much. " He didn't want to feel so scattered, but he did. "No wonder dad didn't want me. "

Riza pressed a gentle kiss to his hair, “You are not fucked up, and you haven’t fucked up at all. Your dad is an ass who can’t see what an amazing young man you are” she told him, “I’m sorry that things have been so hard lately Edward, and I wish I could so something more to help you but never ever think that you aren’t wanted because I want you here very very much”

Ed was burnt out, that much was obvious but he still tried not to show it, especially in front of his brother. The last thing he wanted was for Al to worry about things unnecessarily. Ed tried to calm himself down but found his mind was still racing. Fingertips curled nervously against the edge of her shirt. "You do?..because i-I don't hate it here as much." When he first showed up without Al, being at Riza's was extremely hard for him, but now it was a little familiar, and he needed that.

“Of course I do” Riza assured him, “And I’m glad you don’t hate it here. I’d like you to think of it as your home, you and Al” she told him, she knew it had been hard for him but she hoped he’d be able to settle at some point and be comfortable in the house.

He was starting to, it was just taking time..Ed was exhausted though. He could barely maintain his current line of thought or his struggle to stay awake once he got comfortable against her. He'd deny all this happened later, but right then he was too sleepy to do anything about it and nodded but couldn't seem to find anymore words.