Cosima Niehaus doesn't talk about Clone Club (geekmonkey) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2015-09-01 17:48:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, cosima niehaus, sarah manning |
Who: Sarah and Cosima
What: Sister bonding after Cosima’s illness gets worse.
When: August 14th after Cosima’s home from seeing Martha
Where: Cosima’s apartment
Warnings: References to a seizure, coughing up blood, fear of dying
Status: Complete upon posting!
Today had been terrible, but Cosima had managed to hold it together. Partly from having been out of it because of the seizure-like event she’d had. She’d been in a haze until shortly before Jemma brought her back home. Not to mention she’d had a headache, but she got herself situated in bed, her oxygen tank sitting beside the bed. Cosima looked down at it, her mind still not completely out of the haze she’d been in.
“I’m glad you’re here,” she said, turning her attention to Sarah. It was now obvious she was sick, not just because she had an oxygen tube in her nose, but she was pale. The paleness was especially evident considering she wasn’t wearing make-up. She hadn’t put any make-up on after coming home. It wasn’t something she liked, looking like she was sick because she didn’t want to be pitied.
Sarah had left Kira with Jemma in the other room, wanting to see her sister on her own first. Kira was happy enough chatting away to Jemma and she suspected that it was good for the young woman to have something to take her mind off everything.
Having entered the bedroom she’d immediately moved to lay on the bed with Cosima, and was laying there looking at her with her head propped up on her arm. “Nowhere else I would be” she told her, “I think your girl was worried I was gonna storm the hospital to find you”
Cosima shifted slightly so she could better look at Sarah. She managed a soft chuckle. She was afraid to laugh out loud if only because she spent a while earlier unable to breathe easily. Cosima didn’t want to trigger another episode now that she’d finally calmed down.
“I would expect nothing less from you if I was there any longer than I was.” After the things that had happened in the dreams, Cosima well knew telling Sarah not to do something would only make her more determined to do it, especially when it involved the people she cared about. “I’m glad to be home. I don’t do well in hospitals.” Especially after seeing those video diaries of Jennifer in her dreams, Cosima was having potent thoughts that that was where she was heading.
“You know me well” Sarah said with a wry smile, she was protective of her family and Cosima was her sister. She would do anything to look after them, in that respect she was very similar to her dream counterpart. “I’m glad you’re home too” Sarah told her, “Let’s aim to keep you home as long as possible”
“I’m definitely down with that plan of action.” Cosima wanted to stay home as long as possible. She drew in a breath and let it out slowly. “Sarah, I’m scared. I saw what the illness did to our sister Jennifer, how she wasted away no matter what DYAD tried to do to cure her. I don’t...I don’t want to die like that. And I don’t want you or Jemma or Felix or Kira to watch me waste away.”
“Hey, it’s okay. It’s going to be okay” Sarah said, moving to take Cosima carefully in her arms, “That isn’t going to happen. Now you listen to me, I’ve spoken to Kira about the bone marrow transplant and we’re going to be doing that so then you and Jemma just have to get those big brains of yours working on everything” she said pressing a kiss to Cosima’s forehead, feeling every bit the mother she was in that moment.
As Sarah took her in her arms, Cosima wrapped her arms around her, clinging to her for all intents and purposes. Though at the mention of the bone marrow, Cosima was rather surprised. She hadn’t even gotten to that point of asking yet, or even really thinking about it. “Really? I mean, I hadn’t even thought about that yet.” She gave Sarah a little squeeze and closed her eyes as Sarah kissed her forehead. “Thanks, Sarah,” she said a bit softly. She definitely owed Sarah and Kira for this.
Sarah smiled kindly, "Well I gotta be ahead of you sometimes right?" She said gently, and it had been one of the first things to come into her head especially with those dreams being so fresh. "No thanks needed. You're my sister and you're Kira's Auntie Cosima, we need you"
“Yeah, you definitely do.” It did make the dreams easier to take. Sarah would at least, hopefully, have some more answers whenever Cosima came to a milestone in her own dreams, like this current one. “I need you, too.” And until now, Cosima had managed to hold herself together well enough. She hadn’t wanted to lose it in front of Jemma, not yet anyway. But here with Sarah, Cosima couldn’t keep pretending to be strong. “I’m really scared, Sarah. I’m afraid that I’m dying as we speak, and I don’t know what to do.” Her lower lip started quivering as she felt tears start to well up in her eyes.
With Sarah here then Cosima didn’t need to pretend to be strong, Sarah could be strong for her. She held her close and stroked her back comfortingly, “You are not dying Cos, you’re not. You are going to be okay and I am going to do whatever I can to make sure you are. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere”
It had been a long day already, and Cosima had kept it together this long. Partly because she didn’t yet want to break down on Jemma, and partly because she’d been in a haze all day. But right now, here with Sarah, Cosima let herself give in to the fear and tears she’d kept inside. She pulled her glasses off before she clung to Sarah and buried her face in her shoulder and let herself cry. For the moment, her despair overwhelmed her normally optimistic viewpoint. Right now all she could see was the bad, and she needed her sister to help her be strong where she couldn’t be. Cosima cried for a good couple minutes before her crying started to subside.
Sarah held her while she cried, knowing that it was what Cosima needed right now. She rubbed her back and pressed kisses to her hair and was just there for her. Sarah could be the rock, was good at it even. She was a strong person, just as she was in the dreams and if that strength could help her sister then it was something Sarah willingly offered.
Cosima needed that strength now. Her own was wearing thin after the past couple weeks. It was that much more frayed after having seen Jennifer go through the illness. There was no doubt in her mind that Katja would have suffered similarly had she not been killed first. And now Cosima had been struck by the illness, and there was no clear answer for it in sight. As a scientist, it drove her crazy. As an ill person, it demoralized her.
“I’ll try to not let you down,” she said softly after she got her crying under control. And really, Cosima meant so many things by that statement. She knew they had their differences, mostly in the dreams and mostly all having to do with Delphine, but Cosima also didn’t want to just up and die on Sarah or Jemma or anyone.
“You never could” Sarah told her, because in her mind there was no other option than curing Cosima. She needed her sister and as such losing her was not an option. She’d seen the suffering too and she wouldn’t let Cosima get like that. Kira’s bone marrow would help she knew that and then they’d work on finding a cure.
“I hope not. It’d be really shitty to gain a sister and then just go and die on you.” Not to mention Jemma and her parents. Cosima didn’t want to die, but at this very moment, she wasn’t seeing any other path to take. Of course, once she came to terms with what had happened and got her emotions back in order, she’d see it. But right now she needed to let herself cry, to feel it and let her emotions settle before she could move forward.
“It would, so let’s not do that” Sarah told her, it was understandable and Sarah would let her sort herself out emotionally but she would remind her that she had support. She’d gained an niece and brother as well as a sister because Sarah came as a package deal and they all loved Cosima very much.
“No, let’s not. I like being alive and being around family.” Perhaps as an effect of the dreams, Cosima already considered Sarah, Felix and Kira her family. Though she also knew that was just her nature. Cosima trusted easily, sometimes way too easily, such as all the times she trusted Delphine in the dreams only to end up hurt, but when it came to her sister, brother and niece, that trust wasn’t misplaced. Nor was her trust in Jemma misplaced either. She loved them and needed all four of them now more than ever.
“Good because you know I have no chance of teaching Kira science and she seems to be more and more interested in it” Sarah told her with a smile, unlike Cosima it took longer for Sarah to trust, especially since the dreams. But she trusted Cosima and after being kept informed and involved she trusted Jemma.
“Well I suppose I can’t leave you to do that yourself. You might get Darwin confused with Newton.” The fact that Cosima just made a joke was a good sign. But she really felt demoralized right now, her own body had become an enemy to itself. “I kind of wish I’d never started dreaming. I suppose this must be how Katja felt. And Jennifer.” As much as they may have been helpful, Cosima was actually glad her dreams hadn’t given her Jennifer’s video diaries. She couldn’t handle watching those again. Seeing them in the dreams had been bad enough.
“Darwin was the one with the apple on his head right?” Sarah replied before her smile dimmed a little, “Hey, they were on their own right? You are not alone, we will never give up on you Cos. I promise you” The bone marrow transplant would give them time and Cosima and Jemma together with whatever else they found out in their dreams would help them to find a cure.
“That was Newton,” Cosima corrected. She managed to not devolve into an in-depth explanation of the difference between Newton and Darwin. Which probably was evidence to her mental state currently that she wasn’t elaborating unnecessarily. “They were. I mean, I was going to help Katja, but she died before I could. But thanks, I definitely need you guys.” If she was a wreck at having a support system, Cosima couldn’t even imagine what she’d be like if she’d gotten this illness while she’d been in Minnesota.
Sarah actually knew that but could tell by Cosima’s reply she wasn’t herself. “You have us, forever. You don’t have to worry about that. Get some rest, I’ll be here” she said, hugging Cosima once again before letting her settle down a little. Kira would want to see Auntie Cosima soon but for now they could just relax a little.
In some ways, her mind was still out of whack from the morning’s events, and she was still trying to come to grips with what this turn of events actually meant. She knew she was dying, knew that she would die if they didn’t figure out a cure. And trying not to fall into that depth of despair was difficult. So she held onto Sarah a little tighter. “Thank you,” she responded softly as she tried to relax a bit before seeing Kira.