Literally Pirateninja (shadowcat) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2012-07-26 19:32:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, kitty pryde (shadowcat), xi'an coy manh (karma) |
"I'm back. I wouldn't recommend that cruise line."
Who: Kitty and Xi'an
What: Homecoming
When: Lets say Wednesday!
Where: Their apartment
Rating: PG-13
Status: Complete
Warnings: Discussing death, rape, killing
Kitty hadn't wanted any announcements about when they'd gotten to California. She had to make sure Mai was settled, and she'd had to talk to Obi. But finally, after a check up and several hours of waiting for assorted tests, she was on her way home. She grew anxious by the minute, so much so that she kept catching herself chewing her nails.
I killed a man.
The weight of it all was starting to crash down onto her, and there were really only two women she thought she could turn to in the immediate aftermath.
I could have been raped.
She trudged up the stairs, turning to wave at the escort, and then opened the door.
Xi'an stood up when she heard the door. Her breath caught in her throat when she saw Kitty. She stood there for a moment, eyes roaming to see if Kitty had any obvious injuries, before going to her.
She brought a hand up to cup Kitty's face and let out a breath she hadn't realized she was holding. "You're back."
Wrapping her arms around Xi'an, Kitty kissed her, smiling tiredly. She was still trying to buck up and get through it, "I'm back. I wouldn't recommend that cruise line, the food was bad and the accommodations lacking."
Her voice cracked on the last few words, and she exhaled shakily. Seeing the look on Xi'an's face rammed some things home.
It was the way Xi'an's hand felt cupping her cheek that made the tears finally come.
Xi'an hugged her tightly as the tears began. Her own tears came quickly, and she didn't try to hold them back. Kitty was home; she was safe. She was alive.
She took a deep breath and kissed the side of Kitty's head. "It's so...good to have you home..."
Kitty didn't even try to brush the tears off Xi'an's cheeks. Somehow the sight and smell of them were important, and good. It turned her own into a torrent.
She squeezed Xi'an, probably hard enough to cut off her air supply, "Those wer--are evil, evil men." A hard lump formed in her throat, and she tried to swallow it, "I mean I can phase and everything but that wouldn't stop them from using a hostage to force me to ..to submit. You know? We escaped first chance and were on this ship. And then Mai was getting sicker and sicker and I was terrified we'd have to turn ourselves back in."
The thought that Kitty had gone through something like that chilled Xi'an to the bone. "Oh, Kitty..."
"They didn't..touch us, or anything. They wanted us pristine, I guess. Mostly they wanted her, I just happened to be in the wrong..place." Kitty finally closed the door, and then guided Xi'an to the couch, sitting her down.
"Women are just...meat to them."
"I'm so glad that didn't happen to you.." She ran a hand through Kitty's hair and took a shakey breath. She didn't want to stop touching Kitty, as if she still needed the reassurance that Kitty was actually there.
Kitty leaned into the hand in her hair, her own fingers reaching for whatever exposed skin they could find. She was grateful, so very grateful that Xi'an hadn't been with them. Especially in light of certain dreams. She shuddered to think about the kind of reaction that might have brought out in her lover.
She shifted, resting her head on Xi'an's shoulders. Quietly, so quietly it might not have even been spoken, she whispered, "I killed a man."
"...it was self defense. That might not make it feel that much different, but it is different than not." Xi'an kissed Kitty's forehead and stroked her hair. "He'd have hurt more women if you hadn't."
Kitty shook her head. She wasn't unfamiliar with death, but this was the first time in this world she'd take a life, "I didn't even mean it. It just happened. When..Obi and the others boarded the ship, I rushed to get to the girls who were still locked up. Tried to harass them behind the lines, pull them into the ship, and so forth. It's..exhausting for me. Not like in the dreams. I didn't..unphase him quickly enough."
Xi'an kept stroking her hair. She knew it must be frustrating for Kitty not to have the control she had in her dreams.
God. Xi'an smelled so good. Even a shower and standing on US soil hadn't been enough to make her feel like she was safe, but here, in Xi'an's arms, she did.
"I'm sorry," she mumbled. "For worrying you." It was better than thinking about other things.
"Not your fault," Xi'an whispered. "What matters is that you are safe and home..." She took a deep breath. "Illyana and I didn't tell the twins you'd been kidnapped; we kept it to 'missing' hoping that you'd be rescued soon."
She nodded her head against Xi'an's shoulder, curling in closer, "Okay. We'll keep it at that until they're older."
“They’ll ask you. Just tell them, but not in a lot of detail. You were kidnapped by bad people, it was scary, but you got rescued and helped other people get away too. And now you’re back.” She stroked Kitty’s cheek and sighed.
“I try not to have too many secrets from them,” she said. “The only thing I really haven’t told them is about Tran’s death. I told them he was killed during the same bank robbery that Mom and Dad were, but I haven’t told them that he started out as one of the robbers. Footage indicated that he was shot when he tried to keep one of the others from shooting people, at least. But they barely remember him as it is; I don’t want them to deal with that yet.”
Kitty kissed Xi'an's shoulder softly, taking comfort from the taste of her. She let out a long breath, that was half a sob, before fighting it. Crying was bad enough, she didn't need to be worse.
"Okay. We can leave out the sex trafficking part until they're like thirty." Kitty shifted so she was fully in Xi'an's lap and stared down at her. She'd had no idea about that.
"I'm so sorry." She didn't know what could drive a person to be that desperate, or the sheer fate that had his parents there at the same time.
"He didn't...shoot anyone, did he?"
“He didn’t. He was the first one shot. Died almost instantly.” Xi’an took a deep breath and hugged Kitty. “But yeah. When they’re older, we’ll tell them.”
Kitty was relieved, for Xi'an's sake, even if her parents might have had to witness that, "At least he had a line he wouldn't cross."
The fear and self blame that had settled in was starting to abate. The tears colder and no longer flowing. She might not have fully 'dealt' with it, but she'd at least gotten it out. And to someone. Not alone. Somehow she knew keeping it in would be counter-productive.
She leaned in and kissed Xi'an on the lips, "They have the best guardian anyone could ever ask for, you know that?"
Her nails dug into Xi'an's shoulders and she shifted in the woman's lap a bit. She wanted to bring up some things she'd thought about on the ship. Civil unions, adoption of the twins. They'd have no one if they lost Xi'an and Kitty wasn't sure she could win in court without some legal paperwork.
And then there'd been the small fortune she'd prepared. She didn't even have a will.
She was thinking so hard her face scrunched up.
Xi’an smiled after the kiss. “It means a lot to hear that,” she said softly.
She watched Kitty’s face for a moment, then stroked her cheek. “You look like you’ve got something on your mind.” She tucked some stray hair behind Kitty’s ear and smiled faintly. “Care to share?”
"All that money.. the apartment, the things in it.." Kitty said, voice weak, "I never thought about what would happen if something happened to me. You wouldn't get any of it. The only thing I did was put a fund for Leong and Nga's schooling. But you'd get nothing and maybe you'd even be on the street."
Her voice grew a little more strained, "And then I kept thinking about what if something happened to you and I'd have no way to keep them out of the state system. I kept going over all of that, over and over." She cupped Xi'an's face, "I never even got to tell my parents before I was grabbed. About me. About you."
Xi’an took a deep breath. She’d thought of some of that before, but until recently, she hadn’t thought that there was any pressing fear of anything happening to Kitty. She’d had worries since the wreck that took her leg.
She leaned her forehead against Kitty’s. “We need to start...figuring the legal parts out, yes. And I’d like to meet your parents...”
At any rate, she knew she could at least set Xi'an up so she'd get some money. It wouldn't replace her but it would alleviate a lot of worries.
But the rest of it..."I'm not sure if we're even ready for that kind of talk yet but who knows if something else might happen?"
But she was ready to tell her parents at least. Before or after mentioning the kidnapping? They obviously hadn't been informed yet, or her mother would be at her doorstep.
Of course she'd been saying she was ready for weeks now but that was that then there was actually doing it.
She nuzzled Xi'an, feeling a comfort! leech. Then she licked her lips to wet them, "I'll call them tomorrow. I'll also check with a lawyer. About a will, and how we can go about the thing with the twins."
The thought of that next step past talking about the legal parts was terrifying her. Male or female, marriage was scary. She felt safer on the basic legal ground.
Shakily, she thought she wanted to be even closer to Xi'an. There was too much space between them.
“It...does feel kind of rushed, but we do need to have something in place. Just in case.” Xi’an took a deep breath. “I hate that it’s something that we both have major reasons to worry about it. The wreck, and now the kidnapping...” She hugged Kitty closer.
“It’s...a little daunting.”
"Well..." Kitty said, exhaling. "I'll contact a lawyer this week, so we can figure out some things. But right now it's probably too late in the day for that."
She slipped off of Xi'an's lap and pulled her to her feet, "I want to go to bed early." There was only a little bit of naughty to her eyes. Mostly, she wanted to be held.
Xi’an nodded and took Kitty’s hand, lacing their fingers together as she walked toward the bedroom. Right now, all Xi’an wanted to do was hold her.