Sharon Carter is a super spy (exshieldagent) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2015-07-29 16:37:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, john chrichton, sharon carter |
Who: John and Sharon
What: Dinner then a show (aka John gets his pretty little heart broken)
Where: Mexican restaurant just down from the cinema
When: Tuesday night, late June
Rating: PG
Status: Complete
John was nervous. He was excited to see Sharon again, but there was something in her message to him that gave him pause. He’d picked her up at 6 and driven them downtown, parking his car in the lot behind the restaurant and helped her into the building and her seat when they were shown to their table. After giving the waiter their order for food and drink, he shifted in his seat, his nerves settling in his stomach again.
“So uh...how was Reno?” he asked, licking his lips and desperately waiting for the waiter to return with his glass of coke.
“It was fine. I may have let the cat out of the bag. To my defense, I didn’t know that Veronica was keeping secrets from Logan.” Sharon said, feeling like she might start babbling. That would be bad, so she started munching on the chips and salsa instead. “But other than that, it was fine. We didn’t do any drinking or gambling, though.”
“Let the cat out of the bag?” John asked with a frown. “You never really told me why you went to Reno,” he said, nodding to the waiter as he placed their drinks on the table for them.
“It’s not really my business to tell. Veronica had to come face to face with something from her past, get closure. And that’s the part that I really shouldn’t have mentioned to Logan.” Sharon frowned, reaching for a glass of ice water that the waiter set on the table. She was really looking forward to having a Coke. A little sugar and caffeine would get her through to the end of the movie, for sure.
“But it was a nice trip. Good to spend some time with Cindy and Veronica, which was really good. And Cindy asked me to be a bridesmaid. I offered up a tiny flower girl if she wants one.” She grinned softly, running her hand over her belly.
John couldn't help but grin as he watched her rub a hand over her bump. She was big now and he knew she must be close to her due date so he was glad she was home and not rampaging around Reno. "You'll be a beautiful bridesmaid," he told her, eyes on her face. "Only enhanced by a beautiful tiny flower girl in your arms," he smiled softly. "She could replace your bouquet," he joked, picking up his drink to take a sip. "It sounds like you needed some girl time though, you feel better for it?"
Sharon blushed at the way he was looking at her. She couldn’t stop a smile, ducking her head down to look at her hands on the table. This was harder than she thought. He was kind and handsome, and if only she felt romantically toward him, her life would be so much easier. But she didn’t. As much as she wanted to, it wouldn’t be fair for either of them if she faked it. “It was really nice. I feel better now. I needed the time away, I think.”
The waiter came back and brought them some drinks.
John looked down at the table and found himself playing with the napkin, giving a slightly nervous laugh. “You needed time away,” he repeated slowly and gave a little chuckle. He had a feeling he knew what was coming.
"Oh, I... I didn't mean..." Sharon frowned, sighed, and turned her eyes to the table. "I'm sorry, John, I shouldn't be treating you this way. You've been nothing but a good friend, and I've been awful to you."
“Sharon...” John sighed, pressing his lips together as he considered what to say next. He shook his head a little and nervously tapped the table with his finger. “I uh...what was tonight about Sharon?” he asked, dreading the answer, but the knot of fear was already forming in his stomach.
“...Tonight is…” She sighed. “Tonight is an apology. I want us to be--” but she stopped herself. Leon had said not to say that. “John, I… I don’t want things to become awkward between us. I want to keep hanging out.” She said, hoping that this wasn’t going to break his heart, that this wouldn’t ruin everything. Though, she knew that it would.
John gave a bitter laugh, keeping his eyes downcast for fear that looking at her might trigger his tears. Unmanly tears. He’d come here full of hope. Hope for a potential future he could no longer have. He tried to speak, nodding and playing with his fork on the table as he did, but found himself unable to get the words out. He sighed and pressed his lips together.
Sharon felt her insides twist unpleasantly. She watched him for a moment, then turned her eyes to her own fingers in front of her on the table. “It’s a lot for me to deal with right now. With Viv coming, and trying to figure out what’s going on in my body and my future… I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to take on any more than that.” God, that sounded lame, too. Everything she wanted to say sounded lame. She really hated that she was hurting him, but she didn’t know what else to do.
“God, Sharon,” John laughed again with a slight manic edge. “You make it sound like I’m a burden to you. I never wanted that, I just wanted to help,” he shook his head, then looked up at her. He bit his bottom lip as he took her in. “I spent so long trying to get over you. Thought I was in a place where I’d done it and then you waltz in with your beautiful face and your sweet nature and make me fall for you all over again,” his voice broke over the last sentence.
"You're not a--" she cut off when we went on. She felt absolutely horrid for the way she'd treated him. She knew he had feelings for her, and she'd gone to him anyway. She used him. She was a horrible friend. She was a horrible person in general.
"I'm sorry," she said softly, even though she knew it wasn't enough.
“I…” John started, then closed his eyes as he thought things through. “It’s not your fault. I should have...I should have been smarter. I shouldn’t have let it go as far as it did. I just hoped…” he trailed off, rubbing the side of his thumb against his bottom lip,something he always did when he was frustrated or thinking about a problem. “I hoped for something more, I guess” he finished quietly.
Her heart was breaking. She sighed softly. "I'll understand if you hate me now, but... I don't want to lose you as a friend." She didn't want to give him any false hope. Her life would be so much easier if she could just love him. Why couldn't she just love him?
"I don't..." John sighed, his shoulders dropping in defeat. "I don't hate you Sharon. God knows it would probably be easier if I did," he shook his head again with a wry smile. "I just wish I'd done things differently," he said, more to himself than her. He looked across the restaurant, catching sight of a couple of love struck sweethearts having dinner on the far side. As he watched them share blissful grins and gentle touches he could only rip his eyes away and return them to the table where he was still holding the fork. God, what was wrong with him? He never learnt and he never got the girl. He cleared his throat and stood up. "Excuse me, I'm just going to the men's room. If the waiter comes back order me something hot and with chicken," he told her before beating a hasty retreat. He needed a moment to collect himself which he couldn't do out here. He wasn't going to leave her in the middle of town with no ride and he hoped she'd understand that by him giving her his order.
She knew he wasn't going to leave. She trusted him. Besides, she had people she could call if she had to. Though she didn't want to have to.
"Okay," Sharon said, and gave him a small, sad smile. "I can do that."
Making his way to the bathroom, he leaned on the sink there, head hung between his shoulders as he tried to figure out his thoughts. He knew that he was basically in love with her and until that night, he pretty much knew that she didn’t feel the same way towards him. He never should have slept with her when he knew she was vulnerable. It was his own stupid fault. Again.
Clutching the bowl of the sink, he kicked the base of it in frustration, letting out a shout as he did. He didn’t often get angry or physical, but he felt so gutted right now. He’d been ready to give her his heart, give her everything and now to have it ripped away was almost cruel. He sighed and ran his hands through his hair.
Running the tap cold, he cupped his hands underneath it and splashed cold water over his face. He covered his face with his hands and took some deep breaths before turning the tap off and reaching for some paper towels to dry off. Crumpling up the paper in his fist, he threw it into the trash can and sighed again before looking up at his reflection. “Now to figure out how to be friends with the woman you’re in love with,” he said to himself, taking in his sorry looking state. Running his fingers through his hair once more, he headed back out to Sharon.
Sharon sat for the few minutes he was in the restroom feeling like a really horrible person. She sighed, twirling her fork around on the table. When the waiter came by, she ordered some chicken thing, spicy, for John, and she ordered something beef, less spicy, for herself. And lots and lots of water.
She debated getting out her phone to send a message to Veronica or Leon about how horrible she felt, about how this was a bad idea, about how she wished she could have done things differently. But it wouldn’t be fair to John if she faked it. It wouldn’t be fair to either of them.
She looked up with a tentative smile when he came back. “We don’t have to go to the movie, if you… if you’re not up for it.” She was trying to be accommodating.
John slid back in his chair, picking up his napkin and laying it on his lap. Keeping his eyes down, he cleared his throat before answering. “Let’s uh...let’s see how dinner goes, yeah?” he sighed. “Sorry about that I just...it’s difficult. I mean I don’t...I don’t know what to say, Sharon,” he admitted with a shake of his head, sounding defeated.
“It’s okay.” Sharon knew this wasn’t easy for him. And she wouldn’t blame him at all if he could never forgive her for what she’d done to him. “Let’s just… finish dinner, and then you can take me home.”
“Ok,” John nodded, as he looked everywhere but at her face and playing with his cutlery again. But questions kept running through his head, questions he probably needed answers to sooner rather than later. “I just...why, Sharon? You knew, must have known how I felt about you,” he asked in quiet desperation.
The waitress came out with their meals before Sharon could respond. She gave a shy ‘thank you’ to the woman as the food was set in front of her, then fiddled with her napkin in her lap until they were alone again. When the waitress was out of earshot, Sharon lifted her eyes to his face. “...because… I’m a terrible person.” She confessed.
John shook his head. “No I...I don’t believe that, I...can’t believe that,” he gave a little laugh. “I should have known, should have stopped it all and walked away,” he sighed sadly. “I’m sorry, Sharon. I should have been a better friend and realised it for what it was,” he told her, regret showing through his body as he did. He let them get into this mess by not being stronger. He’d broken his own heart.
Sharon wouldn't let him take all the blame himself. She was frowning a bit at herself. "I shouldn't have... I mean, you can't put this all on yourself. I knew I was vulnerable, and lonely and horny, and I should never have gone to your house when I was feeling that way. I feel like I used you, and I... I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for the way I treated you." She looked tortured by it all.
John couldn’t bring himself to look at her right now. Sure she’d hurt him, but his heart still wanted to do nothing more than comfort her; hold her and tell her it would be all right. Taking a deep breath, he picked up his fork and pushed around some of the food on his plate. “Can we just...stop talking about this now? I need some time Sharon,” he admitted quietly. “Talk about something else. Please,” he asked her, desperately hoping to make it to the end of this meal without saying something he’d regret.