Clara Oswald is going the long way round (alwaysbeenthere) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2015-07-21 00:27:00 |
|
|||
Entry tags: | !complete, !partner thread, clara oswald, eleventh doctor |
Who: Clara and Troy
What: Regeneration dreams fall out
When: 20/21 July 2015, middle of the night
Where: Their flat
Warnings: None
Status: Partner Thread | Complete
Clara was a bundle of emotions. She’d been lied to. Left behind, not once but twice. He had looked into her eyes and promised never to send her away again and he had. And the Daleks had broken through into Christmas. He was already dying, it was why she’d been brought back, so the Doctor wouldn’t die alone. And he was ready to sacrifice himself. So she had done the only thing she could, she went to the crack in the wall, the crack between dimensions and told the Time Lords what they needed to hear, the truth and prayed it would work.
And it did. He was given a new regeneration cycle. The Daleks were destroyed and Christmas saved. It was back at the TARDIS where hope was born and then quickly falling away. He was confusing her. She thought he was better. He hadn’t even needed to change his face… but he was talking in a way as if he were saying goodbye. Her heart hurt.
“No no no….” Why now? Reaching out to grab his hand, as if that would help, she spoke, “Please don’t change…”
Because in that moment, it was so much clearer to her. Her feelings. They weren’t just a crush, but somewhere along the line, against all the rules she had given herself, the control she needed to have… she had gone and fallen in love with the Doctor. And just with that realisation hitting, he glowed and suddenly a man she had never seen was there before her. She was shocked, scared, not sure what to think and they were crashing…
And Clara was awake, eyes wide. Because she might not have recognised the man in the dreams, but here? Groaning, the brunette grabbed her pillow and held it over her face.
“Freud would have a field day with this….”
Complicated emotional bleed through from the dreams had been bad enough without adding this to it. Somewhere, it made sense. Somewhere she felt as though she’d been ignoring the signs because of the fact she didn’t want to think about it because this development made it all the more awkward.
Still reeling from the dream, but needing to make sure Troy was okay, Clara got out of bed and went in search of her cousin who seemed to be more the Doctor with every passing day. With him located, she did the first thing that came to mind. Tugged on his hair to make sure it wasn’t a wig.
“Oh thank god.” With that, she hugged him tightly, mumbling against him, “Please don’t change.”
Troy was doing what he usually was doing anymore, tinkering, toying, and playing with gadgets around the house. The TARDIS locator had managed to find its way into the backyard, thankfully, as it took up a lot of space. The neighbors complained it made too much noise some nights, but he promised them all it’d be worth it someday. They’d be happy with the results. Most of the time this resulted in mumbled insults, and Troy going about his business without a care in the world.
Tonight, however, that’s not what he was dealing with. Instead, tonight he was working on what looked to be a helmet, made distinctly from their spaghetti strainer, applying nodes and electrodes here and there, with wires connecting them all. A sensor was placed on one side of it, which he was soldering into place when he heard the steps coming up towards him.
Looking up to her from beneath his goggles, he blinked at the tug to his hair and tugged his own goggles off, “Ouch, what was--” Then the hug. He hugged her back tightly, blinking several more times before looking down at himself, “Well I don’t intend to soon, but I imagine the clothing will get rather rank if I don’t bother changing into something else. So, I promise to wear this more though! Definitely.”
He frowned then, getting the sense he was misinterpreting her emotions and grabbed her shoulders, pushing her back a moment to look at her as he watched her, “Something’s amiss, what’s bothering you Clara?”
Clara had long since gotten used to the random tinkering that Troy did and was used to trying to mollify their neighbors. Which wasn’t always that easy given the things he did, or the TARDIS locator. Him saying that they’d love it once he found what he was looking for was a bit difficult to explain. Especially as no one actually knew what would happen if or when the TARDIS itself showed up. Not that it mattered right now. No. What mattered was making sure that Troy was still Troy and not on his way to regenerating.
Okay, so in theory she knew he wouldn’t change. John was here after all. But that didn’t wash away the feelings that had come from waking up following that dream. It didn’t shake the fear of losing him. Both here and in the dreams, Clara clung so desperately to having control of the situation, a need to be in charge and keep things as they were. She lost too many people and so any threat of that sent her into a worry. She ignored the comment about the changing of clothes. Because of course without context Troy wouldn’t understand what she was talking about. And this time, she hoped he wouldn’t dream it. Not as far as she had gotten. For him to change….
How would that even work? No. She didn’t want to know. Troy wasn’t going to change on her. She refused to lose him because of the Dreams. Especially with her dad there and in Orange County. Not that she wanted to think about the implications of that either.
Or he was pulling her back some to look at her once he seemed to pick up on the fact that her comment wasn’t so much fashion driven as something that had upset her. So she just shook her head to try and get her emotions under control.
“Whatever you do, promise me you won’t send me away. Look at me and promise me.”
Apparently it was repeat what dream her had said in all the chaotic moments of the latest dream. Because even if Troy didn’t regenerate, what was to keep him from sending her away. Even if he had lied in the dream and sent her away, here he wouldn’t… right? Nevermind that she was still cold from the Time Winds. She may have gotten past that in the dreams, but time was different here and so those effects were still in play.
Troy’s curious half seemed to die out when the desperation in her embrace and voice became even more apparent. Lifting both hands up to cup either side of her face, he frowned and furrowed his brows, staring back at the girl ahead of him. He made sure and stared back into her eyes, as serious as he’d ever been, as he clung his hands to the back of her head and pulled her close, “Clara, I will never, ever send you away. You’re my impossible girl, and it’s impossible for me to send you away.”
He brushed a thumb across her cheek, running hands through her hair a moment before he kissed her forehead, “What brought this on? More of those dreams?”
Troy’s look was desperate too, trying to get ahold of whatever emotions were spiraling out of control for her. Something had caught her off guard, taken the emotional barriers off the girl who liked to pretend she was okay, and he was eager to find out what it was, to help her. So many of these dreams put her in such a terrified state, it only reinforced the thoughts about what the Doctor was; only now, he realized the Doctor was him, and it reaffirmed his own guilt. A guilt he never dared utter to her, Rose, Martha, any of them.
He smiled sadly as he watched her, “I could never leave you, Clara, I’m a bit addicted I’d say. Cross my hearts.”
Perhaps Clara shouldn’t believe him. That he would send her away. He had in the dreams even after promising. But this wasn’t the dreams. There was no TARDIS here, no way to send her away so that she couldn’t help. No way to keep him from getting stuck somewhere because they were able to leave if they so desired. (Yet the question as to why people stayed in Orange County despite it all was something to be explored. It just wasn’t like what had happened in the Dreams.)
Instead, she let herself be reassured by both actions and words, the tension slowly leaving her back and shoulders. It had been a whirlwind of a month since getting back. Return of the dreams, falling out with Anakin because there were lines she couldn’t cross and things she couldn’t stand by…. everything in general that happened in Orange County. But right now, she needed the reassurance that she wouldn’t be sent away. In this moment, it was the only thing that mattered.
The question on what had brought it about was met with a nod.
“Yeah. A dream…”
She didn’t want to go into it. Because it had broken the illusion that she had any control on her life in the dreams and travelling with the Doctor. And the awkwardness of her dad being Troy’s regeneration. She didn’t know if he had the emotional bleed over, or even what the Doctor’s feelings were. But it it wasn’t something she really wanted to get into.
Addicted. That was a good description both of the dreams and the adventures. She had mentioned it to Martha in a way. How even though the dreams could be chaotic, there was still something about them and not looking forward to when they would eventually end. She’d already once figured they were over yet they weren’t. And more and more, they were emotionally taxing yet she pushed through. This one, though…. the loss of control over everything. The loss of the illusion.
So she just nodded at the comment with a twitch of a smile before hugging Troy again. Just to make sure he was there. Real and still him.
“Another dream,” Troy frowned and sat back in his chair to watch her from a place of comfort, and just nodded as she seemed to fight through her emotions. He could tell she was battling internally, but didn’t bother to address it, he let her fight it out within herself before raising a brow again at the sudden hug once more. Laughing a bit this time, he hugged her back and just brushed at her hair, “What was it about this time?” He finally uttered.
He just held her in that hug, hugging her as long as she needed to be held, knowing full well how terrifying those dreams were. He kept most of them to himself, most of the thoughts and emotions he felt to himself. His own thoughts of Clara? Oh those were confusing, hard to grasp, but he knew what they were. They were his own thoughts though, locked forever away, hidden in his hearts, because he couldn’t admit them.
As his mind grew, as he understood the universe better, he began to feel things that he knew were impossible. Best to keep them under lock and key.
Still, he didn’t stop hugging her, stop holding her, because she was Clara; both his companion, friend, and they’d grown up together now. That was different for a companion and he. He smirked at the idea and shook his head a second, “Right, so tell me about these dreams.”
At some point she knew she’d need to let go. The last time she’d been this desperate had been when he’d found her in the closet, when she needed the reassurance that they were all real. That this world wasn’t the dream. This time? She just needed the reassurance that Troy was in fact himself and that she wasn’t going to lose him. She might not have any sense of control in Orange County, but if she could at least count on Troy to remain Troy… or the Doctor, then maybe it would be okay.
Eventually she had to pull away, especially since he wanted to know what it was she had dreamt. And while she didn’t want to talk about it, she knew he would push and she knew that her words being muffled because of the hug wouldn’t do any good. So she sighed and went to curl up on the couch next to him.
How to put it into words, though? The barrier of truth had been down in the Dreams. Things she didn’t want to say said. Yet he had still lied through it.
“Your regeneration.”
Which she knew shouldn’t be possible. They’d had that conversation. But it had happened. He had changed and with him, so had the rules of the game. With that change came uncertainty and fear and not knowing if the damage was worth it.
“Before that, you sent me away… twice.”
She knew travelling with the Doctor was dangerous. But being sent away? That hurt worse than anything else that had happened. The fear and confusion, being in the Time Stream and ignored by so many of his faces, unseen or unheard, always chasing after him. The lie… She wouldn’t go into the emotional revelation she’d had in the dreams at that moment though, right as he changed. That was too much, even for her.
Troy watched her move away with a frown, and then moved towards the couch with her so he could sit next to her and let her curl up against him; just since it seemed she was kind of in the desperate sense again and he didn’t want her feeling too alone in a situation like that. Looking down at her as she spoke, he listened to her then frowned. Again. This time deeper, with a furrowed brow.
“Clara, I can’t regenerate. I’m the last one, the absolute last regeneration. When I die, that’s it for The Doctor. He’s gone, I’m gone, forever…” Though, now, he was beginning to think of Duncan. Where the hell did he come from? He’d dreamed of all of his previous incarnations before. And he knew he was the last one; yet, every face was there. He was 12, he was the last one. Still, she’d seen more, and Duncan was there and having those dreams.
“I don’t understand how you could have… and I sent you away? If I sent you away then it was for a good reason, more than likely to keep you safe, protected. I haven’t… dreamed of that moment yet, but I sure don’t know if I even will. You know, me being me, but why would I send you away?”
Well, that answered the question on if he had dreamt of saving Gallifrey. Though Clara had a feeling that had he dreamt it, the reaction would have been similar to John’s in London. So she wasn’t so shocked that he didn’t think it was possible. Because it shouldn’t be possible. Yet Clara was the Impossible Girl, so who knew.
“That’s another dream for another time.” And one she hoped he’d get. After John had the dream, he had seemed lighter in a way. Less pain in his eyes. She wanted that for Troy as well. And while it made sense now that her dad had dreamt of all the things John and Troy had… well, it was still far too complicated and confusing for her to even make sense of.
Instead she let Troy just work through his thoughts and questions on what she had dreamt. About him sending her away. That seemed easier to focus on than meeting John and the War Doctor. Of going into how all of that had been possible when Clara herself never had a clear answer on just how the three had met up. Just that they had and they’d been able to save a planet and lock it in a cube.
“To keep you from having to bury me. At least that’s what you said, as if I ever would have let you get stuck in a place.” She understood, of course, “You were protecting the town of Christmas on the planet Trenzalore… you stayed and sent me away. Then I came back. And you lied, then sent me away again.” And then she was brought back because the Doctor had been dying and then...well… then the Daleks broke through and the impossible had happened and she no longer knew what to believe.
“Oh, then I get to look forward to more dreams too hmm? Brilliant, hopefully I get to keep this young, handsome face through them. Don’t want to see me ageing, that’s a bit disturbing really. Too much reality in that for me, no good that is; still, brilliant thought though. More dreams means more understanding, I’m getting to the point where that’s rather enjoyable.”
Then it was the Doctor’s turn to have a panic attack. Hearing about Trenzalore, he suddenly stood up and shook his head, moving away from her then looked back at her frowning, “No. No, not again. I already went there once…” After he’d died. Ah, right, yes. That made sense, he’d have to get there eventually anyway.
“Ah, but… but then I can’t regenerate. We’ve seen my grave before, Clara, we’ve seen Trenzalore before. It’s the one place I can’t go, and if we went there again, then we went there with me knowing what it meant. It’s where I died, and it’s where you don’t, so I sent you away. Of course I did, how couldn’t I? It was Trenzalore.”
The name of the planet still drew up emotions for The Doctor, even after their initial encounter had actually ended up being not as bad as it could have been. He sat back down on the couch and buried his face into his hands, “So it happens. We do go to Trenzalore, and it’s with you. Which means you’re my last companion… which means it’s less than, oh, it must be 300 years at least? That’s not a lot of time when you live forever you know.”
“Yes, you get to look forward to more dreams.” And hopefully not this last one. Because it had been painful enough for Clara, who even knew what it would be like for Troy. But that wasn’t the main issue. It was everything that had happened. “Still you until….” Until he let himself get stuck. Until she had pleaded with the Time Lords and they had saved him.
So she watched as he paced. It hadn’t been a known fact right away that it was Trenzalore. Just investigating a signal. Only once they were there did they know the truth. And it was perhaps why had had let himself stay. He felt it was time, but Clara? Oh Clara hadn’t believed that and he hadn’t let her help him, so convinced she would have died there.
She understood what he was saying. How of course he would send her away because of where they were, what they knew it to be. And yet….
“And yet, you did regenerate. I saw it.” Even if Troy had a hard time believing it, he should know by now that the Dreams were indescribable and every time she had dreamt something, it had happened. They were harder to ignore now. So instead she just wrapped her arms around one of his own and rested her head against Troy’s arm as he buried his face in his hands. It was all so complicated.
“But how Clara? You keep saying I regenerated, but there are rules, rules that can’t be broken. Rules that must be followed. I am only allotted 12 regenerations, each living hundreds upon hundreds of years; really, it’s not a bad deal if you can get it. Even though the Time Lord might live too long at one point. Not the point though, fact is I get 12…”
He shook his head, “The only way I could get more is if the Time Lords gave me more. They can do that, of course, or could have had they not been killed. Destroyed… by … well by him. The one, you know who, don’t mention his name or I’ll be mad.”
He frowned and shook his head, rubbing at his temples, then he looked to her and got to his knees to sit in front of her, “I will never leave you Clara, but if we for whatever reason can’t avoid fate, and I end up on Trenzalore, then you must stay away. You must not come with me, because Clara Oswald, I can’t come back. And that’s a good thing, because if anything happened to you where you ended up hurt, or worse because of me? I wouldn’t want to regenerate. I wouldn’t want to live with that.”
Gripping her hands he shook his head, “You must never come with me to Trenzalore.”
“I know….” And she did. She knew the face he didn’t want to talk about, the one with no name. She knew why the Doctor feared him, but when she had met him, he’d been so much younger. His eyes far less haunted. They had made a choice. Because she had been unable to see the Doctor do it, to kill all those people. And instead, they did the impossible. “Just trust me, I’m the impossible girl. It’ll make sense.”
It was the only thing she could think of to say. Troy kept saying she was his impossible girl, and from the way John had reacted, it was her presence there that had let them do the impossible. So if he could just hold onto that….
As he pleaded with her to stay away from Trenzalore, Clara’s heart broke, jaw set as she bit her lip, worried. Because she could see the desperation, and she knew him, oh she knew him and his eyes were proof of the fact that he’d never want to live with it if she were hurt or died because of him. He felt that for all his companions, she understood that. Yet….
“We aren’t fated and we won’t end up at Trenzalore. Not here.” Not if she had anything to do with it. There were choices. Free will. Just because some people felt the need to follow the path they were shown in the dreams regardless of the consequences….
They wouldn’t end up at Trenzalore. So she rested her forehead against Troy’s as a means to try and get the both of them to calm down. To be grounded from dreams and fears.
Troy watched her and sighed when she placed her forehead against his, his own eyes shutting as he clung to her hands and held them tightly. He then opened them up to look at her and smiled, “Of course, of course. I’m being silly, that was then, this is now. I’m an entirely new man, literally, lived a whole nother life. That means destiny’s been lived and broken, whatever fate we have is different now. No, Trenzalore will not be in our future. Of course it won’t, not if you won’t let it happen.”
He smiled and lifted his hand again to cup at her cheek before leaning up to kiss her forehead, before kneeling down once more, “Right. Yes, well… no more discussion of dreams. They’re memories, but not of us, of other selves… right? You’re you now, and I’m me now, and I’m not sending you away. I never will, ever. And we won’t go to Trenzalore, and all will be rather wonderful.”
Standing to his feet then, he hauled her up, “Quickly now. Tradition calls for tea when dreams are discussed.”
Well, it seemed to work. Troy seemed more grounded (or as grounded as the Doctor ever was) and the heavy sensation in the air was gone. She was the impossible girl and she had promised they wouldn’t go to Trenzalore. They were in a different place, so it wasn’t something that they would need to worry about.
“No more talk about dreams.”
It was a good plan. And while she planned to message her friends for a Hen Night, no talk of dreams (or guys for that matter) was to be the rule. For now though? It was tea, because Troy was right. It seemed that whenever one of them had issues with the dreams, tea came into play. Okay, so tea was pretty common, but it was especially true when dreams were discussed.
A startled yelp was given as she was hauled up, but Clara just shook her head with a slight smile. It would be fine. Troy wouldn’t change on her and he wouldn’t send her away. It was all just left over feelings and fears from the dreams. Nothing to worry about at all.