Jemma Simmons is a terrible liar (needanewplan) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2015-07-11 21:44:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, jemma simmons |
Who: Jemma Simmons
What: Breakdown of sorts because of the dreams
When: 11 July 2015
Where: Jemma's flat
Warnings: PTSD issues
Status: Narrative | Complete
Jemma was tired. No, tired wasn't the word. More like exhausted. Every day as she dreamt of being undercover at Hydra, her advancement there and the constant strain and fear of being discovered, it was as if it were seeping into her bones. During the days she was fine. She smiled, could make jokes, stay focused on the task at hand. She may be a poor liar, but she was getting better. She was good at staying quiet on her own problems and just pushing through the day, she was good at masking the cracks beneath the surface. Really, there was no reason for people to worry about her. Compared to what others dreamt of, and compared to the team in her dreams, her own trauma wasn't that bad. She was fine. Completely... fine.
In the bathroom, the first thing she needed to do was wash off the make up she'd been wearing. Her general style, regardless of if it were clothing or hair or make up was subtle, more natural. Proper make up routine, wash it off, then take a shower. A quick one. That was something that had changed, she really disliked being in the water for any longer than necessary. While the shower was indeed contained and not the open ocean, sometimes she could feel panic welling within her and she had to get out, she needed to breathe. That wasn't tonight, though. No. Tonight she had gotten through it just fine and was wrapped in her robe. Right. Face cleanser and moisturiser. A swipe of the steamed mirror was met with a hollow look. It was like she didn't even recognise herself anymore. There were bags under her eyes, her skin pale. Damp hair hanging down her back.
That was the reason she had started a more permanent make up routine, despite the fact it was often just foundation, concealer, some mascara and lip gloss. It helped with the illusion that she was perfectly kept together. She also found ways to style her hair, just a little effort, not too much. But enough that there were no concerns on her well being. Because she was fine. Shaking. But fine.
This stranger staring at her though, it was enough to make her unable to breathe yet again. The panic was bubbling under the surface. What was she becoming? In the dreams, she had to do the same thing as Ward and it made her skin crawl. Coulson said to use half truths, be herself and that was what she did. But she was still building relationships with people even as herself and that made it more dangerous. If she slipped up... Natasha said that Coulson would have a plan to protect her and Jemma knew that, but it was so tiring, so stressful. She had months of built up tension and fear and internalising within the span of a few weeks.
Frantically, her eyes darted around until they landed on the knife she'd gotten from the dreams. Trip's knife. She just needed a change. That would calm her. Fresh start. With shaking hands, she gripped the knife and started to cut at her hair before reality gripped her and the knife clattered to the floor.
No. She wasn't going to follow the path of her dream self. It wasn't even that it was a bad thing. But she didn't want to have her actions determined in such a way. With a whimper, Jemma slid to the ground and buried her face in her knees. She would need to check the damage she had done to her hair once it was dried, and hopefully she would be able to hide it through styling. She hadn't gotten as far as she had in the dreams. Same method, same mind set. Desperation, a need to change herself and not feel like the scared scientist at the bottom of the ocean. How was the team doing? Fitz? The building up of self loathing and guilt were hidden through productivity. She focused on anything but those underlying feelings.
All she wanted was to be useful.
Absently, she stood up and once again stared at her reflection. There were definitely cracks beneath it all. Would she be okay meeting Sarah and Felix? She knew about Delphine and she understood that there must be some sort of suspicion about Jemma herself. After all, she was a scientist. And she worked for a secret organisation. Not that she mentioned it. But because of that, would the two trust her with Cosima? Logically she knew that it would be fine and she shouldn't be concerned about being compared to another person who wasn't even here. But the worries were there all the same. The anxiety.
Shaking her head, Jemma gripped the sink tightly.
"Snap out of it"
Back straightening with a look of determination, Jemma just went about her nightly face washing routine. So what if she was once again pushing it away, internalising the feelings and anxieties. She couldn't let them control her and this was the only way she knew how to keep them from doing so. Fake it til you make it, or something like that. So long as no one saw beneath it all, it would be fine. There was plenty of other things that needed to be focused on as it were.The issues from the dreams? They didn't matter, not here, not now. And if she had to keep reminding herself of that? So be it.