Jemma Simmons is a terrible liar (needanewplan) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2015-06-20 23:18:00 |
|
|||
Entry tags: | !complete, jemma simmons |
Who: Jemma Simmons
What: Dealing with some very upsetting dreams
When: Middle of the night
Where: Jemma's flat
Warnings:
Status: Narrative | Complete
She was drowning. Physically. Emotionally. Mentally. It was hard to even know at this point. So much had happened. Ward was Hydra. He had killed Koeing and she had needed to do the autopsy. Fitz didn't want to admit it, he kept insisting that it wasn't Ward. That he was brainwashed. He couldn't accept what was staring them all in the face. They were on the run, trying to find Skye. Trying to take out Hydra. She was hurting, too. They all were and yet Fitz couldn't accept it. She didn't want to believe it but the evidence was all there. And then they were dragged onto the Bus and they ran. Hid in a medpod, desperate. Fitz trying to talk sense into Ward and then they were falling.
It was ironic in a way. A horrible, cruel, way. Ward had jumped out of a plane to save her when she had been infected. Had saved her life. And now he had dropped her and Fitz out of the plan into the ocean. If it was going to end this way, why had he saved her at all? (Did she want to know?) How they survived the fall, Simmons didn't know. Luck. Everything hurt and they were going to run out of oxygen. But it was fitting. Dying with Fitz, her best friend, where all life had started. But then a shot at survival. A declaration of love without the words and no time to react, not even given a say one way or the other and swimming, desperately to bring Fitz to the surface as well, refusing to leave him at the bottom of the ocean to die.
Nine days. Nine terrible days of not knowing if he'd wake up. Nine days of feeling powerless to do anything, of knowing deep down it was her fault. If she had found another way, if he hadn't sacrificed himself for her.. if she hadn't let him, then Fitz wouldn't be lying in a coma. She didn't sleep unless she was forced to. She stayed up and researched but nothing helped. And when he woke up? He didn't even recognise her. He couldn't speak. Hypoxia. He had been deprived of oxygen for too long. So she stayed by his side. She sought ways to help him, she couldn't abandon him.
It was through the others she learned about what had happened with Project Centipede, John Garrett. She didn't let the wear and tear show though. She couldn't. She needed to be strong, for Fitz, for the others. She took the silence, she took the verbal lashings as he struggled to find himself. When she wasn't with him, trying to find a way to help, she was in charge of rebuilding SciOps for SHIELD. It was a continuous cycle. An exhausting one but she was determined to be of use. She was determined to help. Her own feelings had to be pushed down, they would only get in the way.
Waking with a gasp, Jemma gagged on sea water, struggling to breathe as her body felt fatigue and as if it had been drowning. As if she needed a pressure chamber to combat the effects of being so deep underwater and coming up to the surface. Even if she hadn't woken up at that point, her body had been drowning. One breath, enough to get her to the surface. Sheer determination so that she was able to drag Fitz with her. Nick Fury had saved them. Jemma choked back a sob as she just sat in the dark. The dreams had progressively gotten darker, but she had never anticipated....
The Hydra reveal should have been the end of it. Fine, struggle to learn to trust and yet... And so she analysed. Perhaps in the dream she hadn't wanted to think about what it meant that Ward had saved her when he only meant to kill her later. Don't you care about us?! I do, it's a weakness. And like that, he had dropped them. Was it all a ruse? Was any of him real? He had fooled all of them. The Berserker staff, was that the one time they had seen a part of him that was the real him before all of this? Did it matter?
A look to her clock showed that it was late. She didn't know who to talk to. She could call Cosima, but she didn't want to keep dragging her into her dream related drama. She would probably reach out to Natasha, again... even if she said it didn't matter, even if dream her didn't want to think about it, the truth would bother Jemma, she needed to know. There was a hollow pit in her stomach. A knot of guilt and helplessness. Of being overwhelmed. She would fight it though. She had to push through. She couldn't let the dreams hurt her so much. Because they weren't over. She had seen people mention a sensation of finality but that hadn't happened. All she felt was exhaustion and a desperate need to stay busy.
Getting out of bed, the biochemist shuffled to the kitchen to make tea. It didn't matter how emotionally and physically drained she was from those dreams, there was no way she was going to be sleeping anymore that night.