Who: John & Rose What: Rose has The Dream When: Friday Night (5/16) Where: Their Flat Rating: PG Status: Complete upon posting! sleep who needs sleep.
There was a shining light, something so bright that it seemed to fill the whole TARDIS. Rose couldn’t help but stare at it and she felt the light go into her, as if it were a living being. She felt warm and full and she suddenly understood; she understood the TARDIS, she understood the Doctor, she understood the universe. And she knew what she had to do.
The next thing she could remember was waking up on the floor of the TARDIS, listening to the Doctor spill some rubbish about traveling to Barcelona where the dogs have no noses, but how he wouldn’t be there. Well, he would but it wouldn’t be him? Not the way he looked?
And then it happened.
The Doctor changed. The man she had grown to love so much changed right before her eyes. And turned into someone she was a little afraid of, but in the very tiny spaces in the back of her mind, she felt relief.
“Doctor!” Rose sat up in bed, a cool sweat on her forehead. Not only had she dreamt of the Doctor changing, but of their first adventure together. Well, their first adventure with that face.
Hearing his own name pierced the veil of his dreams of vague redheads with wonderful attitude and libraries he should have loved more. He couldn’t put names to faces yet, might have discovered them that night, but Rose sounded like she was in danger. Nothing could pop him out of any sort of coma faster than that tinge to her voice. So, up John sat with his mind in Doctor-mode.
“What is it Rose?” His hands instantly fell to her shoulders in a concerned, protective grip. He didn’t need the light on to detect her clammy skin or racing heartbeat. “Did you have a bad dream?”
It took Rose a moment to register everything around her, to remember that she wasn’t back at home (was it home? Had she really begun to think her home in her dreams was really home?), trying to survive an alien attack and get use to the Doctor’s new look. She blinked, her eyes adjusting to the room when John’s voice registered. She looked at him, that familiar face she had grown to lo-- had grown to care about so much. She knew that it was only a matter of time before she came to dream of John, but now it had finally happened and she wasn’t sure how to think on it.
Sure, she was happy that he had finally made an appearance, but part of her missed her Doctor; the one she had grown so used to and had come to care about so deeply.
She nodded her head, running her hands through her hair and finding that damp as well. “Yeah, yeah, I’m alright. Bad dream. Well...kind of bad dream?” She looked at John, trying to find him in the darkness. She reached out, finding his hand and took it, giving it a squeeze.
“It happened.”
He knew what that meant, oh yes. Where delight should have issued up into a smile, John’s lingering grip about her shoulders flexed uncertainly, and his other caught by her grasp tightened. He had been anxious for Rose to remember him, but not as much as he hoped that she might never delve into that side of her dreams. Their time together was something he treasured, but was loathe to remember for its untimely end. There were still many pieces missing in between, too, that he hadn’t quite sorted, but that was fine. He wasn’t eager to remember everything.
“Did it,” he practically squeaked out. It was a bad dream--of course it would be. She’d lost his old face, and she hadn’t wanted this one at first. She’d even asked him to change back. Withdrawing from her entirely under the pretense of shifting to turn on the lights, he remained partially distanced from Rose. “Finally saw my new teeth?” He asked lamely, desperate to find a silver lining.
And to see if he couldn’t get her to smile all over again. How fitting.
Feeling John move away from her gave her a panic start and she reached out in the darkness, trying to find him again. When the lights came on, she realized why he had left, but she couldn’t shake the feeling of how much it had unnerved her that he had moved away like that. She frowned, not quite piecing it together, but looking up at him, shifting so she could sit more comfortably in bed.
It did bring about a smile, but it was a small one. “Yeah, I guess I did.” She said, running a hand through her hair again. “It’s so strange, innit? To dream of someone you know here?” She looked at him and her smile grew a little. “And...I dunno. I seem to be mixing things up now. Between real life and the dreams.” It was hard for her to explain the emotions that were running through her and she shifted, wanting him to understand. She didn’t think that he might be reading her intentions the wrong way either.
“I miss him...my Doctor that is. I had grown to really care about him, ya know? I mean, I dunno how long I actually traveled with him, but it felt like at least a couple years.” She smiled, realizing that her time with him had been more since they could travel through time and space. “But then I see you.” She looked at him again, patting the bed so he would sit down again. “And I realize that this was what I was waiting for this whole time. I knew you would be in my dreams, but I just didn’t realize…” She trailed off, looking at him and hoping he understood.
Small was better than nothing, he instantly decided. It was the pesky human in him that found the silver lining so quickly, John thought. Pesky? Now was not the time to have some sort of absurd identity crisis. He was human, Rose had just dreamed of his regeneration, and he needed to focus on the present. All too often, he had a bad habit of simply letting it fly on by as though all the time in the world rested in the palm of his hands. So, John listened to her, he listened well and with the utmost apprehension.
Rather than give her any sort of reply at first, he listened. Gauging when she was finished talking, he nodded absently, toes and fingers fidgeting. He understood, oh how he understood. Some mornings he woke up with every galaxy he’d ever been to jammed into his head, and occasionally that still burned at the far recesses of his mind. Some mornings he was too human for his own good. Then, he’d feel her beside him and everything would realign. He liked that moment of waking the best.
An urgency to insist that he was still the same man nearly dragged its way past his lips, but he refrained. She kept going and he kept hoping that the silver lining wouldn’t tarnish by the end of her words. Coaxed back to the bed slowly, he sunk back down, but the Doctor in him failed to process Rose’s meaning. Ask of him the physics of stars and meteors and he’d have a formula spouted off flawlessly, but ask of him the nuances of human hearts and he would be a poor pupil, indeed.
Opportunity determined, John only managed to respond with a simple question, “What?”
Rose had noticed the change in John, almost instantaneously. It wasn’t a big one, but for being around him fairly close to 24/7, it was little things she began to see in his demeanor that she wondered if it was beginning to bleed over from the dreams. After having her first dream of him as the Doctor, she could suddenly see that she was correct and began to worry. Not that emotions or feelings would get in the way; no, it seemed to her that the Doctor cared about her, she knew that. More that a Time Lords thoughts and ways of thinking wouldn’t really be good for a human being. Which suddenly made sense for when he had his headaches.
Shaking that from her mind, she turned to look at him, trying to find the right words. “I dunno. I guess I just never thought that you would be the Doctor. I thought maybe we traveled together, as companions to the Doctor. That my Doctor would be our Doctor.” It was too difficult. She didn’t want him to think she wasn’t happy to discover he became her Doctor. But it still wasn’t the same. She frowned, thinking about that.
“How did that work anyway? You told me that everything changed in you, every single atom. But you still remembered me. Wouldn’t your memory change as well if you became a completely different person?”
There it was, that incessant need to run. It had been difficult enough when he’d deigned to call himself the Doctor at all, hadn’t it? That was why he didn’t at all around her, because how could he get her to believe him when she’d seen not only his cousin, but that same face in her dreams first? Old leather and ears was the first man she knew with the moniker, and it had been those early stages where he had felt like she saved him. He couldn’t expect her to accept him all shiny and new.
Unconsciously, he ran his tongue over his teen and looked away. Unable to decide whether it was more ideal for her to look at him and not recognize that he was the Doctor or prefer him with another face, he gave into the need to retreat almost imperceptibly. Perhaps he should have left the light off.
Remaining quiet until she had posed a question, John still kept his gaze guiltily averted. Possessing endlessly amounts of it when it came to his time with her, he doubted he would ever be rid of it. Merely shaking his head at first, John knew that wouldn’t be good enough for her, and it shouldn’t have been.
“It’s like a book, Rose, one that’s been reprinted throughout the world and different times,” he offered. “The cover often changes, but what’s inside, the story itself, that remains the same. Pages may be forgotten or updated, but Harry Potter is still Harry Potter whether printed in England or America.” It should have brought him a smile, but it didn’t. “Well… with a few word spelling and word amendments, but… That is the essence of this comparison.”
Rose smiled at his example and nodded her head in understanding. “Right. That makes sense.” Another nod of her head. She looked at John, thinking that this should have been a moment of celebration and happiness! This is what they had been waiting for (at least for her) and it had finally happened. But the atmosphere in the room felt more oppressive than she would have thought.
She turned to face him, taking a hand in hers. “It was a lot,” she said, her eyes getting a distant look as she remembered back to the dreams. They were still there, completely pressed upon her brain like a blinding light. “I just remember a light, a bright light and then we were back in the TARDIS. You-The Doctor was with me. But he was spouting nonsense, but he usually does that. And suddenly he turned into that bright light and you were there.” She looked at him, remembering how he looked. His hair actually looked a bit like it did right now. She grinned, reaching out to run her fingers in it. “You were so...crazed almost. You expected me to understand and accept your new look after watching my Doctor disappear in front of my eyes. You remember all the travels and things we did together as that Doctor. How could I let someone go so easily?” She suddenly realized that it sounded like she was trying to convince the Doctor that he was in the wrong, that she hadn’t meant any harm in asking him to change back.
“But we did have one adventure. I thought I had lost you forever. But you were there for me. I just had to whisper in your ear and you were there for me.” She smiled. “Are we going to go on a lot of adventures together?”
It was gutting, really, to hear those words. He didn’t blame her, never would. He wouldn’t ever be enough, he supposed, and he had to come to terms with that. The solemnity in his eyes grew the more he brought himself down over her words. There hadn’t been anything he could say in those moments after changing to make her feel better, he’d been lucky to get a bit of a smile. She’d gone as far as to give up on him briefly, but he forgave her for that. How could he not?
Regeneration itself was awful, that feeling of dying and peeling away old things to usher in the new. Seeing with brand new eyes though, now that was a hell of an adventure. Remembering but forgetting, it was an indescribable experience, and not one he wanted to reprise any time soon.
Looking at their hands, his heart heavy in his chest, he seemed to perk up at the end. Darting a glance her way almost uncertainly, his own smile threatened to rise, if only just barely. Her question wiped it off his face completely, then marked John’s visage with unmistakable despair and a hint of sentimentality.
“Oh, we will do some running together, Rose Tyler,” he said through pursed lips. Those were the adventures he didn’t want her to see. He didn’t want her to remember just how he’d let her down in the end.
The idea of further adventures with John should have been a happy thought, something to look forward to. She had finally gotten to the point where she could enjoy her dreams, wonder what new place the Doctor would take her to and know it was the man she cared about very much in this life. But the way John presented it didn’t seem like it would be something to look forward to.
“What is it John?” she asked, trying to catch his eye. “I thought this would be something good, something that we’ve been looking forward to! But you seem to be…” She tried to find the right word and shrugged. “I dunno, upset? I’m sorry if I made it sound like I didn’t want to see you in my dreams earlier! It was just confusing to have these feelings in my dream and have my feelings here mix together.” Confusing was an understatement. It wasn’t even that she had to process them when she woke up, but she felt them combining together as she dreamt.
“You know,” she said, looking down at their hands together as her thumb making small circles on the back of his hand. “I knew the exact moment when I would never mistrust you again.” She glanced back up at him. “We were with the Sycorax and you had just woken up. A spot of tea was what you needed.” Her smile only grew as she continued to remember this part of her dream. “But you came out and took charge. And you looked me in the eye and asked me how you looked.” She laughed, shaking her head. “Ginger! You know here, we could always dye your hair if you want to be ginger.” Her tongue poked out, touching the corner of her mouth. “But you said I had given up on you. And I had. I had and I shouldn’t have.” She looked at him. “And I knew I never would again. No matter what you looked like, it was still you. You wonderful, crazy, brilliant Doctor.” Her smile was in full force now and she leaned over, giving him a kiss on the lips.
What would happen when she dreamed of the Canary Wharf? How would she look at him then? He stared helplessly at her, mentally willing the puppeteers of dreams to hold off for as long as they could. It was inevitable that Rose find out her fate, but was there really any harm in hoping she could bask in well-deserved ignorance a little while longer? He couldn’t tell her, not now. Not like this.
Finally meeting her gaze with his own, albeit reluctantly, John vaguely shook his head. “It’s alright, Rose,” he assured. “You haven’t got to apologize to me. Ever. I understand. I’ve dreamed of it already, only trying to get used to that distant feeling again.” So many years had tacked on to his psyche between the time of changing and all else. that it felt far away.
As she carried on, he couldn’t decide if it felt like the weight was lifting from his chest. There was a faraway echoing of a second heartbeat he didn’t possess ringing in his ears, a sound of which became somehow eclipsed by the radiance of her smile. It was still very important to him that he be ginger, but not as much as it was to be simply accepted as the Doctor.
Opening his mouth to speak, John shut his trap just in time to greet her lips with his own. His free hand flew up to cup the back of her head, hoping she’d stay like that just a little while longer. When he did pull back from her, the moment hanging thick in the air, he wished he had the courage to say dangerous words dancing on the tip of his tongue. Instead, he gave her the sort of smile she had yet to see and wrapped his arms tightly about her a second later.
“I’m still me,” he assured, whether for his own sake or hers, he didn’t know.
It was reassuring to have him say that. She had felt the shift and change within him, something that was a little manic and...well, just different. She would care about him no matter the change, but she sometimes wondered if John was still in there, the one she had met through the network and felt the instant connection with. And now she knew why they had that connection.
“I’m excited to see where our adventures take us,” she said, enjoying when he held her in this way. “Now when I talk about things, you’ll know about it! Or more, when you talk about things, I’ll be able to know about it.” She grinned, trying to look at the silver lining of it. This should have been an exciting, happy time for them yeah? But Rose felt like there was something upsetting in all of this.