Clara Oswald is going the long way round (alwaysbeenthere) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2015-04-11 11:21:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, clara oswald, eleventh doctor |
Who: Clara Oswald and Troy Handsome [Eleven]
What: Things starting to look up. Serious discussions on the Dreams.
When: 11 April 2015, early early morning before the sun comes up
Where: Clara’s Flat
Warnings: Low/None
Status: Log | Complete
She was lost. She was falling, falling, continuously falling. It was like she would never stop.. She didn’t know if she could stop. She was in freefall, feeling as though she were nothing but a ragdoll being tossed about by the time winds. Everything that made her her was being taken from her and she was left hollow. Hollow until she hit the ground. Where was she? She felt so lost, so alone. She wanted to cry. But there were noises, so many noises as if someone was close by even though there was no one there.
“Doctor? Doctor!” And still no response, just the time wind around her. It was too much and she broke down, crying to herself. “I don’t where I am..”
And just like that. She heard her name.
Clara. He was there. But that was impossible. But it was reassuring. It was hope. And just like that, as he said he was there, everywhere, she saw him. All his faces. Not her Doctor, but the Doctor all the same. She could feel herself start to hope again. They were running past her, never seeing her, but he was there. Those are my ghosts, my past. Every good day, every bad day. Then a cry of pain and lightening and she was knocked to the ground.
“What’s happening?!”
I’m in my own time stream, it’s collapsing on itself.
Of course he was. Stupid!
“Well get out then!”
Not until I’ve got you.
And that was the problem. She wasn’t her anymore, was she?
“I don’t even know who I am….”
You’re my impossible girl…I’m sending you something, not from my past, but yours. Look up. Despite how lost she felt, how hopeless this situation was becoming again, Clara did just that and it was the leaf. The most important leaf in human history. She could hear the Doctor telling her to hold onto it, that it would lead her home and so she pushed herself up, stumbling towards she didn’t know where. She was scared. So very scared. But she forced herself to stumble forward. And just like that, the Doctor’s voice was calling her, not all encompassing, but behind her and so she turned slowly, and there he was, beckoning her over. She didn’t think she could make it. It seemed so impossible…
“How…”
“Because it’s impossible, and you’re my impossible girl. How many times have you saved me, Clara?” She wanted to believe him. She wanted to trust, so despite the heaviness in her that seemed to contrast against how she felt hollow when falling, she moved forward, “Just this once, just for the hell of it, let me save you! You have to trust me, Clara, I’m real! Just one more step!” And suddenly she felt herself being hugged and she hugged back tightly, desperately, “Clara, my Clara.”
But then his arms seemed to slacken as if something were wrong, and she turned and there was a face. A face she didn’t recognise. So she asked, she had to know.. she was exhausted and worn down, and yet… it was important. She could feel it.
“That’s not my point, the name I chose is the Doctor. The name you choose.. it’s like a promise you make...and he’s the one who broke that promise…”
It was too much, and after everything, she finally just collapsed, unconscious.
And that was when Clara woke up. She didn’t feel any more rested, she had seen so many lives (and she was fairly certain she was never going to look at snow the same way again), but she felt...like herself again. Looking to the bedside table, she noticed it. The leaf. On shaky legs, she stood up and went to the bathroom, her reflection no longer seeming to be off as it had been for weeks now.
He did it. He had saved her.
Despite the fact that she looked like hell still, pale, tears, Clara shuffled out to the living room. She had no idea if Troy was awake or not. She wasn’t even sure what time it was. She just needed to see him.
Despite all that Troy talked about, all of the bravado he spoke with when he said that the dreams were nothing more than just dreams, that they didn’t need to fear them; in spite of all of that, Troy was still a victim to them in his own right. Troy saw them, and he remembered things, he knew things that he wasn’t meant to know. Knowledge that was beyond years and beyond the science and the physics of earth as it was understood at this very moment. It was what kept him awake at night, really, and it was why Troy was up even now, staring at a long since cold cup of tea, a bowl of custard next to that, and a plate of fish sticks there as well.
Rubbing his hands together, fingers coiled and uncoiled as he watched the images before him, swirling with dreams and thoughts and memories. He could feel it, at that moment, the earth. He could feel it moving beneath his feet, spinning, circling the sun; he could feel the time moving around him, felt it’s actual movements, he felt it passing, like a wave that tingled as it went by.
Frowning, Troy shook his head and came to life the moment he caught the feeling of someone approaching him. Scarily, he wasn’t sure if it was her thoughts he heard, the sense of her he felt, or it was just natural ability to notice things out of one’s periphery. Smiling quickly to hide his own thoughts, Troy looked up at the young girl and smiled even brighter, far more sincere, when he saw her face.
“You really should be sleeping you know. Are you feeling alright? I’d have had tea ready had I known you’d be up this early… or late… or however you might classify it…”
Clara heard him, but for the time being she just stood there, looking at Troy and blinking as she wiped away tears that she’d cried in her sleep from the fear, the sensation of being lost. Part of her was worried that he was still up. A lot of her was worried about that, but she just shook her head some. Did she feel alright? Yes. In that she wasn’t feeling as though she were a thousand different pieces, all broken and no longer fitted together. No because she was so drained, not rested.
“Thank you.”
Her voice was quiet and really, it didn’t even make sense because he was asking her questions. But she just needed to say it. She knew that Troy didn’t like the dreams of the Doctor. And she knew the Doctor, her Doctor, carried such a burden with him. She’d seen it repeatedly in the dreams. And yet he had come for her.
With that, she just went over to Troy and hugged him, face buried against his shoulder as she let out a shuddery breath.
“Thank you for saving me.”
Because she knew how he felt. She knew that he said one day, the Doctor wouldn’t save her. That it happened before and it would happen again.That he would try for a time, but eventually, he’d just let her go away… but he had gone into his own time line to save her and bring her home. And all she could do was thank him and hug him.
Thank you, the voice hit Troy and wiped his smile from his face. It was replaced with one of confusion, with Troy fidgeting to try and work out it’s meaning in his mind; did she think he’d said he did have tea ready for her? Perhaps it was because he was just staying the night, maybe that was why--though seemed a bit odd to say it after all this time. When he looked up at her, though, the confusion was one of concern now. She seemed a ghost, she seemed hazy, distant, as if coming from something terrifying, deep, and a long ways away.
He was about to stand, to approach her, to make sure she was feeling okay, but then she was suddenly upon him and he felt her arms around him in a secure hug that was immediately met with a hug of his own, wrapping around her torso as he clung to her. He was a bit shocked, even a tiny bit scared that something was wrong, but the shuddering breath suggested a bit of relief, and hearing her words Troy frowned, and just sunk his face into her hair, clinging to her quietly.
Finally he pulled back from the hug, hands resting on either side of her head, half stroking her hair as he watched her eyes, “Saving you? Clara… what are you talking about?”
Still, as he watched her eyes, he could see a sincerity there, and he just held her forehead against his, shaking his head as he frowned, “I haven’t saved you Clara, you’ve done that yourself. Strong enough to overcome those dreams, I’ve simply been here, drinking your tea and eating your Jammie Dodgers. Impossibly strong, Clara, you’re impossibly strong.”
He smiled then, looking at her as he winked, “My impossible girl.”
Of course Troy wouldn’t realise what it was she meant. He hadn’t gotten that far and he still seemed to want to claim that the Dreams were just that, dreams. Usually Clara tried to separate from them, to try and stick with third person instead of first. But in this moment, she was so overwhelmed with everything that had happened in the Dreams that it didn’t matter. Because she knew, she knew that there was so much more to the Dreams than just that. Maybe not the theory she had thought of when Troy had first shown up, that they were the subconscious trying to make them wake up, but there was so much more than met the eye.
“In the Dreams you did. And it was stupid and reckless, but you did it even though I was saving you…”
And again things that wouldn’t make sense. But given Troy’s conviction that one day the Doctor would just leave her behind, well, he hadn’t. Not in this instance. She couldn’t believe he had jumped into his own Time Stream, but he had and now she didn’t feel so torn apart. It wasn’t as if she were broken into a thousand pieces that were floating aimlessly. The echos had been enough to save him.
Then he said it. My impossible girl. It caused her heart to stop briefly as her eyes widened, because even if he didn’t know, it had to mean something. Because that was only from the Dreams. So much of what he said mirrored conversations, especially in his Time Stream. But that? That was word for word her Doctor.
“Never doubt what he does, Troy. There is so much good he has done and if he hadn’t made his choices, if things had turned out differently, the world would not be better. So never doubt that.”
The stars had gone out. So much pain. It was why she had made that decision. That said, she once again hugged him because he was real, she was real. It was all so real again.
Troy seemed to fight the urge to turn away when she mentioned the Doctor again, to recoil a bit at the mention of him being the Doctor once more, and he the frown that etched into his face revealed that he still didn’t trust that title, or identity. Still, he didn’t pull back, and just let her continue to talk, his hands moving to rest on his lap now when she spoke.
Frowning, Troy shook his head and pushed to his feet, moving to collect his cup of tea and take it back towards her kitchen, “I didn’t save you, Clara, he did… but you were in that situation in the first place because of him. Never forget that you’re suffering because of him. And I do not doubt that he did anything reckless and stupid, that seems to be his calling card…”
Troy set the cup down, before turning back towards his cousin, watching her with a furrowed brow. Then he sighed, “I am glad that whatever he did, he was able to help you overcome your dreams, to allow you to feel safe again, but they’re just dreams. We’ve talked about this... “
Troy obviously knew they weren’t, he’d said so before that he was disturbed by them, but that didn’t change the fact that he seemed eagerly awaiting the opportunity to prove them wrong. He wanted nothing more than to be stubborn and deny them. Rubbing his hands together, Troy then made his way back towards the couch, sitting down to look back towards her, “How can anyone defend a man that puts so many in danger? Fine, he’s saved planets, but he’s also put so many in danger.”
Frowning, he shook his head as he looked into the distance, “Rose nearly destroyed herself just to protect him. To save him. He tried, I’ll give him that, he tried to keep her away from it… but what’s the point? He knew she’d come back, because he knew that he created loyalty. Companions almost become soldiers, it’s a terrifying thought.”
Clara just sighed as Troy once again went on about the Doctor and how he was a bad person. She understood, she did. But after everything that had happened… he was holding on to all the pain and suffering. Maybe he needed it, she didn’t know. But that also didn’t change the fact that both of them knew it was more than all of that. They both knew that the dreams weren’t just dreams, Clara was just more willing to see that whereas Troy was going to keep holding onto the idea that they were just dreams, even though she could see in him that he didn’t believe it. He just kept repeating it.
Maybe it was more real for Clara and how she didn’t separate it as much because to her, Troy was the Doctor. She didn’t know if Troy had gotten that far. He certainly hadn’t dreamt of her yet, so it was less personal. It was a theory and it at least made sense to her. For him, he felt it, she knew he did, but it wasn’t the two of them like it was for her.
“Because I saw what happened when the victories of his became failures.” She saw him dying. Repeatedly. It was why she’d needed to see him after that dream and had used a souffle adventure to do so. Because she had wanted to make sure he was okay but she knew that filtering again with the same question would be too much of a sign that something was troubling her. And she had tried to keep the shattered feeling hidden from her family for a reason. “The name you choose is a promise, and maybe you don’t see it, maybe the Doctor holds to the promise but doesn’t see it in his actions, but those who travel with him? They do.”
Yes, she was throwing his words at him, not that Troy had dreamt that conversation yet.
“I don’t know what Rose saw to make her risk her life for the Doctor. But I know she wouldn’t regret it. Just like I don’t..or the me in the Dreams. You… the Doctor,” because she would at least try to separate the two for Troy’s sake, “was dying. Repeatedly and a thousand times all throughout his time stream as some smug hollow person went and changed all his victories to failures. It was the only way, despite what it meant…”
Troy was smart enough to figure it out. Even if he wanted to avoid admitting to being the Doctor, he had the knowledge to realise that not only had Clara gone into the Time Stream to save him, but that he’d gone into the Time Stream to save her and why that was so incredibly reckless on his behalf. That she had gone in, full well knowing what it meant.
Troy frowned and seemed frustrated with the line of discussion; likely because he kept hearing the slip ups which suggested she did, on some level, truly believe these dreams were something real, something more than just dreams, and he didn’t want to think of them that way. Because then that meant he was that man, it meant he was the Doctor, and being the Doctor meant you were alone, and death followed you, and you did all these wonderful things, but you always returned to being alone. Shaking his head, Troy looked back to her.
“If he’s such a great man, with all of these great victories, then why does he keep putting more and more people in harm’s way? Why does he put them on a path where they need saving? Or a path where they die? You can be a man who does great things, but on a personal level you’re not. I don’t trust this man, I trust him to get the job done, yes, but that’s where that trust gets terrifying. Because, Clara, he’ll get the job done by any means necessary, and then try to fix it in the end if he can. And he can’t always do that.”
Troy rubbed his hands together, listening to her mention his victories, the stars in the sky blotting out, and he just swallowed as he looked back into his hands, “I don’t want to be that man, Clara. I don’t want to be the Doctor.”
She was trying, but it was hard. Especially with what had happened, with waking up. All she knew was that it had been worth it. Troy might not think so, but all those choices… And the fact that no one should be alone. It was as obvious to her as anything. They could try but in the end? People would seek out some sort of companionship.
“Because no matter how great or influential a person is, they can’t control everything and even when they try, something will happen. Those things come for anyone though, it’s not a question of simply seeking it out. They still happen regardless.”
And in the end, that was how it was. She had seen the Doctor when he didn’t want to be around anyone. The Victorian governess version of herself. The one who he tried to get away from, the one with the word test. A great man but no more because he’d been hurt too much. Not to mention, even if the Doctor stayed on his cloud and away from people in an attempt to keep from hurting, to not put people at risk… the danger still came.
The crux of it though was that Troy didn’t want to be the Doctor. And as much as Clara felt that he was a good man, or that he at least tried and that was the most important thing, she didn’t blame him. She wouldn’t want to be that man either. So she just sighed and laced her arm through his and rested her head against Troy’s arm.
“I know you don’t, Troy. I know.” And she knew the Doctor didn’t want to be that man, either. But what could any of them really do about that? Clara now knew full well that they couldn’t stop it. Because even with the random gifts showing up, she hadn’t really believed in the turning into that person. And while Clara was still Clara, the sensation of being shattered into a thousand pieces? It was terrifying and reality and there wasn’t much to do but find a way to move on now that she was whole again.
Troy just sighed when he felt her head rest against his arm, and he felt her curl her own arms around his. He looked down at the hold, then back to his mug before reaching forward to snatch up one of the napkins he’d had on the table, then held it up to her. All over the back of it was some mathematical equations, as well as letters and symbols that made no sense. He stared at it awhile, before then leaving it to her and returning to leaning back against the couch, pulling her back with him.
“That’s the equation for a teleporter. I saw in a dream last night, I woke up writing it down, thinking I’d convince myself I was crazy… but that’s what it is. I see it, and I know what each means, and what it can do…”
Troy lifted fingers up to grip at the bridge of his nose, rubbing securely before sighing and breathing out, “I don’t want to be him Clara. All the death he’s seen, the loneliness… you know, I feel it everyday now. I feel it in class. I’m so excited to teach and show them things, but I can’t keep my thoughts straight, and then I’m lonely when they leave. It’s dumb, because I’m not alone, but it’s the feeling from him coming through…”
Troy shook his head then looked away, “Death, the loneliness, the vast amounts of nothing; so many spectacular things, but he wants to show them all to someone, and yet he’s always stepping into trouble. He never escapes it, it’s tiring, and lonely, and the companions will leave him. They all do. They find someone, or they die, or they’re left behind…”
Even as he moved, Clara remained as she was, simply moving with him. It was how she and Troy usually interacted anyway. Even so, she took the napkin in one hand and just stared at the equations. Maths had never been her strong suit, and so all the symbols just seemed to blur together. Oswin would have understood it and while Clara had a better grasp of maths and technology because of her, this was another level.
Formulas in hand and seemingly crumpled as she held onto it, Clara let herself be pulled back against the couch and just looked up at Troy as he spoke. Staring at the equation for a teleporter wouldn’t do her any good. But it explained enough. Troy was trying to fight it, yet it was seeping through all the same. The understanding of equations. The excitement to teach and the loneliness of one who had lost those he cared about, who had seen death after death.
“The more you fight it, the harder it becomes, the more it affects you…”
That had been what had happened with her. Nearly two weeks of the Dalek Asylum because she avoided sleep, because she fought against it because while the faded feeling was unsettling, she was more okay with that versus what she had seen and experienced as Oswin. And it had led them to this, and Troy didn’t know the first half of it.
She also understood how emotions could bleed over. It was complicated and confusing, but it just was.
“All I know is I won’t let you be lonely.”
Yes, that could be said of Clara for the Doctor. But right now it was Clara to Troy. Because she understood and she had already been worrying about that loneliness seeping through, she already had said she’d keep him company if he needed it.
Troy smiled and reached a hand up to pat the one holding onto his arm, before sighing and looking back towards her, sizing her up, taking time to appreciate her. Her strength, power, will, intelligence, it was always so impressive and brilliant to him. It was inspiring really. Letting his hand squeeze at hers, he laughed just a bit and then looked away.
“That’s thing though, isn’t it Clara? You’re here, I have you next to me, and I couldn’t be happier or want anyone more around me, but I still feel so alone…” Troy smiled, though it was a slightly saddened one, as he turned to face her a bit more. Bringing one leg up to tuck onto the couch, and he stared back down at her.
“Clara, dreams or reality, right now in my head, I have almost a millennia of memories, and that tends to make you feel lonely. Incredibly lonely. So, forgive me when I tell you, that I will fight this to the very end, until my brain won’t let me anymore, because I don’t want to become that man. He’s done a lot of great things, but he regrets so much, and I’m still human, no human should have to know those memories, and no human is built for that much regret. It hurts, the memories, I think that’s what hurts my brain when I dream. Why it burns sometimes.”
He sighed and frowned before turning a brow up, “Man, the two of us are two really depressing conversationalists recently, aren’t we? Still, you’ve been saved and that makes me happy. Means he did right by you, hope that means he continues to do right by you.”
As Troy spoke, Clara just watched him. It wasn’t anything new, she tended to keep an eye on all her family, she knew how to read them. There was such a faraway look on his face, melancholy. The look of the Doctor when he didn’t think she was watching. When he didn’t think she could see. It was the same thing with her dad, with John and with Troy. Sometimes she would catch them when they didn’t think she saw or didn’t think she’d notice.
“Sometimes, Troy, you break my heart.” And he did. Things like this because Clara wanted to fix thing, she always had. Fix them. Have a measure of control. But she knew that there was nothing she could do with this. She could tell Troy that fighting it would only make it worse, but she couldn’t make him accept it. He’d fight it because he didn’t want to be that man. Because he had the Dreams that she and Rose didn’t. The dreams John did and already John worried he would change into that man, had apologised for it. “But if I can mitigate even a bit of that loneliness, I will. I’m just saying, I think part of what I was going through was because I was avoiding what I had dreamed, that’s all. Just know I’ll be here, okay?”
It was all she could do and she had to find a way to accept that. Even as she struggled to make sense of what she had gone through. She knew she would do whatever she could to help all of them.
“This really is quite strange for us. But yes.. I’ve been saved and I believe he will keep doing right by me.”
She couldn’t know for sure. But there was just something in the way he had clung to her in the Dream, the desperation of going into his own Time Stream. She couldn’t imagine him letting her down. She knew he’d have her back, even if it seemed improbable.
“I’m not trying to break your heart, Clara,” Troy offered before looking to her with a smile, “I’m fine, and I will be fine, and everything will be fine; I just, well I wanted to make sure you understood that I know I’m not alone, but the loneliness is there because I have memories that expand beyond a millennia. I know I’m not alone, but I’m also not the only person in my own head at this moment, and I don’t really know how to get out of that feeling…”
Troy reached out to squeeze her hand again, before shaking his head, “I’ll be fine though, I always am. After all, you’re here with me right?”
Eyes moved from her when she began talking just a bit more, allowing him to think on what the Doctor was, who he was, what he did for his companions. She was right, of course, he would continue doing right by her. He’d try everyday, and every minute, to be that person for her. That’s how the Doctor worked. Yet, Troy knew that the day would come when that didn’t happen.
Sighing, he looked back towards her and nodded, “He’ll continue to try and do right by you, but he’ll make mistakes. He may be a great man, but he’s not perfect, and the mistakes he makes. The mistakes a man like him can make? Absolutely dangerous. Still, you’re right. And yes, very strange for us, we need to get some normalcy in our lives, don’t you think?”
“Like you’re a thousand different people all at once. Living. Dying. All those memories…”
That was certainly something Clara now understood. The different people inside her head. They seemed to have been muffled since waking up, since she was saved and allowed to be really and truly herself again. And it was obvious in her voice. She was Clara Oswald again, something she had been afraid she would lose, but she understood. Maybe it would be easier for Troy once he dreamt of the Doctor as him. Though given the Doctor, it might not. Who knew.
But he seemed to know she would always be there for him and that was the most important thing.
“Exactly, and I’m not going anywhere.”
Not if she could help it. Clara was quite resolute on this sort of thing. She might not always have a say, but if it was in her power, she would be there for him. And John. And her Dad. It just was the way of the world. Though it was interesting what Troy said, and the way she saw things.
“He’s a great man trying to be a good man.” Because there was actually a difference. “He tries though and that’s important.” It was that trying that made her trust the Doctor. There were people who did amazing things, yet didn’t care about the type of person they were. “The mistakes are dangerous, but he still tries.” No one was was perfect, no matter how much she looked up to the Doctor, especially in those first few dreams, Clara knew that. Had seen the sliver of ice. Had been terrified. But at the end of the day, she knew who he was, and everything he tried to be. For her, it was enough.
“Normalcy sounds brilliant.”