Annie Cresta is one with the waves (lifeisastorm) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2015-04-01 20:08:00 |
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Annie was tired of dreaming of Panem. She was tired of dreaming in general. She had hoped the dreams were over. She’d been protected from the Capitol for years. What could there possibly be for her to dream anymore? She was working on her sanity. She and Finnick were happy. Or as happy as any victor could be in Panem. Why did they have to continue?
But the Quarter Quell. Even the news that all former victors would be eligible for the arena had sent a chill down Annie’s spine. It was the reaping all over again. Only this time, those on the stage knew what was in store. There weren’t any delusions of bringing honour to the district. No dreams of safety after. No. Just the cold harsh reality that the promise of never going back in had been a lie.
Up until the reaping, Annie had been a bundle of nerves. She was skittish again. That skittishness had manifested in the waking world, compounding her nerves and anxieties thanks to the news she’d received a month ago. Then it was the reaping and her name had been called. She was going back and that panic and fear and desire to just die had all come out in a scream. All the hard work at regaining some sense of reality seemingly shattered because of what she was about to endure. Only for Mags to volunteer for her. Mags was going back in. She’d said she didn’t mind, that she’d lived a good life and Annie had so much to give but it was a lie. It was because all three of them, Finnick too, knew that Annie would lose it in the arena. Either she would die first because she never was meant to survive in the first place, or if something happened to Finnick….
But it didn’t matter. They were taken from her and Annie was forced to watch as her mentor and lover were sent back in. Forced to watch the terrors that should have been hers to bear. It was the death of Mags and Finnick being injured that jolted her awake, sobbing. None of it mattered here, yet the images haunted her all the same. The feelings clawing deep within bones, chilling her blood… it was all there.
So Annie did what she always did when hurting, she disregarded convention and went to the beach as she was, just in her pajamas, and dove into the waves. She was so relieved that she no longer feared the water, because right now, this was probably the only way she’d be able to get through the night. She let the waves push her around, became one with the motion of up and down, lulled into a sense of familiarity. But it hurt. She wanted to scream but she knew that would be dangerous. So instead, she submerged herself under water for as long as she could, until her lungs screamed for air, burning, and pushed herself back up, gasping. To an observer, it would seem as if she were struggling and even drowning. But who would be out here at this time?
His dreams had moved onto post Hunger Games victory and suddenly he found himself part of the spotlight again in Panem and it was everything he didn’t want. Something was going on with Katniss, he was trying to take care of Haymitch, and the whole idea of the Victory Tour turned his stomach sour. Did they really have to play this game? Peeta just wished that they could fast forward through all this, or even better, just completely stop the dreams all together! Wouldn’t that just be the most wonderful thing in the world? Unfortunately, that didn’t really seem like something that would happen to him and he kind of hoped it wouldn’t happen because that would most likely signify his death.
So, tonight he had decided to go out and take a wander along the beach by their apartment building. The moon was bright and sometimes you just needed a fresh breath of air to get your mind to start working again. The salt in the air was even better and he liked to pretend it helped send the demons away. He was lost in his own thoughts as he approached the water and heard a noise from further out in the water. What was going on? His eyes strained to try and see what was going on and it almost looked like someone was out there and in trouble.
He rushed forward, taking a few steps into the water, and remembered that he couldn’t actually go in with his leg on. Did he have time to take it off? Quite possibly not, so he went as far as he could without getting it went and shouted, “Are you okay? It may take me a moment to come out there. Try to tread water if you can!” He stepped back a few steps after he spoke and began the process to remove his leg.
Despite the fact that she could hear the ocean around her, it was quiet enough that she heard a voice calling out to her. A familiar voice at that. Peeta? At first she didn’t understand what he was asking, but it registered and her eyes widened. He probably thought… Oh. Okay. This had been a bad idea.
“Peeta?!”
This really was not going to end well. And she didn’t even know if he had heard her. Annie wasn’t exactly loud, but she had still called out so hopefully he’d realise she was fine. Because he knew how she’d survived her own Games. Swimming. Even so, she dove under the water and swam towards the surface, thankful that the current was working with her this time as opposed to pushing her out as it had before.
Coming up for air, almost as if a mermaid in the waves, she made it to the shore.
“What are you doing out here? I’m fine?”
Okay, she really wasn’t but right now Annie was more concerned with accidentally making Peeta do something he shouldn’t be doing because he thought she was in trouble.
“Annie? Jesus christ, you scared the shit out of me! I thought you were drowning. And I couldn’t get out there because of my leg and now you showed up,” He held his prosthetic leg in his hand and stared at her with a surprised look on his face. He had been just about to get into the water to go save whomever was out there and here she was. Of course she was fine, she was basically a mermaid stuck on land.
His balance really wasn’t the best anymore and he allowed himself to fall back onto his butt in the sand. This would be much easier to put his leg back on and he stared up at her, “I was out taking a walk and trying to clear my head. Why in the world did you go out there in your -- pajamas?” At least that’s what he thought she was wearing. It was kind of hard to tell, but he gestured to her soaking wet outfit that probably weighed ten pounds now and not the best idea.
“Sorry… I didn’t think anyone was out here at this time.” Which okay, most people would not be going out swimming when there was no one to ensure they were safe. Anything could happen. But Annie had been counting on that. She just had been caught up in her dreams and trying to deal with all the emotions so she went swimming. As she was.
Shifting her weight some, Annie rubbed her wrists absently over the scars that were always covered with ribbons or bracelets. But she could at least give Peeta an answer since he had nearly gone to save her if she hadn’t shown up back on shore.
“Same… I mean. I was trying to clear my head after waking up from another set of Dreams…”
He kept his eyes on her as he started to put his leg back on and noticed when she rubbed her wrists. He was not the type to pry about things like that, but he could put two and two together. And of course it was the Dreams that would cause her come out here. He patted the sand beside him and turned his face up to hers, “Come on down here and we can talk about it. I’m not going to be able to get up for a moment anyway. My Dreams are getting ready for the Victory Tour and my fake relationship with Katniss. Tons of fun.”
Well, the Panem group did tend to talk to one another about the Dreams. It was their own little support group in a way, so she might as well. Sitting down, Annie hugged her knees to her chest, chin on them as she stared ahead at the darkened ocean.
“I’m sorry.”
Because what could anyone really say about anything involving the Games? Annie had a shortened Victory Tour thanks to the whole insane bit, the appeal of the Ophelia type was lost and it made more sense to hide her away back at District 4.
“I dreamt about the 75th Games. Or part of them. I don’t know how they’ll turn out.”
She’d been warned of them by someone on the network, but she had managed to convince herself that it was a dream, stress, something. Joanna had mentioned them as well. That didn’t make it any easier to deal with them, to live through watching helplessly.
“Ugh, I don’t even want to think about that. Katniss really angered Snow and I’m afraid of what the repercussions will be and I think the Games are going to be part of it. I’m afraid to go on this Victory Tour. We’re doing a fake engagement and I’m not sure how people are going to truly react to seeing the two of us. And trying to pay respects to some of the jerks from the Games? That sucks.”
It was hard to find pity for people who tried to kill him sometimes. The careers were ruthless and the whole game was dog-eat-dog. Something was going to happen on this Tour and his nerves were becoming frayed just trying to avoid finding out. And that was why he and Annie ended up on the same beach at the same time.
“Quarter Quell, there’s always ‘special’ rules, easy enough to make it a statement against her…” But that would make sense of it. Katniss had made a stand, whether she meant to or not. Why not make the former victors go back into the Arena? Especially since Katniss would be guaranteed to go in because she was the only female victor from District 12. There was no hiding of her disgust in the word special. Just because Annie seemed quiet and mild mannered, it didn’t mean that when something or someone made her feel physically sick she masked it.
“I don’t remember much from mine. Then again, I wasn’t exactly in my right mind either.”
And from then on, she was insane. Because why would they want to say that the games had such negative effects on the victors? No. It was just something wrong with Annie. Not that she’d known what was real or not for months… Finnick had been the one to help her in the dreams, and here she had no idea what to expect with him gone. She tried to hold onto her sanity in the real world, but it was hard. Especially lately.
“I don’t remember yours now that I think about it…” But if that meant they had made it to District 4, or if it was just Annie avoiding because Finnick and Mags found ways to keep her away from the Capitol… who knew.
“Don’t worry about it. So, are you still trying not to sleep? Because you should really talk to someone. I just started seeing a new therapist and I think it’s going to go well,” Peeta admitted to Annie. It wasn’t something he really liked to talk about to other people, but Annie was different. Displaying his flaws to other people was not something he did and that had been drilled into him for a long time, but now he was starting to buck that trend. He didn’t want to hide his problems anymore. He wanted to make sure he got the help he needed because he just wanted to live a normal life.
“No. I mean… well… I do try to stay awake, but maybe…” Because Annie knew, deep down, that she needed to see someone. It wasn’t just the Panem dreams anymore that were troubling her, that were keeping her up. The jumpiness, the skittishness? It had been increasing again. She probably should have sought out a therapist when she first moved but she had wanted to move past the basement and hell from it that she had been convinced she didn’t need one here.
Sighing, she tilted her head to the side so that her cheek was on her knees as she looked to where Peeta was. Most people didn’t talk about therapists, but she never got the feeling from Peeta that he’d lie, especially about something like this. It was reassuring, even if she was still afraid of a lot.
“Do you know if they specialise in anything? And if they’re aware of the dreams?” Because well, that would be important as it wasn’t just one or the other haunting Annie.
“Not sure about what he specializes in, but he does know about the Dreams. I’m really thankful for that because I had to explain everything about the Games in order for him to know what was going on with me. He had some really good suggestions on possible things to do to help with the memories and PTSD that happens,” Peeta knew that Annie would understand what he was speaking about it, “His name is Anatoly Sergievsky and I can give you his information if you’re at all interested.”
He knew her problems were deep and speaking to someone would certainly help. He wasn’t foolish to think that he could handle things on his own anymore. The Hunger Games messed with your mind and a lot of Victors weren’t in good mental health anymore once they survived. At least Anatoly would have some idea of the Games if Annie ever went to speak to him.
He. That was… well, Annie didn’t like being in rooms with males if she didn’t know them. She knew that it was irrational but she was still uncertain. Unconsciously, she started to clasp and unclasp the drenched fabric of her pajama bottoms. Still. PTSD was something Annie constantly struggled with, the memories, and if he knew about the Games…
“I might… not sure.”
But it was something to keep in mind. Because Annie knew that no matter what she said, that she couldn’t keep going like this. There were so many dreams she was avoiding, Panem, New York. The trapped feeling.
“That’s okay,” he spoke soothingly as he resisted the urge to reach over and pat her hand reassuringly. He knew she didn’t like contact like that, but he felt awkward just sitting there and not showing her that he was there for her, “You don’t have to make decisions right this moment. Just...mull it over. I can tell you that I totally didn’t get any creepy vibes off him or anything. He seemed pretty relaxed.”
After he finished speaking he moved his hands back to his legs and finished fastening everything together before turning back to her, “So, are you ready to go inside or do you want to stay out here a while longer? I’m able to walk again, although you may have to help me get up.” There was a playful grin on his face at the idea of Annie trying to help him get back onto his feet.
“Yeah, I can do that.”
And she would. It was just a matter of making sure it was safe. Because wanting help was part of the process, but she needed to feel safe and that was the tricky part. It was easier to admit to herself that she would benefit from talking to someone than it was to realise that it was safe.
“We can head back in.” Because well, she’d been completely submerged in the ocean for awhile and was now sitting out at night, so she was cold. Usually she’d swim, then go back inside. Sitting outside in the dark wasn’t the usual routine.
“I can try?” Annie had no idea if she’d actually be able to help Peeta up, but she’d at least try. Least she could do since it was her fault he’d taken his leg off in the first place. Detangling herself from her current position, Annie stood up and offered her hands to Peeta so as to help him up.
“Alright, let’s give this a try,” Peeta commented with a bit of a laugh. They had such a serious discussion about their Dreaming issues, that he was more than happy to be a bit of comic relief. Trying to get up in the sand was going to be hysterical and he wouldn’t mind falling on his ass around Annie. He dusted his hands off on the hem of his shirt before he reached out to take her hands and started to try and get himself up into a standing position, “Feel free to laugh at me or just make me fall back down if you can’t hold on any longer.”
At least Peeta seemed to think it would be amusing. It was less pressure, at any rate. Because as much as she’d rather not drop him, there was a good chance she would. She could swim in the ocean just fine, keep her head above water, but who knew about pulling someone up while in the sand?
“Got it.”
Okay. She could do this. Really. Only to lose her footing in the sand and drop him back.
“Sorry!” Right. Trying this again. More grounded, she could do this.
And onto the ground he went. That earned a much louder laugh from him as he laid on the sand and looked up at poor Annie above him. Yeah, this was going to take a couple of tries more than likely. “Don’t worry, I’m heartier than I look. Alright, let’s try this one more time.”
He wiggled around slightly to try and get better footing in the sand as he reached back up to her and attempted to get better footing before taking her hands in his, “Alright, on three. One, two, three!”
Better footing seemed to work. Even if she did stumble some. Whatever, Annie was more grounded in the water, which admittedly made no sense. But she could have dreamed about being an actual mermaid and it would have made sense. At least this time it worked, that was the important thing.
With Peeta up, Annie gripped her hair to squeeze out the salt water once they started to head back towards the apartment building.
“Did you want tea or something?” Because given they both had been out because of the dreams, she doubted Peeta much wanted to go back to sleep either. And Annie certainly didn’t. She still felt that hollow feeling inside of her, the pain of Mags’ death and worry for Finnick. She didn’t want to be immersed in that again.
It was nice to be fully back on both of his feet and he was thankful that he didn’t knock Annie over in the process. He chuckled slightly at her question because it wasn’t something he had been expecting, “Sure. Let’s have a nice cup and just relax. And it’d probably warm us up a little bit. That water was freaking cold, I have no idea how you manage to swim in it.”
He would much prefer going out in the daylight when the sun seemed to warm the water. He wanted to throw an arm around Annie, but just allowed himself to move closer to her, “Thank you for your help getting up. I appreciate it.”
That was Annie, always with the unexpected. Supposedly. He wasn’t wrong about the warming up bit though. Between wanting to stay up and it just seeming like it would be polite to offer, there was definitely the other part of it. She was cold.
“I like that plan. And it was…. I was more focused on swimming.” On avoiding, that the cold hadn’t seemed to be such a big deal. If anything, it was something that kept her mind focused on the cold and swimming and not what she’d been avoiding.
“Of course.”
The walk back wasn’t too long and once they were back at her apartment, Annie let Peeta in and went to put on the water before heading to her room to change into something warmer.