Zevran Arainai had sex with your mom. (easy_lover) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2015-03-02 21:17:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, alistair theirin, zevran arainai |
Who: Zevran and Alistair.
What: Reconciliations.
When: A couple of days or so after Zev sent apology chocolates.
Where: Zev's place.
Warnings: PG-13 for swears and feels.
Status: Complete!
It had been a couple of days now since Alistair had received the chocolates. The chocolates from Zevran. Zevran who said that he was back. He was still a little in shock from the unexpected package and still wasn’t entirely sure how he felt, but he knew that he needed to see the other man. He would have contacted him sooner, but he’d been doing what he could to help Lara and Sam with the baby over the last couple of days that he hadn’t gotten a chance. Figuring that this conversation was best done in person, Alistair had noticed the return address on the package had been the house Zevran had lived in before he’d left; the house he had also lived in briefly, before Zevran left and decided to go see him there.
Of course it wasn’t until he got there that he realized that he had no idea if Zevran was even home, but there was really only one way to find out. So reaching the door, he took a deep breath and rang the bell.
Zevran was sitting in his living room, reading a book in his boxers. Hey, it was his house, he could do what he wanted. But the doorbell rang, distracting him, so he put his book down and padded to answer the door.
He wasn’t expecting to see Alistair, but it didn’t surprise him; he’d put his return address on the chocolates for a reason, had them delivered by courier as opposed to UPS for the same purpose. But it was still unexpected, and he couldn’t help but smile.
Sure, Alistair had seen a few pictures of Zevran since he’d left and he’d had a few recurring Fereldan dreams that featured the elf, but seeing him in person was different and for a moment Alistair didn’t know what to say. It had been almost a year since Zevran had left, but it was as if he’d only seen him yesterday. Yes, Alistair was still a little upset that he’d left the way he had, but he’d also missed him.
Finally, when the silence had stretched on long enough, Alistair cleared his throat, “Hey….” What else did one say in a situation like this? In the movies he might have thrown himself at Zevran or even slapped him, but neither of those were Alistair and so he simply stood there.
The elf shifted on his feet, sighing a little. Uncomfortable silences were so ... uncomfortable. “I wanted to say that I am sorry. I did not want to leave you, truly, but Japan was ... I did not think you would enjoy yourself. It was hardly enjoyable for myself, and I am a bit more open than you were at the time. But I ramble. Do you wish to come in?”
Just after Zevran had left, Alistair had googled him a few times to see what he was doing. He had mentioned Japan, but also Spain, so he’d been curious. He hadn’t looked him up much after that, having tried to get over him, but the dreams had basically made that impossible. Not that Zevran needed to know that just yet. When he was asked if he wanted to come in, Alistair nodded, “Yeah. That’d be nice. Thanks.”
Zev nodded, moving a bit so Alistair could come inside. “If you like, I have drinks? Tea, or things that are a bit stronger.” Ugh, this was awkward. Zev didn’t like awkward, bleedover from the dreams. It made him want to run or hide under a table, neither of which he did. He was proud of himself, and fought through the awkward. Alistair mattered, so he’d try his best.
Alistair didn’t want this to be awkward, but he didn’t think there was any way around that. At least not after not seeing each other for almost a year. “Water would be fine.” He wasn’t sure how long he was going to be there so water seemed like the most logical option, “Um, thanks for the chocolates, by the way. Sorry I didn’t get back to you sooner, but it’s been a little crazy at the house over the last couple of days.” How Zevran had known exactly where Alistair was living now, he had no idea.
Zev nodded and went to get some water for them both. “I may have asked around for where you live, I am sorry if that is too creepy. But ... you mattered then and now, and I wanted to apologize.”
That didn’t surprise Alistair in the least. After all, he had been a spy in the dreams, so of course he’d ask around to find out where Alistair was now, “No, I should have figured you’d do that.” If this had been when they’d first met then yeah, Alistair might have thought that it was a little creepy cause he’d thought that Zevran was pretty crazy then since he’d yet to have any dreams and Zevran didn’t hide the fact that he knew him somehow. “You are a Crow after all.”
“I did not want to ... I thought it would be better. If I left. You would not have enjoyed what I was doing for business, and I just - I want you to be happy.” Zev sighed, running his fingers through his hair. “Life is so much more complicated when I am in love, no?”
Alistair was quiet for a moment before responding, “Zev, when we started dating, I knew what came along with it. You had said you were going to retire. You said you wanted to retire.” Alistair sighed, watching Zevran, “I was happy. Being with you made me happy.”
“I did retire from acting, but I did not know that the merchandise side of things would come with so many strings.” Zev drank his water, looking for something to do with his hands. If they were in Ferelden, he would’ve pet the Mabari, or twirled his knives. Why was this so awkward? “You make me happy too. If I retire... again ... I will have to find something to do. Not working does not suit me.” But of course, all of that could be irrelevant depending on Alistair. The prince could walk out the door and never talk to Zevran again.
“I don’t expect you to stop entirely, Zevran. The acting, yes, but I don’t see why you can’t still write and direct and do everything else you’ve been doing.” Alistair hadn’t expected to come over here and discuss them so early, but he supposed it had to be done since there had been so many loose ends when Zevran had left, “And even if you did choose to leave that business entirely, you’re extremely talented. I’m sure you would find something else.” He was sure that there were people who would think that he shouldn’t even be giving Zevran the time of day, but Alistair still had feelings for the other man.
Zev moved closer to Alistair, and took his hand. “I just hope you can forgive me. You may be angry with me - I cannot stop you, nor would I blame you. But someday.” He expected Alistair to hate him, like Rinna probably did in the afterlife. Really, Zev was just glad this wasn’t as bad as that had been. Nobody was dead.
Alistair sighed as Zevran moved closer and he shook his head, “I don’t hate you, Zevran. I’m sure there are people who think I should, but I don’t. Yeah, I was hurt and yeah, I tried to get over you, but I didn’t hate you. And I still don’t.”
“Oh.” Zev wanted to tiptoe up and kiss Alistair, leave him spluttering and indignant (as he usually was), but Zevran didn’t want to intrude if Alistair had someone else. “Is there ... did you find someone? I did not want to leave you lonely.”
Alistair was quiet for a moment before shaking his head, “No, I didn’t find someone else.” He gazed down at Zevran. He had the same urge too, but he refrained, not sure exactly what he should do. He obviously still had feelings for Zevran and Zevran for him, but was getting back together the right thing to do?
“I am sorry. I should have talked to you before I made a decision that affected both of us, and it was wrong.” Zev moved back toward his water, knowing that Alistair should be the one to make the choice to touch, that Zevran didn’t really deserve him.
Alistair had thought that his love life had been complicated back when his father was the one setting him up, but his relationship with Zevran was even more complicated. “I understand that you went for work, Zevran, but you’re right, you should have talked to me, because we could have avoided this whole thing.”
“I was always scared I would lose you, so I think I just - made it happen? So I would not be afraid anymore.” Zev sighed and drummed his fingers along the counter. “I have never been with someone I cared about so much, except in the dreams.”
“Well that was pretty stupid,” Alistair watched the elf, his arms now crossed over his chest, “And did being without me make you happy or feel good?” Alistair wasn’t always great with words, but when there was something he was passionate about, he always seemed to find them.
“No. I hated every moment of it.” It was good for Alistair to be upset,, so Zevran made sure to be honest and forthright, just like the other man was doing. “I missed you terribly.”
“But you stayed away for almost a year.” Alistair knew that Zevran wasn’t always honest, especially in serious situations, so to see him being so open and honest, he knew that he was telling the truth, “Why did you come back now? Why didn’t you come back six months ago? You told me that you had to go to Spain for family stuff then I found out you were in Japan instead. Did you ever actually go to Spain?”
“No, I can never go back to Spain,” Zev spat. “My father would have me deported as an enemy of the country. I did not want you to think poorly of me, that I had to go peddle myself and promote things in Japan. I do not have a home in Spain, this is all I have, and I wish I had never done anything I did a year ago!” Zev wanted to storm out of the room, but instead just gripped the counter, forearms shaking.
Alistair sighed, bringing one hand up to run through his hair as he tried to think about his next move. He could see that he had upset Zevran, but the other man must have known that Alistair would bring that up eventually. “I wouldn’t have thought poorly of you. I knew before we met that you promoted….that stuff. You didn’t need to hide it.” As he spoke, he took a few steps closer to Zevran, cautiously placing a hand on his shoulder once he’d come up behind him. He knew what Zevran was capable of from the dreams and he was prepared to back off if his instincts from the dreams suddenly reared up.
“But you deserve better.” Zevran’s voice was quiet, defeated. “You always have. I knew this then, and I know it now.”
“Shouldn’t I be the one to decide that?” There was a lot that they were going to have to work on; communication being number one on the list, “That is the whole reason I came out here to begin with. Everyone else thought they knew what I should do and what I deserved and I knew better.”
“Yes, but I am not ...” Zev sighed, holding his hands to his forehead. “I am just not very good for anyone, I expect. I am sorry. You are right, you should decide the things that make you happy, not me. I am no better than your father when I choose for you.” He was making himself breathe more slowly, to try to stop from judging himself so harshly. It was working only a little in that he wasn’t shaking anymore.
“You’re too hard on yourself sometimes, Zev.” Alistair watched him, wishing he wouldn’t judge himself so harshly, “If I thought you weren’t worth it, I wouldn’t be here right now. I would have just ignored the fact that you’re back, but I’m right here. Yeah, I was upset with you for leaving, but we all make mistakes. We’re all scared of something.”
“I am scared of disappointing you and losing you because of ... not being enough.” There it was, the ugly truth for Alistair to see. At this point, Zevran had nothing left to lose, so why not be completely honest? “I am sorry. I - self loathing runs deep within my family, I suspect.” And the dreams didn’t help, really.
“So you’d rather push me away to lose me?” Alistair asked, quirking a brow at Zevran, “And like I said, I wouldn’t be here right now if I thought you were weren’t good enough.” He knew that there was only one way for a person to get over what they were afraid of and that was what Zevran needed to do, “The real question is, am I worth you facing that fear?”
“Of course you are,” Zevran answered. His reply came without any hesitation, and he moved to wrap his arms around Alistair. “I hate myself for letting you slip away, and I refuse to allow myself to do it again. If you’ll allow myself to be had, of course.”
As Zevran wrapped his arms around him, Alistair did the same, “Good. Because I won’t let you do it again.” He wasn’t about to let the elf get away again. They had a lot to work on, but Alistair was pretty confident than they could do it.
Zev looked up and smiled. “You are indeed the smarter of the two of us. Must we continue speaking of feelings? It is difficult for me, and quite painful. I have this cramp in my lip, would you kiss it?” It was hard to not be playful for Zev for long periods of time.
Alistair couldn’t help but laugh and shook his head, “And you’re impossible. You know that?” Smiling, Alistair dipped his head down to kiss Zevran. It had been so long since the last time they’d done this, but it felt like only yesterday.
Standing on his tiptoes, Zev kissed back. It was a gentle kiss, sweeter than he usually kissed, but he wanted Alistair to know that he loved him. That had never changed.
As the kiss came to an end, Alistair smiled down at Zevran, “I’m glad you’re back, but I’ve actually got to go. Sam and Lara just had a baby so I’ve been helping out.” He didn’t want to leave after all that, but needed to get back to the house.
Zev’s eyes went wide. “Do you want me to come with you to help? If they would not mind, I have helped many women with babies.” A couple of his co-stars had retired to have children, and Zev stayed close with many of them.
The more Alistair thought about it, the more he thought that that was a good idea, "Yeah. Yeah, why don't you. You can see where I live now." He glanced around the room briefly then back to Zevran, a smirk upon his lips, "And no offense, but it makes your place look like a shack." Sam and Lara's house was so big that even after almost a year, there were still rooms and parts of the house that he had never been in.
“I still like my house. I do not want too much, as it is me by myself.” He wrapped an arm loosely around Alistair’s waist. “For the record? I am not ... sleeping with anyone else. Just so you know.”
“I’m teasing you.” Alistair smirked as he led the way towards the foyer, “And that’s good to know, but you probably should have started with that.” He couldn’t help but tease Zevran, considering how often the elf had teased him in the dreams for various reasons.
“Hello, it is good to see you, I have not put my penis anywhere else since I left? I do not think you would have responded very well,” Zev retorted. He walked with the other man, just happy their steps were in sync once again. Yeah, he’d fucked up, but Zev was actually eager to prove himself, to be more than the man he was in his dreams.