Azula burns bright (![[info]](https://www.insanejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} bornoffire) wrote in ![[info]](https://www.insanejournal.com/img/community.gif){kind=small} valarlogs,@ 2012-07-13 16:32:00 |
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Who: Azula, Mai, Ty Lee and Zuko
What: A shared dream of a time when the four of them shared and learned a lot about each other.
When: A recent night, in that hour or so when all four of them manage to coincidentally sleep.
Where: Ember Island, in the Fire Nation
Ratings/Warnings: PG-13 for emotions.. So many feels and all the things unsaid that we can put words to! (no really, this log is beautiful)
Status: Complete
It's night. It's been a busy day for the four of them, what with the beach, arcade, and the party, though none of them will remember just what those had entailed upon waking. They’re still wearing the same things they’d worn to the party earlier. Red with cold trim, a silk like fabric that reveals a lot of flesh.
Azula reluctantly leaves Mai and Ty Lee to retrieve Zuko, walking up the steps to the old family home, “I thought I'd find you here.” Not that she really cared. It was more for Mai. Mostly. She prefered to bury any familial bonds before they became strong enough to cause her problems.
Zuko was sitting on the steps, holding a hand print from when they were kids. He feels reflective, not even caring that his sister is there, "Those summers we spent here seem to long ago. So much has changed."
"Come down to the beach with me." Azula turned to go, knowing he'd follow her. She wanted to get away from this building. She hated it, "Come on, this place is depressing me."
As expected, Zuko followed her back down to the beach. Mai and Ty Lee were sitting near the water.
As he came into view, Mai glowered at him, then looked away. It looked for all the world like her face was going to stay frozen that way, but something in her gentled a bit, and her expression relaxed some. She looked back in his direction and said, “Hey.”
Glaring a bit, Zuko asked, “Where’s your new boyfriend?”
The words were like knives, and she looked away again, back to the grumpy girl she’d been when he arrived.
Feeling a little guilty, Zuko came over, and sat next to her, “Are you cold?” He tried to ignore his sister and Ty Lee all but staring at them, and put an arm around Mai.
Still turned away from him, Mai smacked Zuko’s hand away silently.
“IM FREEZING!” shouted Ty Lee from her position a bit further away. It was a desperate plea for Zuko’s attention, though she was somewhat unaware of her motivations for even wanting it.
The Fire Prince smiled at her, seemingly unobservant, “I'll make a fire, there's plenty of stuff to burn in there” He nodded his head back towards their summer home.
At the mention of making a fire, Ty Lee looked somewhat disappointed.
Azula actually felt momentarily relieved, though she didn’t quite understand why.
Zuko does most of the work, getting stuff from the house to burn in the fire. He throws a family portrait in last.
The painting started to burn, and Ty Lee looked down at the fire with a shocked expression, “What are you doing?
Standing, arms folded, Zuko muttered, “What does it look like I'm doing?”
“But it's a painting of your family,” she replied, sounding confused. She couldn’t believe that Zuko would want to burn such a priceless family memento.
“Do you think I care?”
In a tiny voice she replied, “I think you do.”
Frustration lent an edge to his voice, “You don't know me, so why don't you just mind your own business?”
Ty Lee clucked her tongue in response, and her eyes saddened considerably. She had a tone to her voice that implied some manner of familiarity with Zuko, “I know you.”
“No you don't!” Zuko snapped at her, “You're stuck in your little Ty Lee World where everything's great all the time.”
“Zuko! Leave her alone,” Mai’s voice rose up to defend her friend from the other side of the campfire, and she glared at him.
Zuko walked a bit away from the fire, mocking Ty Lee with his done and actions, “I'm so pretty, look at me, I can walk on my hands, whoo!” He stood on his hands, giving them all a dry, emotionless expression.
Ty Lee was absolutely devastated. The fake smile and the generally happy view she had of the world had completely faded away in the face of his insults.
Flopping down onto his back, he added, “Circus Freak.”
Her eyes started to tear up a bit as he flopped to the ground.
Azula laughed, covering her mouth.
The tears were still threatening to pour out of Ty Lee’s eyes, but the expression on her face had changed from one of devastation, to one of anger, perhaps because Azula had laughed too, “Yes, I'm a circus freak. Go ahead and laugh all you want!”
The Fire Princess glanced at Ty Lee. The expression on her face is hard to read, like she almost felt bad about laughing. She did feel somewhat guilty, but mostly because she'd thought the same herself. When Ty Lee glanced her way, she looked to the side, resting her face on a hand. She closed her eyes, pretending the look didn't bother her. She's good at pretending.
“You wanna know why I joined the circus?!” Ty Lee asked, glancing first at Azula and then back at Zuko. The anger in her voice was still present as she began her story.
Opening an eye, Azula looked at Ty Lee with it. She could feel the impending rant. Ty Lee didn't rant often, but when she did there was no stopping her. Azula could only mask her discomfort with a sardonic, "Here we go."
“Do you have any idea what my home life was like?” she grew even more agitated as she explained, “Growing up with six sisters who look exactly like me?!”
She stood up and flailed her arms to the side for emphasis, “It was like I didn't even have my own name!”
Unable to quite look at Ty Lee, Azula sat on a rock, folding her arms.
The emotions grew to be too much for Ty Lee and she dropped to her hands and knees, tears flowing freely down her cheeks, “I joined the circus because I was scared of spending the rest of my life as part of a matched set. At least I'm different now!” She lifted up her face to look at Zuko, eyes still burning with anger and a bit of determination in the face of everything she’d just confessed, “Circus freak is a compliment!”
From the side of Ty Lee, Mai had her eyes closed. Unlike Azula who had laughed, or Zuko who’d started this whole mess by being a loudly arrogant asshole, she’d merely been listening to everything while trying to remain emotionless about it. Still, she had an observation when it was over, which she made while eyeing Ty Lee, in her most neutral and even tone of voice, “Guess that explains why you need 10 boyfriends, too.”
Ty Lee straightened up and put her hands on her hips, tilting her head to the side and obviously annoyed by the accusation, “I'm sorry, what?”
“Attention issues?” Mai arched a brow just slightly, though her tone never changed as she continued, “You couldn't get enough attention when you were a kid so you're trying to make up for it now.”
There was a look on her face as she finished, almost like she slightly understood the situation, but wasn’t about to admit that.
Ty Lee grinned and wasted absolutely no time in calling her out on it, “Well, what's YOUR excuse Mai?”
“You were an only child for 15 years but even with all that attention your aura,” she raised her voice to shout at Mai as she continued, “Is this dingy, pasty, gray..!”
“I don't believe in auras,” Mai interrupted casually, though she looked away from Ty Lee and off at the ocean. It was almost as if her feelings had been hurt somehow.
Getting up out of the sand, Zuko added, “Yeah, you don't believe in anything.”
Mai glanced at him, then looked away and closed her eyes. His accusation had definitely hurt, and it was almost painful to look at him, “Oh, well, I'm sorry, I can't be as high strung and crazy as the rest of you.”
“I'm sorry too. I wish you WOULD be high-strung and crazy for once.” Zuko approached her slowly, “Instead of keeping all your feelings bottled up inside. She just called your aura dingy, are you gonna TAKE that?!”
As he spoke, Mai’s expression became more obviously upset, closed eyes pressed together in a way that almost looked like she might shed a tear. Instead of letting that happen, though, she opened her eyes slightly and leaned back on the rock she’d been sitting on.
When she answered him, her tone was the usual even tone, not betraying for one moment the emotions that were roiling under the surface, “What do you want from me? You want a teary confession about how hard my childhood was? Well it wasn't. I was a rich only child who got anything I wanted.”
She paused for a second and chewed her lip, staring longingly up at the night sky and passing clouds as if she wanted to have some of the freedom they did to march across the sky however they chose, “As long as I behaved. And sat still, and didn't speak unless spoken to. My mother said I had to keep out of trouble.”
Zuko’s frowny face was the king of all frowny faces.
“We had my dad's political career to think about.”
Still on her rock, Azula looked smug, "Well that's it, then. You had a controlling mother who had certain expectations and if you strayed from them you were shut down."
She shifted positions, her face losing the smug smile. Azula was many things, not the least of which was a cold hearted bitch, but sometimes, very rarely, she could show concern, "That's why you're afraid to care about anything and why you can't express yourself."
Mai interrupted her, “You want me to express myself?”
She sat up, looking and sounding every bit as angry at that moment as she had been completely apathetic, earlier. It was like night and day, “You want me to express myself?!” She got up off the rock then, and shouted, “LEAVE ME ALONE!”
Azula leaned back, bringing her leg up onto the rock, half hoping Ty Lee would look her way. Who else was there to pose for? Certainly not Zuko, who was smiling at Mai.
He walked over and tried to touch her shoulder.
Mai looked at him angrily, “Don't touch me!” she swatted his hand away and scowled, “I'm still mad at you!”
She sat back down on the rock, still angry with him, and looked away.
“My life hasn't been that easy either, Mai.”
She glared at him angrily, “Whatever- that doesn't excuse the way you've been acting!”
“Calm down you guys,” Ty Lee tried to interrupt, back to her usual cheerful self, “This much negative energy is bad for your skin.”
When Ty Lee spoke up, Azula glanced over at her. A fondness crept over her face. Her expression was..unguarded. With everyone focused on, well, anyone who wasn't Azula, she could admire the one person she could never really have. One moment. Just one.
“You'll totally break out,” the cheerful girl added. Zits were serious business.
Azula turned her face away, though not before a snerk nearly escaped her lips. She never wanted Ty Lee to change.
“Bad skin? Normal teenagers worry about bad skin, I don't have that luxury.” Zuko leaned in, almost yelling and pointing at the scar on his face, “My father decided to teach me a permanent lesson on my FACE.”
Ty Lee winced a bit and looked down at the ground, “Sorry Zuko, I...”
“For so long I thought that if my dad accepted me I'd be happy. I'm back home now, my dad talks to me. Hah. He even thinks I'm a HERO. Everything should be perfect right?”
Perfect right. Maybe not for Zuko, but for Azula. A smirk creased her lips.
“I should be happy now, but I'm not. I'm angrier than ever and I don't know why!”
“There's a simple question you need to answer then.” Azula’s voice was on an even keel. She wasn’t even trying to manipulate or taunt. She’d already taken care of what she needed to. Now she wanted to see if Zuko would stop lying to himself, “Who are you angry at?”
“No one. I'm just angry.” With those words, Zuko sounded so lost.
“...yeah.” Mai looked a little concerned, “Who are you angry at, Zuko?”
“Everyone. I don't know.” He grabbed at his hair.
“Is it dad?” Azula tilted her head, watching her brother.
“No. No.”
“Your uncle?” Ty Lee asked.
“...Me?” It was a natural question for Azula to ask her brother. It was also a selfish one, as well.
“No no! No!”
“Then who, who are you angry at?” Mai arched her brow a bit at him.
Azula’s voice cut in right after Mai’s, “Answer the question, Zuko.”
“Talk to us!” Ty Lee cut in, her voice worried.
Zuko was quickly losing it, their voices all running together.
Mai refused to let up, “Come on, answer the question.”
It was hurting, a pressure from without and within and Zuko couldn’t take it anymore.
“Come on, answer it!” Azula’s voice was sharp.
Zuko snapped, causing the campfire to flare up at least twenty feet, rising with his voice, “ I'M ANGRY AT MYSELF!”
Azula leaned back, shielding her face with her arm.
The fire died down as Zuko turned to face the ocean.
Lowering her arm, Azula asked quietly, “Why?”
“Because I'm confused. Because I'm not sure I know the difference between right and wrong any more.”
“You're pathetic.” Azula snorted. She’d been hoping for a different answer, even if she couldn’t quite put words to what that answer had been. The derisive remark as as much to shield herself as put down her brother.
Mai got up from her rock and walked over to Zuko, resting her hand against his back tenderly. The confession had completely melted her, but not only that - the admission filled her with a small amount of pride in him. Her voice was gentle and unguarded, and there was a smile on her face, “I know one thing I care about. I care about you.”
Zuko relaxed a smidge and smiled back, and when Mai kissed him he forgot where they were or who they were with. Mai had never actually said anything like that to him before. Not in real words, nor had her kisses been quite so intense.
Azula interrupted with clapping. To be a bitch, and because she felt this twisting around in her chest as she realized that while her manipulations had worked, that still meant she was the alone one. Even Ty Lee had her boys. Innertwitch, “Well, those were wonderful performances everyone.”
“I guess you wouldn't understand, would you Azula.” Zuko had his arm around Mai. He could feel her hand on his chest preventing him from stepping closer, and probably preventing any physical confrontation. He sneered, “Because you're just SO perfect.”
Azula gave them a bright face, with a wide smile. It was forced, but she would take any chance to avoid talking about herself, "Well yes, I guess you're right. I don't have sob stories like all of you."
All it took was one thought, and the words started coming out before she could really stop them. Her expression darkened, looking almost haunted, "I can sit here and complain about how our mom liked Zuko more than me, but I don't really care."
Her expression said otherwise as she stared into the embers of the dying fire, "My own mother thought I was a monster."
Ty Lee gazed at Azula, traumatized at the admission.
Flippantly, Azula finished, "She was right of course, but it still hurt."
From her position perched on the sand, Ty Lee looked around and observed, cheerfully, “What Lo and Li said came true, the beach did help us learn about ourselves,” she picked up a nearby rock that had been smoothed by the ocean tide and rubbed her cheek against it, “ I feel all smoothed. I'll always remember this.”
Azula probably would remember this as well, especially in the coming years when the only sunlight would filter through steel bars, and she would cling to today's memories as a balm against the cold. She got a devious look on her face, "You know what would make this trip really memorable?"
Whatever it was, would have to come in another dream.