Justin Taylor (jstn_sunshine) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2015-02-17 19:43:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, billy kaplan (wiccan), justin taylor |
Who: Justin Taylor and Billy Kaplan
When: Backdated: Sunday, February 8th. Early Evening
Where: Their apartment
What: Billy comes back from a week in New York and suggests a break
Rating/Warnings: Angst. Much angst
Status: Complete
Justin had spent the week trying to go about his life as usual except for the part where he woke up each morning and went to bed each night without Billy there next to him. He had gotten used to sleeping next to Billy every night, since his boyfriend had moved in during the summer that he’d had a hard time sleeping most nights, waking up in the middle of the night, expecting to find him beside him only to remember that he was in New York at his parents’ house. To say that Justin missed Billy was an understatement and more than once he’d gone to text him only to remember that Billy had said his phone would be off while he was away so that he could think. Justin hated that it had come to this, because it worried him what the outcome would be. He hated knowing that his feelings for Billy had nothing to do with any outside influences, but the dreams had caused Billy to have feelings for Teddy. He loved Billy more than he’d ever loved any other guy and hated the thought of losing Billy.
The night Billy was due back, Justin had decided to surprise him and have dinner ready for him when he got home. Regardless of what happened, he wanted to remind Billy of how much he loved him so he had dinner cooking, trying to time it with Billy’s arrival. About the time that he was due back, Justin was finishing everything up, plates and candles on the table.
Billy had missed Justin, he couldn’t deny that. He missed being beside him and just around him but it had been good to get away for a while to clear his head. It wasn’t fair on anybody to carry on the way he was. No matter how hard it would be it was better than the alternative. He just had to remember that.
Entering the house he called out, his tone tired, “Justin? Are you home?”
Hearing Billy’s voice, Justin glanced at the clock as he finished up dinner. They couldn’t have planned that any better if they’d tried. “Yeah, I’m in the kitchen. Just finishing up dinner.” He wanted to go right to him and greet him with a kiss, but at the same time, he wanted Billy to come into the kitchen and see what he had done. What he had done for him so he used all his willpower to stay in the kitchen and wait, not that the front door was a very long walk to the kitchen after all, but after not seeing or talking to Billy for a week, it felt like an eternity.
Taking a deep breath Billy walked into the kitchen, this was probably going to be the hardest thing he’d ever done but he just had to keep calm and reassure Justin. Entering the kitchen he was kind of blown away by how much effort he’d gone to and he felt guilt start to gnaw away at him. “Wow, this is not what I was expecting” he said with a small smile, “It’s amazing. You’re amazing”
“I just figured you’d be hungry when you got home and I wanted to do something nice.” Justin said as he moved across the kitchen to Billy and leaned in to kiss him. It was the first time since they’d met, about a year and a half ago that they’d gone more than a day or without seeing each other or talking. “How was New York?” He asked, taking a bit of a step back after.
“Thank you” Billy said kissing him back and couldn’t help wondering if it would be the last time. “It was nice to see my parents and being able to have time to myself to think was good. Or productive at least” he said, though it had a sad tinge to it. He couldn’t say it was good because it wasn’t, it was sad and necessary.
Justin nodded, not wanting to ask just yet about the reason that Billy had gone to New York. “Well, sit down and eat before it gets cold.” Justin had to have hope that whatever Billy had decided wouldn’t be bad news or at least wouldn’t be really bad. After all, they loved each other and Justin’s real life couldn’t be as sucky as his dream life was sometimes, right? “How was your flight?” He asked as he sat down in one of the chairs at the kitchen table
Billy nodded, he’d told Justin that he’d just needed to get away to think and process the dreams away from everything. But that was all. He sat down and shrugged, “It was alright. Teleporting would have been quicker though” he said with a small smile, he hadn’t used his teleporting power much but he figured next time he would. It was far more convenient.
“I bet that would have been a lot quicker. But how would you have explained that to your parents?” He asked, watching Billy from his spot at the table, “You know, you’ve yet to really show me how this teleporting thing works. I figured you would have whisked me away to Italy for a weekend or something by now.” Justin smirked at him.
“Yeah, I need to be careful where and when I use it” he said before shrugging, “I just think of a place I want to be and I can get there. I’ve never tried it with someone else yet and I don’t know exactly how far I can go. I’d hate to risk anything awful happening”
Justin, nodded, "Makes sense. Too bad it's not like your friend who can open portals." He had seen Billy's warlock friend Magnus post numerous times on the net about being able to travel through portals. "Either way, being able to teleport is convenient."
“That would definitely be a lot more handy. At least I’d know a portal was safe” relatively anyway, Billy said, “But yeah teleportation isn’t too bad. Handy if I’m ever late for anything. So, what have you been up to this week?”
"Not much. It was pretty uneventful," Justin said glancing across the table at Billy. "Went to work, came home, did some sketching," Since he's been drawing while making dinner his sketch pad was open on the table and the page was various sketches of Billy. Once Justin knew his subject well enough, he could draw them from memory. "Mostly missed you. I had to keep reminding myself that you were in New York and you weren't just late or something." Justin had gotten so used to Billy being there that the apartment had felt wrong without him there.
Billy gave him a small smile and found his heart gave a little pang when he saw the sketches of himself on the table. “I missed you too” Billy said, “It was strange being without you there to talk to” But it had been necessary.
Justin returned the smile, “I know. I kept going to text you so many times too. It was awful.” He had written numerous texts over the course of the week only to delete them cause he knew that Billy wouldn’t get them until he turned his phone on and he didn’t want to seem like he was bombarding him or anything.
“I’m sorry, I just...my head needed clearing” Billy said, “I know it was hard. But I couldn’t keep going the way I was. It felt wrong” he said quietly, looking at Justin sadly. “I felt guilty, feeling things from the dreams while I was with you. It wasn’t fair, to either of us”
Justin nodded, “I know. I totally understand that. I’m just glad you’re back.” He reached across the table and placed his hand over Billy’s, squeezing it lightly. There was so much that he wanted to talk to Billy about, but he didn’t want to bombard him with a lot right away and overwhelm him when he’d just gotten home and hadn’t really had any time to relax aside from sitting down to dinner.
“I am too but I...the feelings from the dreams aren’t going away. I was hoping they might with being away and everything. I thought it would help me be clearer about everything but that didn’t happen” he admitted, heart heavy as he knew what was coming.
Justin’s chest constricted slightly, but he squeezed Billy’s hand, “Maybe you just need more time. You went away by yourself, maybe we should go somewhere together. Get away from everything; just the two of us this time. I mean, you know they’re just dreams.” Valentine’s Day was coming up and he’d had the idea for them to go away for the weekend and he had planned on bringing it up after the art show, but Billy had told him, first, that he was gonna go the New York for the week before he’d gotten the chance, “I mean, when I started dreaming, I had feelings for Brian, but they went away eventually and then I met you and I couldn’t even imagine still having feelings for him. And I’m sure those feelings you're having cause of the dreamt aren’t gonna last forever either. The dreams are just messing with your head like they do to everyone.”
“I wish I could believe that was it” Billy said, “And I do love you Justin but I’m not sure that’s enough. The feelings I have in the dreams are so intense, like nothing I’ve ever experienced and it doesn’t go away when I wake up not completely. It’s not fair to you that I feel even a little here what I do there. I think...it might be better if we weren’t together for a while. I think I need to be alone, just get on with things and see if my feelings and dreams can sort themselves out” It hurt to say these things but Billy had come to the realization that it wasn’t fair to keep going this way.
This was what Justin had been afraid of ever since Teddy had shown up. “What happened to not being able to imagine anything changing between us? When we talked about Teddy and Brian a few months ago.” Justin knew that wasn’t entirely fair, but he was jealous and hurt and didn’t want to lose Billy. “So what’re you saying? That you want a break? We just press pause?” He hated the thought of not being with Billy. A week without him had been hard enough and his eyes welled up slightly as he thought of not having Billy in his life. “And what about Teddy? How’re you gonna see if your feelings go away if you’re with him everyday and not around me at all?”
“I know what we said and I’m sorry, I wish I had a crystal ball and could see into the future but I don’t and I can’t carry on like this. It feels like I’m cheating on you when I haven’t done anything” Billy said, and that was the problem. It wasn’t fair on anybody to feel like this and just try to carry on. “I can’t quit my job Justin, you know how hard I’ve worked for it. I’ll be working, I’m not going to socialise with him too. It’s my job to be on set when he’s filming. I’m sorry, I just, I need time”
Justin sighed and ran his hands through his hair, elbows on the table as he tried to process everything. "I know... I just..." Lifting his head, he gazed across the table at Billy before getting up and walking around to him, one hand cupping the side of Billy's face, "You talk about how intense your feelings are in the dreams, but that's how I feel about you. I've never loved anyone as much as I love you, Billy. I've never seen a future with someone before." He gazed down at Billy sadly, "You didn't answer my other question. Is this just a break?" He didn't know if he could handle it if Billy wanted to actually break up.
“I know” Billy raised his hand to rest over Justin’s, “And I do love you. More than anything I’ve ever felt here but I can’t see our future if this confusion stays with me forever” He needed Justin to understand at least a little that Billy did love him despite the fact that everything he was doing seemed otherwise. “I don’t know” he answered honestly, “But I hope so” Because he didn’t want to break Justin’s heart.
Justin did understand, but it still hurt. The thought of being without Billy for however long this lasted. “Where are you gonna go?” When Justin had asked Billy to move in with him, that was the last question he’d ever thought he’d be asking.
“I’m going to stay with Clary” he replied, “I’ll pack a bag of stuff and just teleport anything else I need once I get settled” It would be easier that way than to keep coming back when he remembered something else he needed.
Justin had seen Clary earlier in the week when he’d walked through the park. He was happy to hear that Billy would be staying with someone that they knew well. Thinking about Billy showing up to pack things while he wasn’t there reminded him of when he’d done the same at Brian’s loft in one of his last dreams. “Keep your key.” They were only on a break after all.
Billy nodded, “I will. I do love you, you know that right?” he said squeezing Justin’s hand, “And I am sorry about all of this” He said before pulling back.
Justin nodded, “I know. I love you too.” He stood there for half a second before leaning forward and kissing Billy, his hand cupping the brunette’s cheek again. He didn’t know how long this was going to last and when he’d get to kiss Billy again and he wasn’t going to let him leave without doing this. Billy’s dreams were confusing him, but he needed to show Billy what was real and put every feeling that he had for him into that kiss.
Billy returned the kiss for the exact same reason, he did truly love Justin he just needed to be sure he loved him enough to disregard the dreams. But only time would tell he supposed. And hopefully the result wouldn’t be heartache and pain for everybody. Though he knew there were no guarantees about anything.