Who: Aramis and Porthos. When: Thursday evening, after Thanksgiving dinner. Where: Their home. What: A tense conversation. Rating/Warnings: Low. Status: Complete.
Dinner had been pretty nice, really. The food was delicious, but Aramis had seemed... oddly out of sorts. Quiet and distant where he's usually chatty. So once things are cleaned up and put away, and they're settled on the couch together, Porthos presses a kiss to Aramis's cheek. "You okay, babe?"
Dinner was nice. Aramis felt bad, a little bit, for not being more involved with Athos and d'Artagnan and their lives. He fussed over d'Artagnan a bit and he'd made sure both of them went home with plenty of leftovers. But he hadn't been all there, and he knew that, and he's not at all surprised that Porthos has noticed.
He sighs, leaning into Porthos a little. "Yes, I'm fine."
"Yeah?" He combs his fingers through Aramis's hair, his expression gently concerned. "You just seem a little out of it, that's all."
It's the expression that makes Aramis know there's no way to not tell Porthos. He has to tell Porthos anyway, at some point, doesn't he? He may as well just say it now. Before Aramis even opens his mouth, he feels his stomach drop. "I just - There's something you need to know."
Which doesn't help his concern in the least bit. He takes Aramis's hand and squeezes it tight, hoping it's nothing too serious. "What's wrong? Is everything okay?"
"Yes. No. I mean yes, more or less." Aramis takes in a deep breath. "Do you ... Remember D'Artagnan's and Athos's housewarming party? And that night Sharon got in a fight with her boyfriend and she wanted me to pick her up? And I stayed with her a bit afterwards."
"Yes you did," Porthos says slowly. Because he does remember that night, and how Aramis was late coming home. He didn't like to assume things, about Aramis staying out late with attractive women, but now the wheels are turning a little.
Aramis scratches his thumbnail over the middle of his forehead. "Look, I just - I don't know. I don't know, you know how I am, and I panicked. Being at that party. Everything was so perfect and Athos and d'Artagnan are so perfect for one another and I just. It was a lot for me. Being there."
That little touch to the forehead makes Aramis look so vulnerable, and makes Porthos want to haul him into his arms. But at the same time there's a growing feeling of uneasiness. Technically, they've never discussed being exclusive to each other. But there is the fact that Porthos hasn't been with anyone since he and Aramis started getting a little more serious. He tries to tell himself that Aramis just is the way he is, but there is a little spark of jealousy.
"So you did sleep with her," he says, as evenly as possible. "That's -- fine. I wish you'd told me sooner, but thank you for telling me now."
"Porthos." He reaches over to touch Porthos on the arm, then takes his hand back. It's not fine, Aramis can see that. Nothing about any of this is fine. "I did. Yes, and it was just ... She and I, it hasn't happened again. We've moved on. It was just a thing. But she's - I saw her this morning and she's -" Aramis runs his hand down his face. He decides he'll just say it, like ripping off a bandaid. "She's going to have a baby."
Porthos isn't stupid. It's an assumption a lot of people make because he's big, and he enjoys a bit of a brawl now and again, but he's not an idiot. Aramis is obviously trying to confess to knocking up Sharon, even if he hasn't outright said it yet. He could draw it out, play dumb, make this uncomfortable for Aramis, but he's also not a cruel person.
So instead, he takes a deep breath, clasping his hands together and not quite looking at Aramis. "Does she want you involved? Do you want to be involved? With the baby, I mean."
This is ... Good? Aramis isn't sure. Porthos won't look at him and Aramis feels terrible, not for himself but for Sharon and for Porthos and for this kid that's going to have to deal with him as a father. "Yes. I mean, I think she'd let me not be involved, if I wanted that, but I do. I'm not - I won't sit here and say a part of me isn't happy. But I'm scared, a bit."
The next question comes out slower, and more emotional than Porthos means it to. Not quite tearful, but less put together than he'd been aiming for. "Do you want to be with her?"
Now he does reach out, and he grips at Porthos's arm tighter than he means to. "Do you think I'm not serious when I tell you how happy I am with you? I don't tell you enough. I know I don't. I don't tell you a lot of things enough."
Porthos doesn't shrug him off, exactly, but he does move his arm so he can take Aramis's hand in his, turning to face him. "I'm happy with you, too. You know how much I love you. And I do believe you when you say you're happy with me. But if being with Sharon and having your baby together would make you happy too, then -- " He trails off, not sure how to end his sentence.
Aramis can feel the panic starting to rise again. "Don't leave me," he says in a rush, knowing he looks as desperate as he sounds. "I need you. All day I've been thinking that this is it and you're finally going to see that I just fuck everything up. But I need you."
"Oh Aramis -- " His voice cracks, but he's gentle as he cups Aramis's cheek, kissing his forehead. "I won't leave you, not if you don't want me to. I just need to know what you want, that's all." Porthos doesn't know if he could handle Aramis trying for a relationship with both he and Sharon, but at the same time he doesn't want to lose Aramis completely.
It's enough to make Aramis lean in, gripping at Porthos as he buries his face into the crook between Porthos's neck and shoulder.
"I'm sorry," he says. "No one is ever going to be half as perfect as you. No one is ever going to make me feel the way you do. I know everything is messed up. Who could ever want to be with anyone else when they have you?"
Porthos wraps Aramis up in his arms and holds him tight, clutching him against his chest. "It's not messed up. I'm not -- I need time to wrap my head around Sharon, but it's not messed up." He can't pretend he's completely over the moon about the pregnancy, but he can be here for Aramis, like this. That at least he can do.
"I'm sorry," he says again. "Just - Don't stay because you feel guilty or noble or obligated. I don't want you to leave. I don't. But if you can't deal with this you can. I won't hold it against you, I promise."
"Don't be an idiot." But it's deeply fond, and he rubs Aramis's back gently. "And don't count me out just yet. I love you, but yes, this is -- overwhelming. And I need a little while to work out how I feel. But I do know that I want to stay with you."
That's it. That's all Aramis needed to hear, and most of the tension drains from his body. He wraps his arms around Porthos, hugging him close. "I was going to tell you tomorrow. I didn't want to ruin a good day."
"You needed to get it out." It had obviously been bothering Aramis all day, gnawing at him quietly. "You wouldn't have slept tonight if you hadn't told me, I bet."
"I probably won't sleep tonight anyway." Aramis exhales a sigh against Porthos's neck, and takes a moment to just be tucked up against him and to let it sink in that Porthos still wants him. Eventually he sits back a bit, pressing a kiss to Porthos's cheek. "I love you."
Neither will Porthos, probably. He nuzzles against Aramis's hair and tangles their fingers together. "I love you, too. We'll be okay." And they will be. They always are.
He can't help but smile a little, because Porthos is so sweet and wonderful, and he's everything Aramis needs. "I'm going to go grab a shower, I think. Then maybe we can just go to bed. It's been a long day."
Fuck. Porthos chews at his lip a little and squeezes Aramis's hand a little. "I think I need to be in the other room tonight. Not for good," he hurridly assures. "Just a night or two."
Oh. Aramis's face falls and he falters a moment before schooling his expression back into something impassive. He looks down at their hands because he's not sure he can look at Porthos, and nods. "Yeah. No, yeah, of course." Aramis takes his hand away and stands. "I'll see you in the morning, then."
When Aramis stands, Porthos wraps his arms around his waist and burrows against his stomach with a sigh. "I'm not mad, please don't think I am. But I'm upset, and I'm overwhelmed, and I need space. Just until I work through this."
"I know." And it's making Porthos upset that hurts the most. "When you hold me it makes it hard for me to leave you alone so you just need to let me go."
"Okay. I'll see you in the morning." Porthos rubs Aramis's hip as he stands and heads for his own room, still trying to untangle his thoughts.