Hulkling (skreeprinceling) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2014-11-23 16:30:00 |
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Entry tags: | billy kaplan (wiccan), teddy altman (hulkling) |
Who: Teddy Altman and Billy Kaplan
What: Teddy awakes after dreaming.
When: November 20th, early morning.
Where: Teddy’s hotel room.
Rating: PG-13 for language
Status: Complete
Teddy awoke with a start, experiencing a strange sense of body dysmorphia, like the body he was in wasn’t his own. He sat up, the sheet slipping down to pool over his hips. Teddy--no, Theodore, he was Theodore--dragged his fingers through his hair and then looked down at his hands, surprised that his skin was still pink and not green.
His mind was racing, reeling with the dreams that didn’t feel like dreams, but felt like...an awakening. He remembered friends he’d never had; a history worthy of its own series on the CW. But above all, he remembered Billy. He remembered how Billy looked at him when he was flirting, how he tasted when they kissed. He remembered how it felt to wake up with Billy beside him in bed.
But it had never happened.
Right?
Then why did it feel like it had?
He glanced over at the alarm clock, noticing it was past three am. It was probably a dick move, but as he picked up his phone and thumbed through to Billy’s number he justified it by virtue of Billy being used to early wake up calls from dick celebrities.
“Billy. It’s Teddy. I’ve got one question for you. Who the fuck are the Young Avengers?”
As soon as Billy answered he knew something had happened. It was three am and Teddy wasn’t the sort to just ring for no reason. If he’d been properly awake he’d have realised before the Young Avengers were mentioned because Theodore had called himself Teddy.
“I’m coming over,” he said before hanging up, kissing Justin’s forehead he left a note saying the studio had called and dressed hurriedly. He made it to Teddy’s hotel in good time, the roads being a lot emptier in the early hours. The house sale was almost complete which meant Teddy could move in before Christmas, which Billy thought would be nice for him.
Heading in he nodded at the security guy who nodded back, Billy was recognised by now. Raising his hand he knocked on Teddy’s door, he had a keycard but it didn’t feel right to use it.
Of course Billy wouldn't answer his question over the phone, Theodore mused. That was so like him. Then again, driving across town in the pre-dawn hours was probably answer enough. Probably.
By the time Billy knocked, Theodore had managed to work himself into something of a state, wide-eyed and desperate when he opened the door for his boyfriend-but-not-boyfriend, then moved away, arms crossed over his bare chest, defensively, as he waited for Billy to speak.
Billy was momentarily distracted by Teddy’s chest but forced himself to focus. Teddy was obviously not happy and Billy felt bad for that. “Okay, so yes. The Young Avengers. That’s us, our team in the dreams,” he began, “I’m sorry I didn’t warn you about them. Honestly, it kind of threw me when I saw you and after that I just kind of panicked. I thought it would be strange if I just launched into the whole thing.” He did look apologetic, “How much have you dreamed?”
"You're my boyfriend," Theodore said quietly. Because, okay, apparently he's not really human and is a superhero in another life, but Billy skipped over the boyfriend part, and that...that was actually more relevant to Theodore at the moment. It helped explain why he wanted to put his hands on Billy and soothe him, assure him he wasn't mad.
Despite going by the name Hulkling, Teddy never really seemed to get angry. Upset, yes, but not angry.
He refolded his arms to keep from reaching out for Billy, and gave him a long look, instead. "You're my boyfriend, and I love you more than I remember loving anyone, in two universes." He huffed a small, disbelieving laugh at his own stupidity. "And you have no idea how badly I want to kiss you right now."
Billy couldn’t stop his heart increasing in speed when Teddy spoke, to hear him say it sounded so right yet here it couldn’t be. He had Justin, he needed to remember that even though his heart ached for Teddy too. Why were things so complicated?
“Teddy I...” But Billy didn’t know what to say. He wrapped his own arms around himself to stop him from reaching out. He had a tendency to lose his head around this man and he couldn’t afford to do that. He didn’t want to hurt anybody. “I’m sorry,” he said with a little sigh and he closed his eyes. He had no idea where they went from here.
“Sorry you didn’t tell me, or sorry I remember?”
Theodore kept his distance, his tone deliberately neutral. “This entire premise sounds crazy. Dreams that are actually memories of another reality?” He began to pace. “Dreams that are shared? I’d ask how that even worked but I remember that the Scarlet Witch once manipulated reality because of her grief over losing her two sons. Over losing you.” The corner of his mouth turned up a little, rueful. “Now that I remember you, I can see why she’d lose it like that.”
“Sorry I didn’t tell you. I can’t be sorry you remember, even if I should be,” Billy told him honestly, they’d always tried not to lie to each other and Billy had already kind of broken that. He wouldn’t again.
“It does sound crazy. You’d have thought I was crazy if I’d tried to say anything I’m sure and I...wanted to be around you. I am sorry, Teddy,” he said seeing that rueful smile and wanting to make everything better, he took a step forward. “I’ll tell you anything you want to know I promise.”
Theodore shrugged, coming to a stop in front of Billy, drawn there. “It’s not like I would have believed you. Who would? It’s not something you can really believe, until you dream it. Until someone else confirms it. I do have questions. Starting with this one.”
He hesitated a little, then reached out, took Billy’s hand, not sure if he was allowed, but wanting the physical connection, needing it, if only to know he’s not still inside his head. “Is this okay?”
It was true, had Billy said anything Teddy wouldn’t have believed him and would have probably thought he was a crazy person. Or worse a crazy fan who he needed to take out a restraining order against. Maybe it was for the best that he’d said nothing.
“Of course it is,” Billy said, squeezing his hand back. “You’re still my friend Teddy, right?” They got along as well here as they did in the dreams and that would probably only deepen now. Billy didn’t linger on that thought.
"But that's not all we are," Teddy reasserted, holding tight to Billy's hand. He sighed, and a conflicted expression flitted over his face. "Does Justin know?"
Billy nodded, “He does. Although I...I don’t think he knows quite how much I’m in love with you, I mean the dream me is in love with the dream you,” he amended.
That earned another hand squeeze, and a slightly crooked smile. "Well, at least now I know why he seems to hate me on principle," Theodore mused. He tugged lightly on Billy's hand to draw him closer, thumb lightly stroking the skin. "And this probably makes me a horrible person, but it's starting to be mutual."
He lifted his other hand, gently pushed the long shock of hair back a little from Billy's face before letting his fingers lightly trace a familiar path that wasn't actually familiar, down his cheek, until they grasped Billy's chin, tilting his face up towards his own; a prelude to a kiss.
“He doesn’t hate you it’s just... an awkward situation.” Though in truth there probably was a bit of hatred in there, but primarily it was jealousy. Billy understood, had gone through the same thing when Brian had turned up from Justin’s dreams but it was hard to remember that when Teddy was looking at him.
He felt his breath catch as Teddy touched him but the sensible part of his brain and the part which loved Justin shocked him into reality. He shook his head gently. “Teddy, I can’t,” he whispered.
Theodore reeled back as if burned, putting a few feet of distance between them, and turning his body away. Everything about his body language became closed off in an instant. Stupid. That was so stupid. He couldn’t--not when Billy was with another man.
Yes, it was motivated by Billy's protest, but it was also to protect himself from the unfamiliar sting of rejection. He bit his lip, hard, not sure of what to say. He should probably apologize, and blame it on the dreams. He should feel ashamed. And yet.
“I’m sorry,” Billy said, “This isn’t easy for either of us I know. Please don’t feel bad,” he said, not liking the way Teddy closed himself off. Moving forward he wrapped his hand around Teddy’s wrist in an attempt to turn him back towards Billy, “In the dreams before we were boyfriends, we were friends. Good friends, the best. Could we try for that? Please?” Because even though he should Billy couldn’t let him go.
It was true. They had been friends. Theodore let Billy turn him, but he was still hesitant, even reluctant. It was all new to him, these feelings, and he felt over-full. Stuffed, with memories and feelings that weren’t his own. As an actor, he understood character bleed, had dealt with it before, even. He could handle this better. He would handle this better.
“How long have you been dreaming?” he asked, instead of answering Billy’s question.
Billy wasn’t happy, but it wasn’t like he could force Teddy to agree to be friends with him. He knew it would hurt if he didn’t though. It was important to him that Teddy didn’t cut him off, especially when he was reassigned to be another actor’s PA.
“Almost a year now,” Billy said, “Not always new ones, sometimes I get repeats too. And I have some of my abilities from the dreams too.”
That was actually the opposite of the reassurance that Theodore wanted. Still, he couldn’t help but smile as he was hit by memories of Billy learning how to control his magic. It made sense that Billy would have his abilities. A theory was beginning to form, based on his dreams. If reality had been warped, of course Billy would be one of the first to break through.
“A year,” he repeated, thoughtfully. “And nobody’s found the person responsible?” He hesitated.. “Do you think it’s your mom again?”
Thankfully he hadn’t gained his reality warping abilities yet, controlling those would be interesting. He hoped he’d have a lot better control if they did appear. Otherwise they’d no doubt cause all kinds of trouble.
“No.” Billy shook his head, “Everybody has the dreams. There’s no real explanation for them. It’s not magical though, we’ve checked that. Us magic users I mean.”
Theodore frowned, pulled away from Billy’s hand and turned his back, ostensibly to move to the little in-room Keurig, but also because what Billy was saying didn’t make sense. “But it started over a year ago. And I don’t think ‘everybody’ does. I didn’t until now. I hadn’t even heard of people having them. It’d be on the news or something if everybody was having them.” He filled the machine with water and glanced over at Billy. “Reality has been warped. Again. Of course it’s magical.”
Billy sighed, “It started way before I arrived here for a lot of people. It seems to be limited to the OC area but once you’ve been here awhile you start dreaming. People talk about it all the time on the net, but you avoid that. It’s nothing to worry about. Reality hasn’t been warped. We are who we’ve always been just with added dreams now.”
“And magic,” Theodore added, dryly. “I’m assuming that means I’m going to turn green at some point.” He pressed the start button and turned back around, leaning against the counter.
This--arguing with Billy over cosmic level problems--this was familiar, and it was clear that he was relaxing again, by increments, body language turning more open. “If you think we aren’t really the people we’re dreaming about--and you haven’t convinced me we’re not--then how do you explain it? How do you explain that we share the same memories, and those memories are contemporary with our lives now?”
“Fine and magic. Maybe you will I don’t know. It’s not consistent for everybody. Some people get the things from their dreams and some don’t,” Billy said. Coming to lean on the opposite counter across from Teddy.
“They aren’t memories, they’re dreams. They can’t be memories because I know I grew up in Brooklyn and my parents aren’t the same ones from the dreams. Maybe we are dreaming about alternate realities but I don’t think it’s a warped one.”
Theodore crossed his arms over his chest and regarded Billy. “Why? What makes this reality more real than the other one? Maybe this is the dream, and what we dream about is reality. You ever think about that?”
Billy shook his head, “It feels different. I wake up and I know it wasn’t real. I don’t know how else to explain it. But I think I’d know if this wasn’t reality” he said.
"So you don't think they're real? The dreams?" Theodore accused. "You think they're just...non-magic dreams that gave you magic powers?"
“Yes I do,” Billy said, “I’m not dreaming right now Teddy. This is reality, we work, we eat, we’re here. As amazing as the dreams are they aren’t real.”
Theodore was quiet while he regarded Billy, waiting before speaking. He was an actor--he knew the importance of timing when delivering an important line.
"Then why do you call me Teddy?" He asked, pointedly. "If they're just dreams...if they mean nothing. Why did you drive over here at 3am and leave your real boyfriend?"
“Because I slip up okay? You’ve been in my dreams for a long time and in them I’ve only ever known you as Teddy, it’s hard to get used to calling you anything else,” Billy said, frustrated. He didn’t know what Teddy was trying to prove with this. “I came over here because I thought we were becoming good friends and I know how confusing the dreams can be. Maybe I shouldn’t have bothered.” Which he didn’t mean but he was getting annoyed. He’d know if this wasn’t real, but Teddy seemed determined not to believe him. Pushing off from the counter he moved towards the door, “I should go home,” he said pulling his keys from his pocket.
The last thing Theodore wanted was for Billy to leave, but if he truly felt the dreams didn't matter, that they meant nothing, there was no point in him staying.
His coffee had brewed while they'd talked, and he picked up the mug, forced his gaze away. "Fine," he bit out. "Go be with him. And don't bother coming in later." He'd call the studio later. "I'm not confused," he added. "I know what's real and what's not." They just had different interpretations.
It wasn’t that Billy thought the dreams didn’t mean anything he’d learnt a lot thanks to them after all but he just didn’t believe they were reality.
“So I’m losing my job because we don’t agree on something?” Billy asked, looking at him rather hurt. “Tell me what’s real then Theodore? Since you’ve become the expert after one dream.”
“I don’t have to dream more than once to know that there is nothing inherent to this ‘reality’ that could make people share the same dreams,” Theodore replied, sarcastic, and set the coffee mug back down. “But you’re right. I’m not an expert. I don’t know how it feels for you. All I know is how it feels for me.”
He faced Billy again, took a deep breath to steady himself. “When I see you, all I can think about is the dream, and what we are to each other. But maybe it’s just because I knew you before I started dreaming, and, I’ll admit my feelings about you even here were not 100% professional and platonic. Clearly it’s not the same for you. Maybe what you feel for Justin is stronger than what you feel for me. Maybe that’s why this feels more real for you. I don’t know.”
“Yes, it’s odd that we share dreams but that doesn’t suddenly mean that how we’re living now, what we are here isn’t ‘reality’. It’s just a strange occurrence,” Billy said, “Do you think people haven’t looked into it? People have and they’ve found nothing.”
Billy wrapped his arms around himself and looked down, “I’ve been dreaming about being in love with you for a year,” he said softly, “But you weren’t here and I told myself you never would be. When I found Justin, he made me feel like I did in the dreams and I do love him. I never thought you’d be here Teddy, I never thought we’d actually be together. And now you are here and I don’t know what to do. You make me so confused.”
Taking a breath he looked up, “What if we’re different? We’re in love in the dreams yes but how do you know I’m the same Billy here? I’ve experienced different things here. I didn’t grow up with powers and neither did you. That has to have shaped who we became and what we saw in each other.”
"Just because no one's found anything doesn't mean this is real either," Theodore replied, stubbornly. "Magic's not supposed to exist here, but you have yours, right? Am I supposed to believe that's just a coincidence? That it's not our other lives bleeding through? I somehow know that's not outside the realm of possibility, that the Scarlet Witch or even someone like Loki could be behind this. I have 22 years of memories but I also know that memories can be warped and changed, so I can't exactly trust those. I can't trust anything, except how I feel. I have to believe that what I feel is real, even if nothing else is."
He wanted to reach out for Billy, to pull him close, but the last part of what Billy said stuck with him. Obviously, he was different from the "Teddy" that Billy knew, and there was nothing, no reason to give Theodore a chance when he already had a relationship.
"And us not knowing each other here, well...that's all the more reason for us not to work together," he added. “I can't be your boss if I want to date you."
“Yes, but I’m not the only one who has magic here” Billy said, “I know others, I’ve worked with others when strange things have happened here. This can’t all be because of us, others who have dreams dream of Earth devastated by war, of werewolves and vampires, of whole other worlds, how can they all be reality? How can our dreams be reality when in someone else’s we don’t exist? They cannot all be real.”
He sighed, “Teddy you don’t know me, you know dream me.” He looked down. What else could he do? He seemed determined. “I can’t stop you from not wanting to know me or work with me. I know it isn’t easy, I know that but I was hoping we could at least give it a shot at being friends.” It was selfish and dangerous, but he didn’t want to give him up. He knew exactly what Teddy was feeling because he was too, he just couldn’t admit it. There was too much at stake, Billy didn’t want to hurt anybody.
It was too early to posit theories of the multiverse, and Theodore hadn't gotten near enough sleep. The coffee was helping, somewhat, but Billy seemed insistent that a connection in the dreams meant nothing here, and that, combined with the strength of feeling triggered by the dreams starting to fade, encouraged doubt. Maybe Billy was right. He'd been having dreams with Theodore in them for over a year, he'd said, whereas his own had just started.
But what Theodore didn't understand was why Billy wanted to keep working for him, wanted to try for...friendship? He wasn't sure he wanted or was even capable of that. The alternative was to cut Billy out of his life completely, though, and he wasn't sure he could do that either.
He refolded his arms across his chest, a protective barrier between him and Billy. "You say you've talked to other people who have dreams like ours, but not like ours. Dreams where we don't exist. Where, exactly, did you find these people? Is there a secret handshake or something? Is it the Freemasons?"
It was a bit early for reality discussions and honestly Billy had been happy accepting the way he thought things were. Because anything else could lead to heartache and pain. For more than just him. He couldn’t allow himself to think of it any other way.
Having met Teddy here Billy simply couldn’t give him up. It might hurt just being friends, but being nothing was worse, at least in his eyes.
“They’re all over the net. And you’ll find a lot of the time if you mention dreams to people you meet by chance. Kate’s here too,” he added, remembering suddenly, “But she hasn’t had any dreams yet. She arrived around the time you did.”
It’d be nice to see Kate, but if she didn’t remember him, it would probably be strange. Well, more strange than usual. Theodore dismissed that, possibility, at least for the time being. But he was interested in talking to other people who had dreams, if he could find a way to do it anonymously, or in a way that didn’t make him seem like a celebrity who had lost his grip on reality. There were enough of those, and he’d already been through that once, after his parents’ death.
“What, like, I can just Google it?”
Teddy and Kate hadn’t remembered Billy when they’d first met and while it was strange Billy had rather enjoyed his first encounter with Kate. It was good to know she was nice here too. But he definitely thought talking to others who dreamed was a good move.
“There’s a forum type thing for the OC called Valarnet it’s where most dreamers hang out online.”
“Okay,” Theodore replied. Like many celebrities, he tended to avoid the internet, but he could deal with it, if he could find out more about the dreams.
As for the rest, well...Theodore wanted to think on it. He rubbed his face tiredly. “I have to be on set in four hours,” he said softly, even though he knew that Billy knew that, that Billy was always on top of the schedule even better than he was. “Location shooting all day. I could use an assistant on set. And maybe a friend.”
“You can look on mine if you like? Or we could set you up with a fake name,” Billy suggested since it might really help Teddy to get online.
He nodded, he knew Teddy’s schedule better than anybody had or would. He gave a hesitant smile, “You can have both,” he said softly, “For as long as you want.”
Theodore drummed his fingers lightly on the countertop. “We can try it,” he agreed, after a moment. He didn’t know how good of a friend he’d be, considering, or if it was a good idea in the long run, but at least for today, he wanted Billy around.
“You can stay here, if you want,” he added, tentatively, almost shy. “Get some more sleep. It’s a big bed.”
Billy smiled a bright relieved smile, his heart rate had been in his mouth and he truly had been worried Teddy would try to cut him out of his life.
He shouldn't, he knew that but he found himself nodding anyway. "That would be good," he smiled, "Thank you, Teddy," he added.
“Don’t thank me yet,” Theodore replied, but returned the smile. It was a little thing, to concede to Billy like this, and when had he ever been able to say no to Billy? In two universes? “You need something to sleep in? There’s extra sweatpants, and t-shirts.” He turned his back away from Billy and moved towards the bed, checked the time on his phone. They probably could get at least two hours of solid sleep.
"Great. Thanks," he nodded moving to the drawers to grab some spare clothes. Glancing over Teddy was still turned away so he pulled off his top and swapped it for Teddy’s and then did the same with the pants. Then he turned to the bed, more than ready for some sleep.
Theodore was ready for sleep too, and somehow, going to bed with Billy--even if it was just sleeping--bred a kind of...familiarity, a way of connecting the dreams to this reality. “Do you still sleep on the right side?” he asked, and then blushed, ducked his head a little. “I mean...sorry. In the dreams….” he shrugged and gestured vaguely. “Take whatever side you want. I’m not picky.”
Acting on impulse and instinct Billy moved forward to give Teddy a brief hug and smile, “Don’t apologise. It’s okay,” he said before pulling back, “I do prefer the right, if that’s alright with you?” he checked, “And I promise I don’t kick in my sleep,” he added trying to make him smile and relax a little.
The hug definitely surprised Theodore, but muscle memory had him wrapping his arms reflexively around Billy and resting his chin on the top of his head. They hadn’t hugged before. Not really. He remembered some arms around each other during Halloween when they were off to see the Wizard, but that wasn’t them, really, so this was new. Different. Nice.
When Billy pulled away, Theodore nodded and moved back to his side of the bed, tugging the linens down and slipping between the sheets. “Not a problem,” he assured Billy, and settled, checking his alarm one more time. He turned his head on the pillow towards Billy and offered another smile. “Thanks for coming over. It’s nice to know I’m not alone in this.”
Billy let himself enjoy the hug, Teddy’s arms around him felt familiar and yet thrilling and he allowed himself to forget everything except those feelings for just a moment.
Getting into the bed himself he turned on his side and nodded at Teddy with a smile, “You’ll never be alone, I promise. We’re in this together. Good or bad.”
Knowing he shouldn’t, but not being able to help himself, Theodore rolled on his side facing Billy, and reached out into the space between them to nudge Billy’s hand with his. “The dreams seem to be a mix of both so far,” he said quietly. “Iron Lad--I mean, Kang. I can’t get over the sacrifice he made for us. He brought us together...and we told him to go back to become someone he didn’t want to be.”
Billy let their fingers tangle, telling himself he was just offering support. “I know,” he nodded, “They aren’t always easy to have but overall they’re good. I mean I love our life in them. And I do like having my powers here, I mean I don’t use them often but sometimes they help.”
Theodore kept himself from asking why, if Billy loved their life together there so much, he was so adamant about keeping them separate here, but he didn’t want to restart that discussion. Not yet. He rubbed his thumb in slow circles against Billy’s skin. “Do you think they’re here too? Somewhere else but...here? Eli and Kang and Cassie?”
“I don’t know,” Billy admitted, relaxing into the touch, “Maybe. I’d resigned myself to being alone. I mean after a year I was still on my own, I just...thought it was best not to hope. But now with you and Kate, maybe they are out there.” Billy had tried to cut himself off from his dream life because being without everybody had been painful. That was why he’d kept them separate.
“Maybe,” Theodore agreed. He relaxed further against the mattress, trying to will himself back to sleepiness, knowing that he’d pay for it later. He hoped they were somewhere out there, since now that he remembered them, he couldn’t think of living a life without them. “What about Tommy?” he added, carefully. “You’ve never mentioned a brother. Is he….?”
Billy shook his head, looking sad. “No brother. Well not that I know of. I was adopted so maybe I do, maybe he is out there.” He’d told himself he wasn’t for a long time. That it wasn’t possible. “Do you think he could be?” It was said so hopefully.
Theodore squeezed Billy’s hand comfortingly. “Why wouldn’t he be? You’re here. You’re twin souls. I can’t imagine one would be here and the other wouldn’t.”
“I just...” he paused and shrugged, “I’d convinced myself it wasn’t going to happen. That they were different worlds and I’d never see any of you here,” he admitted.
That was understandable, Theodore supposed. He shifted on the pillow, studying Billy’s face in the dim light that was growing brighter around the edges of the curtains. “The others who dream. Do none of them know people from their dreams here in real life? Are we the first?”
Billy shook his head. “There are others. I guess after a while I just figured I wasn’t one of them. There doesn’t seem to be an order to it. Some do and some don’t.” He smiled ruefully. “We should sleep. We have a busy day tomorrow and I don’t want you to be too tired.”
“Busy day today,” Theodore groaned and shut his eyes for a moment, then opened them, giving Billy another smile. “But yeah. Sleep.” He didn’t move his hand from Billy’s, though, or shut his eyes, stubbornly clinging to the physical connection. If they weren’t the first to remember each other, that was more proof that maybe there was more going on here than just dreams, but any more thoughts on that could wait until he’d talked to more people. For now, he was content to hold on to this--to hold on to Billy--and know that he wasn’t alone.