Rachel Anne Summers is lost again (the_phoenix) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2014-11-09 22:43:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, kitty pryde (shadowcat), rachel grey |
"This probably IS our last, best chance."
Who: Grey Pryde.
What: Reflections on events earlier in the evening, surprise popped questions.
When: Tonight, around Midnight.
Where: The Summers/Pryde Residence.
Rating/Warnings: PG-13, Discussion of previous character death and such. Not very triggery.
Status: Complete!
While Rachel had waited for Scott to pick her up, she’d used her leftover telekinetic energy to pull her ruined car up out of the lake. Probably, she wasn’t going to call the cops over it. She could have done that, but it would also drag Booker into things, and she hadn’t been too keen about that idea.
They dragged the car into the hatch area of the blackbird, though, and then there had been pit stops for pancakes and a quick (dad enforced) ER visit. The car was the only real casualty. Rachel’s head took a few pieces of tape, but her arm was only bruised. Really, the biggest hit had been to her pride.
By the time they got home, Kitty had arrived, but there’d been no time to really touch base. There was the quick once over before the table was set with paper plates and all of that, and a huge pancake feast. Rachel laughed off her roughed up state for the kids and it became some kind of self-effacing joke about her driving.
But it wasn’t really a joke, nothing about the evening had been. And when she finally managed to settle into the bedroom with Kitty, she flopped onto the bed and stared up at the canopy they’d set up over it, “Alright, you can check me over from head to toe now if you want. I’m prepared for the yelling.”
Scott hadn't talked much once he was sure Rachel was okay. Okay he might have doted a little more than necessary but he was a dad and this was a dad thing and he relished dad things. Once Rachel was settled and the kids fed, he offered to take them out to the ranch for the night to 'rough' it in proper grandpa fashion.
Shit.
He was a grandpa. Oh well. Spoiling time. After another check on Rachel anyway.
Kitty was grateful for the lack of that distraction and plopped down on the bed next to Ray. "No yelling. Too tired for yelling. But you scared the hell out of me, Ray." She gently poked at a bandage on her arm. "Run off the road, letting the Phoenix get that much over you..." Kitty shivered. "It's easy to forget things aren’t always the same as the dreams." Later, she'd have Rachel show her the memory of the truck to see if she'd seen the license plate. Or some other thing they could use to track down this bastard and break his spine.
"It's not like I was trying to get run off the road, I was just..." Startled and not really paying attention, which was among the reasons she wasn't allowed to drive to begin with. But the sticking point was the Phoenix part, and she let out a long sigh as she closed her eyes.
It was confession time. She hated confession time.
"She's been angry for a long time, almost as long as she's been here. I've been... bottling it, distracting it, using all the usual telepathic tricks to keep it under control. But I woke up half conscious in a car filling with water, and I thought it was a great time to just let her unleash some of that energy. I was obviously really, really wrong. She’s angrier than she ever was when I had her in the other place… usually in that place if a temper tantrum was in play it was my own."
“She’s out of place, more than anyone else here,” Kitty pointed out. “That’d be enough to make anyone pissed off. But I think she was angrier than you even realized. I’m surprised she didn’t fry that man’s brain.”
"She was going to melt him from the inside out, I think. And I don't think once she started with that I would have been able to stop her from enjoying it. Probably because I would have taken some joy in it, too. But this isn't... It isn't The Phoenix from our universe, it's A Phoenix that knows that Phoenix but it's the one from here, and I think she's been waiting for a long, long time. That's a lot of time to be alone and bitter about it, I guess..." Rachel replied, frowning. That was kind of passing the buck, really, and she knew it.
“I know.” It wasn’t entirely the Phoenix, and that was the scary part, but everyone had a darker side. Even Kitty had done things she wasn’t proud of but she’d do again. Things that other people might think less of her over. Like removing that man’s rib, among other things.
"OKay, so it's more than just that." Rachel admitted. Mainly because Kitty was thinking it anyway. She rolled on the bed a bit so that she could curl in against her lover, and let out another sigh, "I'm angry, too. At Logan, at Dad, at YOU even... but it's all over stupid dream stuff. It feels so stupid to carry it around with me but I can't seem to shake it."
“At me?” Kitty chewed on her lip. “It’s the leaving the school thing, isn’t it.” Logan and her Dad were kind of obvious. Kitty ran her fingers through Ray’s hair, then leaned down and kissed the side of her face. “It’s… not stupid. I spent so long carrying it around with me and I still haven’t really shaken it. Everyone and their mother can tell you it doesn’t matter, it’s not the same, but that doesn’t change how it makes you feel.”
"The ironic thing is usually it's me telling everyone else that," Rachel grumbled. She leaned in against Kitty's lips and let the feeling of her lover's fingers in her hair calm her a bit. If they weren't having a serious conversation it might have put her to sleep. Especially after the evening's events.
But now that she'd finally brought it up, she definitely wanted to take the chance to talk it out, "You didn't even talk it over with me. We'd been separated for so long and we finally get back into the same place and some kind of rhythm with each other and then... then you go. You go with THEM."
“I’ve thought about that a lot. I was already really unhappy there. Logan and ‘Ro, they kept… I was supposed to be in charge, but Storm comes in and then it’s like I didn’t even matter any more. And I know I took on the responsibility of the past X-Men, but it still rankles. And then they start making decisions about my students without even consulting me…” She sighed, but continued to stroke Rachel’s hair. “It was kind of the last straw. And I just...needed ...they needed to make their own choices. Your dad, for all his fuck ups, was the only one who was willing to do that. I guess I was afraid you’d talk me out of it.”
"Oh me and Storm are definitely not happy with each other, either, so I understand that. They don't really ever let us grow up, do they?" Rachel let out a long sigh, because Kitty's words made complete sense. Who had she been staying there for, anyway? Kitty, mostly. And the professor's memory. Probably a little bit the memory of her mother, but all of that was so messed up now.
"I think I might have let you talk me into going with you. Maybe me and Dad could have... I don't know, worked it out. Maybe."
And she could just ignore Emma. They'd gotten good at ignoring each other. "But would they let you grow up, either? I'm not sure Dad will ever see me as... anyone else."
“I feel like they want me to be 14 forever,” Kitty lamented. Part of the reason she wasn’t letting Scott or Logan take charge of anything right now, honestly.
“Maybe you could have, but then who’s going to keep an eye on your kids? Or on Quentin. Maybe if he actually gets the Phoenix he’d need...whatever it is you’ve got to teach him.”
“Do you think he’d actually pay attention and listen to what I have to teach him?” Rachel snorted, and shook her head a bit. Quire was a little snot of a kid who thought he knew everything and didn’t need any extra instruction. He actually reminded her of herself a few years ago. She’d eventually let Emma and the professor teach her what she needed to know, but it’d been rough going before then.
“I think it’s a common Telepath thing. We all think we’re better than you, you know. Even when dealing with other Telepaths. But I don’t know. I feel like I don’t belong, either. And it’s not like Betsy couldn’t teach the same things I am. I’m sure some people think she could do my job better.”
“Don’t say that.” Kitty poked her nose. “You’re damn good. You’re the only person I trust inside my head. I mean that should say a lot, don’t you think? And don’t say it’s just because I’m biased!”
"Well you kind of are biased, aren't you?" Rachel teased, "But it makes sense. I mean, Emma is Emma and even the professor wasn't always... I know you all have lots of issues with him. Or had. I mean, I feel like most people forgot about them, but that's not your fault. But still, they could all do my job. I kind of feel like everyone's fifth wheel. It's annoying."
“You’re not a fifth wheel. Ray, you sound like me. Do you really want to sound like me when I’m being all low self-esteemy?” She gave Rachel a scolding look to go with her tone. “You belong, Ray…”
"No, I don't. I've never belonged. For all we know my presence in that timeline is screwing time up as badly as the young x-men are. But you know, it's kind of my thing. I wear it well enough, and there's nowhere else for me to go. It's just without you there it's going to be worse." Rachel knit her brows together and then added, "You're my belonging place."
“Marry me,” Kitty blurted. She had, after all, pretty much asked Scott for his blessing. She just hadn’t intended on ever following through. Probably. So she hadn’t meant to actually say that. “I mean we don’t need to or anything I just need you to know that you’re home too you know? You mean so much to me. Leaving you was my biggest regret.”
The blurt took Rachel by such surprise that a telepathic exclamation point once again registered through the link - and possibly hit Scott nearby, too. It was the second time this evening, but this one was for a much, much more nice reason.
Her eyebrows raised up a bit and she blurted out, "Seriouslyyesokay?"
Kitty froze, staring wide-eyed at Rachel. Her eyes darted around the room, then back to Rachel’s face, then back around the room. She got up and held up a finger. She ran over to where she had a Wonder Woman statue by her computer, and fished around the general area of the lasso. Then she came back and sat down next to Rachel again. “Honestly I’m kind of terrified but I did ask your dad for his blessing and it was only just in case but I also got this just in case and I...don’t know if this is even a good idea…” She gripped a ring in her palm so tightly her knuckles turned white.
Rachel's eyebrows rose up even higher and she stared at both Kitty and the ring, "You actually had a ring, you had a ring this... whole time? Hiding behind -- you asked my DAD?"
Her brain was slowly catching up with everything that Kitty was saying and thinking, and she frowned a bit as her girlfriend started to backpedal a bit, "Oh but... I mean, if you don't want to... If you're not ready. I can... we can just forget it."
It didn't really sound like Rachel just wanted to forget it.
“I just wanted to be...prepared. In case I could..you know..in case it..came up and then…” She waved her hand, the ring still tight in her grip. “You have to go and get run off the road and...god what if you’d died? What if you’d died and I’d felt it and I would have felt it and we’d never have...I wouldn’t have anything left of you!”
"I didn't die, Kitty. I'm right here. And... You know, being married to me doesn't really give you anything more than if we hadn't been. That's kind of strange logic, I mean, what do I have, a laptop?" Rachel shook her head. Marriage wasn't logical at all, no one got married because it was a logical thing to do. Unless they were Spock, or Spock's dad, or maybe for political liaison reasons.
They weren't royals or vulcans, so... "But I want to, and I don't care if it's a bad idea, Kitty. I don't care. If we're married we can't just take off into space without each other or relocate to some secret base somewhere, if we're married it means we have to be together forever. And the Universe can just fuck off if it thinks it's messing with that."
Kitty licked her lips. Rachel had a point. They couldn’t find an excuse to be apart if they tied the knot. “I have to warn you my experience with marriage is pretty bad. My parents are divorced you know. But if that’s a risk you want to take...” Go her for not making the obvious comment!
“...can we just elope though? We can totally get us nice dresses still, but I don’t know if I can do a big thing again…”
Rachel scrunched her nose up. She wasn't sure if she was a big deal wedding kind of person anyway, but she wasn't sure it was fair to deny herself that. It was her first time doing this.
And maybe Kitty's hesitation meant she wasn't really ready for this anyway. It was really sounding to her like that was the case. She chewed on her lip for a few seconds, and then shook her head, "You aren't ready for this."
“No! No, I’m ready. I’m just terrified. I mean I’m never gonna be ready. Not until we’re there and we’re saying our vows. Does that make sense? You deserve this.” She cupped Rachel’s cheeks. “We deserve it.”
Part of Rachel really just wanted to ignore her own worries about this and take this good thing they might be having. Just take it, and run with it, kind of like Kitty would do anyway - the whole take happy while you can routine. But her gut still had doubts, now that they were here, and she shook her head a bit.
"Dashing off and doing something impulsive just because... because you think we have to, while we still can. That's not us. If we were going to be impulsive we'd have done that already. You're terrified, and I can't ignore that. I want to marry you, I want the wedding and all of that, and I'm okay with waiting until that thought doesn't scare you away from it."
“I want to marry you while we’re still young enough to contort into sexy lingerie for the honeymoon,” Kitty complained. “I’ll be okay when we get there. When we’re actually there. I just don’t want any time to think. I’ve already been thinking about it for months.”
"We HAVE to take time to think, Kitty. I'm serious, now. I don't want to rush into this, I know you blurted it out and that's kind of... rush-y, but... if you don't want to think about it, if thinking about it is going to make you stop, then that's not right," Rachel argued.
She got up off the bed and paced around the bed a bit, "You've been thinking about it for months, and so have I. But that doesn't mean you're ready, now. You have trauma, Kitty. You need to deal with that."
“I dealt with that!” Kitty flailed her arms. “We wouldn’t be together if I hadn’t!” She got up and grabbed Ray’s arm. “Anyway we have to worry about your shit before mine. You almost died today.”
"Being together isn't the same thing as being married! Admit it, the reason you're terrified is that Xi'an didn't die until AFTER the wedding!" Rachel shouted. She immediately wished she hadn't said that, because it was hitting a little closer to home than she wanted.
Kitty let go of her, making a huffing sound that was halfway between disgust and anger. It wasn’t even something she could deny, but it wasn’t something she thought was true. Did she? It hurt like it was true. It hurt like a lance through the heart. “We’re mutants, name one universe that you’ve ever seen where we’re happy? But you can’t, you can’t because this is the closest one, this is the second chance we’ve always wanted!”
She pointed her finger at the ground beneath her feet to emphasise her words. “Don’t you understand? Getting married isn’t just for me. It’s for you too. To give you that second chance that…” She trailed off. “...and maybe that’s why we should do a bigger one.”
Rachel opened her mouth, and then shut it. Kitty was right. There wasn't a single mutant relationship she could name that hadn't ended in tears. Logan had been in plenty of serious ones and they'd all ended in tears. Weddings never got off the ground, or were interrupted. Her own father's wedding to her mother - in the main universe - had ended when she died, and died, and died. In her own universe it wasn't much different.
Her own marriage in that universe had been horribly rushed, and had ended about as badly. The OC had seen fit to send her those makeshift wedding bands, and she held up a finger as she went over to her dresser to dig them out.
Two very simple and obviously battered rings, suspended on a chain. She twirled them a bit in the air as she held them up between them, "I've already done the rushed 'we're going to die any day now' wedding, Kitty. In my dreams, I've done it. And sure. Yes. You're right, we never get to be happy. It didn't end in happiness for me and Franklin. Or my parents, these are THEIR rings. And it never worked out for anyone you ever knew, and this probably IS our last, best chance. But it's because of that. It's because this is the only world we have left, that I want to take this slow and do it right. When you can handle it. When you're not so terrified of what'll happen that the fear cripples you if you think too long. Because I love you and you love me and we both know we're the only people we want, not because I almost died today and there may not be a tomorrow. Do you get that?"
Tears ran down Kitty’s face. She closed the distance between them, and took Rachel’s hands in her own. “How about a fall wedding. Once you’re out of college. I think that might be plenty of time for both of us, and give us time to plan.” There were things she had to do anyway. Logan was still the person that was dictated to take the twins if something happened to her, but she wanted to put Rachel at the head of the line. That didn’t always require marriage.
“Just gettin up in the morning is like rolling the dice, Ray. Sometimes it’s really easy to wallow in the fear. I’m so, so tired over there, and it makes it a little harder here. But I know you get that.”
"Oh I definitely get that," Rachel agreed. She pulled Kitty into her arms and kissed at her woman's cheeks. The tears made everything a bit salty, but Rachel didn't mind. They'd somehow managed to have some kind of fight and also get engaged at the same time, and that was pretty amazing.
At least she thought that's what had just happened.
"I think a fall wedding is perfect. Do I get to put the ring on now?"
Kitty smiled through her tears. “Yeah. Let me just…” She slipped the ring onto Rachel’s finger, then threw her arms around the redhead’s neck and kissed her.
I love you.
I love you, too.