perfectlyportia (perfectlyportia) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2014-07-18 13:15:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, katniss everdeen, portia |
Who: Katniss and Portia
Where: Portia's house
When Early July
What Dreams
Status: Complete
Rating: Low/Hunger Games mentions
After that first time Portia had welcomed Katniss to stay over a few times, the young girl seemed to find some kind of reassurance in Portia. Though exactly what she didn't know. Not that Portia minded either way. She was just glad she could help at all.
"Are you okay Katniss?" She asked in concern, "You're quieter than usual today"
Katniss shrugged from her position slumped on the couch, playing idly with her fingernails. “I got to the end of the Games,” she said quietly. “We got to the end of the Games I should say...just.”
“Oh I see” Portia replied coming to sit next to Katniss on the couch. “I’m sorry. But at least that part is over now. I know it’s probably not much comfort” she admitted.
Katniss stared at her hands for a minute before replying. “It’s not over...is it?” she asked simply.
“No” she said sadly, laying her hand on Katniss’ arm and squeezing softly, “No it’s not. I’m so sorry Katniss”
Katniss sighed heavily as the reality of that settled in. She scrunched her eyes shut and rubbed her hands over her face roughly. “Fuck!” she shouted, surging to her feet and starting to pace angrily.
“Katniss” Portia said worriedly, “I am sorry. But I promise you, no matter how hard it is you will come through it all. Even if it feels hopeless sometimes” she stood and took Katniss’ face in her hands, “And you have people you can rely on to help you both there and here”
“Who?!” Katniss demanded. “Peeta?” she asked incredulously. “He posts on the Net about winning the Games, but we didn’t win! We have to live with it all now and it’s...I don’t think I can!” she looked at Portia desperately.
“Yes you have to live with it now. You can and you will because to do anything else would make a mockery of those who lost their lives. Like Rue, Foxface and even the careers. The games are horrific and I hope to whatever power is out there that we never witness it here but you need to accept that the dreams are what they are” Portia spoke as gently as possible but there was steel in her tone too.
Katniss clutched Portia’s arms and looked at her desperately. The tears brimming in her eyes spilled down her cheeks as she said quietly, “Rue…”
“Remember her and live because she can’t Katniss” Portia said pulling Katniss into a hug and stroking her back.
Katniss sobbed helplessly against Portia’s shoulder. “She was just a kid,” she cried.
Portia comforted Katniss as best she could, “Yes she was. You all were and it’s a terrible waste of life”
Katniss tried to stop her crying. Pressing her hand to her face as she shut her eyes tightly against the tears. “God damnit,” she said, pulling away from Portia and turning to face away from her. “What sick bastards!”
Portia nodded in agreement, she’d been through the anger herself and knew it was something Katniss needed to work through. “The whole thing is horrendous and unthinkable in this world”
Katniss sniffed and rubbed her face. “God, sorry,” she sighed. “Didn’t know that was going to happen,” she shook her head. “I just...haven’t been sleeping well with these Dreams.”
“It’s okay. You don’t have to apologise to me” Portia assured her, “I just wish there was more I could do. Maybe you could speak to a doctor? They might be able to give you something to help”
“Why would I want to sleep more?” Katniss asked bitterly.
“An induced sleep means you’ll be less likely to dream” Portia told her, “You can play around with how much you need to give you a good nights sleep but still feel awake in the morning” A friend of hers had done that before she’d moved away and had some success with it.
“I don’t know,” Katniss sighed. “When I sleep all I see are the Games and when I’m awake, all I do is worry about what I’ll see when I go to sleep. I just...wish there were a way to take the memories...Dreams, or whatever they are, out of my head somehow,” she sniffed. She didn’t particularly want to be medicated up to the eyeballs, but it might be the only option.
“Believe me if I knew of a way to then I’d help you but sadly all I know is how I’ve learnt to deal with them” Portia said, “And mine aren’t as bad as yours as I was never in the games themselves” She had been publicly executed but knowing that wasn’t going to help Katniss right now.
“Have you spoken to Peeta about any of his Dreams?” Katniss asked as she sat down on the sofa, head in her hands. “Is he coping alright?”
“A little. He seems to be okay” Portia said, “I think he tries as much as he can to separate them from his life here. That might help you as well. These things haven’t happened after all, except in the dreams we seem to share”
“That’s the thing I don’t understand,” Katniss said in exasperation, sitting back against the couch. “Why do we share these Dreams? How is that possible, if we haven’t actually experienced these things?” she shook her head. “If I understood that, then maybe I could...separate them like you say.”
“I can’t explain that. I’m not sure anybody can in all honesty” Portia replied, patting Katniss’ hand, “But I do know that we can’t have actually experienced these things because it’s just not possible. I go to work and I live here, I don’t have time to have lived a whole other life” And of course, she wasn’t dead.
Katniss sighed and dropped her head back against the sofa. “Sorry. I know you don’t have all the answers, I just...I don’t have many friends, if any, since Pansy left. I don’t have anyone to talk to about any of this,” she held her hands out palm up.
"You have me" Portia said placing her hands in Katniss' and squeezing them softly. "You can always talk to me about your dreams. Even if I can't help it might be good just to get it out"
“Thanks Portia,” Katniss gave her a little smile. “You’re the best.”