Who: Hanna, Neena, Clarice What: Neena's sending Hanna away. Many feels. When: Close to the end of their vacation. Where: Hawaii! Rating/Warnings: Family Friendly, aside from slight alcohol use. Status: Complete!
Hanna had been having a good vacation. She didn’t really want to go back. There was nothing to be afraid of here, and she’d met this local girl named Alana who was teaching her to surf. And teaching her a lot of other things. Clarice and Neena had joked about summer romance and Hanna was headed for heartbreak and fast.
Clarice was reclined beneath an umbrella, watching Hanna play in the surf with the other girl. “You need to tell her soon. So she has time to get over being pissed at you.”
"And ruin all of this?" Neena motioned one hand towards Hanna and her new girlfriend, while the other one applied yet another coat of sunscreen to her legs. Her skin had gotten a shade paler over the last week, instead of a shade darker, "She's having so much fun. The second I tell her she's going to give me that pouty stubborn-face I know so well, and then the vacation is all over."
Clarice ported the lotion out of Neena’s hand and into her own. The only one that should be lathering the pale woman up should be her. “Soon, though. She needs to know soon.” The porter sighed. “I don’t like this. But I get why. I still don’t like it. It feels like...breaking up the family.”
"That's because it's exactly like breaking up the family," Neena admitted. She repositioned her legs to allow Clarice a little more access to them, and wrapped her now free hand around a frosty glass of... some kind of cocktail that was purple. She forgot what they called it, but it was delicious and she didn't really care.
Neena's tone was cheerful, and she looked completely relaxed. But this decision had been extremely hard. She wasn't even sure if the rushed way it was being handled made it easier or harder. On the one hand there was less time to think about it. On the other hand there was less time to prepare, "But she'll be safe and get to live a completely normal life, which is more than I can say for either of us."
It was a bit souring, but Clarice wasn’t going to let it get her down. There was the safe thing, and the normal thing when they all got back. “It’s not like we couldn’t visit, and no one would even know we were.” She massaged Neena’s leg a bit as she applied lotion. “Was nice while it lasted, though.”
"Maybe she won't even want to see me, then, but I hope she will. And that she'll go to school, maybe even college. That's more than her mutti ever accomplished, anyway." Neena's smile warmed a bit at the german word for mother, which was something she'd picked up from Hanna.
One of her hands reached down to cover Clarice's, and she patted it, "I know you want a family, Clarice, and it's not like they aren't still family. Hell, if anything, the family's getting bigger. Shepard is like our cool tough bitch aunt, and Dani will keep them all in line. They'll have a baby before we can blink, and Hanna will get to help raise some kind of baby sister slash cousin... And we can spoil them all with care packages and crap."
The German word made Clarice grin brightly. She turned her palm around and threaded her fingers through Neena's. "Yeah, that'll be fun. And speaking of families, you should meet my parents eventually." They were guaranteed to be less crazy than Neena's parents, at least!
Definitely guaranteed to be less crazy. But then, almost anyone is less crazy than that. Neena didn't even like to think about where she came from, really.
One of her eyes twitched a bit at the thought of meeting Clarice's parents, though, despite the fact that they were probably completely normal people. Meeting the parents was a big step. A huge step. A step that meant things, really.
"I guess aside from moving in with each other or getting married, meeting the parents is probably the next step, yeah."
Mostly normal, and still thinking Clarice's thing with girls was a phase. Oh, poor silly parents. Clarice had discovered that it didn't matter, she was attracted to someone and that was that. "We go grocery shopping together, hon."
"But you blink your groceries somewhere else. Which... why do you do that? That's just silly. I mean, it's not like there's much in my fridge but alcohol, most days. And stuff for Hanna to drink. And eat. Still, very empty fridge and cupboards."
Neena couldn't believe she was saying this, but to her it just seemed to make sense. It was a lot less scary than meeting the parents, anyway, "We should just pool all our resources and get a house somewhere. Or take Shepard's, it's already got a safe room built in."
"I have to fill my own fridge up," she explained, smirking. Her eyes widened as Neena continued and she felt this nervous energy start in her stomach.
"Shepard hasn't said what she's planning to do with that house..."
"A house like that..." Neena's mind started to fill with all the possibilities. Shepard lived as spartan an existence as she did, so it was probably still really clean and well kept. That was military life for you. Most of anything that remained there decorations wise would probably end up on the Normandy.
"We'd have a room to hole up in if we needed, buit-in gun storage - she probably put an armory in the safe room, we'd have storage for our uniforms and my bullet proof suits and things... And she probably already paid for it. Maybe we could make some kind of arrangement with her."
Clarice’s pulse was racing as she listened to Neena run through their options. She literally pinched herself. “It’ll take them awhile to figure out where we’ve moved to, and even then the house would be more than secure enough to stand up to an attack, giving me a lot of time to get us out, or for help to come.”
But moving in with her? Were they ready for that? And she’d have to help Terra, but if Celes was moving in then they’d be okay anyway…
"Exactly. Plus, it's some really choice real estate, in a gated community of really nice people, and there's a pool. It's pretty close to Lara and Sam's house, either. I don't know those two, but Lara sounds capable once she's dealt with the PTSD, and Dani was pretty close to both of them."
Dani had a good head on her shoulders, and Neena was willing to trust the other girl's instincts when it came to people. At least, most of the time.
She chuckled a bit, and tugged Clarice closer to her, "You wanted some kind of outward sign, you wanted a piece of me. I can't think of a bigger one than sharing lives together."
Clarice shifted, straddling Neena and kissing her approval. Her hands started to wander, suddenly wanting to show her appreciation for this idea rather than say any words that might scare the both of them.
That was the idea, anyway, until Hanna cleared her throat.
An awesome makeout session on the beach would have been a wonderful way to celebrate. Neena could think of a few more, though, and that was probably good. Because there was Hanna, and she pulled her face away from Clarice to look at her daughter, "Why hello there, mausi. Nevermind us, we're just being romantic."
"It's cute," Hanna said. She was flushed and her swimsuit was askew and it wasn't hard to tell what she'd been up to either. "Alana wants to take me to dinners tomorrow. Is that okay? Did you haves plan?"
Neena smirked a bit and then glanced at Clarice. She wanted to cling to Hanna a bit, but she also didn't want to interrupt the young girl's budding romance. And that would give her and Clarice some time together for a romantic dinner, too.
"... Nothing that can't be re-arranged. But how about we get lunch tomorrow, just me and you?"
“Okay,” Hanna said, bouncing on her heels. She gave them both a hug. “Dinner for all of us tonight?” She meant the three of them. Clarice had become part of the family in her mind. A better family than any she’d ever had before.
"Dinner for all of us tonight. I thought we'd go to one of those luaus down on the beach. So I bought us tickets to one. There's supposed to be good food and live fire torches and dancing and crap. You can't go wrong with live fire and torches and dancing." Neena turned to Clarice and winked at her, "Then me and Clarice can have a special dinner while you're having a dinner with your friend."
“Deal!” Hanna turned and ran off to find Alana again. Clarice grinned at the girl, then turned back to Neena. “Now where were we…?”
It was a memorable afternoon and night, and by morning Clarice found it impossible to roll out of bed. Luckily for her, lunch was a Neena Hanna affair and she could sleep in a bit.
Neena had driven Hanna down into the city proper. There was a local burger joint there, one they'd fallen in love with on their second day and had visited a few times since. This time of day was particularly busy, but they didn't have to wait long before they were in a cozy booth and looking at their menus.
"How hungry are you, kid? I'm thinking we should start with a pile of those french fries that are loaded in very not kosher things like cheese and bacon."
Cheese and bacon were the kind of comfort foods Neena reserved for particularly stressful times. Right now was about to be one. She couldn't very well keep on pretending that Hanna wasn't going to be loaded on a spaceship in a few weeks.
Hanna was so hungry that she was going to inhale a pile of cheesy fries if she didn’t get them in her belly and soon. She nodded enthusiastically - a week in Hawaii had drive away many of the demons that had come with her dreams and the reveal about her life. “That sounds fantastics. I very much like cheese. It is one of my favorite things.”
"It's one of my favorite things, too. I about died when your father told me I couldn't eat cheese and meat together anymore. No cheeseburgers, no cheeseburger macaroni, bacon anything - bacon is a huuuge no no to jews. No bacon on pizza, no ham..." Neena shook her head, "I used to go to McDonalds and get cheeseburgers just to eat in front of him. Because I'm that kind of annoying. But we loved each other anyway."
Enough to convert to a religion and pretend to practice it, anyway, along with its ass-backwards rules. Neena didn't mention that part. She knew some Jewish people who were awesome, for one thing, and didn't want to harp too long on a religion or culture that her daughter might want to be a part of.
"But not all Jews keep kosher. Milo was just really into it. You should feel free to explore any of that if you want to."
She chewed her lip as she looked at the menu. She’d read about Judaism. She’d read all the major religions and many others, too. She didn’t know what she thought about any of them, but after her dreams and after the things she’d done she knew if there was a hell, she would go to it. “Religions are not logical.”
Neena raised both of her eyebrows and opened her mouth, then shut it. She was trying to figure out how to respond to that - most of her wanted to agree, but was that the right way to approach it?
Fortunately, the waiter had chosen that moment to come ask them what they were ordering. The older woman gave her a very grateful look, and grinned, "We'd like a large plate of your loaded fries, extra cheese. With sour cream and ranch to dip in. And I'll have your five cheese burger with grilled onions. Medium. Hanna?"
“Same, with extra onions.” Hanna didn’t want to really talk religion. Everything she’d seen had made it seem like a really easy way to control a large group of otherwise good people, and she wanted no part of that. Besides, it was better than thinking about going to hell. “And extra ranch, toos.”
"And a couple of cokes. Thanks." Neena collected their menus and handed them to the waiter, offering him a winning smile before turning back to Hanna. She waited for him to jot things down and walk away, then cleared her throat, "But yeah. Religion is mostly bullshit. Still, if you'd wanted to explore it I would have supported that. I wasn't sure. Some people turn to God when shit gets real, even after the things they've done. For some invisible deity to give them the forgiveness they can't give themselves."
She shook her head, "The things that I've done, for instance. I'm supposed to feel uncomfortable with those things. And I don't want to be forgiven. You, a lot of your life and what's happened isn't your fault. But the way you handle that has to be your own way. Atoning by doing good deeds or meditating... Dani smokes weed to deal with hers."
Hanna gave her mother a look, the sort of look any skeptical teen would give their mother when their mother was being dumb. “I want to live in a way like they didn’t wants me to lives. Either here or ins the dream. Where I don’ts have to worry about any Sophies getting hurts. Or Alanas…”
She worried about that. About getting attached to someone and getting them hurt. She blushed just thinking about Alana.
It was a fear that Neena was very well acquainted with. It was heartbreaking that her sixteen year old daughter would have to know how it felt, too, and that only made Neena feel more resolved about what she'd decided. She grinned a bit, somewhat sadly, at the way Hanna blushed, "Kind of a shame you can't take her with you. I know you like her."
"I could visits! I could ask Mutter Rosa." It seemed like a good idea, and she hoped that Clarice wouldn't mind it sometimes. A long distance relationship could work when your parents could teleport or had hypersonic jets.
"You could... yeah." Neena nodded, and tried not to eyedart too heavily. Hanna was just as good at reading people as she was. And she wasn't sure that they were going to get much eating done once the news got out. She wanted to at least enjoy her cheese fries.
Hanna chewed her lip, watching Neena’s face. “What is the matters?” The fries arrived, and she took a bite, becoming momentarily distracted by how delicious they were. She held one out to Neena to take a bite.
That was adorable. Neena grinned and chomped on the fry, which was absolutely delicious and just as distracting to her as it was to Hanna. There were some silent moments then, as both mother and daughter dug into the fries while they were still warm.
The waiter brought over their burgers nearly directly after, and Neena decided to take a few bites of that, too, before the shit hit the fan.
Hanna spent the next few minutes chowing down, though she kept eyeing her mother like she knew something was up and it was best to come out with it rather than just sit there and pretend nothing was going to happen. Had Neena decided to go back to that Booker guy? Blech. Guys.
When her burger was about finished and Neena was certain that she wasn't really fitting anything more in her stomach, she carefully wiped her hands clean and leaned back against the booth.
"So..." She started, then gave Hanna a sheepish look, "How do you feel about space?"
“It is darks and cold but very pretty. The sun has 8 planets and dozens of dwarf planets and even more countless objects orbiting it. There are four hundred thousand millions stars in the galaxy, and two hundres thousand millions galaxies that we can see! That is more stars than there are atoms in our bodies!”
"...Do you want to visit some of those planets and moons?" It sounded like Hanna was super into the idea of space, and Neena hoped that maybe selling her on this wouldn't be as bad as she thought.
Just in case, though, she pulled a flask out of her jacket and discretely poured some of it into her coke.
“What? That’s not possibles… It would take a very longs time just to go to any planets…” She’d been so depressed when she’d read that when she was little that she’d put her science book down for a whole week.
"Well you see... I've got this friend named Commander Shepard. And she's got a space ship that can actually go to these places, with the kind of technology that would make it possible to do it all in a few months. Doesn't that sound exciting?" Neena hoped it sounded exciting. She took a long swig off of her coke, and looked at Hanna hopefully.
"Really? We can go see planets?" Hanna sat up straighter, her eyes lighting up. That was almost better than Hawaii! "I can tell yous about what I reads about the red spot! And we could see it!"
This was already breaking Neena's heart. It felt like it was being ripped out of her chest, but she still knew it was the right thing. And she hated that. Neena couldn't stand the term 'it's for the best', but this time it was.
Her tone was sad and slightly gentle when she replied, "No, mausi, we can't go see the planets. But you can. You can go and see the red spot, and Neptune, and even things further away from that, if Shepard can take you there."
Hanna's hand froze in the middle of bringing a fry to her mouth. She set it down looking at Neena with some amount of accusation. "You are sendings me away." There was betrayal in her voice. She gripped the table. "I just found you!"
"I know," Neena replied, softly, "I know, I know that, but I'm your mother, Hanna. I'm your mother, and that means I have to make the choices that are best for you, whether I like them or not. Whether anyone likes them or not, and Clarice doesn't like it either."
Her jaw twitched, and she downed the rest of her soda. There wasn't enough alcohol in the world right now, and Neena desperately wished that this place allowed smoking.
Hanna’s voice grew cold. “Don’t I get a choice? My entire lifes, both of thems, have been about others making choices for me. Where is my choice??”
The younger woman's words hit several nerves with Neena. She knew if she was her sixteen year old self, having this conversation with a mother she barely knew, she'd have said the same thing. It still hurt, and Neena skipped the coke and went straight to her flask.
"Whether you like it or not, you're still sixteen years old. In the normal world, you're not even really qualified to make every single decision for yourself. You don't know how to, Hanna, because you've never had to. And I'd be right by your side to help you decide what to do with the rest of your life, college, or school, or what your personal style was, or what kind of hobbies you wanted to take up. Those are normal girl decisions that you, as a normal girl, will get to make. But where you live your life and how safe you are while you're doing it is still something that I have to do for you. Because you shouldn't be running around cross country on your own, and you shouldn't end up like me. I was out on the streets, I did literally anything to get by, and I don't want that for you."
Neena shook her head and paused to take another sip off of her flask, then continued in a softer voice. She was nearly in tears, "I'm not a good mother. I didn't get to raise you, and the life I lead isn't a life to include a daughter in. There are bad people out there, still, and I have to take care of them. And I need you to be somewhere that you can be safe, and normal, and have a pair of really amazing women who can guide you and help you grow."
"I can handle myself, I can protect myself!" Hanna had, and she would again, even if it broke her heart to hurt someone. Not even killing, just hurting people tore her up, but she knew how to do it, she knew how to do it well, and she never thought about how it went down until after it was done.
"You are pushings people away because it scares you."
"When you're in danger, your own brain doesn't give you the choice, Hanna. The only way to give you the choice not to hurt people is to put you in a situation where you will never have to hurt anyone again. And at least for the next two years..." Neena trailed off and took a moment to get her emotions under control. Every teenager in the world everywhere thought they knew how to handle their own lives, and Hanna wasn't a normal one. She could probably actually handle her own life to some extent, but not in a way that was conducive to helping her grow.
And the pushing people away comment was a low blow. She bit her lip until it was a bit bloody on the inside, and shook her head, "No. I love you. You're my daughter, and I love you. I wanted you more than anything in the world and losing you put me into a depressive hole so deep I thought I'd never crawl out of it. And I'm not going to lose you again. I want you to grow up into a beautiful, strong, intelligent woman who can concentrate on things besides this nightmare she's been living in for the first half of her life. And I know you can't be her if you're here. Do it for me if you won't do it for yourself."
There were tears running down Hanna’s cheeks. Her burger was left uneaten and cold as her appetite was gone, and it felt like the little world she’d been building had collapsed in on itself. “I just want to be normal again. ..but I wanteds to be normal with you.”
She wiped at her eyes. “I found a mother who was strong and beautifuls and smarts and better than anything I’d ever hoped for. Now I am losing that.”
"Hey, now, you're not losing me. I'm still your mother. My name's even on the birth certificate. Pretend it's like... going abroad for a few years to find yourself. I'll stay in touch, we can Skype, and call, and text, exchange emails. Send me pictures, I'll send you stuff - like care packages, and come visit when I can, even." Neena encouraged. But she was going to stand her ground on living with Dani and Shepard. The normal Hanna wanted was never going to be found in Orange County.
Hanna chewed her lip. "There has to be a way to talk. And I want to know what goes on with people. And I guess Alana can't comes..."
That was the second worse part to Hanna, after not having Neena. She really liked the Hawaiian girl. "When am I leavings?"
"No, Alana can't come, but there's another girl just a little older than you that's going along. Maybe you two will make friends." Or other things that were more than friends. Ellie knew all about how to be normal, as far as Dani had indicated to her. And Hanna could maybe teach Ellie some restraint.
Neena wasn't really holding her breath on that one, and she doubted that either Dani or Shepard were, too.
"Her name's Ellie. You might have seen her posting on the network here and there. And we'll definitely talk, even when you're in space."
A pause and then, Neena replied, "The end of the month."
“But that’s in ...that’s not enough time!” Time for what, Hanna wasn’t sure, but it felt like there just wasn’t enough time to do anything in such a short period. She rested her face in her hands. “I’ll probably hates her.”
"It's plenty of time. If you take too long it's just going to hurt even more. And hey, don't think like that! I bet you'll get along just fine. You're a really sweet girl and you make friends pretty easily. It's just usually those friends aren't your age."
Neena waved for the check. Hanna wasn't going to finish eating, but she'd get it wrapped up to reheat later on. She couldn't blame the kid. It's why she'd waited a while before she even brought it up.
Hanna didn’t say anything, and she wouldn’t say anything again for a couple of hours. Not until they were back home in Orange County, and she curled up against Neena on the couch out of the blue, and whispered, “I love you."