Anakin Skywalker (chosentofall) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2014-05-05 19:39:00 |
|
|||
Entry tags: | !complete, anakin skywalker, obi-wan kenobi, padme amidala |
Who: Obi-Wan, Anakin, and Padme
When: April 20th
Where: The Skywalker Home
What: Anakin drags his ass home
Rating/Warning: Lowish, talk of the events at the end of ROTS
Status: Complete
Anakin had to roll the window down in the back of the cab on his way home, the car too small and the walls too close. It didn’t do him any favors though. In fact it seemed only to irritate his cough, he was nearly doubled over when he got out to pay the man he was coughing so hard. It had started with those dreams, the ones on Mustafar where he and Obi-wan had battled, the ones where he was cut down and burned and put into a mechanical suit that breathed for him. He’d hated them, every moment had been hell and he woke up like a man who had been through it. He had screamed and blown out nearly every window on that floor, they hadn’t realized it was his scream that had done it but they still strapped him to the bed and sedated him. The cough had started after that sedation and they had done a few tests and simply concluded it was psychosomatic.
Anakin himself swore he could feel the ash in his lungs, that they were still burning. Maybe it was all in his head, but it still hurt.
He gasped for breath for a moment and when he finally caught it he straightened to his full height, heading for the door. His breath wasn’t coming exactly easy now but he wasn’t going to let himself come off like some pathetic creature in front of his fiancee. Since she had become pregnant it had become important to him to prove that he was a strong man that could provide for and protect his wife and children. A man like that didn’t have breakdowns just because a few dreams, he didn’t let a few dreams drive him crazy even if they were completely horrific. A man like that walked tall and apologized and got back to his life, that was what Anakin was going to do.
Inside he shut the door behind him, quickly ripping off his hospital bracelet and shoving it into his pocket before he called out, “Hello? Anyone home?”
The annoyance and anger had been building in Padme over the past few days. Anakin had disappeared and only called once. She was afraid to get too emotional about it and stress out the babies, so she did her best to try and pretend it wasn’t happening. But she was starting to get to that breaking point where she was going to scream if he didn’t come home soon. She didn’t care so much that he ran off as she was hurt by the fact that he thought he had to run away to deal with whatever this was and couldn’t just be around her and Obi-Wan as they all tried to figure it out. She had her own shitty dreams coming up soon as well and she certainly wasn’t going to run off and hide from everyone in her life.
So, like usual she was off in her office area and trying to get caught up on some files from her new job. Things were certainly busier than they had been at her previous job, but she was really enjoying the new place. Tony Stark was a pretty awesome boss. When she heard the voice in the entryway she debated for a moment if she wanted to ignore it and make him find her, but she couldn’t do that. She got out of the chair and may her way to where Anakin was. Her left hand rested on her bump and her face was almost an icy mask as she turned the corner and saw him in front of her, “I see you still know where you live. That’s a good thing, I guess.”
The conversation beginning upstairs was muffled through the floorboards, but Obi-Wan didn’t need to hear every word to know what was happening. He’d sensed Anakin as he turned the corner on the street. It had started his heart pounding, for Padme’s sake, and his own. They’d had more than one conversation over their disappointment (putting it mildly) over Anakin’s decision to ‘run away from home’. Obi-Wan had no doubt that he would return, but he had not expected it to take so long.
He was in the basement at the moment. At one point, it had been his workshop. He had gone down to consider starting up again, but Anakin’s return had cut him off at the pass.
“They wanted to keep me for observation.” Thank goodness for his amazing insurance, and the fact that they hadn’t caught on to the fact that it had been his Force scream that broke all those windows. Explaining what he had done to his car as bad enough, he didn’t want to have to explain that as well. “They said I’ll be okay, I just need to sleep. They even gave me some sedatives.”
Which he would no doubt be using to sleep on the couch at least until Padme couldn’t see her toes anymore, he was sure of it. He could feel Obi-wan close, sending the man an acknowledgement and affirmation that he was staying through the Force. They had a few things to talk about, Mustafar and what came after, Padme’s death and the fate of their children, but it could wait. Padme needed to shout at him and be angry and to get it all out. He owed her that much.
“Padme… I’m sorry.” He slipped his hands into his pockets. “Everything- I thought that if I wasn’t close enough to hurt you I could get a handle on it all and come back and everything would be fine. But the dreams got worse and I stopped sleeping and I… I let it get the best of me.”
“That’s not an excuse, Anakin. You’re twenty-four years old. You’re about to become a father and a husband. You are not allowed to run away from your problems. And certainly not when Obi-Wan and I are here and willing to talk through anything and everything that concerns you with your dreams. I can’t take this. It is so completely selfish if you to disappear and barely say anything to me. Anything could have happened to me, Anakin! Anything could have happened to the babies and you wouldn’t even be there for it,” her arm clenched a little more protectively around the growing bump as she bit her lip. Her face was starting to go rosey with anger and she could feel the tips of her ears burning. Her voice was starting to raise and she almost felt like she could cry as well - hormones were such a bitch.
Her peaking anger was like a wave through the Force. Obi-Wan looked at the door overhead, wondering if it was a good idea to join them, or if it would only make matters worse. There was little hope of holding Padme's fury at bay, regardless. He was having a difficult enough time with his own. Accessing his calm side had been difficult since Faiza's death. At the moment, understanding Anakin came easy, but so did wanting to give the boy a good swat.
“And I could have done anything to you, to Obi-wan, to the twins. The things I saw myself do… He hurts you, Padme. I. I do physical harm to you. Or I did. I massacred those in the temple, I nearly killed you, I tried to kill Obi-wan. I saw all of that, felt what that version of myself felt. I didn’t feel I could trust myself not to do something to harm you.” He couldn’t meet her eyes, instead he gazed at the floor but wasn’t really looking at it. “I’m not saying it’s some kind of excuse, I know I was wrong to try to shut myself off, to stop sleeping and make you worry like I did. But at the same time I’m glad I wasn’t here, that I wasn’t next to you when I had these dreams.”
He had to swallow hard as he looked back up to her but the lump didn’t go away. “I threw my car into some trees and then at the hospital I screamed so loud that it smashed a bunch of windows. I didn’t mean to do any of it. I was so angry and upset and I just… unconsciously lashed out with the Force.” His throat was beginning to tickle again and he couldn’t fight the impulse to cough, at least turning his head away and coughing a few times against the back of his hand. When he calmed he swallowed again. “I’m still afraid that I can’t protect you from me, but you’re still the most important person in the world to me. I can’t be without you.”
“Obi-Wan and myself are capable of taking care of ourselves. I know what you do in the dreams and I know you’re truly not that person. You’re better than him and that’s why I’m so mad that you ran off - that’s something he would do. You may not have trusted yourself but we trust you and if you started to get out of hand there are three lightsabers in this house right now,” she pointed out to him with a soft sigh as she listened to him talk about what happened while he was gone. She couldn’t believe that things like that had happened to him and that he couldn’t even tell her or Obi-Wan until after the fact.
“I’m sorry that happened to you, Anakin, I wish I could have been there for you. That’s what this is - a partnership. I want to take care of you as much as you want to take care of me. I just want you here. I don’t want you potentially injuring yourself because you’re scared. I can’t handle the stress of you disappearing like that. Stress is not something I want to have while I’m pregnant, Ani.” At least she was starting to use his nickname and that meant her anger was starting to lessen, but she was still frustrated as hell with him.
Obi-Wan could feel the change, the anger ebbing from her. He breathed a sigh of relief and finally determined to make his entrance. Surely, Anakin already sensed he was there.
He climbed the stairs and quietly opened the door, not wanting to draw too much attention to himself. He took a long look at Anakin, taking in the face of the little boy the was still present in his features at times like this, when he was most vulnerable. Obi-Wan felt his own anger drain, as well.
She was right. Of course she was right. She needed him to be stable, to be her rock as she dealt with the ups and downs of her pregnancy, and to be her partner in all things as the husband he was going to be. As hard as he had failed and seemed to be failing in so far he wanted desperately to be all that she needed him to be. He wanted to be the safe, peaceful young man that Obi-wan had always wanted him to be. He swore he was going to try harder, that he was going to do better for his children, wife to be and his dearest friend.
“I know, Padme,” he glanced to Obi-wan a moment giving him that apologetic expression as well before turning his eyes back to the mother of his children. “I’m so sorry. I promise you, it won’t happen again.”
Obi-Wan could feel the oaths that Anakin was swearing to himself. He hardly needed the Force to sense them, too well did he know that look in his padawan's eyes. The master's own head fell to his chest. Sometimes, it was as if the two of them had a symbiotic relationship. Their main aim was to keep the other alive. Obi-Wan worried that looking at Anakin too intensely would bring out a flood of tears and he didn't want to trigger it. He stuffed down what remained of his anger.
"We're just glad you're home and safe. "
Padme didn’t need to turn her head to see Obi-Wan coming into the room. Having him around the house was making her quite attuned to his presence now and she was just thankful that he was around to help calm Anakin down. She accepted his apology and knew that deep down he would do his best to try and keep that promise to her. She stepped forward so she could place his hands on her stomach and nodded when she heard Obi-Wan’s comment, “We are very glad about that. Please don’t run away again.”
He let her lead his hands wherever she wanted them, pleased when they were placed on her belly. His children. He owed them better than the lives he had set before them in that dream world. He was going to be there for him and so was Padme, he would do everything within his power to make sure of it. Hopefully he would be wise enough now to avoid the pitfalls of their dreams, he knew he would need both of their help for that.
“Thank you for looking out for them, Master.” he said to Obi-wan as he sank to his knees in front of her, looking to him for a brief moment before he turned his eyes back to the gentle swell of Padme’s belly. Obi-wan would have done it anyway, he was a good man and he clearly loved Padme as well, but still, he deserved all of Anakin’s praise and thanks.
Obi-Wan bowed his head with a nod and moved to make his exit, back into the basement and the workspace with its faltering purpose. This moment between Padme and Anakin was more intimate than he was comfortable sharing. He would speak with his padawan another time and he would wait for it to present itself, rather than push it. Anakin had put himself through enough. He didn’t need his master’s steamrolling sense of propriety further flattening him out.