Mai is bored out of her mind (justtakethebear) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2012-06-27 19:17:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, iroh, mai, zuko |
Who: Iroh, Mai, Zuko
What: Iroh anecdotes, Mai and Zuko go out on a date. Feels.
When: Over the weekend sometime.
Where: Various places in OC.
Ratings/Warnings: PG-13? Language, mostly.
Status: Complete!
Zuko was hard at work, planning, and plotting. He didn't have time for Complicated Emotional Bullshit. He had a criminal take-over to plan. WIth Elektra putting the fear of god into some of the competition (and working to shut down trafficking in the area) he could concentrate on actual expansion and smuggling routes. And not the way Mai smelled. Or looked. Or sounded.
Whatever.
Except that he was totally concentrating on the way Mai smelled, looked, and sounded. Iroh could tell. There was a certain look in his nephew's eyes and sometimes even on his face, when he was thinking about the young woman in question.
He'd taken it upon himself to serve the tables that Zuko was supposed to be taken care of, as it was obvious the boy was lost in thought. But as the day went on and Zuko was still staring at his computer screen, he stopped by with a cup of tea, and a cell phone.
"Zuko, you have been staring at that same screen for 30 minutes. And look, your finger is typing the same letter, repeatedly. If you do not call Mai and speak to her, I will have to dial the number myself."
"What? No, Uncle!" That would be horrifically embarrassing! He looked down at his screen, then hit save and closed the laptop. In truth, there was really only so much one could do with documents and spreadsheets - he'd have to do footwork tomorrow.
Zuko snatched the phone from his Uncle's hand, "She doesn't want to talk to me."
"I do not recall ever hearing her say that," Iroh rumbled, and gave the young man a look, "She told you that you had her phone number, and then went to join her friends. If she did not want to speak to you, I believe that conversation would have gone differently."
He shook his head, "Young Zuko, women are complicated, but that does not mean they aren't worth the effort. Think about the structure of the society she just moved here from. Think about the tea ceremony."
"What does that have to do with anything?" Zuko shot his Uncle a confused, angry look as he stuffed his laptop into a bag. He genuinely didn't understand. Maybe he didn't want to.
"The tea ceremony is a very structured affair, and being served tea with such a ceremony is an extreme honor. There are specialised tools for this event, some handed down through the family. Everything must be in its perfect place, or you dishonor yourself, your guest, and the spirit of tea ceremony itself," Iroh began to explain, while stuffing his hands into his sleeves and giving Zuko a longsuffering look.
He had really hoped that his nephew would look it up, or at least pay attention to the things that happened here in this very establishment.
"Every movement, perfect. Nothing out of place, and nothing much to be said, except for ceremonial sayings. You do not bend tea ceremony to your own personality. Tea ceremony bends you. Even the face of a server must remain a polished smile. For one who serves tea, there is no pain in the knees from kneeling so long. If hot water splashes and their hand is burning, there is no grimace of pain."
Too late, Zuko realized what he had invited his Uncle to do. More stupid stories. He knew about the tea ceremony, or at least had watched it enough. He'd just never bothered to look up the reasons. It had seemed pointless, and working here was merely a means to an ends.
Every movement perfect. Nothing out of place. It made him think of Mai, and her masks. It made him think of Azula and her own masks. The two girls were more similar than either probably realized, and even though he wasn't entire impartial to either of them, he could see it. Great, did that mean he had a thing for his sister? Ew.
No, where Mai hid her hurts, Azula twisted them, and turned them onto other people. Where Azula perfection was voluntary, Mai had no choice. Where Azula was freaking crazy, Mai wasn't. Zuko frowned, thoughtfully.
Iroh watched him thoughtfully for a while, then motioned at the phone in his hand, "Be the person to make the first move. I believe that is what she is waiting for."
With that, he picked up his tea tray - with Zuko's cup set down separately - and headed into the kitchen, while humming to himself.
With an annoyed look on his face, Zuko dialed Mai's number.
He hoped his voice was even. He'd rather get in a fight right now. It would be less painful.
Mai picked up her phone without even bothering to check the caller ID. There were few enough people who'd be calling her, and she hadn't really expected Zuko to be one of them. She had a bottle of nail polish in her hand, which she quickly put down to pick the phone up.
"You've reached Mai."
"Hey."
That was all Zuko said, and he left the silence hanging for a moment as he tried to think of something else to say.
"..what's up?"
Because that didn't sound awkward as all hell. Mai rolled her eyes at him, put the phone on speaker, and went back to painting her toenails.
"The ceiling. The stars. The Canadian Dollar."
"What are you up to" He clarified, rolling his eyes. He could envision her painting her nails or some other girl thing.
"I'm surfing the internet for lesbian porn. What are YOU up to?"
Mai smirked a bit, because Zuko was fun to mess with sometimes. She switched feet with a grunt, and got more comfortable before setting in on painting it. She'd never admit to painting her toenails pink. Her other nails were immaculately manicured, but usually in a plain french manicure sort of way.
"Finishing up work." He rolled his eyes at her comment, "Yeah, because you being a lesbian would really piss off your dad."
His mind went places. Involving Ty Lee's bendiness and Mai.
"...you aren't are you?"
"It would. Maybe I'll become one."
She waited a bit, while his last words hung in the air between them, which gave her plenty of time to finish applying her first coat of nail polish. Finally, she screwed the cap back on for now, and shook her head. Zuko never changed, but it wasn't like she had, either.
"No, I'm not. I'm just doing disgustingly cute girl things. Don't mind me." Her monotone was difficult to read over the phone, but she might have been joking.
"If it involves Hello Kitty, I don't want to know." He'd caught Mai with a goth Hello Kitty once. He'd been sworn to secrecy but he liked teasing her about it when he got a chance. It was one of the few times he could get away with it, "You busy later?"
"It doesn't involve Hello Kitty, zu zu."
She snorted, and flopped back against her pillow, taking the phone with her, "That would depend on why you're asking. What, did you want a date?"
There was a long, long silence. So long, that maybe the call dropped.
"Yes. I'd like to talk to you without my sister and Ty Lee being influences."
"For a minute there I thought you walked off to punch the wall," Mai teased him, without even changing her tone of voice. But she blushed a bit at the idea that he was asking her out somewhere and wanted to see her alone, so she decided to have some mercy.
"... I hope you didn't. You have nice hands, you need to stop ruining them."
"I was upset," Zuko replied, tightening his jaw. He tried to force himself to relax. She didn't sound sarcastic there, "I was hoping we could talk. You deserve something nice to eat, that's not pretentious."
Aka expensive as fuck.
"Are you going to take me to McDonald's?" Mai sounded amused by that idea, like it'd be the most ironic sort of place to find the Fire General and his ...
Well she wasn't his woman. She wanted to be his right hand. But she wasn't his woman, damn it. She didn't need to be.
They weren't mutually exclusive. Or mutually inclusive. She could be both, one or neither, as far as he was concerned.
"Well not that cheap. How about in and out?"
"We're going to be dining in style."
Mai bent down and checked her toenails to see if they were dry. She didn't want them smudged when she got her shoes on, and she didn't want to admit that it was a brand new paint job and she'd picked the color out specifically because it went with a new blouse she'd picked up.
"You picking me up?"
"Yeah. Dining in style. Wear something nice." Not that he had to ask, she always wore something nice. Something perfect. It was always nice when she wore something nice that wasn't perfect.
He changed his mind, and added, "Or if you want to piss your dad off, wearing something scandelous."
"It's like you think that's my sole motivation," Mai snarked, while pulling a blouse out of her closet that high society would take serious issue with. Fuck high society, is what she said to that. Her father was still trying to get her to come home, maybe scandalizing him would get him to ease off for a bit.
Making his jaw drop would be another? He hoped? He was after all a man, and she was a very attractive woman. Who confused the hell out of him.
"Sometimes it seems like it."
"Pot, kettle. Kettle, pot. Of the long Island pots. Oh, Mr. Kettle, how very pleased I am to meet you," Mai quipped. She rustled up a pair of skin tight jeans to wear and tossed them on the bed.
God, he loved didn't hate this woman. In fact that came out, "I don't hate you."
Zuko pinched his nose and let out a long sigh, "I'll pick you up in twenty."
"I'll see you then, I guess," Mai sounded like they were discussing the weather and not, in fact, discussing him coming over there to pick her up. She had a LOT OF GETTING READY TO DO with the 20 minutes he'd allowed, so she didn't want to stay on the phone much longer.
"I don't hate you either," she added, finally. Her tone seemed a bit softer, and she followed it by hanging up on him.
He'd be ten minutes late, because he knew she'd take longer than necessary to get ready. All he had to to was pull his fingers through his hair, after all.
He just wished he'd stop getting mixed signals.
But Mai was the queen of mixed signals! All of the signals bowed down to her in worship, regularly.
It took her precisely 20 minutes to get ready, however, because being punctual was a thing she'd been trained to do since she was 8 years old. The next 10 minutes were spent waiting outside on her front steps for Zuko to arrive.
He pulled up in a nice sports car, and actually had the sense to get the door for her. By leaning across and opening it. From inside. And then pushing it enough to be slightly ajar.
"My knight in shining armor," Mai mumbled, in response to his hard work. She got into the car and buckled up, then looked him over. He smelled good. Why did he always have to make this so very hard? Couldn't he just stop being so attractive and well dressed and generally wonderful to look at?
She was going to blame Iroh, it was his fault. He was way too classy an old man and he'd probably taught Zuko how to be somewhat classy, too. God, she hated her life.
Iroh was probably the one positive influence in Zuko's life, besides his mother. And his mother often spent a lot of time being sad. He didn't think she'd gotten over his father. Or maybe she was sad for him and his constant efforts to appeal to his father, but he didn't like to think about that at all.
Putting the car in gear, Zuko pulled out and floored it. He shot Mai a grin.
Ursa had been devestated by the divorce and further devestated by Zuko's continued need to seek out his father's affections. Mainly because she was scared for him. She was convinced that Ozai had completely forgotten how to feel. He'd made her daughter into a monster, on top of that. These days she rarely left the house. Iroh took care of her as best he was able.
But that story, while related to the story of Zuko and Mai, was not actually the story of today. Today, Mai was in Zuko's car, and watching the world fly by as he headed to the nearest In and Out burger chain.
Zuko pulled into the burger joint and parked. He didn't want to go through the drive-thru. He didn't like drive-thrus. Too easy to get trapped. And he didn't want burger crap in his car. So he parked, and then got out. It was finally safe to oogle Mai, without risking an accident. So he did.
Mai allowed herself to be oogled with the sort of air about her that implied that he was beneath her awareness of him even doing so. Then she fixed her hair, and looked at the burger place. She couldn't believe they were headed in there. This was kind of funny.
"Let's go."
"I've eaten here before. It's not bad. Uncle likes it. As long as we don't eat as much as he does we'll be okay." Zuko patted his belly and grinned, "Exercise helps, too." He hesitated, then took Mai's hand awkwardly and led her in.
The awkward handgrabbing was allowed for now, though Mai looked down at it for a moment, as if she was trying to decide if hand-grabbing was her enemy or her friend.
"Smells good, at least," she commented, as they headed inside. It wasn't the sort of place she'd ever be caught dead in, which was probably among the many reasons she was there right then. Zuko was more right than she was comfortable believing. When it came to her parents and her motivations, pissing them off was always on the list.
She looked over the menu as they got closer to the counter.
Can't a guy touch the girl he's into in a non-sexual manner without being looked at like he was a creep? Apparently not! Not that she was looking at him like a creep. And she hadn't pulled her hand away. Girls were weird.
"Their hamburgers are some of the best. So are their fries. You can get stuff special ordered too." The thing Zuko liked about In and Out? No nonsense, no wierd crap. Just burgers and fries.
"Well I'm here, might as well forget my diet," Mai snerked, and pointed at a burger that a customer had just received, "That looks good. I want that."
The burger appeared to have 3 stacks of beef and was extra cheesy. She was going to be sick as a dog later, but that was completely alright. It would be worth it, and she hadn't had anything that fattening to eat in forever.
"Like you need to lose weight? I could see your ribs, Mai." Despite his ribbing, Zuko raised an eyebrow. That thing was huge. He wasn't sure it would fit in Mai's mouth. He shrugged a shoulder, "Two of those then, and we can share fries."
For drinks? Shakes. Because they might as well REALLY ruin her diet.
Ladies were prim and proper and never over a size 4. It didn't really matter if her ribs were showing or not. She wasn't sure if they were, actually. He might have been joking. She'd probably inspect herself in the mirror later, but at the moment - especially in public - she pretended that his comments had fallen on deaf ears.
The burger would, in fact, fit in her mouth. As Zuko was about to discover.
Well, other things could fit in Mai's mouth, but Zuko wasn't THAT clueless and thus? Didn't make the joke. He didn't want to be stabbed. Because he knew she would stab him.
That didn't stop him from staring as she nommed on the burger. Or take a picture on his phone. For blackmail later.
Jerk ass. She would so stab his phone if she found out.
The fries were delicious, too, and the chocolate shake was just about the closest thing to heaven. She managed to eat like a lady, though, even in this setting. Which is not to say that she pretended she couldn't eat another bite, but she ate daintily in small bites and took her time.
Zuko, naturally, was done a full five minutes before she was, and got to spend a lot of time watching her while munching slowly on fries. Did she ever relax? Ever ..cut loose and have fun? Even when he'd taken her to that dance she had seemed so tense.
"So..."
She relaxed behind closed doors where no one could see her, sometimes. More often than usual since she'd moved in with Azula and Ty Lee. But out here where the whole world was still watching? Not a chance in hell.
She finished her last bite and cleaned her hands carefully with a napkin, staring down at her fingers instead of looking at him, "So."
He watched her for another moment, wrestling with his own insecurities and issues.
"About..Osaka."
Really? Right here, in front of everyone? Really!? She wanted to slap him.
"...It was a nice trip," her tone was steady, and years of training forced her eyes onto his as she spoke, though she'd rather be looking just about anywhere else.
Zuko's eyes dropped. Despite her steady tone he got the impression of a bit of ice on her words. It wasn't like there were people leaning over to hear their every word, and if they kept their voices low...
Ugh, this was probably a bad idea.
"Yeah. It was."
"...You can't keep putting your fist through the wall," she added, in a whisper. He'd dropped his eyes away, which made it alright if she looked down at the table, or people-watched, or just sort of stared off into space while drinking her milk shake. Not that 'zoning out' was a ladylike thing, either.
If they wrote a manual on her mother's guidelines to acting like a lady, it would be over a thousand pages of idiotic rules.
Two thousand four-hundred and fifty-two, to be precise. Azula and Ty Lee had once sat down to write it out. They gave up after about two hours.
Zuko's voice was quiet, dejected, "I'm sorry. I'd never aim it at you, you know? I was just frustrated."
"How am I supposed to know that? What happens if you get so angry that you can't even..." Mai frowned. They were having a real conversation here, damn it. She didn't want. And she realised she'd been more worried about than she previously let on. That didn't even make sense. No one in her family had ever hit anyone else. She had no innate fear of violence.
"... that's stupid." She finally added. Her admonishing tone was directed at herself.
Zuko took Mai's hand. He handn't realize that it had bothered her that much. He hadn't even been thinking about hurting her. He just needed vent his frustration. And maybe hurt himself for being stupid enough to think things had changed. They hadn't, had they? So why was he holding her hand, "I would never hurt you, or Ty Lee."
"I would probably never stab you," Mai looked down at the hand he was holding. Her tone was a bit playful, in a way that was supposed to imply that it was more likely she really wouldn't, but wanted to hold it over his head just in case.
"Just aim for something that's not vital," Zuko replied, giving her a lopsided grin. He still wanted to talk to her, of course. But maybe here wasn't the best place. He had to sort out just..what they were going to be. There was too much tension to just be friends.
That was a talk that Mai definitely would not have right there. It seemed, to her, that he was becoming increasingly aware of that fact, however, and there was no need for her to say it.
She lightly moved a finger to subtly caress at his hand, though, "I'll try to be careful."
Zuko shivered. He suddenly got up and tossed the trash away, before taking her hand and leading her out of the In and Out. Where one Rita Skeeter would take a well timed picture. But that was unknown, and he opened the car door for her, holding her eyes for a very long moment.
Because that isn't awkward at all, is it?
"... Is there something on my face, Zu zu?" Mai sounded like the breath was being whisked out of her throat, even though she was trying to sound grumpy over the look he was giving her.
Score one point for Zuko, there was the tiniest of fractures in her usually guarded expression.
He touched her cheek, and then kissed her forehead, before helping her into the car. Once he'd closed the door he sagged against it for another long moment, before coming around to the other side. Getting in, he started the car and drove off. So they needed to talk..
Why didn't his throat work?
Probably for the same reason that Mai couldn't even look him in the eye right now. The cheek touching, the forehead kissing. Those weren't 'I want you in my bed' gestures. Those were real, deep down, 'I care about what happens to you' gestures. The forehead kissing was even a little protective.
Not that she needed protection, but still. It made her feel things. She wasn't sure how to respond to that.
They drove in silence, some generic band playing on the radio. Zuko didn't even remember when he'd put the radio on. Mostly to have something to break the silence. Fill the air with some sound so they didn't have to. He finally pulled into an overlook, the ocean in front of them as the sun set. This was entirely unintentional on his part.
It was a nice view. Mai wondered if he'd planned this somehow. She had no idea that he hadn't.
He'll take the credit for it. Or at least realizing the timing. Maybe. Sort of. In a way. He shut the engine off and leaned back into his seat. Talking. They should talk. He still couldn't open his mouth for fear of sticking his foot squarely inside it. He just knew anything he said right now would come out wrong. So he watched the way the setting sun played on her face.
There were so many unsaid words between them that if words were actual things making trails as they walked, there would be goat trails by now. Literal dents in the land between them, of unsaid things. Mai didn't even know where to start. She wasn't sure he'd understand even if she did. It would have been so much easier for her to push him away again and make him hate her.
She didn't want to do that. Instead of watching the sunset, she looked down at her hands.
Zuko didn't know where to begin either. Which word, which sentence, which feeling. So he took her hand, and tried to catch her eyes with his. He knew one thing - he wanted her at his side - and he didn't want her. He didn't trust his father. He wanted to hate his father.
There were so many things about his father, and the dreams he'd had. His other hand touched his face, expecting a scar.
He was scared for Mai, "I'm really confused." For once, not because of anything she'd said or done.
Mai hadn't had any of the dreams that her close friends seemed to be experiencing. She certainly wasn't walking through walls or making fireworks or fire out of her hands or anything like that. She wanted to say they were all crazy, but Ty Lee wasn't crazy at all.
"...why are you confused?"
"Conflicted maybe. I feel like you should be..at my side. In everything. But my father is a ruthless man. He made Azula. He makes her look like a child. I know I can show him who I really am, but I don't want him to hurt you, to get to me." For all his issues with Azula, he was certain she would never hurt Mai, at least.
"... I don't want you to have me at your side because your father wishes it," Mai said, without hesitation. It was almost like she'd already thought through the same line of thought before, several times.
Almost 3 times a week, while lying in bed and waiting to sleep or throwing daggers at things.
"I want you to be. And I don't want you to be." He felt petulant. Like he didn't want to give his father that victory, even if it would please him. He knew it would please Azula somehow too, and that also grated on him.
But he did want...What did he really want?
"I don't know where my wants begin and his end any more."
"Maybe you should find out," Mai squeezed his hand, and her voice was entirely serious. There wasn't any monotone, or sarcasm bending it in any direction.
She glanced at him and added, "My father's been arranging this since I was 8."Sarcasm bending is her forte
"Would it be something you wanted? Even if it might please him?" That was a fear of his. It had always been. That her interest in him was because she was pushed into it. To be the good little girl for the dignitary to weasel his way into power. Ozai is a powerful ally. And if when push came to shove, what she really wanted for herself.
Did that make the two of them pawns in their fathers' game of chess? Probably. Could they even fight back, in their own way?
That was exactly the problem. She wanted to have Zuko because she wanted it, and she didn't want her father to win. But Oma would win the second she and Zuko were even boyfriend and girlfriend. She'd always been extremely torn. What was she supposed to do when her motivations and her personal desires went in opposite directions?
"...The problem is that it pleases him. Not that it's you."
Zuko opened the door of the car, and got out. He hit the lock so that Mai's side opened, and then came around to open the door for her. He didn't want to have this conversation sitting in a car. Not when there was a beautiful sunset over the ocean they could look at without the windshield in the way.
Taking her hand, he helped her out, "How much do you do things because it hurts him, and not because you really want it?"
"I don't know, Zuko. I can't always seperate it."
"Maybe you should try. And I know I'm beint pot right now, but I can't help it. It's like we have the opposite problem." Zuko smiled tightly, "You want nothing to do with yours, and I want everything to do with mine."
He was lucky though, and he knew it. His mother wasn't the domineering bitch hers was.
Mai's fingers caressed against his hand again, while she took some time to try and think through what he was saying. If she was honest with herself, there was no seperation. Every single act she'd ever taken on her own, without thinking of her father's career, without simply doing what she was told, had been about rebelling, or trying to take some control over her own life.
Even the knives. Especially the knives. Sleeping with Zuko before marrying him. She'd be absolutely worthless in any political dealings now. Society might have changed and progressed but there were still plenty of places where virginity was still important. She hadn't cared.
She looked out at the sky, watching the way the sun reflected in the ripples, "Who were you trying to please when you slept with me?"
Except that it had bound her to Zuko, in a fashion. That could still benefit her father. Both of their fathers. Zuko wasn't thinking about that. He didn't want to. Mai would be a 'good' choice to marry. Even his father would have to approve. He might have some choice words on the means or the method, but there was little about Mai to object about. It would gain him a powerful ally in government, one he virtually owned, as well.
Zuko cared more about his own heart, and Mai's. He didn't want to play politics when it came to this, even if he could think of any number of ways she could benefit him in the Fire Nation.
Damn, he couldn't separate things either, could he.
"You," He said, softly.
"I can't tell the difference," Mai admitted, in a tone that almost managed to sound like an apology. She meant it that way, as she continued, "I want to say it was you. But I don't know if I can."
The sun had started to sink further and further into the ocean, turning an almost blood red before it disappeared entirely. Mai never took her eyes off it, even though it burned its way into her retinas so badly that she could still see its imprint on the horizon long after it had set. She couldn't look at Zuko, or meet his eyes.
"But I liked you. I liked you, and I hated that I liked you. I wanted you, and I hated that I wanted you."
I love you, it drives me crazy that I love you.
"I never did anything when it came to you, for my father, or my sister. I wanted you. Want. For me and you. It feels like there's this sword over our necks, ready to drop and cut our heads off."
And with each night, and the recurring dreams, that feeling became stronger. He reached up to touch his face again. His scar was a part of him, and it was missing.
"It really does," Mai agreed. She pulled her hand away from him then, and crossed her arms over her chest, tucking her hands into her sleeves and against her body. It was like she was hugging herself, and perhaps she even was. But the sleeves hid that away from the world, which was among the reasons that she enjoyed wearing long sleeves that didn't taper off at the end.
She felt delicate and fragile and vulnerable, and she didn't want him to see her that way, "You drive me crazy. You make me feel... You make me feel."
Zuko started out of his reverie over his scar. His honor. Honor. He filed that away for later thought, turning to stare at her as his hand dropped to his side. There had been emotion in her voice, and in her words. Anger. Accusation. Something else.
She looked vulnerable. Fragile. Zuko pulled her into his arms, not trusting his voice. He wasn't sure he could make words.
She didn't really want him to hold her like that. That would mean that she really WAS vulnerable, that she really DID need comforting. It would make her feelings about him somehow final, in a way she wasn't sure she even knew how to deal with. Nothing about her feelings surrounding him had ever been easy. When she could find them. She was the first person to admit she often couldn't.
Pulling away, though, that wasn't an option, either. He'd take it the wrong way, just like he had the last 10 times before. So instead, she just stood there, letting him hold her, and not moving to stop him or stab him.
It was a small victory, but one he cherished. With Mai, the very fact that she didn't pull away, even if she hadn't leaned against him, spoke volumes. Zuko loved her. But he couldn't say it, could barely allow himself to feel it. It only took a cutting remark from her to slash crosswide across his heart, after all. As much as, or even more so than his father, Mai could hurt him with a word or a look.
He wondered sometimes if he hurt her. He thought he did. Any normal person would feel it. Mai just never showed it.
Zuko spent a lot of his thoughts about Mai reminding himself of that. He wanted to force her to admit it, to him, "It's not wrong to need someone."
"It's not wrong to feel."
"I don't need you, and it IS wrong," Mai whispered, and shook her head. Her words lacked her usual cutting tone, but it still sounded like she was lashing out.
His words went against everything she'd ever been raised to believe, and she felt like he'd somehow slapped her across the face. Her face almost literally stung, though she'd never been slapped often enough to really know what it felt like. Was he trying to CHANGE her? That wasn't for him to do.
For once he let them wash over and bounce off of him. It was her tone, and the way she still remained in his arms, even after saying them. She hadn't pulled away, and that was the biggest sign. He wasn't trying to change her. Needing or feeling things didn't imply change, just acceptance.
Zuko wanted Mai to accept him, "I need you and it's not."
She let the words sink in for a few seconds, instead of making them instantly deflect off of her and go ignored, which was her usual mode of operation when it came to him. She hadn't pulled away yet, and she still didn't, while she took the time to process this information. There wasn't a way for her to make him understand why he was wrong. At least about feeling things. She couldn't tell if him needing her was a lie he made up to get close to her, though, or if it was true.
That was a lie. She knew him. She knew it was true.
Why couldn't it be false? That would have made everything easier.
"I don't..." she sighed, and rested her forehead against him, "I don't know how to handle this."
"Neither do I," Zuko admitted, letting out a long shuddering sigh. "This is kind of new territory for us."
One of his greatest weaknesses, Azula had told Mai once, was his inability to be disingenious. Zuko was a terrible liar. He wore everything on his sleeve. It was why their father hated him. It was one reason among many why he'd never recieve that love he so craved.
It wasn't entirely true though. Zuko could dissemble, and mislead. He wouldn't have earned his place otherwise. It was necessary for strategy. But when it came to emotional matters. When it came to his family (and both Mai and Ty Lee were part of that family) he just couldn't.
It was why he looked down at her, emotions writ on his face.
The look on Zuko's face threatened to crush her with the weight of his emotions. Mai found that she wanted to stare at it forever, but she couldn't stand it. It was like he was beautiful and terrible all at once, one of those things that you wanted to stare at anyway, but that would make you blind for doing it.
Eventually she had to tear her face away, too moved inside by his emotions to be able to handle her own. Which had welled up, like freshly found oil that had nowhere to go but up, and nothing to keep it in check.
It was at that point that she pulled away from him, for her own projection, though her hand remained in his. The expression on her face before she stopped looking at him was all he needed to see to know he'd hit some kind of emotional goldmine, for good or ill.
Zuko's face was a bit like the sun, right now. Something one wanted to stare at knowing it might make you blind. Or rip your heart out.
Before she'd looked away, there had been some tears trailing down her cheeks. Automatically, Zuko moved his hand to catch them and brush them away. The catch them because they were something rare and precious. To brush them away because it was like Mai's emotions were leaking out.
"Mai. I'll never tell."
"Oh, you'll never tell?" She repeated his words back at her with all the deadly precision of one of her throwing knives. He'd never tell? That made it alright, then? Just like that?
He made her so FURIOUS sometimes. She worked her mouth open and shut, tears still spilling out of her eyes. Tears that shouldn't even be happening in the first place! And they were ruining her eyemakeup and giving her headache, she probably looked a complete mess, and he was still STARING at her.
"What are you looking at? Why do you have to be so... so... YOU!?"
Zuko stared at her. He wasn't sure what he'd done! He was trying to be romantic. He meant about her tears, about....anything she wanted, really, but mostly the tears, "I thought..I was trying to.."
He was backpeddling. Not physically, but emotionally and verbally. And then he stopped it and stared at her in complete disbelief, "What does that even mean?! Doesn't the fact that it's been drilled into your head that this is wrong make it right?! Everything you've ever done is because you haven't been given a choice! Make a choice for yourself! Even if...even if..."
He couldn't finish those words, because he didn't want to say them. Didn't want to be ripped open and flayed emotionally. Instead he hugged her against him tightly.
She didn't want to BE hugged against him tightly, not when he was ripping HER open and flaying HER with his remarks about ... everything at all that was wrong with her, that really WAS wrong with her. And how did he even KNOW that's what the problem was? Who had told him that? If it was Ty Lee she was going to kill her.
"HOW," she punctuated that by beating her fist against his shoulder, "DO YOU," again, another punctuation, and at least her hands had no knives in them, "KNOW THAT!?" A third smack, and then she realised that she'd raised her voice at him, she'd actually YELLED at him, and that felt like the most terrific thing in her life.
It almost made her want to start laughing hysterically. Ladies didn't do that. Was she still a Lady? Did she even want to be?
"It doesn't take a rocket scientest to find out!. I've watched you since we were kids! I may not know 'whatever' from whatever or whatever but I can see what they've done to you. What they still do to you! Why do you think it pisses me off?! I saw you smile once and I've tried so hard to get you to smile ever since!"
It cut through to Zuko that she was yelling at him. Really yelling. Really upset, angry, and it was boiling up and out and then he had her face in his hands and was kissing her.
She had every intention on continuing to yell at him, the way he was acting, but all of that tipped sideways when he kissed her. Though at first, the reason she wasn't screaming at him was because her lips were muffled by his. She made a war out of it for a while, letting the anger spill over into attacking his lips with her own.
Zuko gripped Mai to him, stroking hands down her side and then threading his arms around her torso. He attacked back, countering and nibbling but mostly letting her funnel the anger into him. It was a different kind of kiss, one he can't really recall ever experiencing from her.
The war waged on for quite a few minutes, until all the fight had been kissed out of her. There wasn't any point in pretending, at that point, that she didn't have emotions of some kind - her face was a mess of tear lines, and she looked utterly exhausted from the effort of feeling anything at all - so instead, she put her head on his shoulder, and took comfort.
Zuko held her for an indeterminable time. His lips hurt. Maybe they were bruised. He thought he tasted a little bit of blood, but said nothing about it. He must have bit his own lip, "I can't promise it'll be okay. But I can try."
"I can't promise anything at all," she replied. But her tone was soft. Like she was trying to sort things out in her mind to a place where she could, someday.
Zuko kissed her forehead softly, "That's better than no hope."