Anakin Skywalker (chosentofall) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2014-04-10 21:38:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, anakin skywalker, obi-wan kenobi, padme amidala |
Who: Obi-Wan, Anakin, and Padme
When: The day after losing Faiza
Where: Obi’s cabin
What: Anakin and Padme offer help and consolation
Rating/Warning: High for sad (TW: Refers to violent events and death)
Status: Complete
Long after the sun had set, the cabin was still dark. As a Jedi, Obi-Wan didn’t necessarily need a lamp to guide him from room-to-room, and since he’d been lying on to sofa for several hours, his senses hadn’t much entered into it. He was aware that night had fallen. The sun set at the edge of his field of vision. But he day drifted through him with each breath, while he stared through the ceiling and moved in and out of sleep.
The house was as quiet as a tomb. As still as one, as well, except for when Bjorn shuffled to his water bowl. Otherwise, he pushed his head up into one of his Master’s hands, hoping for a comforting pat. He alone responded to the noises outside, pointing toward the door with each snapped twig, occasionally taking a look out the window. As the night grew longer and darker, the boxer began to whine, and the crying intensified with his confusion and concern, until it was a wail.
"For God's sake!" Obi-Wan at last snapped. He rolled over on the sofa, turning his back to the door. Bjorn fell silent. "Please. Please... She's not coming home."
Anakin had felt the bombing when it happened. It wasn’t uncommon for Jedi to feel such things, even here where the universe seemed to work differently, the Force was still disturbed and rippled out to all those who were able to feel it. It was strong enough and close enough that Anakin had dropped what he was doing and searched the latest news feeds for information. He hadn’t been able to focus on anything else after that, he even called Padme and spoke to her about it for a while in hopes that she would either calm him down or get him onto some other topic. It had worked for a while but then the other shoe dropped.
Something else hit him. It hit him hard enough for him to lose his breath and stagger until he found a wall to lean against. It wasn’t another attack, it was Obi-wan. It was Obi-wan grieving hard enough that Anakin knew someone was dead, someone very close to him.
And he honestly didn’t know what to do. This was something he couldn’t fix.
He went home to Padme that night and shared with her what he had sensed, how he was still getting twinges of grief and pain from Obi-wan and that he was overwhelmed by it all. He had confided in her that it felt like Qui-gon all over again, that he had felt Qui-gon’s death all over Obi-wan once he returned to Naboo. Obi-wan had dealt with it mostly privately then, as a Jedi should, but even then Anakin could feel it in him. He hadn’t been able to do anything about it then, he knew he couldn’t fix it now. The next day Padme had suggested calling him only for them to receive Obi-wan’s message. They didn’t have to talk about it, they merely shared a look and started loading up, Padme replying as they did so.
Soon enough they arrived at the cabin, Obi-wan’s feelings hitting him anew now that they were closer to each other. He wrangled the dog as they got out of the car, “Why Obi-wan?” he muttered more to himself but she could hear him clearly, grumbling about it all like he could take on the universe and right all the wrongs done to his master. “Everytime he loves someone- It’s wrong. He’s a good man. He doesn’t deserve this much pain.”
“I know. He doesn’t deserve it and I’m upset that it had to happen. She had so much going for her and their life together was just starting to move in the right direction. This is going to be hard, Anakin,” she reached over to grab Anakin’s hand and stopped him before they got to door, “He doesn’t have to be a stoic Jedi and withhold his emotions. He’s going to be raw.” She knew Anakin had dealt with life in his life and in his dreams, but Padme didn’t have much to go off.
It was also going to be strange seeing this older man grieving so openly. But that motherly instinct was starting to kick in and she just wanted to take care of him. She was considering Obi-Wan as someone who was more family than her own family sometimes. The hand holding Anakin’s moved both their hands to her stomach and they rested there for a moment. Her other arm was carrying some food despite his protests and she was trying to mentally prepare herself for what was going to happen once they walked through those doors.
Bjorn was only quiet for a matter of minutes before he kicked into high gear, scratching at the door, and soon enough he was barking, as well. Perhaps he could smell Artoo. Anakin and Padme’s voices, though muffled, had sounded their arrival. Obi-Wan had sensed them while they were still driving up the road, but it wasn’t until Bjorn went into a tizzy that he knew for certain that it hadn’t been part of a dream. What time was it? How long had he been lying there?
When he sat up, the room spun for a second or two, as the blood rushed from his head. Obi-Wan swung his feet over and onto the floor. He grunted and rubbed his eyes, and realized he was still wearing the undershirt and boxers he’d worn to bed the night before. He’d intended to shower before they arrived, but the hazy afternoon had slipped by. Obi-Wan couldn’t recall when he’d last eaten, either. “Damn…” He felt embarrassed to answer the door in such a state.
Securing Bjorn by the collar, he did he best to calm the dog. “Steady, boy. One of us has to be presentable. You’ll have to play host, I’m afraid.” With a deep breath, he finally opened the door. Anakin and Padme would be the first visitors he'd accepted, and he was both desperate for and terrified of their affection.
Anakin knew he was raw. He had felt it through their bond for nearly a full day now. It was sort of the nature of their bond. Whenever Obi-wan was upset or hurt he could sense it, even when his master stuck to that outward calm and stoicism that the Jedi preached. The man wasn’t a droid, no matter how hard the Order tried to make him behave like one. It had been the basis of more than a few of their disagreements, Anakin would posit that holding in emotion and denying it was unhealthy, Obi-wan would remind him that self control was vital for all, even those not of the Order or endowed with the Force. Given what Anakin was eventually driven to in his dreams he found he couldn’t exactly argue with him, but he hoped there would at least be some middle ground here in the waking world.
After thirteen years of spending nearly every waking moment together in their dreams he wasn’t bothered by Obi-wan’s state of dress beyond the obvious implication that he was understandably too upset to do anything but grieve. Really he took Obi-wan being out of bed at all as a good sign, clothes didn’t matter so much and he knew Padme wouldn’t be bothered by it either. If she had her way she’d probably offer to help him dress, such was how strong her maternal instinct had grown since she became pregnant. He let her go first, taking the food from her as he knew she would want to hug the older Jedi.
“Master.” he said in greeting, keeping Artoo securely under his arm as the dog kicked his paws wanting down to inspect Bjorn as much as Bjorn wanted to inspect him.
It was probably the fact that she actively saw a man in his boxers and undershirts every day now, but she wasn’t really bothered by Obi-Wan’s state of dress. It was almost to be expected when you were hurt this badly. If Anakin had died she would probably lie around in sweatpants and a t-shirt for a long time. Instead she was much more concerned with his well-being and stepped forward to take him into his arms and give him a proper hug. She wanted to hold him in the hug as long as she could and absorb some of his pain, but she knew that wouldn’t be possible, so she slowly broke the hug and took a step backwards. She reached over to take some of the items from Anakin so the men could properly talk as she let Artoo down to distract Bjorn.
Hugs? Obi-Wan had never been especially good at them. In a manner that suggested some deep emotional injury, they had always been accompanied by discomfort: awkwardness at the very least, and pain at worst. He hadn’t been lying when he’d told Anakin that he’d envied his ability to love so openly. In fact, right now, he was struck with regret over failing to give the boy a brotherly embrace on so many worthy occasions. Or how when he suspected Padme was carrying Anakin’s child, he’d kept himself tightfisted when some deep, hidden tick of his old heart wanted to feel the baby kick.
And yet, even as Padme wrapped her arms around him, Obi-Wan felt more like he was taking his medicine than allowing himself to enjoy their love.
He reached for the lamp on the table and gave the little knob a twist, bringing light into the room. It seemed safe to let Bjorn go. The two dogs began to play as if nothing was amiss, but kept close to their owners, as if they still sensed something might be. “Thank you for coming,” said Obi-Wan, as he scratched his beard. In his light clothing, the slighter-than-expected frame Anakin had teased him over was more obvious. Or perhaps he was already showing signs of not eating.
He didn’t hug Obi-wan. Not that he didn’t feel the man needed it, but his master had never been one for physical affection or reassurance, at least not as much as Anakin himself was. He had always assumed it had been a Jedi thing as none of them generally had experienced the love and affection Anakin had in the years he had with his mother, but there were plenty of Jedi who hugged. Obi-wan was just different and he offered comfort in other ways, usually through proximity or quiet conversation, but he always did the best he could or his padawan who in general needed a fair bit of comfort and calming down. He had an undying respect and love for his master because of it, and that was likely why he felt putting a warm, comforting hand on Obi-wan’s shoulder was enough for the time being.
“Yeah, we’re always here for you, Obi-wan.” he gently squeezed that shoulder before letting go of the older man. “How are you? Have you managed any food or sleep?” He knew well enough how Obi-wan was emotionally, it was coming off him so strongly even Atton could probably feel it if he was receptive. Anakin was more concerned with the physical for the moment, it was the easiest to fix and in situations like this he always looked for something he could fix.
“I did bring food despite you telling me not to. At some point you’re going to get hungry,” she explained to him as she made her way to the kitchen to set the stuff down. She may have made a little more than necessary, but she didn’t expect Obi-Wan to want to cook for himself for a while. This way she could make sure he had something to eat until the next time she was able to make some food for him. She almost wanted to make him come live with them or her move in so someone could keep an eye on him. Going into the kitchen allowed her to give the men some time together where she wouldn’t be hovering because she knew they would probably be able to discuss better without her around.
Obi-Wan considered protesting. He didn’t want Padme to go to the trouble when he had no appetite. But now that he was finally off the sofa, his body was woozy from lack of food, enough so that it was better to sit down again. He gestured for Anakin to join him. “Actually…” he called over his shoulder, while giving his temples a massage, “...I could use some coffee more than anything, if you don’t mind putting it on.” Everything was easy to find on the countertop. Obi-Wan drank a fair amount of the stuff. All of a sudden, he had a splitting headache for going cold turkey.
With a long breath meant to clear some of the cobwebs in his head, Obi-Wan looked at Anakin and smiled the sort of smile one uses to reassure a friend and usually fails to do so. Neither one of them were strangers to loss, and both of them knew it was a lie that the older Jedi was the stoic he aimed to be; Anakin and Qui-Gon had seen to that, over the years. In fact, the Council had warned him to temper his feelings almost as often as they scolded Anakin. But, in the end, he’d proven to be a Jedi with attachments that could not be undone.
And he’d been in love more than one time in his life. Perhaps never as passionately as his padawan loved Padme--not since Siri had effectively locked up part of his heart--but he had known emotions most Jedi dare not toy with. Obi-Wan had always accepted it would come with a price. Truth be told, he had come to see most good things that way.
He began to tell the story. “Faiza had texted me in the morning, telling me that she was leaving to help after the first bombing. I was ready to meet her there, but things got out of control at the Ranch. The children were frightened. ...Who could have expected there would be more than one attack at the same location? It never occurred to me that I was running out of time. Shephard--she runs the Ranch, she was with Faiza--she told me that Faiza had an opportunity to save either herself or a child.” He smiled again, it was very slight. “Fazia didn’t stand a chance.”
After sitting Anakin leaned forward, elbows resting on his knees as he listened to Obi-wan. He knew what the typical Jedi response should have been he had heard it so many times he could recite it in his sleep. Take the time to celebrate the life of the person you’ve lost, accept their death and let them go. He had never liked that speech. He simply wasn’t built that way. He loved deeply and intensely, at times even obsessively, he couldn’t just shut that off. Obi-wan may not have burned as hot as he did, but he knew he loved just as deeply. He couldn’t give him that little speech, it would have done nothing but upset him.
“I didn’t know Faiza was well as I would have liked, but she seemed like she was a good woman. And in the end she made the choice you know we all would have made.” Obi-wan, Anakin, Padme and even Atton, they all would have done the same. It was simply how they were, Jedi or not. It wouldn’t have made him feel better if he were in Obi-wan’s position, but if it had been Padme that died he would have been proud of her. “I’m so sorry she had to make that choice.”
While Obi-Wan and Anakin sat in the living room she puttered in the kitchen for a moment as she tried to find his coffee, mugs, and get his machine running. She was more than happy to make him anything because it meant he was putting something into his system. While the coffee was brewing she put away some of the food into the fridge and some into the freezer so he would have it for later. The dogs ran by her legs as they chased each other and she sighed gently to herself as she leaned against the counter.
This was such a horrible situation and she wished she knew what to do exactly for him to make him better, but there wasn’t such a thing. The most she could do for him right now was make coffee and offer heartfelt sentiments. Once the coffee was done she poured him and Anakin a cup and brought them out to the two of them, “Here you go.” Once the men took their mugs she moved to sit by Anakin.
Obi-Wan turned his attention to Padme. She was beginning to show signs of her pregnancy. Not much around the middle, but certainly in her face; it was an aura. Now that there was light in the room, the glow in her skin was obvious. She looked maternal and pretty, and for some reason it was a comfort to the old man. But he had also turned his eyes toward her for another reason. Padme knew something about Faiza that Anakin did not, assuming she hadn’t shared it with him, though Obi-Wan would have understood if she had.
“To be perfectly honest…” And then Obi-Wan took a long pause. He silently worked his jaw as he wondered just how open he wanted to be about certain aspects of his relationship with Faiza. There were thoughts on the tip of his tongue that threatened to haunt him if they weren’t released.
“I feel...guilty. Let me explain. She and I had a few difficult conversations shortly before…this...about where our relationship was going. She was so dedicated to her work, I occasionally wondered if what I hoped for wasn’t more than she could give. Am I being too vague? She wasn’t sure she wanted children. She always seemed to want more ‘time’ whenever we talked about marriage. It’s possible… that when I heard she was going to the bombing scene, and I had the opportunity to go with her or stay, I may have chosen the wrong thing.”
For Obi-Wan, it was always about one’s point-of-view. There was always more than one lens through which to view one’s motives. Unfortunately for Obi-Wan, he was a cynic.
Guilt was pretty much Obi-wan’s default emotion, at least according to Anakin. He could understand it of course, after their talks about what would happen in their dreams he could understand why Obi-wan would blame himself even if Anakin said he shouldn’t. It wasn’t at all a surprise him at all when he said he felt guilty about something he likely shouldn’t have.
He thought it over a moment, his hand falling to Padme’s knee for a moment to give her a gentle squeeze in thanks before it joined his artificial one wrapped around his cup. “You weren’t to know what was going to happen, no one knows the future, not even us.” Which was a bit rich for someone who often had prophetic dreams and had the Force constantly whispering to him and showing him things before they happened. But it was unreliable at best, he would always say, after all he hadn’t sensed the attack until after it happened. “You couldn’t have known. And no matter what uneasiness you might have had in your relationship you wouldn’t have let it cloud your judgement if you had known. But you can’t feel guilty, you’re not responsible for any of it.”
“Exactly what he said. She knew how much you truly loved her and how much you wanted to start that next chapter of your lives together. She was selfless and you should continue to enjoy the fact that you loved someone like that. Her memory will never go away, but you need to make sure you don’t blame yourself or get too down in the dumps over a future that never happened. She wouldn’t want that,” she pointed out as she rested a hand on her stomach. She could see that Obi-Wan would be capable of dwelling on the fact that he didn’t know if they were going to get married or that they hadn’t gotten married. It was a hard thing to deal with, but he needed to not let that cloud the memories of her.
Obi-Wan brought the coffee to his lips rather than immediately reply. He let the silence speak for itself. He was stubborn about everything. Believing there was nothing he could have done better would be no different, unfortunately--although it was possible that Anakin and Padme were the only two who could out-stubborn him. Thinking about this made him feel…safe, oddly enough. If he fought them, they could take it, and that was reassuring. They wouldn’t allow him to fall to pieces, or if they did, they would dutifully sweep him up afterward.
But it did trouble him that, despite what Padme said, there was no way to ever know what Faiza truly wanted or would have done. He’d never allowed himself to read her. Meanwhile, the strange habit of canonizing the dead said more about those left behind than the deceased. In the end, he’d always remember the wall that had existed between himself and Faiza. They’d always been ever so slightly out of sync. But, by the Force, had he loved her! Padme was right. He ought to enjoy the fact that he had spent a brief portion of his life with her. It had been a gift.
“Did you ever think the three of us would be sitting together, having any sort of conversation about my personal life?” He smirked a little. “Thank you. For coming. I know… I know that it’s going to be alright, again. Eventually.“
The smirk was a good thing. It had to be. Anakin wanted to cling to it and point to it whenever he needed to be sure that Obi-wan was going to be okay. And Obi-wan had to be okay, he absolutely had to be. “We might have set ourselves the five year goal of excising the Jedi parts of you.” He wasn’t entirely joking. He was doing something similar. He couldn’t shut himself off from the Force, it ran through every cell and fiber of him and it was impossible for him to ignore, so he had to accept it. But he was living by his own code now, with lots of heavy inspiration from the Order, just with a great deal of what did not work cut out. Mostly the parts that had to do with emotional constipation. “The first step is taking the time to talk about feelings and personal lives.”
He glanced to Padme a moment before looking back to Obi-wan, “It… It takes time. And no matter how much time it takes we’ll be here for you.”