"...Sometimes I think I shouln't be here..." Who: Vanyel and Castiel. Then Dean. Where: The Nut Ward! When: I think this is before Cas’s dream. We’d originally had two convos going here until we realized breaking them up was better for reading. What: A meeting and conversation and such. Van was doing music therapy and met Cas on the way out. Then Dean comes by. Note: Consider this Van’s Swan Song of sorts. He just isn’t working well for me in the modern setting!
Vanyel sighed and shouldered his guitar as he started to make his way out from the psychiatric kids’ ward. He’d been visiting there as a potential distraction and/or ally for a little while now, since he’d gotten a notice about one of his students having had to go in for a suicide attempt over the winter months. The kid in question was doing better now, but he’d continued to go ahead and visit there after having gotten drawn in to some of their stories and problems.
After all, he’d been in a place a lot like this when he was their age, and he knew how scary it could be, especially when you didn’t have a lot of choice about it. Being here as an adult wasn’t any better either, but, well, he hadn’t been able to work a schedule time around them yet, so he’d started with trying to do musical based therapy of a sort at that age group, and hoped someday he’d expand on it. For the moment though? He was heading out of the ward, trying not to let himself be too disturbed by the stories he’d heard today. It was fairly typical that you got them but today’s? They took him back, and well, he didn’t like it. Which made him distracted as he made his way down the corridors, and he forgot to even smile at the staff, the way he usually did.
Sigh.
Castiel had taken up residence in one of the seats in the psych ward waiting room. It wasn’t nearly as far a trip as he usually took, but he wasn’t really in the mood to go very far. The medication he was on still made him lethargic, two of the people he usually visited on other floors were gone as of yesterday --one had died, and the other had been discharged-- and, well, he was lonely. Even the angels in his head weren’t very good company at the moment; they weren’t loud, but they sounded angry.
But he had sort of wanted to be out of his room, so he’d forced himself out of bed and down the short corridor. Now that he was sitting down, though, he couldn’t really imagine getting back up. Sigh.
Vanyel turned the corner and headed out into the waiting room, and then noticed someone sitting there who looked, well, not like he was feeling great either. “First time?” he asked, then paused. “Right. That was probably rude. You just...look completely overwhelmed by the whole thing. I’ve been in one of these places three times now.” he added, coming closer. “It...doesn’t get any easier.”
He looked up and frowned a little. “Do I really look like that?” he asked, genuinely curious. One of the nurses had told him he looked tired, but he’d sort of ignored her, which he didn’t normally do, so maybe he *was* just tired. Still, he hadn’t been able to sleep, so there was that to consider.
“I don’t mind it here, I just...” He glanced away; he shouldn’t complain, and certainly not to someone he didn’t know.
“Hey, no worries about me telling on you or anything.” Vanyel told him seriously. “I don’t do that kind of thing for one, and b, I’m not on staff or anything. I just, you know, know what it’s like and it’s kind of hard even when they’re amazing. I mean, I know the people here are great but it sort of...doesn’t fix things either.” He added, with a little smile.
“And you look, well, I don’t think I’d recognize it if I hadn’t felt it.” He said, offering a hand. “I’m Vanyel and I basically come in to try to get the teenagers calmer about being stuck here and maybe get their feelings about it straight. I mean...it can be a really freaky thing, being on the nut ward.” He finished with a little smile.
He took Vanyel’s hand and shook it, then let his own fall back into his lap. “I’m Castiel...” he said with a little sigh. “I...I just don’t like the pills they’re making me take,” he continued, a little more quietly. “They make me not want to do anything, and that’s all they do.” They didn’t stop the angels and they didn’t make him less anxious during tense situations, so why was he taking them? He wanted to ask, but he was too afraid they’d get angry, so he just kept quiet. Mrr.
“Oh God.” Vanyel said, groaning already. “Those are never fun. Med adjustments and it always seems like they don’t want to listen until you’ve tried the whole proscribed trial month or whatever it is.” He shuddered. “I hate it when they make you basically a zombie too.” Poor guy. “And everyone’s trying to be nice but they just don’t understand...” And he gave Cas a sympathetic glance. “The good news is, eventually they get it, but the bad news is you have to keep insisting every time and that gets old really fast.” Pause. “Especially when they’re able to make you think you really are crazy.”
He shook his head. “I tried telling them, but they said I wasn’t giving it a chance; they sounded angry. I don’t want to fight. So I just...do what they tell me.” Sigh. “Sometimes...sometimes I think I shouldn’t be here, but they wouldn’t keep me here if that was true.” Right? They couldn’t just keep people in here for no reason; what would be the point?
“Well, technically unless you’re a suicide risk, you’re able to sign yourself out when you feel ready.” Vanyel pointed out. “Sure, they’ll say it’s against doctor’s orders or whatever else they want to tell you, they’re legally obligated to do that but...sometimes you know yourself a little better than the doctors do.” He’d done the homework one time, when he’d been pretty sure his family was trying to get him commited for good. It hadn’t worked. Or really happened but he’d checked into it and sort of knew what he was talking about. “As for the not wanting to fight, well, it’s more that it happens faster if you do it. Sometimes that doesn’t work for everybody and that’s okay too.”
Castiel frowned at the hands in his lap. “I don’t like conflict...and I’m...I don’t know if I want to leave. It’s safe here. Out there, everyone’s angry, shouting.” He shook his head again and sighed. What would he do if he left? Everyone would just be mad at him because he wanted to hide all the time. That would be awful.
“That’s true,” Vanyel nodded. “Sometimes the real world, out there, it can be tough. Not always, and that’s the thing. There are usually ways that they’ll try to help you with that here. Getting you ready to head back out and all, without having to worry about people being angry all the time. I’m not really one for conflict either.” he admitted. “Not when it doesn’t matter about something.” He seemed to find himself dealing with a lot of other people’s conflict but that went with the territory of his work, and well. “They have medicine that actually helps more with that than anything else too. It’s one of those chemical imbalance things.”
He was kind of surprised that hadn’t been broached here yet actually. The hospital was supposed to be more of a crisis stop as far as he knew.
He glanced sideways, watching a few people pass by. “That’s...not why I’m here. I...they think if I just talk about what happened, it’ll help with that, but I don’t want to talk about it.” Sigh. “The medicine is to make the angels stop talking to me.” Pause. “Well, they aren’t really talking *to* me, just...I can hear them, but I don’t understand what they’re saying. Right now they sound angry; I wish they wouldn’t...”
“Oh...” Vanyel nodded slowly at him with that. Okay, he hadn’t expected that one to come out of there. “Right. I can see that being a concern for them if they think it’s most alarming but...they aren’t telling you to be destructive are they? Because that’s one of the few bad signs I can think of that has to do with things like that. You know the Bronte sisters had this whole world of people they talked to that wasn’t there and no one thought it was all that weird or unusual?” That was kind of his teacher voice there, oops. “Anyway, I’d maybe bring up the other parts when you talk to the doctors here. They’d know how to help.”
Shrug. “I don’t know what they’re saying. I’ve already told them I don’t, but...” Things like that didn’t seem to be too important when you admitted to hearing voices. “I just hear them, that’s all; it’s some other language. Sometimes they’re all that keeps me company; I...I like hearing them. I don’t really know if I want them to go away or not, but I guess they should, since it’s not normal...” Mrr.
That semeed to be secondary to the guy’s real issues, actually. Vanyel wasn’t anywhere near a shrink or anything but he did have a little bit of psychology as required by teachers and all, and well, he knew how to recognize bigger issues rather than smaller ones that threw people off there. “You know.’ He said, thinking out loud. ‘This is kind of rude and invasive and presumptive but...it’s sounding to me more like there’s something going on with your tuning instead of the soundboard. Metaphorically speaking I mean. Like the voices seem like the bigger problem but it’s actually not so much that as...you seem like you’re under a lot of stress. Stress can make you do some crazy things. Believe me, i was on a field trip last week that kind of had ME acting crazy by the middle of the day and I’m medicated and everything. It...blows things up, really. I wonder if that’s maybe why you’re having problems.”
Pause. “Again, sorry. Not really my place to dive in. I tend to forget not everybody’s a student who wants me to go all Glee inspiring on them.” “I guess so...” It made as much sense as anything else, really. He never used to be this way, and, ideally, he wanted to get back to normal, voices aside. But he couldn’t just tell the doctors they didn’t know what they were doing, or insist they let him leave. He couldn’t. Just the thought of it made him cringe a little. All he could do was hop e they eventually figured it out.
Or told him he had to leave. One of the two.
Poor guy. Vanyel felt for him, he really did. “It’s hard to figure out how to say this kind of thing too.” he said, “I mean, you don’t want the doctors thinking that you’re going to be one of THOSE patients or anything. I hope they can figure out something that works for you soon.” he added, and meant that. “This place is, well, it’s not bad, and nice and calming but...” Shrug. “Not home or anything.”
Speaking of home... “I’m not...keeping you or anything, am I? I mean, if you were on your way somewhere, I don’t want to stop you...” He’d be fine on his own, and stuff. After so long, one of the nurses would even come out and take him back to his room, so there was no need to worry he’d get stuck in the waiting area.
“Nah, nothing yet.” Vanyel was quick to assure him. “I don’t have much going on at all, really. Need to swing by and pick my nephew up, but that’s not for a couple hours so.” he gave him a little nod. “I’m pretty much free.”
He nodded a little, and then looked back down at his lap. Mrr. “I’m not very good company today, I’m sorry.” It was sort of sad, really; he liked getting visitors, especially since he didn’t get very many, and he wanted to think that they’d come back to see him again, but... Not much incentive when he was like this, was there?
“Hey,you’re just fine company, considering.” Vanyel gave him a little smile. “I just sort of, I don’t know, wish I could help more since I’ve kind of been there. But...” he shook his head and sighed. “It’s kind of hard to find something to say that helps.” He was just sort of...drawn to people who needed help, if that made any sense.
“You don’t have to worry about me; I’m fine,” he said, glancing up again with a small smile. No, really. A lot of the other patients had serious problems and needed help. Castiel...wasn’t so bad off. He wasn’t a danger to himself, really, or to other people, he wasn’t a suicide risk. He was just...crazy, apparently.
Well, but there were degrees of crazy. Vanyel knew that, and well, he was worried most about the ones who were relatively normal who people treated more like they were gonna run around naked or something. He’d hated being treated that way himself. “Well, I’m glad to hear that anyway.” he said, smiling back.
Mostly, Cas just ignored that sort of thing, though it was getting less and less the longer he was there. He supposed that the longer you sat around being completely harmless, the more they laid off the constant prodding and checking. After all, if that wasn’t true, he wouldn’t be allowed out of the ward by himself, would he?
So, yeah. He was fine. It could be worse, right?
Yeah, yeah it very well could. No one had him down in restraints or anything. Okay, so Vanyel had only been in those the one time, and they’d shot his ass full of something that knocked him out for days when he’d tried to kill himself while in the ward. Before shoving him into the padded room. That had been kind of horrific, so he was glad other people were being spared that sort of thing.
Also, the kiddie psych ward had kind of sucked ten years ago. Good thing they’d all seemed to have changed.
Yeah, Dean wouldn’t have been caught dead in the sort of psych ward that was creepy or anything. But this one? It worked really well for him. Well as a visitor anyway. He was coming to see Cas now in fact, with a couple of talismans and some soothing candles that hopefully Cas would be able to use. He poked his head into the waiting room now and gave Cas a little grin. “Hey.” he said, nodding to him. “Oh wow, sorry you have a visitor.”
“No problem.” Vanyel gave him a little nod. “I’m actually just kind of hanging out, so I can totally leave you guys to visit. Maybe I’ll see you again some time.” he told Castiel with a little nod.
Castiel looked up at the sound of Dean’s voice and gave him a small smile, and then waved to Vanyel; he wanted to say something about how Vanyel would know where to find him, but that seemed tacky. So he didn’t. Instead he turned his attention back to his new visitor.
“Hello, Dean. Did you come to see your friend again today? He’s still doing all right, isn’t he?”
“Bobby’s out, actually.” Dean told him, grinning broadly. “Came to see you if that’s okay of course. Are you doing okay?” he looked a little...well, not good. “I brought some stuff that might help you feel a little better, actually. “ Little smile on that, like he was kind of awkward here.
Vanyel glanced at them both, smirked a little and decided they should, you know, be alone for a little while. Coupley? He didn’t think so yet, but...maybe. He’d better just tiptoe out of here and let them do their little thing. Whatever it was. Dean was kind of cute and awkward and he’d just..leave him to that. Giving them both a little nod, he stood and then headed out with a little wave. Aww...