I suppose it might, but it sounds like you don’t want another friend but a mum
Who: Alice and Rachel What: goodbyes of sorts When: 3/22 Where: Rachel’s place Status: complete Rating: PG
Alice knocked on Rachel’s door, humming to herself and rocking on her heels. She’d put on her favourite trousers with her most revealing top and was hoping that Rachel might take the hint. Not that she’d be hinting. She’d straight up realized that she’d made a mistake in pushing the redhead away. She just hoped she hadn’t screwed everything up.
It felt like everything was all screwed up, and Rachel didn't even know what she wanted anymore. Alice was a rare and amazing person, one that Rachel had thought she might even love. Now, everything felt horrible and up in the air.
The knock on her door made her stomach flip-flop. She let out a breath and opened it, trying her best to keep up all of her mental shields. She absolutely didn't want to intrude into the blonde's personal thoughts.
"Hey! That smells really good," Rachel said, as she opened the door.
Alice smiled brilliantly. At least she didn’t puff out her chest or anything. She was feeling flirty, not stupid. “I’m glad you think so, I spent twenty minutes waiting in line.”
She chewed on her lower lip and held the food out. “May I come in, then?”
"God, did you really spend twenty minutes in line for me?" Rachel opened the door wider and stepped aside so that Alice could get through, trying not to feel guilty.
But she did. Alice seemed to be here for more than just bringing an ailing friend some relief. And she'd waited in line for Rachel, she was being nice, "I don't deserve that, you know."
“Don’t deserve what, good greasy food? Don’t be daft.” She rested a hand on Rachel’s arm. “There’s always room for greasy food, I think. Pity it’s not British.” Rachel was tense, something Alice picked on immediately, and it made her nervous. This whole emotions thing was putting her through the ringer.
"I'm not sure how you make greasy eggs more British, but I'm sure you'll tell me." Rachel smirked a bit, trying to make herself feel lighter inside somehow. This wasn't really a tense situation, but she really did feel like a wound up coil or something.
She motioned towards her bedroom, "If there's forks in here we can just go straight to my room... I hope there's enough for two. I really don't want to stuff my face while you watch, that's pretty rude."
“Chips,” Alice said, with more cheer than she was really feeling. “I got myself a few things, since it’s more polite to eat together than not.” She followed Rachel through the living room, fighting a growing anxiety with every step. They’d used to be so relaxed together.
The way things were... were really not how Rachel wanted them at all, that much was definitely certain. She wanted to be at ease with her friend, at least, "Well I guess you could have added an order of fries, but they wouldn't be the same..."
British chips always evoked mental pictures of chunky-cut french fries, fried a deeper brown and sprinkled with salt and malt vinegar. She'd never actually had them in herself - she'd never been to England in her travels - but she'd had a few things that claimed to be close, "Here, pull up a tray!"
Rachel motioned to one of the tv trays in her bedroom and let Alice get comfy before shutting the bedroom door behind them.
Alice tugged at some locks of her hair. She had many regrets, the chief of which was ever breaking up with Rachel. But they hadn't been a thing, so was it really a break up? If they'd never been together...
The blonde made herself comfy, and tried to settle her nerves before they got the best of her. "Thanks. So...how have you been?"
“I’ve been… well, hung over.” Rachel hunkered down with her container of food and poked at it with her fork, “And dealing with telepathy, and Kitty broke up with her girlfriend, so we were dealing with that. Dad’s still dating Ms. Monroe, which is still cool, but she keeps treating me like I’m her equal instead of Scott’s daughter, so that’s like…”
She paused and sipped her coffee. Alice had gotten it just right and she cast her friend an appreciative look before continuing, “... awkward.”
"So I read." Alice smirked little. She liked when people had a good time, though she wished she'd gotten to party with her friend.
"How does it feel to be in other people's heads?" She bit her lip at the mention of Kitty. That meant the brunette was on the market. That mean competition.
"Maybe you need to call her mum once. Just to see how it sounds."
"Oh I don't know about that," Rachel replied, scrunching her nose up a bit, "That might scare her away. Her and Dad aren't like... that level of serious yet I don't think. And even if they were, she might not want to be a mom figure for me, and maybe I don't even need a mom."
The mom she wanted was her real one, but could it even be possible that Jean was still alive at this point? That didn't seem likely. She shoved some eggs in her mouth while she thought. They tasted unbelievably good in her current state, and she grunted.
“I suppose it might, but it sounds like you don’t want another friend but a mum,” Alice pointed out. “What you want and what you need aren’t always the same thing, love.” She was oblivious to the irony of her statement and her desire to get back with Rachel. She reached over and stroked her knee.
"It seems kind of weird to need parents at this age in our lives, doesn't it? I mean... you miss your Dad, don't you? You probably understand how I'm feeling more than some other people would." Rachel accepted the knee patting, and tucked into her food. It was really delicious and she couldn't help herself.
It took a few minutes for her to work through the container of food Alice had brought, and when she was done, she leaned back a bit and picked her coffee back up, "Man. That was really good."
"I do. I always will. He was one of the few people who really got me. I'm a bit eccentric, I know, and he understood that part of life is learning and exploration." But part of life was also learning when you made mistakes.
"I'm glad you think so, love. I'll need to bribe you with eggs more often."
"Part of life really is. I think you probably really take after him. I know that I take after my mom a lot... I have her temper. Dad always brings that up when I'm in a bad mood." Rachel kicked her feet a bit, suddenly feeling forlorn. This wasn't the best subject for them to be talking about, but Alice had always been easy to talk to.
When things weren't incredibly awkward, anyway. She let out a sigh, "I missed this. Talking to you like normal."
“Your mom was beautiful then.” Alice scooted closer. “Me too. I don’t have many people to talk to and all the people I do talk to are strangers. So there are things I can’t...talk to them about.” Like you. Like… well there were her dreams too. She took a breath. “I’m sorry if this is awkward.”
"It's been really awkward for a while. We should probably talk about all of that." Rachel turned her coffee cup around in her hand a bit, unsure where to start. But she just wanted things to be okay again. She wasn't sure her version of 'be okay' was the same as what Alice might want, anymore.
“We probably should.” The Brit put her drink down and folded her hands in her lap. She looked over at Rachel from behind her blonde curls. She decided to lay all her cards on the table and hope that Rachel felt the same. “Rachel, I think I made a mistake. I wanted to explore and I think I had something really good already.”
"We had something..." Rachel winced a bit and looked down at her hands, "It was good, yes. That day, I wanted to talk to you about being something more. I thought that's what I wanted more than anything, and I still really care about you. But..."
She took a deep breath and let it out, "I think it wouldn't have been healthy. I was... relying on you a lot, to make me happy."
“Isn’t that what a relationship is, though?” Alice furrowed her brow. “Making others happy? What’s the bloody point if you can’t make the person you’re head over heels with happy?” She turned towards Rachel. “If I was making happy…how is that unhealthy?”
"Because... it wasn't just..." Rachel took a deep breath and let it out, then shook her head, "The dreams would fade away. All the crappy stuff that was happening, and that's how it's supposed to happen that way, but instead of coping with them or talking them out with you I'd just bury away all my problems in how warm and fuzzy it was to be around you. And that isn't healthy, Alice. It's healthy, and it's not what you deserve."
"I think I deserve what I think I deserve, and that's a wonderful woman like you. You're smart and funny, and you're so..." She waved a hand, then reached over to stroke one of Rachel's face markings. "I know you're going to dream of things I can't follow. But that's okay."
"I'm already dreaming lots of things you can't follow... I killed people. I was drugged, brainwashed, tortured and raped. I got married. My husband died so that I could stay alive to complete a mission. My best friend sacrificed herself for me..." Rachel's voice broke a bit. She wanted to pull away from Alice but it was nearly impossible when the other girl was being so sweet.
And petting her marks. That was a weakness of hers, "Alice... It's only the beginning. The hits are just going to keep on coming. These marks aren't even the only ones I'm going to get."
Alice pursed her lips while she listened to Rachel, and she looked down at her hands. "That doesn't mean I can't be there for you. Mine are positively pleasant. You need someone who can...help take that on for you." Dimly, Alice wondered if that was going to be someone else.
"It doesn't, no, and I'm glad that you're here. I'm glad that your dreams are pleasant and not terrifying or horrible. That gives me a lot of hope. But I have to be able to stand on my own two feet. I don't want to be co-dependent on another person... Not you, or anyone else. I want you in my life because I want you in my life, not because I need you, and... I started to need you." Rachel shook her head, and got up. one of her hands worked up into her hair and ruffled through it while she tried to work her thoughts out.
She also knew, less than dimly, that Alice wasn't her first choice. But she thought it was insensitive and hurtful to say so.
The blonde didn’t look up from her hands. It hurt, and it was disappointing, and in ways that she couldn’t articulate into words. She hadn’t come here to find Rachel, but when she had that spark had lit a fire underneath her, and now it was burning out. She just nodded, wordlessly. She didn’t trust her voice.
"I'm so sorry, Alice," Rachel replied, voice breaking again. It hurt for her, too. Alice meant a lot to her. It was hard to put a label on the place in her life where the blonde belonged. She was more than a friend, but she just wasn't the love of her life.
"It just... it wouldn't be fair to you... I'd only be using you. You deserve so much more. So much more."
“And if I wanted to be used?” Alice asked. She knew the answer already, as soon as it came out of her mouth. It made her sick to her stomach and it made her heart hurt. “What if I hadn’t...broken us up? What if I had realized sooner? Would it be different?”
"I don't know. But I think..." Rachel frowned, and sunk back onto the bed. It probably would have been different, but she couldn't say it would have lasted, "There's no way to know the future. But I think eventually I would have made you very unhappy, and this would hurt ten times worse than it already does."
“I just want you happy.” Alice shifted until she was straddling Rachel. “Wherever and whoever that leads you to.” Then she leaned down and kissed Rachel, her body shaking a little. She needed space. A lot of space. But first she wanted closeness one last time.
Maybe it was a mistake to let Alice kiss her like that. At the time, though, Rachel needed the closeness, too. To reassure Alice that it wasn't her. To reassure herself that Alice wasn't what she wanted, or at least... just to be close to Alice like that one last time.
She didn't really know why she did it, and after the clothing came off, she didn't really care. Alice deserved at least one last shag. She could give her that, and she did.
Alice didn’t ask who ‘Kate’ was, or how she’d heard that stray thought. It hurt. It hurt a great deal, but at least she knew it wasn’t her fault. She could just hope that Rachel could find closure somehow. And that Rachel had someone who could give her what she needed without losing herself. Maybe Rachel needed someone broken enough to be able to put her back together.