InsaneJournal

I’ll be fine, don’t you worry.
Who: Kitty and Rikku
What: Kitty calls it quits
When: Yesterday
Where: Rikku's place
Rating: PG
Status: complete



Kitty rang her hands as she walked up to Rikku’s door. It would have been easier to just say what she wanted to say in texts, but Rikku deserved more than that. Better than her, anyway.

She genuinely felt like this was the right thing to do. She was growing co-dependent on Rikku, and didn’t want to rely on her to be happy. It was too much to put on one person, and unhealthy.

At least that’s what she wanted to say, but she wasn’t sure she was going to be able to get the words out right. Because she felt like an absolute shit when she knocked on the door and squared her shoulders.

Rikku answered the door, wondering why Kitty didn’t just phase through it. But oh well. She had a smudge of motor oil on her face and a soldering iron in one hand, grinning when she saw Kitty. But Kitty looked very upset, so the smile didn’t last. “Hey. Are you sure you’re okay?”

Kitty did like to be polite on occasion. She smiled at Rikku, though it was more of a half smile and it fell off her face pretty quickly. “Yeah. And no. This is..” God Rikku was cute. Kitty threaded her fingers in her hair and shook some of her curls loose. “You’re probably going to want to shoot me with that thing. Can I come in?”

“I can’t shoot anyone with a soldering iron. Of course you can come in.” Rikku’s spiraled green eyes were curious.

“Burn me then.” Kitty flashed her a grin, then stepped inside and closed the door behind her. “What are you working on, exactly? Something new? Or the other thing?”

“The other thing, for Rachel.” Rikku smiled and moved toward the living room, flopping down and returning to sticking circuit boards to other stuff.

Kitty wondered if Rikku would still want to work on that after this, but then she knew the girl well enough to think she’d still do it. And be cheerful about it. She’d rarely seen Rikku down or sad, and she didn’t know how the girl did it. “Jog my memory?”

“It’s a way to keep her stuff on her walls when she’s having TK dreams. I figure we can try to see if electromagnets will keep stuff down.” Rikku smiled, making her give all of her attention to Kitty.

“You’re brilliant.” The brunette grinned, and rubbed her palms on her knees. “Uhm. I’m not sure where to begin. But I really do think we need to talk, and…” I’m going to break your heart. She could say that. It would be true. “I think we should see other people.” She winced.

It wasn’t anything Rikku hadn’t expected. She’d known Kitty was a bit of a waffler when they first met, knew that it was kind of a long shot that they’d ever work out. Kitty was too in love with X’ian still, too in love with Rachel at that exact moment. Rikku had felt lucky to find even the tiniest handhold into Kitty’s heart.

But she hadn’t expected it to hurt when she finally heard the words.

“That makes sense,” Rikku murmured. Instead of meeting Kitty’s eyes, she resumed her work on the electromagnetic locking system. It was easy to bury herself in work.

"That makes sense?" Kitty rubbed at her knees harder, watching the other girl, and then looking down at the floor. "It's...nothing you did, Rikku. But I'm leaning on you too much for my happiness. I'm putting it all on you and that's not fair to you, or to me." And maybe sometimes she felt a little weird sleeping with her because of how cheerful and young she was, even if the age difference wasn't that great, but she wasn't going to say that out loud.

"We both need ...balance, I think. Me more than you."

“Your mind’s too foggy with other things,” Rikku murmured. “You can’t keep all those plates spinning. And my plate was the newest. I ... we can still be friends, right? I’d miss the twins.” Rikku was idly running her fingers over her welding torch, remembering the day she’d bought it with Brother and engraved flowers into the side so it would be truly hers. Why was family so hard to keep?

"Rikku...It's not that either it's..." She closed her eyes, and then pushed her thumbs against her temple. "Yeah. I still want to be friends. We don't have to be sleeping together to be friends, or family. For better or worse you're part of my life."

“It doesn’t really matter what it is, Kitty.” Rikku bit her lower lip nervously, running greasy fingers through her hair. “You’re not happy. You should be. That’s all it is, really.”

For better or for worse made Rikku sniffle a little, and she ducked her head. She didn’t want Kitty to feel more guilty for making her cry.

"That came out wrong." Kitty put her arm around Rikku and squeezed. She felt like such a little shit. "C'mere...You should be happy too, you know. It isn't all about making just the one person happy, it's about both people being happy."

“Oh, I know, just - “ She’d mostly been happy. She’d mostly enjoyed their time together. Leaning against Kitty, she sighed a little to herself. “I’ll be fine, don’t you worry.” Rikku was always fine.

"You're always fine," Kitty said quietly. She just never knew if Rikku was telling the truth, or if the girl was even lying to herself. "It's okay to not be fine." She sniffled. "I just...can't...I care about you, I love you, I just...maybe it's a different kind of love."

Or maybe there was something wrong with Kitty. When her best relationship in her dreams had been Pete Fucking Wisdom, and she kept sabotaging the good ones in the waking world...

"I want you happy, but I can't keep..." She waved her free hand, searching for words.

“You can’t keep giving your heart away so fast,” Rikku murmured. She smiled, turning to look at Kitty. “You knooooow.” She’d been about to say that maybe Kitty could give Rachel the locking mechanism when Rikku was done with it, but she didn’t want Kitty to think that she’d noticed. So she just smiled. “It’s like a new adventure, being one of your besties.”

"Yeah. I'm a big screw up that way." Kitty smiled tiredly, but felt better than she'd had in, if she was honest with herself, weeks. "You always were, but now there'll be less sex between us."

Because that would just lead back to things and wasn't fair to either of them. Kitty? Would just have to invest in batteries for awhile. "We can still do fun things."

“Like invent stuff and go to movies and go swimming and stuff!” Rikku was pretty helpful, really. And she was super good at burying her feelings until she was alone. Pops had helped her hone that one.

“Okay.” Kitty still felt really bad, but at least this had gone better than she thought it could have. She should have known better. Rikku was a good person. Too good a person. She kissed the top of the blonde’s head. “I should...let you work. I uhm.”

“It’s okay.” Rikku smiled and pulled her goggles over her eyes. The better to be teary-eyed with; the goggles made it harder to see. “I just want you to be happy too.”

Kitty knew that’s what she was doing, but she didn’t bring it up, and didn’t point it out. She could do that much for her (ex)girlfriend. “Yeah. I just need to… Yeah.”