Faiza has a big sword (dr_fangirl) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2014-03-14 22:13:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, faiza hussain (excalibur), obi-wan kenobi |
I’d never ask you to give up your life like that. Not for me.
Who: Faiza and Obi-wan
What: Discussing their future together
When: recent
Where: Their cabin
Status: complete
Rating: Pg
To be honest, Obi-Wan didn’t usually follow advice from Kitty Pryde. Actually, to be fully honest, he didn’t follow much advice from anyone. He was more than a little stubborn. Kitty, meanwhile, had a bit of an impulsive streak that reminded him too much of Anakin. But he couldn’t deny that Kitty had a point this time, regarding Faiza. He’d been holding onto the ring he’d purchased for months, waiting for a moment to present itself. It was the Jedi way.
But Kitty (like Anakin) could always find a hole the Jedi’s logic--and if she didn’t find one, she usually made one, much to Obi-Wan’s annoyance. A ring was supposed to be worn. Not hidden indefinitely in a bureau drawer. ...Which was where he was currently standing, staring down the ring as it sparkled and winked back at him.
How does one hint that one wants to propose, he wondered. How could he fish around for Faiza’s desires--which he’d promised never to do using the Force--as Kitty had suggested. He wasn’t always good at being subtle.
Kitty did have a way of being a battering ram, even when she wasn’t trying to be, and she’d adopted a ‘go for the happy while you can’ attitude as a defensive mechanism, so it was no wonder she’d tried to help Obi-wan out. What was the worse that could happen?
For her part, Faiza was unaware of Obi-wan’s plans. Between work at the ranch, the orcs, and a resurgence of mutants being mutants, she’d been pretty busy the past two weeks. She’d spent most of today giving everyone physicals, and was bidding Shepard a farewell. “You really need to take a break, Shepard.”
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead,” she said, laughing.
“Keep this up and that’ll come true sooner or later.” Faiza waggled her finger at the blonde as they walked from the ranch to the cabin. It was good exercise?
“I don’t suppose you’ll tell me what you and Dani talked about?” She quirked her eyebrow.
“Commander, you know I can’t say anything.” She folded her arm and looked at Shepard stubbornly. The Commander held up her hands in surrender.
“I’ll take tomorrow off, is that good enough?”
“Quite.” Faiza patted Shepard on the shoulder. “I think I can make the rest of the way on my own.”
“Okay. See you tomorrow.” Shepard waved as Faiza disappeared down the trail.
The doctor arrived back at the cabin about ten minutes later, and let herself in, cheerfully humming to herself.
Caught off guard, which can happen even to a Jedi, Obi-Wan fumbled with the little box in cartoonish fashion. Before it fell to the floor, he had enough sense to use the Force and send it back into the drawer, which he promptly closed. He cleared his throat and walked to the bedroom door. “Faiza?”
Of course it was her. Obi-Wan’s nerves were still staticy from the jolt out of his thoughts. He walked down the stairs and tried to look casual, stuffing his hands into his pockets. His hair was still damp from his post-work shower, especially important now that he spent so much time fixing the stables.
“Yes, love?” Faiza opened the fridge to get a drink and see what she could heat up for supper. She wasn’t in a particular mood to cook, but she was famished. Something decidedly boring, she picked out a bowl of curry. As if curry as spicy as she liked were boring.
If Obi-Wan was worth anything as a cook, he would have offered to make dinner. As it was, the risk that the house would smell like char for days was too high. They’d only just recovered from Valentine’s Day. Leftovers were just fine by him, unless… “Do you want me to order something?” He did feel bad that she worked all day and had to come home to a reheated meal.
“That’s quite all right. I’m famished now and it would take too long.” She put the bowl in the microwave and then padded over to Obi-wan, slipping her arms around his waist. “I feel like I haven’t seen you in weeks.”
Obi-Wan settled into her embrace and tried to release what remained of his ruffled nerves with a breath. It didn’t really work. People thinking about proposing are rarely calm. Even Jedi. Especially Jedi. “Such are the lives of two workaholics,” he touched his lips to her forehead. “At least I get to see you in bed.”
“Oh you naughty man! Let me get some food in my belly and I’ll have energy for that!” She pinched her fingers against his bottom and slid out of his grip as the microwave dinged.
When her back was turned, Obi-Wan scratched the back of his head in thought. What would Kitty do? he asked himself, a question that caused him to crack a smile. He shook his head and started to gather forks and napkins. “Anakin and Padme are seriously considering buying the house where I used to live.”
“That’s not a bad idea. It’s large, ideal for a family and pets,” Faiza was saying. She smelled her meal and groaned. “I assume that’s the direction they’re headed in.”
“Well, they already have a dog.” The aroma of the warming curry was having the same effect on him, as well. Good thing, because the possibility of Padme and Anakin starting a family wasn’t the easiest thing to digest. Obi-Wan wanted them to enjoy everything they couldn’t have before, but he also couldn’t erase certain memories.
“It’s...nice to see them...with the freedom to be together,” he said slowly. He meant it, but it was still difficult.
“That’s lovely,” Faiza took a seat and smiled reassuringly at him. “Things can’t possibly happen the way they did before. That has to be a relief, yes?”
“Well, there’s no Council to act like controlling parents,” Obi-Wan leaned back in his chair. He lifted a hand and one of the cabinet drawers opened. A fork floated through the air and moved closer and closer to Faiza’s curry.
“I do worry about Anakin’s stability. But the Jedi here have an opportunity to be more than what they were. And I think attachments have...some benefit.” He finished with a wink. And attempted to steal a forkful of curry.
“So long as you don’t act like a controlling parent,” Faiza joked. “But you could be, perhaps a spoiling grandparent. You’ve got the facial fuzz going.” She pointed her fork at him.
Obi-Wan chuckled. “Grandparent?” he said, scratching his beard, which was going gray. “I’m not that decrepit, am I?”
“Yes, yes you are,” Faiza joked, eyes twinkling. “You’ve got this salt and pepper thing going that’s really attractive.”
There was a tingling sensation on Obi-Wan’s fingertips, signaling to him that it might be a good time to drop bigger hints. The conversation was already in that vein. "What do you think," he began, "About us? Our direction. I think it's been going exceptionally well."
“It has,” she said, looking up at him again. “You’ve….well you’ve stopped with the whole…” She waved her spoon at him. “Self blame thing. Mostly.” That had been a big deal for her. She loved him, but felt he needed to fix his own self issues first.
"Mostly," Obi-Wan repeated, smiling a little. Finally having Anakin around made it easier to move on from the things that had been holding him back.
“Mostly.” She winked at him, then dug back into her curry. Either she was oblivious, or she was pretending to be oblivious for the sake of being oblivious.
“Being forgiven helps.” The fork Obi-Wan had been using was still hovering in the air. He plucked it like an apple and carried it over to the sink for cleaning, taking a moment to kiss Faiza’s temple in between. “And having the opportunity to apologize.”
Honestly, he was feeling very tempted to use the Force to probe her feelings, but he’d sworn never to do so. He found himself resting his hands on the sink and sighing.
"Are you all right, duck?" She tugged her scarf off (she usually didn't wear it at home, which was probably a huge hint at how comfortable she felt around him) and got to her feet.
“Hm?” Obi-Wan looked over his shoulder. For a moment, he’d become lost in thought, wondering if Kitty was right about Faiza being perfectly content with how things were, because that was all he could sense. It wasn’t a bad thing. Not at all. But still. He smiled at her, trying to look reassuring.
"Is something wrong?" She ran her hands up and down his arm. "You seem like something is on your mind." She really had no idea what Obi had planned, but something was definitely up.
When her hand was close to his, he tightened his fingers around it. He touched her curls with the other. He sigh again. “No. In fact, I’ve just been thinking about how much I love you.” Saying it made his ears turn red this time, because he felt it quite intensely.
She broke into a big wide grin, and nuzzled her head into his hand. "Now you're just being a sweet heart. Really, you can do much better than a slightly neurotic super hero doctor with a robot fetish."
“Have you met the friends I keep?” Obi-Wan replied with a chuckle that rang out. “You are the only date-able one in the lot.”
Just to make sure she knew he was only teasing, he kissed her forehead. His eyes softened. “No, Faiza. You’re…” Perfect? Beautiful? Brilliant? He continued slowly. “...If you were someone I’d met in my dream world, I could have left the Order to be with you.” It was a serious, dangerous, statement for a Jedi to make, but Obi-Wan was sure he’d never believed anything more in his life.
"I...what?" She pulled away from him, shocked. It was perhaps the one thing she'd never expected to hear come out of the man's mouth. "Are you quite sure about that? Don't they hunt you down for that sort of thing. Falling to the darkside and everything?"
Obi-Wan's entire face was red now. It was difficult for him to delve this deeply into his feelings. "It's possible to leave the Order without turning to the dark side. I actually did once, when I was young. Er...don't tell Anakin."
"Oh did you now? Oh I'll have to hold onto that for a rainy day," Faiza said. She waggled her finger at him. "Any other deep dark secrets?"
He reached for her hand with the waggling finger and clasped his around it. His eyes had grown more serious. “I mean it, Faiza. If you had been in my life then, I could have left the Order. ...Even though you probably wouldn’t have wanted me to.”
“No, I’d never ask you to give up your life like that. Not for me.” And for all Padme was a good woman, Faiza didn’t think it fair to ask Obi-wan to live a double life. She’d have simply parted ways with him.
Obi-Wan flinched as some wheels in his brain begin to spin. “That’s...noble…” The words felt sticky in his mouth. He tried to smile and wondered why Faiza’s words hadn’t been what he wanted to hear. After all, she’d only repeated what he’d said.
“Noble, but painful,” she admitted. “It’s easier to say what I’d do when I’m not actually in that position. But that old adage about loving someone enough to let them go has some truth.”
If only he could give into the temptation to search her feelings, but there was no chance of that. He was beginning to feel…like he was striking some sort of wall. This hinting was not producing results. Could she really be so oblivious? “In practice, I’m not so sure there’s much truth to that at all.” He turned away to pour a glass of water.
“I think it depends on the circumstances,” she insisted. “If you love someone enough to let them pursue the thing or things that they need or love to do, you’d be a terrible person to deny them that.”
Obi-Wan felt like he was hearing voices from his past. Siri's, in particular. With the water running in the sink, it was all too easy to recall their conversation about love in the Room of A Thousand Fountains, and the way she had refused him. He knew Faiza wasn't doing that here, but still he realized he felt rather tense all of a sudden. "Under some circumstances, it can amount to making a decision for someone."
"It can," she allowed. "But at least it's not something we'd have to worry about here, duck. You don't have to choose between me and the life you want to lead. We're both involved in a lot of interesting things without needing anyone telling us what to do."
“Yes, but being free of the circumstances doesn't…” He paused, picking up a towel to dry his hands. “Choices spring up all the time. What I’m trying to say is that I would choose you, over anything. But...I’m getting the feeling that makes you uncomfortable, for some reason.”
“I don’t want to be the one responsible for...ending your dream,” Faiza said, softly. She shrugged her shoulders and wrang at her hands. “That’s a lot of responsibility to lay on one person.”
“That’s not the only way to look at it,” said Obi-Wan. He laid his hands on her shoulders. “I’ve spent so much of my life--lives--not asking myself these difficult questions. What’s most important to me: the Order, my job, myself? I usually picked whatever I thought was expected of me. And it made me very unhappy, at times.”
“Then what is it you want for yourself, Obi-wan? For this life, in this place?” She tilted her head, looking at him steadily. He was beating around a bush and she really wished he’d just come out and say whatever it was that had prompted this. Sometimes she wanted to be hit with the clue by four.
He knit his brows, because he was certain he’d already expressed himself clearly on that point. “You,” he said.
That was cliche, yet sweet, and Faiza found herself blushing. “You have me, duck. In ways no one else ever has.”
He felt a little relief at her warm response. Moving his hands from her shoulders to her cheeks, he cupped them and looked at her for a few moments, quietly. “I think often about the future. Another thing the Jedi warn against.“
“That always bothered me. How can you not think of the future? Your very goals as an order require you to think about the possibilities. Though I suppose this is the personal future and your bloody paranoia about emotions.” She meant ‘your’ as in the Jedi.
"What I'm getting at," he continued, "In a roundabout way, is that I have plans for us, Faiza. I've done my best to reassure you that I'm ready for a long future together. But, occasionally, I still wonder if you want the same...well, I believe you want marriage and children, but perhaps not right now. You're younger than I, your career is more demanding." He paused to gently caress her cheek. "Everything we have now is wonderful, but I refuse to read your feelings on the matter of moving forward and I feel quite in the dark. Tell me how you feel. Honestly."
Faiza blinked at him as he spoke, her head tilted a little as she weighed her words and his, and the meaning of what he was saying sunk in. “Oh… Well. What is it you want, Obi-wan? I do want marriage and wee ones running about, but certainly not at the moment.”
Obi-Wan felt a chill all of sudden, so he tried to focus on her warmth beneath his hands. “I’d like to settle down, make it official with marriage. And children.” He sighed. “But ’certainly not’? That sounds definitive.”
“Every other week there’s some sort of emergency. I spend more time working on injuries than I have to myself,” Faiza said, voice soft. “I don’t think it’s a good place to bring in children, not for myself.” She wasn’t sure she was ready to settle down, but she did love him. “If by settle down you just mean romantically, I could be convinced.”
He nodded. Her opinion of the situation in Southern California was valid. Obi-Wan knew he couldn’t argue that it was safe, or that their their lives weren’t complicated. In spite of it, there was a desire within him, for family, that had grown over time and seemed to override everything.
But he wasn’t using Faiza as a means to an end. She wasn’t merely some woman he’d selected for her childbearing ability. He loved her. How could he fulfill his dream if she wasn’t part of it?
“I mean romantically and everything that can come from that,” he said. “If you need more time, that’s one thing, but it seems like every time we talk about this, we’re years apart on the timing. Is it something about me that still worries you?”
Faiza shook her head, lifting her hands to Obi’s face. “Nothing about you. Not a thing about you. I’m not ready to settle down, yet. I’m too busy for a child, sometimes I fear I’m too busy for you which is frightening just a little bit because I do love you so much and I don’t want to let go of you. You make me happy and I just think that ...well the idea of children scares me.”
“I think they’re supposed to.” Obi-Wan tried to smile and relax into her touch, but it was difficult. He sighed again. “Our lives are busy. I’m not sure how much either of us could give up.” He wanted to say he could totally stop working and be a stay-at-home dad, but he couldn’t slow down when it came to training Atton and Anakin.
“I suppose there are plenty of people who could help,” Faiza admitted. Even at the ranch there’d always be an adult around. But she’d have to take at least a year off after the birth. She’d of course work as long as she could while pregnant.
“Of course,” he replied. “But...I don’t want you to talk yourself into this, just because you know it’s something I want now. That wouldn’t be good for us and it wouldn’t be good for the child.” But Obi-Wan knew she understood that.
Faiza nodded her head, taking his hands and threading their fingers together. “But I know you want that to happen. And I want it to happen too. Just not for a little while.” She tried to search his eyes with hers. “I love you, Obi. I would happily spend my life with you.”
"And I love you." Emotion tightened his throat. He wondered how he was ever going to be able trust that he wasn't pushing her before she was ready. "Promise you won't do anything just to please me."
“I promise. That wouldn’t be fair to either of us.” She studied him with concern, with her heart in her throat. She thought she was hurting him and didn’t know how to fix it. She was a doctor she relied on fixing things why couldn’t she fix this?
And he, meanwhile, felt it was unfair to Faiza for feeling hurt the way he did. It wasn't her fault. And Obi-Wan occasionally wondered himself if having children was more than he deserved. "It scares me, too," he said, "But...I need a family. More than made up of friends." He paused and smiled, touching Faiza's hair. "And I admit I'm very curious to see what the combination of our genes could produce."
“Someone who will very much be a great deal of trouble,” Faiza pointed out. “But I do want one. With you. I’ve still got a good fifteen years, Obi-wan, before I can’t. Though within the next ten would be wisest.”
Obi-Wan tried not to react to obviously. In ten years, he’d be in his mid-fifties. He was already doomed to be an “old dad”, he didn’t want to be a decrepit one, as well. But for now, he wanted to put the subject to rest. At least both their intentions were a little more clear after talking. Unfortunately for Kitty, he’d have to tell her she probably wasn’t going to be an aunt any time in the near future.
He kissed Faiza’s forehead. “Some red-headed, dark-skinned, bullheaded tyke, no doubt. Who won’t listen to anyone.”
Faiza grinned, then slid her fingers along the back of his neck. She pulled him down and kissed him, trying to share in actions what she seemed to be screwing up in words. But when she broke it, she murmured against his lips. “Or we could just try our luck, once we’re married.”
He had just closed his eyes when they popped open again. Obi -Wan smiled. Whether or not she was serious, it was nice to hear. "Careful," he murmured. "The powers that be seem capable of making babies out of thin air. Be wary of pregnancies that turn up in dreams."
“Not an issue with me,” She promised him. But when they did get married, she’d just stop taking the pill and let nature choose it’s course.