Dumat: The Dragon of Silence (nearestvessel) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2014-03-10 22:57:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, michael, samandriel |
Who: Michael & Samandriel
What: The Fallout
When: 3/9
Where: Lucifer’s
Rating: PG-13 for language
Status: Complete
The first thing Samandriel saw when he arrived at home was Dean’s key placed on the kitchen counter. Dean wasn’t there. Michael was, and judging by the energy in the house the fight that he’d been expecting for so long had finally happened. He set his rehearsal violin down and flew soundlessly into Michael’s room. There was no great sound of wings to herald his arrival. He was simply there.
“Don’t you dare say a word,” he said, putting a hand on Michael’s head before any defense or excuse could rise from his lips. He wanted to see what had happened himself. Normally, he wouldn’t have managed such a gross invasion of privacy, but that key might as well mean the destruction of the family he worked so hard to build and Samandriel was not having that based on whatever fell out of Michael’s mouth based on his explanation of the situation.
So he looked and then watched it all again for good measure. His fingers drew slowly away from Michael’s forehead, wings stretched out in shadows against the wall behind him. A warrior of an archangel’s own making stood before Michael, livid and silent. Waiting.
“Am I allowed to speak now or are you just going to stare at me?” Michael had time to consider everything that had happened since Dean left, he’d spent more than half an hour in the shower relieving some of the tension Dean had caused as well as think over everything that had happened. He’d come to a few conclusions about Dean and the angels and their insanely tangled relationships, though he half wondered how many had been severed. It was all unnecessary, but as far as he was concerned Winchester was too damn stubborn to see it.
It didn’t matter though, Michael was the one about to get an earful. He was sure Castiel would probably have a few choice words to say to his husband too though he didn’t know the man well enough to exactly what he would say. Not as well as he knew Samandriel and what he would likely say so Michael simply stared at the center of his angel’s chest and braced himself for what was coming.
“Say what you feel you need to,” Samandriel said, stepping back to lean against the wall with his arms crossed over his chest. The light he was emitting to cast those shadows had faded. He was listening for Dean on angel radio more than a little bit, feeling for his presence to make sure he was okay. “But I assure you what you think you did isn’t what you actually did.”
“I don’t feel that I have to say much of anything. He didn’t want me here, has been pissy since he found out, I made it clear that I’m not going to leave you for anything, he continued to be pissy. He concluded it all very childishly, threw his key at me and stormed off. You saw it. It’s not what I wanted to happen but it did. And given some of the things he said about you, I really couldn’t care less that he’s hurt emotionally.” he looked up at Samandriel’s eyes finally. “I get it. I’ve screwed this mess right up. I can understand if Lucifer wants me gone, but I’m not giving you up.”
Samandriel sighed. “This is his safe space, Michael. Or was. And to him, you’re acting like a reminder of all the awful things he’s been and done that he wants to forget. He might not remember that his dad ever looked like you, but that won’t stop him from replacing John with you when he dreams about all the ways that asshole handed his ass to him growing up. You’ve seen him naked. Most of the scars on his body were from that alcoholic and given while screaming the same kinds of things you just did at him. Castiel has his treehouse to go and be quiet and collect himself. Dean had here. He’s not hurt emotionally. He’s broken. That man has been a suicide risk as long as I’ve known him.”
He shook his head again, meeting Michael’s eyes. “Do you get that? He’s not pissy. He’s scared and desperate and well aware that now that you’ve apparently won this fight you decided to have over me that I never asked you to or condoned, Castiel doesn’t get to touch me and he doesn’t get the kind of comfort, security and empathy that his husband is incapable of giving but Lucifer not only can but will. And maybe the way you see it, Dean didn’t have to do it, but the way he probably does… You did a big thing very badly. You chose to fight for someone who doesn’t need you to fight for him, and… and might break two people I love very dearly in the process. Not only that but do you have any idea how much work Lucifer has put into making Dean realize that he’s worth something at all? That people genuinely care about him and he’s not just some action figure with ass kicking and car fixing action? How much work Castiel has in front of him that I’m sure he’s not entirely equipped to handle especially now that I’m sure that if Dean needs help he sure as fuck isn’t going to ask? Is this how you treat your brothers?”
“You don’t don’t think I know what broken feels like? That desire to just end it all? And for fuck’s sake if my face offends Dean so much why don’t I just take a razor and carve it off one night?” That last bit came out a little more testy than he had intended it to, but he was tired of having to make considerations for a life he had saved far more most realized. He started again, this time calmer. “Yeah, maybe I’m shit at empathy. But he attacks me and the person I care about then I’m going to respond, no matter if his head is just as fucked up as mine is. His pain doesn’t give him license to inflict it on others without consequences. And if you and he think that I won that fight then you’re wong.”
He leaned forward, elbows on his knees as he ran his fingers through the back of his hair, trying to stop what throbbing was starting there. “What did you expect to happen when you asked me to move in here, Samandriel? Did you think he was just going to welcome me with open arms? That he was going to be happy to see me, especially so near to Lucifer? Half of my brain might be splattered across an alleyway in some shit little city in Iraq that no one has ever heard of, and the other half might be filled with metal and other shit too deep to take out, but I’m still that same guy he knew. I’m still the man who ordered him to risk his life and to make him be there to watch our brothers in arms get blown away. And I’m still the same guy who kept him from that death he would have welcomed a thousand times over by now. He’s going to hate me no matter who I’m bound to and he’s going to use that hate to strike at me because that’s all we know how to do. We were never going to get along.”
The angel couldn’t help but briefly roll his eyes at that, but went to sit next to Michael anyway. “You’re his CO, Michael. Act like it. It’s what he needs from you. Don’t treat him like he has any other choice but to obey you and he won’t lash out at you or he’ll at least lash out at you less.” He ran his fingers along Michael’s back in a way he hoped was soothing. “And even when you’re more than you are now, he’s your sword. Your vessel. Your oh so special thing that you plan to use to save the world in...whatever slightly misguided version of saving that Heaven had in its head. I know how much you care about Dean both now and in the dreams. What you need to do is show him that. Even if it’s kind of fucked up. That part when he kissed you and you bit him and spat at him? Pretty sure that was Dean trying to win enough to not be verbally abused by you anymore. You saw his body language. He was going to let you win.”
He pressed a kiss to the side of Michael’s head, but wasn’t about to heal the obvious beginnings of a migraine just yet. “You will get along when you can show him that this space can be safe enough for the both of you. Make an effort, Michael. And don’t bring up his mother next time. It wouldn’t surprise me if John was the one who was actually responsible for her death.” Responsible and just took it out even harder on Dean because Dean really was so much like Mary. “You’d be surprised at how much he opens up and accepts people with even the slightest bit of kindness.”
“I know what Dean is like, Samandriel. I’ve known him longer than the rest of you have even though everyone seems to forget that.” he pointed out. Dean had changed in the four years they hadn’t seen each other, but not enough for him to be surprised by anything the man did or said. “How much I care.” he repeated. “I hate Dean Winchester, I regret saving him.” Michael lied. It wasn’t a very good lie, it was like claiming he didn’t love Samandriel, it was in every way a very obvious lie. But he felt he had to say it, it was cathartic. “And I have no interest in fucking him, no matter how obviously he wants me to. I know you lot seem to think sex fixes everything but it doesn’t, in a lot of cases it makes things worse. Clouds matters.”
He tilted his head away after Samandriel kissed it, shaking it a little. “I’m…” He couldn’t say what he wanted to, Samandriel was very clearly on Dean’s side of things, anything he could have said would have just upset him or made things worse, so he kept his mouth shut. It was just easier that way. “I’m very tired.”
“Sex doesn’t fix everything,” Samandriel said simply. “If it did, I wouldn’t be in half the messes I end up in and probably would have actually banged Gabriel.” Which was something he really didn’t want to do. “But don’t lie to me and to yourself here. You love him. I can love him too without sitting on his dick, same way I love Gabriel without even wanting to think about him naked. You both need to try here. No one ever said this was going to be easy, and his low blows were...both dramatically untrue in cases and just plain lower in others. You both fucked up.” Badly. “Dean fucked up more than you in walking away, but it’s fixable. He can stew in it for a while. Let Castiel stare at him with those laser blue eyes and think about what he did and why he shouldn’t have.”
But Michael clearly didn’t want to be touched or perhaps not even spoken to no matter that Samandriel was on both their sides here. Imagination’s first priority was Lucifer. Michael came after that and then Dean and Castiel. Having a talk with Michael himself instead of Lucifer doing it would go a long way to seeing Michael healing from this instead of feeling further kicked while he was down. “You’re staying. I love you. If you’d like me to help you rest, I will, but if you’re just going to lay here and sulk about it, I’m not leaving you alone to do that especially since I forgave you for this before I even showed up in here.”
“I’m in my thirties, when a man reaches that age he doesn’t sulk, he broods.” It was a bad joke but Michael made it anyway, his tone might have lightened but no smile came. He was genuinely too tired to smile in that moment. It was all just a mess and he too had to wonder just what would happen when Lucifer found out. Michael had promised not to be trouble when he moved in and yet here he was, fighting Dean. And there was Gabe too, not that he was at all being given the same weight as Lucifer, but the archangel would be unhappy too.
“You looked awful pissed for having forgiven me ahead of time.” Michael pointed out, maybe just nitpicking a little to distract himself from the signs of an impending migraine, and possibly wanting to soak up Samandriel’s attention after everything that had passed between him and Dean when it came to the youngest angel. He shifted on the bed, laying down with his hands folded on his chest, looking up at his angel. “I love you. If loving you means I have to put up with Dean and make an effort then… fine.”
Samandriel smiled a little at that nitpick. “I forgave you because I know the both of you,” he pointed out. “But being forgiven didn’t mean you didn’t earn yourself the conversation we just had or the idea that I can be walked all over because I forgive so easily like some people get stuck in their heads.” He stretched out next to Michael, keeping himself as calm and steady as he could be. “Lucifer will talk to Dean if Castiel doesn’t have any luck with him first. We’ll fix this and nobody’s going to get punished for it.” He looked over at his eventual brother, far more exhausted than either of them was willing to admit it. “May I sleep with you now? I’ll even let you be the little spoon for a change.”
“Oh, aren’t you generous.” he did actually smile at that and it didn’t take as much from him as he thought it would have. He unfolded one of his hands and brought it to rest against Samandriel, slowly running over his chest and stomach with the backs of his fingers. “You don’t have to ask, I always want you with me, but…” He wasn’t sure if this was a test or Samandriel maybe punishing him a little for being an idiot but he wasn’t going to be stupid about any of it now, not after that fight could have done additional damage to him. “Would you tend to my head first? See, I can ask without having to wait. I’m very, very slowly learning.”
Samandriel looked over at Michael, and without comment drew the elder man into his arms as he healed him. It was getting harder and harder to keep from just fixing the whole mess, but he’d promised and at this point he wasn’t sure it’d be long at all before the man who was essentially his other husband was going to be able to tend to that on his own. He could feel Michael coming like a storm over water. He didn’t know when, and he didn’t know how soon, but he doubted that Dean had done anything at all but hasten the archangel’s return. “Like I’m not going to reward the lesson I’ve been trying to teach you for weeks,” he teased gently.
He kissed his angel’s cheek tenderly, taking in the feeling of that warmth spreading through his brain as Samandriel healed him. He had likened it to warm water being poured slowly over his head and it felt like a pretty apt description. Like the other after a cold night, it sent goosebumps over his arms and a gentle tingling down his spine. There were times when he would have sworn it was one of the best feelings in the world. “Only weeks? I would have said months, but weeks sounds better. Thank you.”
“I haven’t known you for months,” Samandriel said softly. “No matter how much like always in both directions this feels.” He cuddled close to Michael, absolutely making himself the big spoon here. He needed to be strong for once as much as he thought some part of Michael might need to be weak for a little while.
“I’m counting all of January.” He would. Part of him was still very much surprised that they hadn’t been together very long, not counting the Michael Samandriel saw in his dreams. It had been such a short time but his life had turned completely upside down, and he couldn’t help but to think that it had been the best thing to happen to him, even if he did have to deal with Dean and all that unpleasantness. He wasn’t sure if he would be comfortable as the ‘little spoon’ when Samandriel suggested it, it was awful close to the way Dean had held him down earlier, but it was different. He and Samandriel loved each other, trusted each other, and that was what made Michael happy to be in his arms. “I know you’ll see him before I do,” he started softly. “When you do, tell Lucifer I’m sorry.”
“He knows,” Samandriel said quietly. He kissed the top of Michael’s head. “Nothing goes on in this house or on his property that he doesn’t know about. But you’re going to have to tell him yourself regardless.”
“Great, looking forward to it.” Michael sighed, closing his eyes. But he would do it. Michael wasn’t the sort to run when he was called on the carpet. No matter how unpleasant or uncomfortable the situation was he would make the appropriate apologies, submit himself to authority, and take whatever punishment was handed down without complaint. He had been a good son and a good soldier. Lucifer wasn’t his father, he wasn’t exactly an authority figure, but he was far more god-like than Michael, and after all it had happened at his home and with a man that he apparently loved. He deserved that consideration and respect and Michael would give it to him, even if it wasn’t going to be enjoyable.
“Rest,” Samandriel whispered. “You have a long day ahead of you tomorrow.” He’d be here as long as Michael needed him to be. Just as Lucifer would be with Dean as long as the hunter needed him too. “I’ll ward your dreams and keep you safe because you are mine and I love you.”