Kíli could have anything down his trousers. (_kili_) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2014-03-10 05:27:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, kili, tauriel |
Who: Tauriel, Kili
What: There are no taboo topics with these two, by the looks of it. What did they not cover? Women's facial hair, orcs, being a beer advertisement stunt model, mmo's, bows, if killing goblins is murder or not, questionable poking jokes... Holy wow, you two.
When: last Friday night after these messages
Rating: Low-to-Medium, but mostly cuz poke-related innuendo and talk happened.
After a week's worth of piecing together shelves and display cases for Mischa, drinking was in order! This time, though, he wasn't going to be on his own or at home with his mother and brother, but with Tauriel. It would be a lie if Kili said he wasn't a little nervous about going out to drinks with her. However, where most people would have been reluctant or jittery messes about the whole situation, his nervousness never translated to shyness. It tended toward an extra amp of energy and his rushing directly into the thick of things rather than any form of reluctance or hesitation. In fact, he showed up early to the bar so he could get one pint in him, did not eat anything stinky or pickled beforehand, and made sure that his clothes weren't the sort of things he picked up off the floor and gave a sniffing at. O no sir! Only the clean clothes this evening! And even if they weren't fancy clothes - jeans, t-shirt, flannel shirt thrown over it but left unbuttoned - they were nice enough to not be ripped up, have holes, or be emblazoned with dirty phrases or imagery. Go team Kili!
Conversely, the stubble was still there on his jawline and his hair was still a wild mess, as though he had been caught in a windstorm. No doubt this was from his big rush to get there and not be late. And even if he was there, waiting, Kili wondered if Tauriel would be a no show, having entirely changed her mind.
Nah. It wasn't a date. It was only drinks and stories and that was it. She didn't seem interested otherwise, despite weird magic pictures of himself showing up at her home, over the holidays. Weird, but...weirder things had happened. And he didn't get a sense that Tauriel was off her rocker nutso or anything of the sort. Which was good, because he wasn't exactly normal either, what with his family's gleefully waiting for an apocalypse to hit and canned spam and weaponry and everything.
Normal? No. Not so much.
And who was to say what was normal, anyway? Tauriel never would have considered any of the things that happened lately to be ‘normal’ before she’d moved to Orange County. If anyone had told her that she’d dream of being an immortal elf in a woodland realm and then start turning into one? She’d probably have laughed in their faces and accused them of being drunk.
She was extremely nervous about this bar meeting, too, though she tried not to show it when she walked into the pub. She’d opted for being casual as well - a pair of jeans and a green t-shirt that had been printed with a leaf pattern. It reminded her just slightly of her mirkwood uniform, which made her feel more confident.
The confidence melted away the second she saw Kili sitting there, of course. Her foot froze mid-step and she stared at him like a deer in the headlights for a few seconds. He looked clean and put together this time, but his hair was a dark tumble of wild shadows and she just wanted to put her fingers through it and smooth it.
Leave it to Mr. Observant to not immediately notice the woman he was waiting for. In fact, he stared straight forward at seemingly nothing, looking lost in deep contemplation. Whether they were thoughts which were profound or heavily weighted became of little consequence, the moment that his lips parted and a long, slow beer burp slipped forth. It was followed by a clenched fist pounded against his sternum like maybe it hadn't gotten all out of him. A pounding might knock it loose. That’s right. Wail away.
Leave it to him in mid-pound, to finally glance over and then see her there. She looked as pretty entering the place, as she did when she was running like whoa out of it. Kili’s hand froze in mid-swing, his eyes went wide, and he blinked a few times...all of which gave him the look of OH GOD, DID SHE HEAR THAT?! Basically, everyone in the bar had heard it. Good going. Way to etiquette. No one else was even remotely nearby for one of those ‘blame the dog’ type moments, or even anything resembling ‘point the finger at the next guy’ for that matter.
After a very shifty gaze, wide eyes going from side to side as he thought about the cool way to totally cover that up, Kili lobbed a ginormously huge grin in her direction, followed by a enthusiastic wave. Yes, forget all about the belchy dwarf man. He's waving helloooo. Awesome way to cover that up. Good job!
It was impossible not to hear the belching, really. Tauriel blinked her eyes a few times, wondering why someone so ridiculously uncouth could possibly be this appealing to her. He wasn't anything she'd grown up around, that was for sure.
But she'd really hated that stuffy life anyway. Legolas would never belch like that, he'd die before he'd ever even let a hair fall out of place. It made her want to smooch him and then strangle him and THIS man she just wanted to...
Well, she wanted to fix him up. Clearly she had fixer-upper issues. Then he was waving at her, and she found herself waving back. Which seemed to cure her sudden paralyzation issue, because she started walking toward him again, and then bravely took a seat near him.
Not across from him though, if he was going to keep belching like that.
"I think I'm going to skip the ale if you don't mind and go straight to whisky," were the first words Tauriel blurted out of her mouth.
Not only was Kili like a fixer upper that probably wouldn't ever get entirely fixed up since Dwarves are very set in their ways, he did have several bonus points! Such as the big brown puppy eyes, the 'please try to fix my hair using a comb or a rake?', and his absolute down-to-earth unstuffiness. On the downside, it was probably the world's wisest decision not to sit downwind from any dwarves him. Unless he was being absolutely mindful of what he was doing, which he was currently trying to be.
Trying didn't mean he would be successful? It still might get him an A for effort, though.
Tauriel was so beautiful up close that he was at a momentary loss for words. He did have his mouth open to say hello when she sat down, and it stayed open as he stared like a slack-jawed yokel. He quickly recovered, or tried to, by saying, "Someone doesn't have to try to get me to like her more than before, does she?"
"Uhh..." Now Kili had to double recover from his initial recovery-fail, when he realized he said that outloud. "I meant, you know, liking her as a person not as a...pretty person who...has photographs of...got them from magic things...with orc stories...." He tried to throw on the suave, in the rough equivalent of a stop, drop, and roll maneuver when finding one's self lit on fire. He stopped, winked, and nodded his head rather cockily, as though he had all of his bases covered. That was right before he tried to be gentlemanly and unleashed a very loud, "WHISKY, PLEASE?!"
The bartender, who by now was used to Kili - it didn't take much to get used to a guy like that, really - just shook his head and slid a glass of good whisky over to the two of them. Hopefully loud belching and moon-eyed staring was the only crap he had to put up with tonight.
And there was certainly a lot of moon-eyed staring going on, because Tauriel had begun staring at Kili again after his not-so-suave remarks. Her eyes blinked and blinked again, then she shook her head and picked up her whisky glass, "I'm not trying to make you do anything. I'm just in the mood for something a little more strong than a pint."
Kili would've protested that he doesn't get moony-eyed. Only he thinks he doesn't, because he does and it could be classified as puppy-eyed stare-fests. Which he was having back at her. Right that very moment.
"I know. It was a joke." He smiled like a rascal, carelessly plopping both elbows down and slouching forward on them. "Really, I know we’re only meeting so that you can tell me all about the orcs and goblins and how you killed them. Oh, and probably about how I should think you've gone insane." Kili let that last word hang in the air between them for a moment, before the smile on his face split into a wide, delighted grin. He shook his head and cheerfully added, "But I don't!"
"Are you sure you shouldn't, though?" Tauriel asked him, eyebrows raised. What kind of person believed in such crazy things as yeti attacks and magical photos appearing out of nowhere?
This kind of person, obviously. She sipped at her drink, nodding a bit at how good it was, "I wish I had some sort of photographic evidence about the orcs, actually, but I was too busy putting arrows into them. There was quite an invasion of them, you know, but it felt like they were leaderless and running about like chickens with their heads cut off. I think it would have been worse if someone'd been in charge of them."
Kili was staring at her like he was drinking in every word as much as he was drinking that ale. He even waved for another, not daring to interrupt by yelling out an order a second time. He didn't even bat an eyelash at what she was saying.
And that is because, between Fili and Kili both, they had read things like "The Field Guide to North American Monsters" and "The Ninja Handbook" and "The Zombie Survival Guide". They also watched entirely too many people on TV tromping off into places no one had ever dared gone to. Shows where the hosts eat rock smashed rats roasted over a fire, ran out of water and then licked dew off rocks or guzzled their own urine. Of course, they finger-pointed at one another about who was going to be the first one to drink their urine, wondered just how long the shelf life was for Spam (even the kind with jalapeno in it), and came up with plans on what they would do if _____ attacked. Insert things there like sasquatches, zombies, ninjas, a foreign army, gremlins, rioters, aliens, or any number of other things that could attack, if things went horribly wrong.
"I'm sure I shouldn't think that. You seem quite serious about it, and why would you lie about something like that to someone you've just met?" he asked, when she paused before continuing. "It sounds like they weren't the sort of orcs in WoW. They've got their own city, after all." He shook his head like they wouldn't qualify at all. "I never quite liked playing Horde side. The cows were alright, I suppose but...oh, sorry? Go on. What did they look like? Did they curse your family and you before they died? Did they even know how to speak clearly?"
Kili had a million and one questions, and was trying not to go overboard by asking too many. It was enough that he imagined how exciting it would be to peck off a few orcs at range. Or up close and personal. Either or would suffice.
Whatever WoW was, Kili seemed very animated about it and Tauriel founds herself listening intently as he mentioned the 'Horde' and cows. Though she had no idea what he was talking about.
"I don't think I'm familiar with this 'WoW' you speak of. In the dreams Orcs do have their own sorts of cities, though, mostly up in the mountains or down in the evil lands to the south. I don't think the two are the same, no."
Tauriel shook her head, "They spoke plainly enough, but they didn't have much time to curse anything before they were dead. I'm not as good a shot as I am in the dreams, but I'm still good enough to slaughter things well enough. Some of them got arrows through the throat and it makes it very hard to speak at all in those cases. Mostly they just gurgle."
Kili made a sort of 'oooh ouch!' face, in that way that made it known that it was profoundly awesome that she arrowed them through the throat. He was drinking with gusto and looked like he was hanging on her every word, because her every word is about bad assery. And because she's pretty and he can't seem to stop staring.
"WoW's a game. You play it on the computer. You can pick all sorts of classes and be things like night elves and moo cows, orcs and panda bears. It's not bad? It's actually fun. If you play it too much, like in any mmo, then it'll eat your soul and you'll never get anything done at all. My brother, Fili, and I were so boring. We rolled up the most muscled up men we could and gave them smacky weapons and bows and ran about, mining and pummeling things." He stopped and blinked, wide-eyed, staring at Tauriel, like he hadn't meant to blab that much. Time to get back on track, this time with some high praise, "If you're shooting some of them through the throat, you've really good aim. That's not an easy shot, not if the targets are moving! I wish I could've been there to see it!"
The game did sound pretty fascinating. Tauriel'd never had the time to play them, herself, but the idea of making a 'night elf' instantly appealed to her, and her eyebrows raised a bit as he talked about rolling up muscly men who smacked things and shot them with bows, "I only managed it just the few times, but I feel like it's the bow that's holding me back, now. In any case, that game does sound exciting! You can really go mining? And the smack things and shoot them with arrows? Does it cost much to play this game? I want to make an elf and run around shooting things..."
As for missing all the fun or wishing he could have been there to see it, Tauriel waved a hand in the air dismissively, "You might have missed this chance but something else will come along soon enough! I'm really rather hoping I get a better bow by then."
"There's a monthly fee, but it's not too much money and maybe someday it'll go free to play," Kili explained, enthusiastically. "You can go mining and jewelcrafting and weaponsmithing, all sorts of things. You don't strike me as a swindler? Fili doesn't play so much anymore so maybe I can pay for a month's worth of game time, give you his password, and you can roll up something there to try it out. Unless there's a free trial? I wouldn't worry about it. He's not going to know as long as you don't delete his bearded warrior guy. If he asks why there's another character on there," he shrugged sharply, "I can say I ran out of room. He probably won't notice."
Kili paused there to draw in a deep breath and then down the rest of that ale in one go. It was like watching someone guzzle water. Down went the empty pint glass with a klonk, and he sat up a little straighter.
"Anyway, give it some thought if you'd like to try it out? As for that bow, I hope you find something better. I probably can't suggest anything, since I get my bows and whatnots at the usual well-known hunting supply stores. I suppose if things come along again, I'll simply have to keep one eye open and be ready for it."
And from the starry gleam in his eyes, he was excited by the prospect of strange happening!
Tauriel finished off her own drink while Kili was talking, and for the most part she looked simply entranced by the way he spoke and his body language while he did it - though she did look a little confused at first when he mentioned the word 'swindler', like she wasn't sure why he'd mention something like that. It soon became clear what he meant, though, and she nodded along a bit while waving her empty glass in the air for a refill.
"I absolutely believe you'd be ready for it, if anything you've said before is true. Which I don't really have any reason to doubt! That game does sound fun, though I'm not sure I have any of the things I'd need to play it, anyway. It's a computer game, yeah? I have a laptop but I've no idea if it's shite at game playing or not. It does sound interesting... are you sure he wouldn't mind? I could just as easily make my own... account thing, couldn't I?"
"Oh, I'll be ready! For anything!" He nodded a little too much, likely fueled by ale. It caused some of his hair to go down in his eyes and for him to jut out his jaw, pucker one side of his lower lip, and blow it up and away before it could blind him.
"For WoW? It can run terribly and still manage to play it on low settings. It's something to think on, at least? And Fili wouldn't care. If he does, I'll tell him how pretty you are," Kili blurted out, unthinkingly, still klonking his pint glass repeatedly down for a refill too. Between the both of them, they were sure to get some attention. Doing that didn't cause him to pause or skip a beat either, since he was still happily blabbing away all the while. "That's only if he catches us! Which I doubt." He wrinkled up his nose while grinning a little wickedly. "If he doesn't, then it's the thrill of not getting caught!"
At this rate, Kili probably would have taken Fili's computer and lobbed it at Tauriel, followed by waiting to see how long it took his brother to notice. That might take things too far, but it would be funny.
It didn't seem right to take his brother's account, but Kili was being so adamant about it that Tauriel couldn't help but shrug a shoulder and smile at him, "Well, I suppose it's worth a try... I'm not sure when I'll have the time to play, though, but It could at least keep me busy when there aren't real live things to murder."
She wrinkled a brow at her own remark, and shook her head, "Murder's too strong a word. Or at least a kind of... scary word? It's not even an accurate word, really, orcs and goblins aren't human beings. I don't think the law even applies to them."
Tauriel sounded extremely biased when it came to orcs and goblins, and she got a bit of a fire in her eyes at the idea of slaying them. She grinned, "But it was a great deal of fun. My friend, Legolas and I went out with as many arrows as we could pull together between the two of us. Then we got out into the streets, and put our backs to each other - mostly so that we could keep count better. I didn't want him claiming count on any of mine, and vise versa, of course!"
Kili had merely shrugged at not having much time and thought it might be fun for her to try it, anyway. If she wanted to! He didn't push the matter, and instead listened to her, scowling as he thought over slaying orcs and goblins as constituting murder, and watching her with an intensely inquisitive expression when she was talking about keeping count with her friend, Legolas.
"I don't know, but I've always tended to think that orcs and goblins are more the classic evils sorts," he explained, "and if they aren't human, it doesn't count. I doubt you'd get into trouble over it, either of you, since they were likely up to no good." He lowered his voice down to a conspiratorial whisper, "They likely had it coming to them."
He nodded while scrunching his nose up, like yep, they so did. But as soon as that happened, the expression went away and he instead was staring at her, very intently again.
"You and your friend Legolas must be very close. You must like him," he teased, with a sly smile. After all, Kili's motto for friends and family was 'Those that slay together, stay together.' Despite his teasing demeanor, it left an inexplicable sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach that he tried not to concentrate on for too long. To prove as much, he didn't hesitate before asking, "Who won the final count?"
"Legolas did, but he was only up by two," Tauriel admitted, a bit sheepishly. It bothered her that she hadn't won, but Legolas had been practicing a lot more often than she had. She wasn't a sore loser; He had more skill, but it wouldn't always be like that, "I'll beat him one of these days. I'm not too worried about it. He's had a bit more practice lately than I have: You don't get too much call for archery stunt work unless you're working on a medieval show. Which is where I got my start, but I've been doing more work with swords lately."
Well choreographed sword fights were particularly fun, so she didn't have too many complaints on that front, either, "We've known each other for a long time, but I have to confess that we're rivals as often as we seem friendly towards each other. Sometimes I want to just... punch him right in his perfect little face, you know."
She wrinkled her nose a bit, trying not to look too keen or excited by the thought of doing just that, "But yes, Orc fighting. You're right, I think. Evil things have no right to be in this world and death is what they deserve. I'm more than happy to give it to them. There was this one huge troll, in fact, that we both actually had to work together to take down... it lumbered around and knocked out part of a building, even smushed some cars! Sadly he got the killing blow by shooting a few extra arrows through its eyes, so it counted as one of his."
Kili was staring at her with his eyebrows raised, in absolute silence, before he pulled a horrible face and made a noise, as if he hadn't heard correctly. Keeping score is a hugely big deal for some dwarves...umm...I mean, PEOPLE.
"At least he's not counting it by the amount of arrows he used!" he suddenly and very enthusiastically interjected. He began to gesture with his hands as though he was holding his own bows, and was indicating the size of targets he was talking about. "At the very least, it has to be kept fair. It counts, sure, if it hits the ground, no matter how big it is? It could be a squirrel or a whale, still only counts for one. It might be because of the bow, really? Maybe if it happens again, you'll knock down a troll first and win. Augh! I wish I had been there." One clenched fist bounced off the woodwork, causing his pint glass to almost hop, next to it. "If not to help kill the evil things that needed killed, then to at least see it all happening!"
He made no further mention of Legolas then, since he couldn't imagine that punching that guy was a very good feeling. Then again, some people have love/hate relationships, so it was impossible to tell. And Kili didn't feel like he should ask about it any further. It helped that his mind was on how insanely cool it would have been to actually been in a good fight with those sorts of creatures. Part of why he accepted it all was because - in a very youthfully exuberant sort of way - Kili wanted to believe it was true, too. It helped that he believed Tauriel, because she admitted it was crazy sounding, more or less? And that he had spent his entire life laughing and coming up with 'what if' plans with Fili, for all sorts of utterly insane plans for entirely off the wall things.
His family wasn't rich, per se. They were well off, but more of a upper working class type of well off. There were times when tragedy struck or money did get tight (luckily they were fantastic at savings accounts and long term deposits!), so they had each other to talk to about doomsday scenarios to. It sounded like fun and expanded from there. And so, killing orcs, trolls, and goblins? Those things were on the list of things that 'could potentially maybe' happen. If there was a goblin making super virus, perhaps.
"Bet you'd never thought you'd ever see the likes of a troll," Kili was saying, like he was almost elated about it. "Entirely dangerous, could sit on you and crush you to death? So brilliant though, to actually see one and fill it full of arrows. Probably a lot of fun." Fun in which Kili would get sat on and crushed to death.
"You're right, I never thought I'd be facing a troll here, or an orc, or anything like that. But I never thought that my ears would get larger and start to point, or that my hair would go red, or that my hearing would improve... Other people told me that these things might happen and I just laughed! It sounded like it would be exciting if it did, and I watched and waited, but I never imagined it actually would!" Tauriel waved for another drink, too, having finished off her second one already.
"I don't think it's fair to count by the arrow though, no. It's fair to count one body as one body, no matter how big or small it is. That's the rules! But next time there's Trolls, I'm going to be the last one to fire. And then... I think I'll climb on it and get someone to snap a photo."
Tauriel nodded her head and grinned, "Yes. And you can be there, too!"
"Absolutely!" Kili called out in agreement with how to properly rack up a body count, even though he'd only ever racked up any kills in video games with Fili. "That's the best way to go about it, I think? Then it counts as yours when it drops! No question of it, and...ohhh a photo? That'd be something to hang on the walls and show off to the family! If I'm ever there at the time, then I'll take pictures and...and...!"
It finally slapped his brain that she mentioned her ears getting larger and pointier, and he stopped entirely, giving her a very long, hard staring at. Kili even leaned in closer, so he could try to see them. In fact, he practically leaned right into her trying to catch a glimpse. His eyes were as round as saucers.
He was staring at her particularly intently, more than he had before, and Tauriel raised both of her eyebrows up at him. They stayed there for nearly twenty whole seconds, and then she finally realized he was trying to catch a glimpse at her ears.
She'd been self-conscious of them when they'd first changed, but now that she'd had a few weeks to come to terms with them, she was really somewhat fond of them. So she tilted her head to one side so he could see better, "See? They're getting a bit pointy at the top, and they were definitely smaller before!"
Kili had raised his eyebrows right back at her even more than before. At least he did, until she tilted her head and he got a much better look. Then he was blinking profusely and blatantly staring.
"...I can see that now," he breathed, looking and sounding a little astounded, but none the less astonished from before. "Those're really there! I like them. They aren't odd looking on you at all. They suit you...and I'll not poke them because they might get sensitive. If my ears were getting points on them, I'd be slapping the hands of anyone who tried touching them when they were growing out."
He finally, reluctantly, sat back. By then, he had another drink, and he was nursing that one, because there was a lot to think about. He was doing all of his thinking while watching Tauriel, and one could practically hear the gears and wheels and hingey things whirring or ticking away inside of his skull.
"I wish something like that would happen to me," he announced, suddenly, like that was the conclusion and out of his mouth it fell. "I know it wouldn't, because nothing like that's ever happened to me before. We've been here a while, since I was in school. Nothing like pointy ears or orc and troll battles ever's happened to me. " He smiled at her. "You're really lucky, Tauriel."
He sounded so very crestfallen about the whole thing that Tauriel wished she could turn back time, just to bring him along on the orc slaying adventure. She patted his shoulder, trying to be encouraging, "But it'll start happening, just you wait! You really can't avoid it now, you've signed up on that network and everything!"
"Do you know I've actually been living nearby for a few years, too, and nothing new or exciting ever happened to me... I mean, aside from the time the stunt coordinator told me to get an agent, anyway. But then I move a few miles south and sign up on that Valarnet and look at me now! And you've practically been preparing for this your entire life, it'd be cruel not to start including you at some point. The next time some awful creatures invade, you're certain to get a chance to do something."
Tauriel was correct about how he felt. However, when she gave him that pep talk, he smiled more and watched her, listening to all she had to say. It didn't take much to get his spirits up, they generally were, and this time was no different. Despite that, he was curious when she mentioned it being linked to the network. And it didn’t help that her hand patting on his shoulder made his face feel like it had suddenly been doused in lighter fluid and set ablaze.
"Sooooo...if people don't sign up, their ears don't grow? There's so much talk of dreams and things on there, that I couldn't sort through it all," he admitted, a little sheepishly, because that meant he had only skim-read through parts of it and not sat down and seriously read things in their entirety. "I suppose this is a case of 'Go Team Kili' for signing onto the magic network while looking for a job. If Fili finds out, he's going to laugh his ass off at me...which? Not all that unusual."
Kili had a habit of fumbling into things and scraping by to get himself out of it. Sometimes with Fili's help. Sometimes not.
A sudden thought occurred to him, as though he had been clocked upside the head and remembered something of importance. It was so sudden, that Kili looked ready to pounce or grab Tauriel by the shoulders and give her a little shake or two.
"I remember! I talked to my mother about that idea and she said she'd bring it up with someone in the promotions department, this month! She'd still like to meet you? As long as you don't stare, it should be fine. You can be the Warhammer Ale Girl! That'd be fantastic. And we'd both get a paycheck, since my mother said they'd probably pay me a little bit as well for the idea, but they'll never hire me on again after...." He stopped and clamped his lips shut so he'd stop talking. It looked like the wheels were turning in his head again. "...after the great job that I did there, that was so good that they had to let me go."
He smiled at her like 'Did she buy it?' and also 'Damn Kili, that cover up was awesome!' Cue much inner backpatting happening.
"Well I dont really--" Tauriel had been about to mention that not everyone's ears got larger. She was certain that only the people who dreamed about having different ears probably had to worry about such a thing, but then he was shouting excitedly about the beer and the commercial idea, and she cut herself off to share in the excitement. By grinning widely and bouncing on her seat a bit.
"Really!? Oh that's so exciting! I don't mind meeting her at all, though I do have to wonder why it is that you keep telling me not to stare at her. I mean... that's very rude, to go staring at people, though I know I keep staring at you, but I don't mean to be doing that in a rude way."
She blinked a bit, then suddenly looked at him suspiciously, "And wait, why would they never want you to work for them again if you were doing such a great job?"
She did keep staring and he kept staring at her, even though his face felt like it was about to be BBQ'd right off his skull.
Sure, Kili had been grinning. Wildly. Madly. Like he was in on the world's cheekiest, most colorful joke, and knew the punchline before it was uttered out loud. That all changed when Tauriel asked about his mom, causing him to let out a long 'uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh' and then went wide-eyed at her catching his totally fake job assessment. He drew a blank for a moment before his brain tripped over itself trying to come up with some more awesome excuses so he didn't sound like he was entirely inept.
"On the job injury!" he abruptly yelled out, probably loud enough that people outside of the bar heard him clearly. That wasn't entirely untrue, because he did get injured all of the time on jobs. He was a workman's comp nightmare for employers. It probably wasn't great to tell Tauriel that - not very impressive - and so he switched gears to explain something else.
"Our staring's at one ‘nother’s not rude. That’s different staring. But my mother's got...she has...you see, there's this thing where...."
He paused and looked away, thinking long and hard about it, while scritching his fingers under his chin, against the lengthy stubble he had going on. Then it dawned on him what he was doing and he looked over at her, while pointing at his chin, taking the blunt approach.
"She's got a facial hair problem. So this." He scritched at it again to show her and sheepishly smiled. "She's the best mother ever and I love her! Fili and I are always telling others not to stare. She gets a mite touchy about it if it's stared at for too long. More so if she's going through a regrow before having it zapped, pulled, waxed, or electrocuted. It gets a bit long and...well?" Kili lowered his voice down and crinkled up the tip of his nose. "None of it works."
"Oh! OH!" Tauriel wasn't sure what the appropriate way to respond to something like that was. Obviously she wanted to be sensitive of his mother's condition - having facial hair issues like that had to be frustrating for her. She imagined if it was her she definitely wouldn't want people to stare, either, "That's got to be awful for her. I've got a bit of upper lip issues myself, every woman does, but of course for me some product or other usually removes it quickly enough. I'd never stare on purpose!"
She shook her head a bit, "And if I even start, you're to elbow me in the ribs immediately so that I know to stop it. I don't want to ruin this job opportunity, it sounds like too much fun!"
As for Kili and his inability to be in any job at all without causing some kind of minor disaster, Tauriel merely smirked. He seemed like he was trouble anyway, from the moment she saw him. Whoever employed him next was in for it, that was for sure. She found it a little endearing.
Only a little? He is like a ruffled up human cupcake, he is that cute. Trouble, definitely reckless, has a bad case of mouth vomit, occasionally gung ho...but cute. In a hopelessly fuzzy sort of way, like a scruffy puppy that was going to keep needing to be taken to the vet, because it kept chasing cars and getting ran over. If only chasing the cars wasn't so much fun.
Kili was nodding so profusely, he resembled a bobblehead. Of course, however many pints of ale weren't helping matters. At all. It dawned on him that she just mentioned upper lip hair and his head halted in mid-bob, so Kili was left staring right at Tauriel's upper lip, doing exactly what he just told her not to do.
"Oh, you've got some good tricks then, because there's really nothing there," he pointed out, while pointing, at her upper lip. Right. At it. There are no taboo topics with these two, by the looks of it. "I don't want to elbow you. Even I know that's too obvious! She'll catch on. I'll give you a discreet poking, instead. Much better."
And much pervier sounding, too. It was unintended perviness, but yet? There it is.
The comment made Tauriel's eyebrows raise again. There really didn't seem to be any sacred topic between them. It was something she found a little refreshing, and she smirked at Kili, "Just a small poking, mm? A very discreet one? Your mother's certain never to catch us."
"Of course it’s going to be discreet? I'm not about to poke you if she's watching!" he protested, looking at her like she was off her elven rocker. "Then she'll know! I don't want her to know. It might upset her."
And he is not thinking at all of how that sounds. Not. At. All.
"Why, does she think you've never poked anyone before? I suppose some mothers still think their children wait until marriage to go poking other people..." Tauriel teased. It was pretty far to take a bad joke about how small Kili's 'poke' might be, really, but she blamed the alcohol.
One could imagine that there was the chirping of crickets, Kili was that silent and that staring at that moment, like he was very slowly putting two and two together. He blinked once, twice, squinted a little bit, and then his eyes bugged out as if they might pop out of the sockets and go rolling across the bar.
"What? What?! NO! What're you on about? Not a marriage type of poke!" He poked a finger at her shoulder, his face turning as red as her hair was with each passing second. He started laughing while talking and playfully jabbing a finger at her shoulder some more. "A this type of poke, you pointy eared little perv! And my mother doesn't need to know about the other sort of poking, which? I'll have you know? I've quite proudly done before!"
Oh yes, he had, in the back seat of cars and after sneaking into a high school girlfriend's room with her parents downstairs, and once on the roof of his house. It wasn't up to (possibly) Sam's level of bathroom kink with handcuffs, but it was significant enough that he stopped poking Tauriel in the shoulder and puffed up with pride. In fact, Kili was sitting up a bit straighter and non-stop grinning, like he at least knows what the hell he’s doing in that capacity.
Which is good! Because he pretty much makes things up as he goes along, with absolutely everything else.
His reaction made Tauriel smirk. She smirked and smirked as he poked her and flailed, and then - unable to stop herself from laughing any longer really - started laughing hysterically.
She couldn't help it, the way he was standing there all puffed up and proud of himself, like some kind of peacock. She called for another round of drinks for both of them to make up for it, but she laughed all the same. One of her hands even started slapping the bar top. The other hand pointed at him because he'd completely fallen for it.
Well, truth be told? The roof of his house was during a power outtage and he thought it was kind of romantic after luring the poor girl up there, if not for the roofing nails that roughed them both up and nearly rolling off it, entirely. He gave himself some bonus points for quest completion, there. But that is a story of another time and he only momentarily thought about it, while he was preening like a peacock and being laughed at.
Wait a minute? He was being laughed at!
Kili side-eyed her, before looking somewhat dwarvishly offended at the mocking of his exceptional sexy skills. He was unaware (as is quite normal) that he had fallen for anything.
"Oi! You there? It's not funny!" he blustered, if only a smidge. It became a smidge because he all too readily accepted the drink she had ordered. "You shouldn't laugh at a man's capabilities, I'll have you know? It's like stabbing them right in the ego! Or at least, down there, which would be terrible. I need it for...things...that...I'm not sure how talk of this even happened."
It had happened, because he is Kili, and he often found himself stumbling into conversation hell on a regular basis, in which it was hell for him only after he realized that he had figuratively put his foot right into the thick of things. Figures that it happened with a beautiful elf girl there with him. Upon realizing he was the butt of a joke for the upteenth billionth time in his life thus far, he started drinking in order to shut himself up and to hide any traces of turning a manly shade of pink in the face. All the while, his eyes were darting from side to side in what he had decided was a non-shifty manner.
"Well you started it when you mentioned poking me discretely and it all just snowballed from there. It's your fault completely and has nothing at all to do with me," Tauriel joked. He was even more adorable when he got flustered like that, and she couldn't help but poke him back a few times with her finger, "Just a SMALL poke you said, and... Well, it's not the size anyway, is it? It's how you use it that counts, and I wasn't laughing at all at your capabilities."
Was that even going to smooth his ruffled feelings over? Did Tauriel even care? Usually when she talked with people of the male persuasion she ended up either stepping on eggshells or swapping thinly veiled insults/backhanded compliments. Maybe that's why she just twinkled her eyes at him and continued to look amused at his expense.
Oh, it figured, didn't it, that she had a beautiful laugh to go along with the beautiful rest of her. And he was enjoying it despite that she was laughing about the situation, not his capabilities, which...what in the what now? Did he hear that correctly? Small poke? Not the SIZE that counts anyway, eh?!
Kili's eyes really bugged out then, as he stammered and sputtered into his pint glass, "Smmaaghglahglahagaaa...SMALL?!" He swigged down the last of the ale in the glass and loudly set it down with a resounding CLONK. It was a good thing it didn't break the glass. "It's not my fault that you took it that way and ran with it! And of course how you use it counts, despite the size of it? Every man knows that, you silly...little...giggling...! You can’t insinuate that it’s small because it’s not, you...you...!"
And here is where Kili made a face because he really shouldn't have said any of those things out loud anyway, and only just then realized it. The face was very much like >.<
In a wild stab of an attempt to change the subject, he very bluntly asked her, "Are you going to meet my mother or not, and when?"
It was asked without thinking it through, for it might make things sound much more serious than they realistically are at this juncture, between them. Especially after mentions of small pokes and whatnot! That was followed by an ultra-serious little hmph noise. He is attempting to look all fierce and obstinate, but looking fierce and obstinate doesn't really work when he was constantly sneaking peeks over at her.
This man was a trainwreck, and mainly he was a trainwreck of his own making. Tauriel kept alternating between being amused at his reactions, staring at him and his adorable mess, or laughing at his mannerisms.
She'd been about to raise the bar by making some kind of comment about him protesting too much about his size when he abruptly changed the subject. The joke probably had gone too far, and she didn't want him to have severely hurt feelings or anything.
Tauriel nodded, "Yes! I want to be the Warhammer Beer Girl. And I promise, I won't stare. Or talk about any kind of poking we are or are not doing, anytime now or in the future."
So much for looking fierce and obstinate? It was back to happy puppy in an instant, such was the monumental grin on Kili's face. That was just as well, because sneaking peeks to see if his stern face was working or not wasn't really all that effective. He even let the comment slide about poking...and forgot to mention the sheer absolute horror show that would ensue if anyone told his gruffly protective mother about poking of any sort.
"That's fantastic! She'll be thrilled!" he said, throwing out both arms and giving Tauriel the sort of hug that threatened to bowl them both over onto the floor. It was a full on glomp, without any hesitation at all. He even smushed his cheek against her shoulder, not letting go. "I'm a bit thrilled too, because I think you'd fit in well...and not because I'd get a paycheck for the idea, either!"Thereby proving that one of the ways to a Dwarf's heart is partaking in lucrative adventures, since....forever. Only add in "Promise of adventure", "No, the adventure's not cancelled", and "That Elf maiden is hot" into the mix, and you've got a very happy Kili. As long as it's really an Elf maiden.
The hug nearly did bowl her over, so unprepared for it was she. It was a kind of hug she didn't get very often, if at all, and it seemed a little more personal than just a hug between random people at a bar. She wasn't sure how to react to it, but he was so happy that found herself grinning and patting his back.
"You're QUITE thrilled, I can tell!"
Even though his cheek was still very much smushed against her shoulder while hugging her, both arms around her waist while he was leaned into her like that, Kili managed to smush tilt his head enough to peek up at her.
"I know, I know. I'm like Captain Obvious," Kili admitted, without an ounce of shame in it. "Fili's said that before, when I've noted things that were so blatant that they could reach out and smack me in the face. But this' great news, indeed!"
He suddenly let go and sat back, because good gods, fine time to remember you shouldn't invade a woman's personal space! Time to try to keep it cool (cooler than he normally was...which actually isn't as cool as he thinks he is, at any point in time), and be all collected and shit. He made a very serious face and nodded, like the 'challenge accepted' meme man.
"That'll be good, you know. I suppose you should simply send me a message using the valar net, when you're ready for a meeting. I'll let you know. We'll have dinner. It's not a big deal, not in the least. In fact, if you agree, I’ll be right out the door and on my way, so she can get things together for that and be ready."
Like having her face done and enough food to feed an army, on hand. And this was such a not big deal that he is sneaking peeks over at Tauriel again, and they are of the fleeting 'is that alright?' variety. Because he is obviously not worried about her saying NOPE at all.
The air in the tavern had gotten suddenly very warm and thick, and Tauriel felt extremely light headed as Kili let her go. It took her a few seconds to come back to herself, during which all the sounds in the tavern had been changed to something like ringing bells and even Kili's voice was hard to make out.
She caught the tail end of it, though, and grinned, "Yes! Yes, I'm very keen to get all of this going. I'll send you a note about when I'm free. And... I'll get the tab. By way of thanks."
Tauriel called for the bill and pulled out a credit card, not even bothering to look at it. Mainly because she was frightened of how expensive it was. Then she slid off of her stool and tucked her wallet away, "This was fun. Thank you!"
Before he could glomp hug her again, she proceeded to make her own way out of the bar. What an interesting night!