Of course Alice would have pushed Rachel away like that. It only made sense when Rachel thought about it, which accounted for most of the thinking she’d done over the last few days. It was the weekend, which was a great time to catch up on school work, but instead she was stretched out on Kitty’s couch.
A pint of ice cream was in one hand and a spoon was in the other. “I’m going to get so fat if I keep this up, but I don’t even care,” she declared.
Kitty plopped down next to Rachel, lifting her legs and then dropping them into her lap. “Maybe you should focus on other things. Or maybe I could go kick her butt.”
"Concentrate on--" Rachel sounded momentarily confused, then she pointed her spoon at Kitty in an incredibly accusatory fashion, "Don't you dare lay even a finger on her, Kate!"
“Who? Me? I won’t hurt her. Much. Just a little.” She feigned innocence.
"That's not even a little bit funny," Rachel muttered. She dug back into her ice cream and pulled out a gigantic scoop of chocolate and marshmallows. It was so huge she'd probably freeze her brain in the process, but her brain could go to hell. It was still giving her migraines and she was certain she was starting to pick up on other stuff, too.
So she jammed the entire spoonful into her mouth, defiantly.
"It totally is." Kitty patted her friend's leg. "It's just...You two seemed really cute together. And she dumps you just like that!"
Oh god oh god brain freeze. Rachel flailed one of her hands in the air and scrunched her eyes shut for a few minutes, "Ugh. Just... She got scared. You know? It was all 'this is scary' and 'we're just supposed to be shag buddies' and 'I never got to sow my oats'."
Not deterred by the brain freeze at all, she quickly scooped out another spoonful of ice cream, "And I get it, but I mean... it's not like I was asking her to hire a uhaul."
“Sow her oats?” Kitty sounded incredulous. “Like I get the urge to do that, I really do, but she really phrased it that way?” She was upset on Rachel’s behalf, which was better than her own problems.
"Sow her oats. And have experiences, but Alice is all about that, it's why she traveled the world," Rachel sighed, "I was so fucking amazed by her ability to do all that and be open to so many new things and now it's biting me on the ass."
She poked at the ice cream with her spoon, "When she said we should see other people I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest."
Kitty chewed her lip, feeling jealousy she really shouldn’t. “You wanted more. You still do.” Statement, not a question. “But it’s not fair to ask her to change. To be selfish.” She smiled, sadly. “I was kind of starting to ship you two too.”
“I was kind of starting to ship us too, I think. I don’t know. I wanted more, yeah. But I don’t think I realised it until she was telling me she didn’t. And I still don’t believe that she didn’t want it. She was just as hesitant as I was and then I forced her to decide…”
Rachel was going to start crying if she thought about it too much, and that was just going to make her headaches worse. She bit the inside of her lip again, “It’s my fault. Probably. I pushed her too hard.”
“No.” She shook her head. “I think you both hit that ‘we’re moving too fast’ wall and reacted differently. Maybe you needed to slow down and get some space and look at things from an outside perspective.”
"Well, you'd be the expert on hitting the 'we're moving too fast' wall," Rachel joked. It was a half-hearted joke at best, the laugh that followed it didn't even reach her eyes. She poked at her ice cream some more, "I hate this. I seriously can't stand this. It's all awkward and shitty now. I just want her back. Even if we were nothing and it was just meaningless sex."
“Shush.” Kitty smacked her foot. “I mean, what’s to stop you from shagging her when you get the chance? If she’s open and that much reluctant she’s probably not going to start dating on you.”
"Well isn't that the point? To go out on dates with other people?"
Rachel jammed another spoonful of ice cream in her mouth. The idea of Alice dating other people - actually dating them - infuriated her. She didn't even understand why.
“There’s screwing around and then there’s dating.” Like there was a difference. “Sometimes one leads to another. This is really tearing you up isn’t it…”
“You just start thinking of what you should have done differently. Maybe I came on too strong. Maybe I shouldn’t have told her about the marks, or the dreams, or any of that. Maybe what I become is what’s so scary, but I thought she was different! I thought she could handle all of this, she’s so…” Rachel spun her spoon in the air while trying to find the word, “She believes in everything, it’s so refreshing, but maybe it got to be too much.”
Kitty reached over to take Rachel’s hand. “I don’t know what you two talked about enough. But did she seem scared of you? At all?”
The hand was comforting, and Rachel stopped spinning it in the air, "I don't think so. But I had to do something, right? She's the one that left me, that's usually an indication of whose fault it is."
“Maybe you should talk to her about it. This can mess a person up really badly, but Rachel, if she can’t handle all that you are than she’s not good enough for you anyway. Trust me on this from personal experience with someone who just couldn’t handle everything my life brought.”
"And maybe that's it. When you get right down to it. Who the hell can really handle our lives? I've only just started dreaming about mine and I'm already trying very hard not to go fucking insane with it. She's seen me wake up with bleeding eyes and ears, she's been there when my nightmares make the room shake. I don't want to put her through any more of that anyway, and what if it gets worse?" Rachel stabbed at her ice cream again.
It was starting to melt, and while that wasn't the biggest travesty of her week, she actually started to cry.
“You’re the telepath, did you pick up…” Kitty trailed off, and gently took the ice cream from Rachel, shifting on the couch and then pulling her into her lap. “Shh…”
Rachel crumpled against her, and tried not to sob too loudly, "I didn't... I still can't really... control it... Fuck I hate it when I cry..."
Crying sucked, but Kitty rubbed her friend’s back. Maybe she wouldn’t beat Alice to a pulp but she was going to have stern words with her. “Shit, Rachel. Maybe you need to...don’t know. Make her jealous. Or at least screw her out of your head. Not that that worked for me, but you know.” Because she thought the ‘l’ word might be relevant here, but she didn’t say it.
"That sounds like a bunch of high school bullshit," Rachel replied, still sniffling.
But fucking Alice out of her head didn't sound like a bad plan. She pondered that a bit, "I wonder if there's anyone else I could just casually hook up with."
She couldn't casually hook up with Kitty, after all. No matter how attracted to each other they were.
“Guy or girl? I know a few people,” Kitty suggested. No matter how much she wanted it, it was something they couldn’t have. Even without Rikku, it was something that for Kitty at least, would become much more than casual.
"Guy," Rachel decided. She got way less emotionally attached to men, and that's what she needed. She pulled away from Kitty a bit and wiped at her eyes, "Why is it always me crying on your shoulder?"
“Because I’ve got good crying shoulders,” she explained, stroking Rachel’s face. “And we’ll find you a guy to shag your brains out.”
"A cute one," Rachel demanded. She wrinkled her nose a bit and added, "No one blonde."
"We'll find you someone with an amazing ass or something," Kitty promised. She had a couple ideas. "Like I've got this ex..."
"Ex you're on good terms with, I'm guessing? And how did you know I was an ass woman?" Rachel arched a brow at Kitty. They were already inside each other's heads, and her telepathy wasn't even really functioning yet. What was it going to be like when it was stronger?
Kitty just grinned at her. "Yeah we're on good terms. His name is Peter Parker. The poor man could probably use a good lay."
"That's great, we'll give each other a nice pity fuck."
Rachel sounded grumpy about it, but she was smirking a bit, her tone more teasing than anything else. She rested her head against Kitty's momentarily and let out a long sigh, "What would I do without you, Kate?"
"Run out of ice cream." She kissed the side of Rachel's face. "But don't worry I've got more."