Who: Sam Nishimura, Tauriel, and introducing: Kili! What: Awkwarding, Matchmaking, and sailing ships (on Sam's part). When: Evening, 02/28 Where: A pub somewhere! Rating/Warnings: PG-13 for lots of drinking. XD Status: Complete!
The bars were all finally open again after the Volcanopocalypse had subsided, and Sam was psyched about it. Of course she’d promised Lara that she’d cut back on her drinking, and the entire house was going dry, but she still liked the scene at clubs and bars.
And she really needed to get out of that house. That house without liquor was boringpants now.
So she’d taken a seat at the bar next to a woman that she swore she’d seen on the valarnet a few times, and ordered a soda instead of alcohol. They quickly got into an animated discussion about bows and arrows and butt kicking in general. Tauriel had been out there during the invasion and she had plenty of tales to tell about her and Legolas’s adventures.
“And it was the most amazing thing, because here I am with this bow in my hand and aside from competition archery and some stunt work I’ve never really used it to hunt anything before. But me and Legolas are just running through the streets like we’re our dream selves, dodging things and putting arrows into the eyes of goblins and then dancing on their corpses!”
Sam laughed, “You should meet Lara sometime! She’s so super amazing with a bow, and buttkicky. I think you two would get along. Me, I can’t shoot anything. Not even with a shotgun. It’s so pathetic.”
There was one benefit of having a mother that was a brewmaster from across the pond. A love of ale and stouts was instilled in Kili and his brother, and they spent much of their spare time drinking. While they were loud, they were also the most strangely functional party animals ever, and could withstand the full assault of a raging hangover while working around loud vehicles, construction equipment, and hammers. Which is fine, because loud things weren't off-putting to Kili. And neither was the prospect of sneaking out for a drink after job hunting, which wasn't panning out too well, in the meantime.
Kili strode into this particular establishment, like he was conquering life and the universe simply by being there. He had dark wild hair and a most rakish grin. Warm brown eyes skimmed over his surroundings as he made his way to the bar, and there was a five o'clock shadow over the lower half of his face that just would not quit. Ever. Not even when he shaved religiously, every morning. Just wait until later when he wishes it HAD grown out all beardliciously long and braidable. He wasn't an incredibly tall man, but he was a respectable five foot seven and three quarters. Just wait until he goes shrinky dink.
One hand went POUND POUND POUND on the bar and he cheerfully called out to the bartender, "I'd like an ale, and before you ask if I've had a few too many? I've not. At all. Cold, stone sober and looking to change that, immediately!"
The first person to spot the new arrival was Tauriel. She was so taken in by the appearance of the dwarf man in question that she stopped right in the middle of a sentence she'd just started to stare at him.
It was awkward staring, the kind of stare that Sam thought resembled the way someone would look at someone that they thought they knew but couldn't really place. She knew all about that look because she used to get it on her own face every friday and saturday night in the clubs in England. It was the 'did I screw that guy, did I know that guy, he looks so familiar and I can't tell if I'm supposed to avoid him or not' stare.
But it was also the stare of 'that's a potential hotty'. Sam was engaged, but she wasn't dead. So she twisted on her bar stool a bit to look at the object of Tauriel's staring. "Hot," she whispered, elbowing Tauriel in the gut.
Tauriel's eyes widened a bit, "... right..."
Meanwhile, the bartender was squinting at the man in front of him, arms folded, "Why would you tell me that unless you were worried I'd think you started drinking somewhere else?"
"Well, since you've brought it up?" Kili's accent was mild at best, and everything else about his manner of speech was him merely being cheeky and blurt-astic. "I fully intend to go other places drinking after, and then drink at home with my mother and brother, for dinner. If you'd like to join us, you're more than welcome. We also have a nightly belching contest. So far, my mother's got us both beat, but she's several years on us. So that's to be expected."
After a pause and a staring at, he asked the bartender, "Do you need to see my I.D.?" He proceeded to pat himself down in such a way that it looked like he was giving his own self a pummeling. It was less than gentle.
That was when he caught sight of the two women in the bar, and - in mid-self-pummeling - gave them both a sly wink and a smile. He is obviously not a shy creature. No.
The bartender watched Kili pummel himself for a bit, then shook his head at the entire scenario. This person was going to get himself killed and it wasn't very responsible to serve him at all.
But what he did with his life was his business, as long as he was legal, "Yeah. I DO need to see your ID. You're gonna get yourself killed and I want to know who to call when you do."
Meanwhile, Tauriel's staring was still happening, and Sam tried to elbow her in the ribs again. She smirked at Tauriel and whispered, "Go say something!"
Tauriel didn't respond. The man looked familiar. Or was he a boy? No, he was probably a man. A proper one, with the stubble and everything. And that wild hair. Obviously he didn't care at all for his own appearance. That was horrible, she decided. He was horrible.
Why did he look so familiar?
Hey, now. He was definitely a man, even if he had 'shaggy cute puppy man' down to a science. Or he would have it down to a science of sorts, if he was scientifically inclined. Anything past measurements (including 'how far do I have to lob this rock to hit them in the back of the head?' and 'how long does this have to be to fix this hole in the garage door we drove through?') was something to be wary of. He was great with numbers that way, but it was a little boring to someone who bored easily with technicalities. He was more of a doer than a thinker...and those two things didn't go hand in hand very often. Nooooooope.
He pummeled himself until he found his wallet and all but threw it down on the bar for the bartender to look at. He also snuck a look over at the two women that were staring at him. It wasn't an inquisitive or wondering look at all. It was outright staring of he thought they were hot, and he was being openly appreciative. Yes he is. Complete with the semi-puppy-eyes at the pretty ladies and everything. It was his full intention that, once he had a drink in hand and somehow managed not to forget his wallet (or kill himself somehow), he was going to stride right over and boldly introduce himself.
So get ready for it. It's happening. Without a doubt. No question. No hesitation. Not even skipping a beat. He is about to be on his way.
He definitely looked like he was about to come over there, and a momentary look of panic spread over Tauriel's face. She knocked back the rest of her drink then and there, and hopped up off of her stool, "Well, that was quite fun but I've really got to be going now. Sorry about that!"
Sam didn't even have a chance to get a reply in before Tauriel was trying to make her way out of the door. She smirked, though, and shook her head. These two were already fucking adorable, and she was pretty sure she knew who they were. In fact, she dashed off a quick text while waiting to see if the man stopped her new friend before she could escape.
The bartender checked the ID and shrugged a shoulder. Scruffy Man!boy was legal, and that's all that really mattered to him. He got out a cold pint glass and filled it up, then slid it across the bar, "You want me to open a tab for you or what?"
These were important questions to ask before Kili toddled off to flirt with girls.
Noooo the pretty redhead was leaving! Kili gave her an almost imploring stare of WHY OH WHY as she headed toward the door, hopping in place just once, before his imploring stare was lobbed at the bartender. What in the what now?
"...huh? Tab. YES! Yes, open one of those," he hastily said, grabbing his beer in one hand and then raising the other hand up to cup it over his mouth and loudly exhale. If he had rank breath, maybe they smelled it from over there? Better to check. After all, there was still the cute Asian girl gawking at him, and that was at least something? It also kept him from looking totally completely desperate by running after the other girl and making a joke.
Play it cool, Kili. Play it cooooooooooooool. Think Fili, who has swag when he walks in a room. Yeaaaaaaaaaah.
Part of playing it cool - after reassuring him he didn't have dragon breath of doom - was to mosey on over to where Sam was sitting and introduce himself.
"Hi, I'm Kili," he told her, trying to forget the pretty redhead entirely (and having forgot his wallet entirely, for reals), "And you're staring. Either I've got something stuck on me somewhere, or you're somehow interested in me. And because I'd rather not think about me having sat in something I shouldn't have, today, I'm going to reassure myself that you're interested, somehow or other. May I?"
He plopped his butt right down in the chair that Tauriel had been sitting in. It was still warm. And he will simply have to content himself with having to think about her bum once being there, while he smiled at Sam. She looked friendly enough and not at all suspicious!
Tauriel made one last doe-eyed look at the man through the bar door before running away, full retreat pace. She didn't understand her reaction to him and she hated when her body acted in ways that didn't obey her.
Sam giggled a bit, though. She wasn't at all suspicious of Kili because her Kiliel ship was already sailing. Lara was in text messages warning her not to ship them and throw down the anchor, but it was too late. It had sailed right out the door with Tauriel's reaction, and she smirked at Kili as she tucked her phone away, "Hello. I'm Sam, you're cute, and I'm interested, but not in the way you're hoping!"
She flashed up her other hand, one finger covered in a 360 band of diamonds. They sparkled a bit as she jiggled her ring finger around, then she put it back on her glass, "I'm pretty sure my fiance would have some issues with it. But sit here and talk to me anyway! My friend there was totally into you."
His face was blank for a full ten seconds before he looked from the ring to Sam's face, with a classic OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT expression. Way to flirt fail on someone who was already almost married. Score none for him.
At least she thought he was cute anyway, and what she said sunk in finally. He went from OH SHIT to a smile in the blink of an eye, singing out a too loud, "O reeeeeeelly now?"
Not interested in the way he was hoping, eh? Surely, there were visions of Sam wanting some hot and steamy extra-marital affair, and maybe then suggesting to her pretty redhead friend how fun that was, opening the possibility of meeting her later on. Being male, it was of course, turning into one of those mental scenarios where he was showing up holding a pizza box and wearing a delivery boy t-shirt at some point. In fact, he was very intently staring at Sam like he was very, very intensely thinking about it.
And that was when he was hit upside his head by the wallet, courtesy of it being thrown by the bartender. One eye scrunched closed before Kili glared a little in that direction, clenching his hand around the wallet on the table and shoving it back into his pants pocket.
"What sort of interest is it then? Oh. Ah haaaa. Are you one of those swingy sorts? You and your fiance like a third wheel? I've no problems with tricycles, since it's nice to try anything. I might get a bit shy, but you're cute too? So I don't see a problem with performance anxiety if it's the whole two men, one woman, if she's the one in the middle. At least it's not two girls and one cup? Ha ha ha!"
Oh yes, he said it. Followed by guzzle drinking while eyeing her over the top of his pint glass, like he was ready for her to clobber him.
At first, Sam stared back at him like she was wondering why he was staring so intently at her. Usually when a guy did that, though, it was because they were imagining her in her underwear or naked and involved in sexy fun times.
She was torn between being flattered and flabbergasted when he finally spoke, and ended up flailing both of her hands in front of her, "Oh no! No! God no, sorry, Lara would kill me! She's SUPER possessive and like she'd probably kill you, too. We don't want to invite the anger of the Lara. She's seriously fierce and well armed."
"But what I meant was... I'm interested in knowing more about you because you sound fun! And also because I'm kinda hoping that I can sell you on my friend Tauriel because she really did think you were hot. I think she's just socially awkward when she doesn't have a bow in her hand."
It was hard not to laugh hysterically when the wallet hit his face. Sam didn’t bother trying, and guffawed, in fact.
Phew! No clobbering! And it really wouldn't take a lot of twisting of Kili's arm to be sold on her incredible escaping, but incredibly pretty, friend. Although...he did choke on a huge gulp of beer when that male fiance turned into a female fiance and his mental picture got a WHOLE LOT MORE COLORFUL all of a sudden. Even though he spit out what he had been choking on, right back into the pint glass, he recovered from a coughing fit by taking a slower and more measured drink to get things going the right way down his esophagus again. It's not like he was swilling down anyone else's backwash anyway, only his own. No use in wasting perfectly good ale.
Once he was able to speak again, he blurted out, "Fun's my middle name, your girlfriend sounds abusive...and did you say bows? I have been shot in the foot with an arrow before, by my brother, and vice versa. Half of that was an accident, and the other half?" He dropped his voice down to something that sounded like it was a great conspiracy. "Deliberate."
That admittance was quickly followed by a sly wink, and a pounding of a now emptied pint glass on the table, so he could get another.
“She’s not really abusive at all, she’s just going through a thing right now where she’s scared that a bunch of crazy russian guys are going to come kidnap me. Lara likes to be prepared, that’s all. Just in case of the apocalypse, or zombies, or russian kidnappers, or insane biker clowns from wisconsin.” Sam sounded like any of the things she was listing off were a distinct possibility, and she wasn’t even that phased by it.
She waved her own glass so that the bartender could refill it with boring things like soda and grenadine, while he was over there. The bartender was happy to oblige them both. He even put a cherry in Sam’s glass before hustling off to take care of other customers.
“But yeah, Bows! Lara has a bow, our old roommate Dani has a bow and she’s all native american and asskicky, and Tauriel has a bow. I’m like the only person who doesn’t have a bow. I tried shooting one once and I almost shot myself in the foot. No lie! I’m seriously not graceful unless I’m dancing. Which arrow to the foot was deliberate?”
Kili listened to that reasoning and that list, and nodded quite a few times before he began drinking with earnest again. All of those things made sense to be prepared for, because there was no telling when one would have to fend for themselves against zombies, russian kidnappers, or biker clowns. As for the bows, he liked those things! He liked them more than Fili did, and he did laugh a little in mid-drink, which caused him to sputter his ale a little bit.
"Oh, mine to his foot was deliberate. His into mine was an accident. I thought we should match and that would teach him to watch his aim...." He belatedly realized that sounded horrible, but that was simply the way their family was, extended or not. They were all a little bit on the rough and tumble side of the spectrum. Unless it was his uncle, and then it was the more grim and gruff side of the spectrum. "...maybe you should take lessons, then you can talk more bow things with everyone else who have bow things. Or try some other weapon that's stabby or some sort, since it's a good way to protect yourself in the apocalypse."
"It's so awesome that you aren't staring at me like I've got six heads or something." Sam decided she was definitely just going to have to hook this guy up with Tauriel. That was it. She liked him.
"I've tried other shooty things but they all make loud noises and it seriously throws me off. So I'm taking kickboxing lessons and my friend Mulan is teaching me to punch things and stab them. Oh! And I roller derby so I'm all GRRR ARGH I WILL PUSH YOU OVER there, too. I could probably be like that if I had to, against like... Those biker clowns or something."
Sam nodded her head like she totally could, and she was secretly a badass just waiting to be discovered.
"Your brother sounds like a schmuck for not liking bows. He totally deserved that arrow to the foot anyway."
"Oh no! He's not schmucky at all. Much more responsible than I am, equally as dangerous! Fili likes stabby things and being up close and personal. That's all! My brother is the best! He usually yells at me like he's scared out of his wits when I'm doing stupid things...which's often." A very much undaunted Kili had zero problems admitting that, as well as dropping this bomb without a shred of hesitation, "We're also ready and waiting for various apocalypses. That's why I wouldn't stare at anyone that way, but I'd ask where, what, and how fast do I have to run so I don't miss it."
Which was true, for the most part. He probably wouldn't wait to ask about how fast he'd have to run. The where and what would be more than sufficient, and he would be off in the distance already, heading toward all the things that could eat his face off without ever getting any further information.
To make matters possibly worse, he further suggested, "You probably need an axe in one hand while you roller derby about. Push them over and chop. Simple and effective. Or a bat. Nothing quite like a clubbing to the side of the head to make sure no one gets up again."
After looking deceptively bright-eyed and bushy-haired (it’s deceptively cute), Kili downed the rest of his ale in one go, and let out a chunky sounding belch. PLONK PLONK went that empty pint glass on the table. That simply is how one shows their appreciation for good beer, at home. Or it's how he was taught, rather. On the downside, his family could be less than sophisticated in some ways, even if they had nice things and did alright for themselves. On the upside, they were very tightly knit and organized in other ways. With food and drink? Hell to the no. Not so much. If there was a heated debate or several jokes being lobbed about, someone was liable to get some food lobbed at them, and it was all over from there.
"...you really think your friend likes me?" he asked Sam, curiously, before pointing off in the direction of the nearest exit that she had escaped through. "If that’s true, then why did she bolt out the door so quickly?"
“Uhm.” Sam’s brain was too busy trying to process through the idea that this guy was ready for anything, and so was his brother. It was pretty rare to hear that outside of like… the tight knit group of battle-ready people she lived with, but also kind of nice. Since… well, at least during the volcanopocalypse it had been all hands on deck and even she had to try and kill a goblin once. The shotgun hadn’t helped at all.
She was pretty sure an axe or a bat might have been better, but Lara wouldn’t let her have a melee weapon because it was ‘more bloody’ or something stupid like that. Pfft. It was probably against the roller derby rules to carry a weapon around though, so she decided to put that advice out of her mind. Though the mental picture of skating past some bitch and then clubbing her with a bat so she couldn’t get up was oddly titillating.
Sam shook her head a bit to clear it, “What? OH! Yes! Oh my god you have no idea, she’s just like… really stupid about guys that’s all. She saw you and it was like a zing and a spark and then she couldn’t keep her eyes off of you. She was obviously just overpowered by your awesome hot manliness and had to run away for now, that’s all.”
They really were ready for anything, since they had been waiting with barely contained glee for any sort of apocalypse to hit. Even their mother was. It was going to be a full on family affair, with mass slaying of zombies, murderous looters, sasquatches, rabid bears, or even smurfs, if they were ever overrun with little blue things that might have gone rogue or evil. Easily stomped on and only minor beer spillage while doing so, which made that scenario a very much agreed upon win/win.
Kili had been handed another pint while Sam was mulling over roller skates and club-a-bitch (which she should, because that's brilliant). It was a good thing that he hadn't been drinking, since most girls thought he was cute, but then when he brought her home to mom, it was a case of finding their manners and etiquette more than questionable, not to mention they were blunt and could be a bit tactless most of the time. There often wasn’t any more dates or returned phone calls, after that.
He was also staring at Sam like he wasn't sure he was hearing right, since no one ever use 'zing' or 'spark' and 'overpowered by your awesome manliness' in conjunction with him. Although he did puff up a little bit at the being awesome and manly part.
Even so, he leaned forward and squinted a little, saying, "Why's she stupid about that, then? Is she on the fence? I mean, you'd know, since you've got a jealous girlfriend who's heavily armed or the likes. Not that there's anything wrong with that? I'd be beyond happy if I had a heavily armed girlfriend. Who wouldn't be!"
And he slapped his hand down on the table to punctuate that last loudly spoken statement.
"Fiance! But I'm actually like a betweeny. I think they call that a three on the scale? Well, actually, I've had a lot more guy sex than girl sex so maybe I'm like a two." Sam shrugged her shoulder at that, because it wasn't actually relevant to the subject at hand, which was Tauriel.
She actually had no idea why Tauriel had run away and if she had the woman's phone number she probably would have been slamming back soda with one hand while furiously texting her with the other. Alas, none of that was happening. But she knew that look. The look on Tauriel's face as she'd run away had been nothing at all like repulsion, "I don't really know. I don't think she's on the fence, though, no. I mean... duh? She totally would have put the moves on me if she was. Look at me. Come on."
Sam ran her free hand over the curves of her body just slightly, then grinned, "I'm way too hot for every lesbian in town not to hit on at least once. But anyway, like seriously? That look on her face? That was the look of being completely spellbound and then totally afraid of what that might mean. Like... I don't know, do you believe in love at first sight? Because I think that might have been what was going on there. I'm no expert but I could meticulously google that shit if you want?"
"There's a scale?" Kili asked, while side-eyeing Sam. He had no idea there was a sliding scale of sexuality anywhere. Or why it needed a number. Why not just say it?! "Why's there a scale?"
Ok, fine. So he just said it.
He shook his head a little like Sam could forget those last questions. There was a much more pressing matter, now that Sam was chatting about it. Speaking of pressing, he was leaning so his upper body was pushing right against the table, looking entirely focused and engrossed on the rest of what she was telling him. Not to mention, he did watch her hand do the thing, and then had to stop looking at that hand, because she had a fiance girlfriend wife thing, who sounded like she would stabbity him to death.
"I was going to put the moves on you," he admitted, raising his eyebrows, his eyes wide and wondering at this new development. "I'm not now, for obvious reasons! I'm more concerned with your friend, there. You really think that's what it was? I mean, I've gotten a fair 'nuff reaction from women, and I've had girlfriends before, but...love at first sight? Really? It's never been like that, although I did feel a bit drawn to her while she was awkwarding the fuck out of here, if you get my meaning." He pointed toward the door and then asked, incredulously, "I don't think that sort of thing's on google either, but if you want to google it...."
He reached into a pocket and darted his eyes around, before muttering 'just a moment now' and typing it into his cellphone. Then he made a hmmmmm face while resembling a bobble head, for that is how much he was nodding at what he was reading. Who knew the internet had more stuff to read about, other than listings of brew festivals and photos of gaping head wounds for gross out contests? Not him!
"It's like a scientific scale, even. They did tests and shit!" Sam was so going to pull her phone out and start googling something, even though Kili looked like he had more to say, and he did. Still, her free hand was now pulling her phone out.
"Yeah, I know you were, and that woulda been so totally okay with me about a year ago," Sam admitted, with a sad nod. Why were all the hotties coming out of the woodwork now that she was in a committed relationship? Life was unfair.
She started meticulously googling something, though it wasn't the love at first site thing. Wikipedia! There we go, and she had the Kinsey Scale pulled up on her phone now, to show him all about the sliding sexuality scale and why there was one. You're welcome!
"But yeah. No seriously. I had that look on my face when I saw Lara for the first time when I was like fourteen. I know stuff. And she was totally awkwarding the fuck out of here, and it was adorable!"
Kili looked from the scale displayed on the phone to Sam's face, back to the phone again, then her face, and then the phone...all while looking very intensely thinky about this. It requires brutally intense concentration.
For a full minute, he was blissfully silent. The moment passed and his mouth inevitably opened.
He reiterated, "But why? Didn't they have some cancer to try to cure? What's the use in this? Simply say you're this, that, or the other thing, that you might like a bit of both with more than the other, than put a number on it and say you're a three. Why would anyone want to be a number? That's even more labeling, only more sciencier, than the original label of simply saying so with a word. They've complexed it up and why didn't I meet you a year ago?!"
He pointed at her and then accusingly at her phone. He even jabbed it, once, with his index finger. Luckily, the phone didn't foul up or explode on contact. Luckily. And he wasn't quite sure what to say to Sam knowing stuff, because what if it turned into a set up situation and it failed spectacularly, since he had just met this person, and seen the other person for the first time. He might be blabby (occasionally at the worst times ever hi, parasites?), but he could also be a bit suspicious, too. Which was he was giving Sam a stare like he wasn't quite so sure about her knowing stuff. She might know Asian voodoo or the likes.
“I don’t know! They decided to make a scale ‘cause it was easier, maybe? Or maybe to prove that a lot of people are never completely straight or completely gay? A lot of people argue about that, and now you can just look up the number scale on your phone, wave it in their faces, and be like ‘Bitches, stop arguing, there’s SCIENCE for this’ or something!”
Sam pulled her phone back after Kili jabbed his finger at it, momentarily looking down at her phone to make sure her precious baby wasn’t somehow injured by his big jabby finger. He was super militant with his jabbing, she thought. It was good that he was on her side when it came to apocalyptic crazyness.
Or was he? She squinted back at him, “What? Why are you looking at me like that? It’s not my fault we didn’t meet a year ago so we could have hot sex in the bathroom.”
"Fine, I'll give you the stop arguing you bitches defense," Kili was saying, while air jabbing his finger where the phone was, to further accentuate the point he was making. "But that's still not easier! That's 'go look it up on the internet to find out why I'm a six and a half going on seven but reverting from time to time to a five' or whatever that is? I don't know, its all silly to me? People need to do what they want and other people need to shut the fuck up about it. Let them fall in love with whomever they're going to, or in bed with whomever the hell else. It's no one's business, really? Fussing over things that don't need fussed over!"
And that was simply as simple as that, thought Kili. Stop making it complicated! Headbutt it, yell some, and get it over with! Cheers to that!
Cheers also to hot sex in bathrooms! Of course, now that her saying that finally sunk in, he did a visible double take. If there was any soundbyte for that moment, it would sound like car brakes locking up and tires screeching on pavement, or a needle scraping over a record, or glass breaking. Or maybe a combination of the three, since he was suddenly wide and oogly eyed, with eyebrows raised way up.
"Wha...was that last thing you said there?" he asked, like he hadn't heard correctly.
At least he had forgotten about the voodoo, if only momentarily.
"Hot, hot, bathroom sex. Right here, in this bar’s bathroom. Maybe on the sink, or against one of the stalls. Or against the bathroom door if it's not one of those swingy ones." Sam hated the swingy doors. They got in the way of her fun.
She grinned, "I have handcuffs for stuff like that!" Then she blinked, and shook her head, "No wait, I did, but then I left them on this guy I chained to the bathroom stall in the airport. So you're probably lucky? Because I might have left you behind in the bathroom, too!"
“... we are way off topic now,” She added, after a pause.
So off topic. After listening to that? Kili had glassy wide eyes, like his mind went five hundred miles away, and then five hundred miles more, just to be the dwarf man who's traveled a thousand miles because of brain porn. And because he's easily distracted now and then. This was so very distracting.
"...Iwanttobelefthandcuffedinabathroom," he suddenly blurted out, all in one big huff of a breath. One that he had been holding practically the entire time she was speaking. In fact, his stare was half kicked puppy sitting in a mud puddle being rained on, and half ‘Y U DO THAT, ASSHAT?!’
Sam’s eyes widened a bit, and she waved her hands in the air in front of her, “Sorry! Sorry! I’m so sorry, that’s an awesome experience to have and maybe you can have it with someone else.”
Like Tauriel. Sam really thought those two needed to meet, “Maybe I can get my friend to handcuff you to the bathroom, would you like that? Come on, cheer up big guy. I’ll buy you a beer for being so dumb and talking about sex like that. “
She waved for the bartender to break out the good stuff for Kili, “Get this guy like another two pints of awesome beer!”
OH, NEW FAVORITE PERSON HAS JUST MADE IT BETTER. Now it was like the kicked and rained on puppy had the sun shine down upon it like a bright ray of summery warm hope. That was because of the beer. Although the prospect of having a girlfriend who maybe didn't find him too crass or accident prone was like it's own little beacon of hope, too.
"Not going to turn down more drink," because he would have to be puking his guts out ill or mentally incapacitated to ever say no to that. He was still a little suspicious, even though he was a little hopeful too. "If she ran out the door like that, she might not be too warm and fuzzy about handcuffing me in a place like this and us doing anything sexy. I mean, I'm not about to say NO if she wants to, but I'd hope we would get to...."
Do what? Get romantic and smushy together and tell each other their life stories and...that is the least manly thing to admit ever. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, KILI?! EVERYONE IN YOUR FAMILY WOULD STARE AT YOU FUNNY IF YOU SAY THAT OUTLOUD FIX IT YOU DUMBASS.
He was staring in silence at Sam, like a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming semi-truck. It was a long moment while he sorted things out in his head and before he finally spoke.
"...get shitfaced first," he said, with the first thing that came to his brain and flew like so much word vomit, right out of his mouth.
That look was the deal-sealer, according to Sam. It said all kinds of things about the way he was thinking about Tauriel, and 'get shitfaced first' was totally not what was on his mind. At least, she didn't really think so. But it wasn't like she was psychic. She just knew how to read body language pretty well.
"Yeah, getting shitfaced first is always important. And of course no one wants anyone to do anything they aren't comfortable with, but I really just need you to trust me on this one. It can't hurt to at least send her a message on that Valarnet thingie, could it?"
Sam pulled out a pen and then grabbed the finger that Kili had been kind of absently still poking the air with. She wrote Tauriel's name on it, "There you go! Try not to use this finger for anything until you get home. Or something."
Admittedly, Tauriel...and at that point he had read what was written on his finger...was beautiful. He looked like he was memorizing her name by silently sounding it out, before he held up his phone and typed it into there, making himself a note. It was probably the one time he did something foresightful like that, otherwise it would get smeared off and he would be trying to write to a blob instead.
"You don't think that's odd and stalkery?" he asked, looking up from his phone with a squint at Sam. It was the sort of squint that was more than a little iffy. "She might think I'm some sort of scruffy pervert, who really really...wants to get shitfaced with her."
Speaking of that, he dropped his phone onto the table with a loud clunk, and grabbed one of the two pints Sam had ordered for him, and downed one of them. Because liquid courage always helped! That's even if he wasn't about to message her just yet. Any excuse for beer is a good and valid excuse.
The way he looked at the name on his hand and carefully entered it into his phone made Sam’s insides squish. It was adorable, and if she hadn’t been already magically shipping them, that would have been the moment that she started.
"Just tell her that Sam gave you her name. Be charming and nice like you're being tonight instead of creepy stalkery and you'll be fine!" Sam reached out and patted his hand encouragingly, "You've totally got this."
He had to be careful about doing that, because his fingers got punchy and always missed the right letters on the little keyboard part. So any notes and names and phone numbers often were off by a few letters or digits.
"I'll do that, so she can blame you when I'm not charming or nice." He said it with a grin, and then added, "I can probably be nice? It's the charming part that's going to be questionable."
"Well, then just be nice! And she can totally blame me when you're not charming but are instead... like... rough and tumble fighty man. Or something! I am completely okay with taking any and all blame." Sam nodded her head like this was all fine. As long as he actually messaged her friend.
"I can do that," Kili vehemently agreed, because he could manage nice but rough and tumble fighty man. Truth told, he hadn't been in a fight-fight with anyone other than people in his family when they were having a tiff, but there was a first time for everything!
Furthermore, if Asian voodoo lady thought it was good to go, then he supposed that he could faceroll through a message on that valar net thing. He hadn't tried it just yet, and there shouldn't be much harm in just sending a little message to say hello, since it wasn't like they were doing it face to face. Right? RIGHT! This wasn't going to be a problem! Inner pep talk, complete!
"You totally can!" Sam cheered him on, and ordered him one more beer. Just as an encouragement, of course.
She hopped up off the bar, then, and got out some bills to settle the tab with, "Oh I'm Sam by the way! Sam Nishimura."
"Leave it to me, if I forgot to get your name," Kili told her, and he nodded his head to her like it was a courtesy. He thought she had said it before but now, after this many pints, things were bound to get a little fuzzy. He has yet to reclaim his dwarven constitution, with the equivalent of thirteen livers in which to filter out all the alcohol they messily consume. And as a further courtesy, "Thanks for the ale? I'll message you if things go wrong, to warn you that your friend might try to kill you."