Wade Wilson rides the Oliphaunt (crimson_nutcase) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2012-06-22 21:38:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, aveline vallen, wade wilson (deadpool) |
"Sir, have you consumed any mind altering substances today?"
Who: Wade and Aveline
What: Officer interdiction
When: Yesterday
Where: Somewhere
Status: Complete
Rating: PG-13
Need I remind you of the dangers of what we are about to attempt?
"Pssh. It'll be fine. See? I calculated it perfectly."
On a taco wrapper.
Wade straddled a pink lady's bicycle, that he had fashioned a motor to. He rang the little bell, "As long as I hit the right velocity and come up at the right angle, I'll make it to the other side! With the streamers, this plan cannot fail!"
One hundred feet in front of him was a ramp. The jump took him over the top of a half-built building, and onto a ramp at the other side.
Wade rang the little bell again.
Aveline stopped and stared at the man on the pink bicycle. There was a motor on the bicycle that she had some doubts about, and there was a ramp about a hundred feet in front of the man. Which was in front of a partially constructed building.
This was an accident in the making.
"Excuse me, sir, for your own safety and the safety of that property in front of you, I'm going to have to ask you to turn that...contraption...off."
"I'm a certified stuntman," Wade replied, reaching into his pocket to find his certificate. Which he presented to Aveline.
It was printed on a epson printer with a bad color cartridge, and stated:
Wade Wilson
Stuntman Extraawesome
Certified 2012
Veteran of the great beer barrel race
He smiled at her, proudly.
She's not going to buy it.
"It's completely legit, of course she's going to buy it."
Aveline raised an eyebrow. "No, she's not going to 'buy it,' because this is nothing like a license and it's clearly a home-print job. So once again, Mr. Wilson, if that's even your actual name, I'm going to ask you not to pursue...whatever it is you think you're going to manage with that contraption."
told you
"Did not."
Did too.
"Did not."
Did too!
"Hold on, hold on, let me scroll up." And then Wade made little finger motions while he did so, "Oh. You were right. Okay." He scrolled down, then smiled at the nice cop, "You'll have to catch me first!"
He gunned the motor, which promptly spewed out black smoke and died, making a horrendous rattling sound. Not put out in the slightest, Wade started to peddle!
Mr. Wilson was clearly either a pain-in-the-ass, or it was suffering from delusions. Possibly both. She rolled her eyes and managed to grab the handlebars before he could pick up much speed. "Sir, I cannot allow you to attempt this."
Wade was compelled to try again, but the woman's strength was astounding. He stopped trying to peddle and squinted at her.
Oh she's not gay.
"But she's so butch."
That doesn't mean anything.
"Ma'am, do you get all kissy faced with the ladies?"
"...my sexual orientation is none of your business." Aveline stared down at the man. "Sir, have you consumed any mind altering substances today?"
"Chimichangas."
"Sir, chimichangas are not mind altering substances. I mean drugs or alcohol." She paused. "Or is there a medication you're supposed to be taking that perhaps you forgot today?"
"Oh, no no, I don't go on any meds," Wade replied, shaking his head. "They make me live longer, you see. We can't have that."
"Oh." It seemed that she'd managed to unexpectically foil a suicide attempt. "I see."
"So, I need to go make this jump. I've made bigger!" That's what she said. "That's what she said."
"I can't let you try this. You'll end up in the hospital or paying property damages."
Wade's eyes widened, "I can't go to the hospital they'll try to cure me."
"Then don't try the jump," Aveline said. "It's a very easy way to stay out of the hospital."
Wade snorted, "I've made worse." He then proceeded to demonstrate with his hands complete with making motorcycle noises, "And then WHAM."
He looked at Aveline more closely, "Say.... Are you a Weasley?"
"...no, I'm not a Weasley." She wondered if he had a brain tumor. That would probably explain his talking to himself.
Of course she's not a Weasley, does she look like a muggle? "I guess you're right." Wade was disappointed.
"Just...go home and find something to do that doesn't risk hospitalization if you're worried about that," Aveline said.
"Want a chimichanga?" Wade grinned at her, suddenly deciding that bribing an officer of the law was the best idea ever. What's the worse that could happen? He could just call Dommy to bail him out. Or maybe that strange chick he was sure was an hallucination.
"...no thank you." Aveline wasn't sure she wanted to accept food from the man, even if he was probably mostly harmless.
He suddenly realized why she looked familiar. He pointed at her, "Hey! You've worked with Shepard! We never met! I wasn't involved with that mission." He nodded his head, like this all made sense, while his brain just groaned in dismay.
Aveline sighed. Another one of Shepard's cronies. Probably explained a lot of his issues, though. "So you've heard of that. Yes, I was there for that."
Wade placed a hand solemnly on Avelin's shoulder, "I'm so sorry. Do you want to talk about it? Show me on the doll where she made you drive with her."
She stared at him for a moment. It was hard not to laugh, but it seemed inappropriate. She shrugged his hand off. "I'm not interested in talking about it. Just go home, Mr. Wilson."
"All right, miss lady." He grinned at her, rang his bells and then started to peddle off. Ring ring ring!
Aveline took a deep breath and shook her head. She just hoped he didn't end up hurting anyone else if her tried anything crazy again.
Wade makes no promises.