Chop chop
Who: Shepard, Sigrun and Wade What: Shepard is Siggy's Wingwoman and Wade is Wade When: Last Week Where: A bar Status: complete rAting: PG-13 for violence and threatening men's penises
dress</a> that hung only to her mid-thigh. And considering she had legs for miles, it felt really short as she padded downstairs. “That exposed enough?”
Shepard bit her lip and grinned. “Oh yeah. I love being a lesbian right now.” She gave Sig a wink, then nodded her head towards her humvee. “Come on lets go knock some guys dead.” Maybe literally, Shepard was always armed.
Sigrun tipped her head back in laughter. “I’ll take that as a compliment.” she said grinning a bit. Sigrun was armed. There was no two ways around it. Unfortunately she had no where to stash a gun in this outfit, but a knife? well that was tucked ever so sweetly into her bra, hooked there by her own design’d clip. It was small but Sigrun didn’t need much to protect herself. “This should be an adventure.” as she followed her out to the humvee and locked up behind them. “I just hope I don’t run into people from my old career, they’d die of heart attacks of me in a dress.”
“Anyone you want to die?” She winked and got in the car. The bar she’d picked out was a twenty minute drive and as far as she was aware a good place to pick up men. She didn’t doubt either of them could kick a ton of ass if they had to.
“Not really today, maybe later.” she laughed softly as she slid into the seat and watched as they drove. Sigrun wasn’t a social creature and this was going to be a pain she just knew it.
A pain, but a fun pain! Shepard dragged Siggy into the bar and plopped them down on stools. She held up two fingers. “Something light, two gin and tonics.”
She got dragged, thankfully not wearing heels, and got plunked onto a stool. Oh lordy. “That works.” she said after a moment, taking a deep breath and looking around. The only way to shake her confidence was this.
Shepard squeezed her shoulder.” Back straight, act like you own the place, but try not to intimidate anyone. Remember, men are weakassed sissies who like to think they can run everything.”
“Right.” she took a breath and sighed a bit, fixing her stance so she looked a little more confident. She had to walk that fine line because she was easily intimidating. “Truth, they really, really are.”
“That’s why I go for women.” Shepard grinned, and then swiveled to eye the crowd. She spotted a tall man with broad shoulders. He had a square jaw and reminded her of one of her old unit. She elbowed her friend. “How about him?”
“Eh. Still not my thing but sometimes I wonder if my time in the military taught me to be more of a loner than a dating person.” she laughed softly and canted her head towards the man with the jaw. “Maybe”
Nodding, Shepard leaned forward, bumping her shoulder against Sig and trying to catch the man’s eye. “Give him a winning ‘I want to fuck you’ smile.”
Sigrun just side eyed Shepard on that one then reached for her drink. Why did she agree to this again? She took a sip then put on her best smile, which on Sigrun was a touch mischievous and kinda devious looking, and directed it towards the guy. Oops?
The guy noticed, and got up to come over. “Hey ladies.” He checked them both out, and Shepard decided to have a little fun. She rested a hand on Siggy’s leg. “Hello to you too.”
Sigrun checked off, mentally, how many things she wanted to hide from then smiled. “Having a good night?” she asked, head tilted towards him, taking a light breath and dropping her hand over Shep’s. Oh lord, woman, she’s gonna head desk later.
“I’m hoping so,” he said, eyes falling to their hands and a confused look growing on his face. He couldn’t tell if they were ‘together’ or together. Shep nudged Siggy a little bit. “He’s hoping to have a good time.”
Sigrun smirked a bit at that. Hoping. Lordy men were predictable. “Oh yeah?” she grinned. “Got a name?”
“Jack,” he said, holding out a beefy hand. Shepard took his hand in a strong grip. To test him. One of his eyes twitched, as though her grip was just that strong. She batted her eyelashes at him.
“Well Jack, we’re hoping to have a good time too.”
Sigrun took his hand afterwards. Her grip was just as strong as Sheps. But she didn't do the innocent smile. Sigrun was bad at that. But she tried. "Nice to meetcha, Jack. " a smile curled her lips.
She didn't hide the fact she was eye balling him, giving him a good one over. Sigrun lacked in social graces when not actually working... wait then she didn't need them... oops?
“So are you two hanging out together?” Jack was testing the water, trying to figure out if they were with each other or with each other.
Shepard discreetly pushed her fingers into Sigrun’s back to make her stick her chest out more. “Oh, we’re just close friends.”
Sigrun wasn't sure if she was going to thank Shepard or kick her ass later. The fingers on her back made her shift, which of course put her chest further forward and out.
She smiled at Jack. "We're close, is that a problem?" She asked as sweetly as Sigrun could manage.
Jack’s eyes fell to Sigrun’s chest and it became impossible to look away. “No, not a problem. I don’t mind close. Friends are good. Friends. I have friends. Not here. Would you like to meet my brother.” He finally looked at Shepard.
Sigrun side eyed Shepard trying not to laugh. Lord almighty men just fell over boobs like they’d never seen em before. Goodness gracious. “You have friends huh?” she smirked a bit at that.
“Yeah I got a friend.” He grinned nervously, sweating a little. There was, though, just a moment later a commotion towards the back. A chicken came running past, squawking in a panic, followed by a man wielding a meat cleaver.
“Come back here Mr. Bobbins!”
Wade skidded to a halt and stared at Jack, who stared back. Jack started to back away. “Oh shit.”
“Mr. Bobbins gets a reprieve,” Wade said, twirling his cleaver in his hand and then chasing after Jack, who took off at a sprint. “YOUR WIFE SAYS HELLO! HOLD STILL! I JUST NEED TO HACK IT OFF FOR PROOF!”
Shepard pressed her hand to her face.“What the fuck?”
Sigrun just stared in what she wasn't sure if it was abstract horror or pure awe at the crazy wtf shit.
She closed her eyes and just started laughing.."oh my god this city never fails to amuse me. What the fuck?" She looked over at Shepard.
"Well looks like he wasn't worth the time then." Though she tilted her head to watch the cleaver bearing man chase Jack.
“What the actual fuck,” Shepard muttered. “God, I think we need to step in before someone gets killed.” She slipped off the stool and produced a gun from...somewhere. “I recognize the guy with the cleaver. Come on.”
Sigrun didn’t even bother with the knife, merely hopped to her feet (once again glad she didn’t have heels on) and started after the crazy guy with the cleaver, and her boss. “Is it sad I’m vaguely amused by Jack being chased by a guy with a cleaver? It should be wrong that I’m amused but I am.” she and Shep were the few who were moving towards the chaos. Ah how she loved being that girl.
“Oh it’s funny,” Shepard said, laughing. She led Sigrun outside, where Deadpool had Jack cornered.
Wade was waving the cleaver in agitation. “Come on. Just the tip. I only need to lop a little bit off to be paid. Yeah, I know he deserves it, and the money is good.” He tilted his head and grinned at Jack. “See, two out of two brains agree, we need to cut it off.”
Jack put his hands in front of his crotch and backed into a wall. “I’ll pay that bitch I’ll pay her I promise!”
Sigrun carefully leaned on a wall to watch. Mostly because she had an itch in the back of her brain that said wait.
“You know. I never thought of a meat cleaver as a good payment incentive before. Too bad they didn’t let me experiment in the Marines. That could have been useful for some of the hard ones.” she said, mulling it over with a smirk. Then she lifted her head a bit and called out to Jack.
“Hey - sounds like you got a problem mister. Question is. Should I sit back and watch or figure this mess out?” she grinned a bit more. Sigrun wasn’t the angel.
“I dunno,” Wade said, spinning the cleaver around a bit. “She really, really wants me to cut it off.”
Shepard rubbed her chin. “I almost think we should just stand here and watch. Could be fun.”
She idly checked under a nail for dirt. “What’d he do to deserve it?” she asked idly as she looked up, head tilted slightly. She chewed on her lip a bit then pushed off the wall, and almost lazily walked over to Jack, nails trailed along his shoulder as she stepped to his side. “You cheat on your wife? is that it?” she leaned down to ask the question, depending on the answer, and their decisions, she was in a good position to put the poor man in a choke hold and hold him down.
“I mean, I do know field medicine. You won’t die. You’ll not be happy, but…” her lips pursed into a grin.
“Oh yeah. He was sticking his dip stick in the babysitter,” Wade said. Jack backed into a wall as he approached, and Shepard took the safety off her gun. She didn’t like people who cheated.
“Listen to the lady. She’ll take good care of you.”
One strong arm curled around the man's neck with ease, her other hand came up to brace. "Oh well I don't like cheaters." She tightened her grip, not enough to choke him out but he wasn't running any.
"I really hate cheaters."
“Chop chop,” Wade said. He bounced from foot to foot. “Just need the tip!”
Shepard snerked, and pressed her gun against Jack’s forehead. “We don’t want to get messy. Sure there’s not something else she’d take?”
Wade thought about that, tapping his finger against his lip. “You know. I think I know just the thing! But she really really wants the tip.”
Jack’s pants suddenly became wet. “ANYTHING BUT THAT!”
"You get my dress messy you won't have to worry about the guy with the cleaver" she said against Jack's ear. She delicately moved so his little bladder problem wouldn't touch her and heaved a sigh.
Men.
"Well what else could we do then, my dress is white, I really don't feel like getting the only one I own covered in blood tonight. Come on, spill it" eyes shifting to stare at Wade.
Wade held up a finger, tilting his head as he listened to the voices. “Uh huh. No. No. Maybe. Oh that’s kind of hot. You think they’re fucking? Probably not she goes for darker types. Hey. Okay.”
He pointed at Jack. “I’ll just take your hair.”
Sigrun rolled her eyes. This may be the one time she thanks god for all the wack jobs she's dealt with over the years. Talking to one's self was peanuts compared to some of the crap people did when losing their mind in another country. "I'm sure every male here wishes we were." Her lips pressed into a smirk though.
Her bracing hand came up to hold the guys head down. "Take the hair then. " she was grinning a bit.
“My girl would kill her if she tried anything,” Shepard said cheerfully. She leaned over Sigrun to get a closer look.
“Thanks for the help, this job is a pain sometimes.” Wade swung the cleaver and took several inches of hair. “DING!”
“And I rather like living.” she grinned, laughing a bit. “I love the fact of how terrified he looks.” she mused as she held him for Wade.
“No problem. Trust me, I understand how hard that kind of thing can get.” she grinned a bit as she let him go once the hair was cut. “Ooh you’re gonna wanna go to a barber after this.” she teased.
Shepard laughed. “It’s a little lopsided but you’re lucky, it could be worse. If I wanted to fill out the paperwork I’d just shoot you.”
“Pffffffffffft.” Wade draw a gun the size of a small cannon out of his pocket.
“No, Wade.”
“Aww…”
“Blood on my dress, sir, not a fan. Not happening.” she let go of the guy and smirked as she stepped out of the way.
“Wow, he sounds really disappointed.” Sigrun grinned a bit. “That hair, god, best hair-cut I’ve ever seen.” she couldn’t help it. Then side eyed Wade again. “Fate says not his time, so please don’t.”
“Pfft. Fate. Not as hot as Death.” Wade put his gun away and sighed. It was hard being effectively immortal and madly in love with Death. Love at first sight, even!
Shepard waved at Jack as the man took off running. “I think he shit himself.”
"Sorry" she said not really sorry at all. Though she kind of understood. Valkyrie etc. Death. Fate.. totally her realm.
"Smells like it." Her lips twitched in a grin. "Well he was a bad choice then." Head tilted to the side. "I just don't see this working well, Shepard" Sig said honestly. Men. Ugh.
“Clearly we need to go some place else,” She admitted, though she was loathe to. She gestured at the psychopath now kissing his cleaver. “Or him?”
“Clearly.” she sighed a bit. She arched a brow at the psychopath kissing his cleaver. “You know. I may have done that to my gun before.” she gestured to him you know, kissing the meat cleaver. “But usually it’s saved my life.” she canted her head at him. God damn he’s a little weird.
“You already met Betsy,” Wade said referring to his big gun. “She’s a sweetheart. Wait? What? I know she is. Do you think so? I’m not so sure about that, how will we get nylon stockings long enough?”
Shepard make a cuckoo motion with her finger.
She ran her nails through her hair and rubbed her temples. “Is it sad I’ve met people just as off the wall as he is?” she asked Shepard with half smirk. “At least he can entertain himself.” She decided, not to ask about why and what the nylon stockings were for. She was pretty sure she had no desire to know.
She gave Shepard a look that read: really, this guy? brows arched and everything.
“This night is a bust,” Shepard admitted. “Come on, I know this great dyke bar, if you’re with me no one will hit on you and we can drink in peace.”
“Fair enough. Let’s get our drink on there.” she smiled a bit, and tossed a wave to the crazy guy talking to himself.