Red Sonja was gone and in her place was a big, beefy man styled after one of the Village People.
Who: Mystique and Renji What: Mystique screws with Renji at the drive thru Where: the drive-thru when: Recently Status: Complete rating: PG-13
Another day at the drive thru window. Renji wasn’t sure he could find another job where ‘shinigami’ and ‘lieutenant of squad six’ on a job application. Not that he really wanted to quit. This job was cake, aside from the wealth of stupid that hit the drive thru in droves at dinner time.
The slowdowns were good too, because that meant it was nap time. And he got free food, which was a bonus score. It meant he didn’t scarf down on all of the food at home quite so much, and he got to graze off some of the orders before he threw the bags out the window.
...Renji was not earning an employee of the month award on a regular basis. This month it was Manuel, whom he is calling Julio, because he’s not the brightest star in the heavens.
And that is why he was sleeping with the drive thru window open and his chin resting on it, so he looked like he was idly waiting for someone to drive up during one of the slow spells. This is his idea of a ruse, because it left his back turned to the manager’s office and made him look like he was awake...even if he is snoring loudly and has a spit bubble coming out of his mouth now and then.
Keeping it classy and upholding that work ethic. Yeah huh.
A woman on a motorcycle pulled up. She was wearing sexy, revealing leather and when she pulled her helmet off she had long black hair. She poked him in the nose. "Hey. I want a taco. No lettuce, just meat. Lettuce is for bitches."
The current spit bubble went pop as Renji woke up, with a complimentary 'nnnh' noise. He moved his head back so he could stare cross-eyed at the finger and then focused in on hot biker chick.
"I thought chicks liked to eat salad," said Mr. Tactless, because he has a permanent case of word vomit and foot-in-mouth disease. The unfortunate thing is that he doesn't realize he is afflicted at all. "Look. I don't know if you missed the gigantic fuggin' pineapple sign there? But it sure as shit doesn't say Taco Bell or Taco Time or Taco Hell or any freakin' thing that has to do with tacos. This' a teriyaki burger place. It's like Hawaii screwed a hambuger and had a baby. Got it?"
"Do I look like a valley girl?" Raven tilted her head, eyeing him. She waited for him to blink and then suddenly she turned into a blonde cheerleader, tits and blonde handlebars and everything.
"How about, like, a teriyaki chicken thing."
Renji stared and then scowled. Ferociously. Because this. Just. FIGURED.
"Dammit. This figures. Another crappy ass dream. Only this time, I'm awake in the stupid dream again and I'm at work. Of all the shitty stuff to have happen...just hold on, I got this." Renji turned his head and hollered at the top of his lungs, "HEY, JULIO?! THIS DREAM SHAPESHIFTER BIKER CHICK WITH BIG TITS WANTS A TACO, ALL MEAT, NO LETTUCE! LIKE THAT ISN'T AN OBVIOUS TIP OFF THAT THIS' ALL ANOTHER STUPID DREAM, HUH?! CHICKS LIKE SALAD! I’M HAVING ONE OF THOSE LEWEREST DREAMS WHERE YOU’RE AWAKE IN THEM!"
The cook was giving him a look like he had grown horns and the horns were spewing fire and brimstone out of them. But Renji was unfazed. He simply stared back at the woman with heavy-lidded eyes, and confidently said, "Heh. I have all this crap figured out. It's gonna take a lot more than this to outsmart me."
Only it really doesn't. Because he’s on the fence about all the weird (i.e. - he still doesn’t to admit it’s real since it still feels a little crazy saying that). And yes, that’s even though the universe itself is practically facepalming at all of the stubborn sauce he’s been basted in for the past however many months now.
This was too much. Just too much. Because when Renji turned his head back to her, instead of a raven-haired vixen or a blonde bombshell, there stood a red-headed firebrand, straight out of Red Sonja. Complete with the bikini.
“By Crom if you don’t get me some meat I’m going to tear your head off and stick it on a pike in front of this place as a warning!”
Unfortunately, Renji's drive thru etiquette in his dreams was just as bad as it was when he was awake. Only he's awake right now. And he was looking right at her, with a vastly unamused expression of so having this all figured out.
"Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Give Julio a sec to get it done, will ya? I mean, if he gets it done right now, then that'd be great. Dream time's all smushed up anyway." He waved a hand dismissively and then reached over to fill up a large drink cup with some soda. What? He's dream thirsty. "So lemme guess. Any second, some big dinosaur or a bunch of barbarians are going to come riding by and you'll have to take off to kick some ass. Right?"
Because, you know, he has this all figured out. He read about lucid dreaming. Once. On wikipedia. Now he thinks he's an expert.
“No, I have to overthrow the male patriarchy and install an all amazon-led council that will decide which men need to be castrated,” she replied, deadpanned. Messing with Rogue’s boyfriend friend was more fun than she could have possibly hoped.
Boyfriend what in the who now? Renji was 110% clueless when it came to romantic anything, and if he did have an inkling of liking someone, he was generally retarded about it and never said anything about it to the person in question. Like Rukia. In his dreams, he liked Rukia. As more than friends, even. He worked his way up to lieutenant because of her.
Did he ever say anything? Heeeeeeeeeeeeell no. His rate of progress in that regard was slower than a glacier moves in any direction when it's carving out canyons.
In fact, the only reason he said anything about liking Rogue, was because someone slipped truth serum into Orange County's water supply. See? Renji has it all figured out.
For someone having it all figured out, Renji's facial expression was pretty much of the crickets chirping variety, because this dream was all sorts of weird. He grunted, like a common variety male, and then turned his head and yelled out, "HEY, JULIO?! HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO MAKE DREAM TACOS? I'M GONNA SEND IN THIS AMAZON BARBARIAN CHICK TO CUT YOUR DICK OFF IF YA DON'T HAUL SOME FRIGGIN' BALLS!"
He looked back at Mystique, having zero clue she was a.) real or b.) in any way related to Rogue.
"Ya wanna soda with that or what?" he asked, as he ruthlessly stabbed a straw into his soda cup and started sucking on it. That soda was obviously his, but it couldn't be put past him to just hold it out to her after he's sucked down half of it...because he's done that before.
“Diet, please,” She replied. Red Sonja was gone and in her place was a big, beefy man styled after one of the Village People. He stared deadpanned at Renji, mustache twitching and manly muscles rippling.
"My brain's a messed up place," Renji deadpanned, turning to get the soda and grab the bag that Manuel was holding out to him. It did, actually, contain some makeshift tacos, or at least a passable facsimile. It's taco-like.
He held out both the drink and the bag, and for once he didn't take a sip off the soda. Because it's diet. Eww.
"Here, lady. Dude. Whatever. Just throw me some money and I'll give it to Julio, because there's no button I can punch for tacos on the register."
The Village person was gone and replaced by Dr. Girlfriend from Venture Brothers. She took the food and handed over a twenty. In a raspy voice, she said, “Keep the change, honey.”
And then she revved the motorcycle and zoomed off.