Who: Sigrun, Canaan What: Sorting through Canaan's emotional stuff. When: Backdated to 12/23 or so. Before Christmas. Where: Sigrun's apartment. Rating/Warnings: PG-13 for mentions of brief character death, injury. Status: Complete!
It had actually been days since Canaan had eaten properly, weeks if she tried to keep count. Even during her brief time in the hospital following the mission, she hadn’t managed to eat much of what the hospital was trying to feed her.
Now that Motoko was awake, she could at least stop worrying about that. The bags of food she’d brought to Sigrun’s door smelled delicious, and she thought she might even actually be hungry. She knocked, and waited for the blonde woman to appear. Just as she’d been instructed to, she’d spent most of the time trying to relax and breathe. She was still doing that while she waited.
Sigrun padded silently from the living room of the open-floor planned house to the door and opened it with a smile. “Come in come in.” she took a deep breath. “Ooh that smells lovely.” she stepped out of the way and closed the door behind Canaan. She gestured to the wooden table in the living room, closer to the kitchen side. “Set everything there. Do we need utensils or did they get packed with?” she asked as she lightly walked into the kitchen, feet silent, and with minimal limp, although it was there.
“I’m glad you came.” she said honestly, looking out at her friend.
"There are some packed in, we should be all set," Canaan replied, with a nod. She padded into Sigrun's place, taking in the open floor plan and how spacious everything felt. It was nice, but it also felt a little overwhelming. She was so used to staying in cramped, cozy places.
Canaan still had some bruises around her right eye, but if any other injuries remained from her recent brush with death, it thankfully didn't show. She set their meal down on the table, and then managed a smile for her friend, "I'm... glad that you're here, at all. I'm still not sure what to do with more than one friend, but..."
She took a breath, and let it out, "Well, it's nice to have someone to talk to. And share a meal with, that isn't my lover."
"Don't thank me I'm equally as thankful for a friend. I've collected a couple but I'm not used to being open with anyone." She smiled a touch a she plunked down in a seat.
"Let's dig in, then and we'll talk as we go. I apologize ahead of time of I eat like a starving crazy person. I tend to forget I can relax at home" Sigrun smiled at her and gestured for her to sit down. "I'm glad you're willing to trust me"
"That's a mutual thing. It's hard to find people who you can really trust, especially in our lines of work." Which was at least true for Canaan. She was lucky in that so far, Gin could be trusted, but other assassins were notoriously untrustworthy when their skin was on the line.
She took a seat and pushed a few cartons of food towards Sigrun, along with some eating utensils, then opened her own, "I might eat like a starving animal, too, so you're in good company there."
The food smelled too good not to tear into right after she was done speaking, in fact.
She dug right in, brushing hair out of her eyes, opening boxes and taking food as she decided what she wanted. She nibbled on one thing after another before looking up at Canaan.
"Our work does not lend itself to trust. We might be worlds different but the idea is the same. We have very few we can trust. It's awful, but it's reality. I don't think in my dreams I trust anyone if anyone." She tilted her head a bit.
"Mmm." Canaan grunted, and nodded her head at the same time. She'd picked up one of the containers of food so that she could eat out of it more quickly, not exactly worried about appearances at the moment. But she was finished with it now, and she set it down on the table.
"I trusted Siam. But I don't think I even trusted Maria. She was a big part of my dreams, but I didn't trust her to take care of herself. And I was... hurt by her at one point. She had a hard time accepting who I really was, when she saw it. I never wanted her to be that disappointed with me again, but it was hard to trust her emotions towards me after that."
She reached for liquid and chased the food down with it. “Trust is something hard fought for and easily lost. I think I trust my boss, which would be silly not to since he’s Odin, but otherwise it’s trust my gut and even those I contract for, I don’t trust in the same fashion.” she shrugged a bit.
“I find trust rather difficult. People abuse it so easily, so readily, that no one seems to understand just how important it is.” she sat back against the seat and looked to Canaan. “Finding kindred spirits helps, of course, trust is easier then.”
Canaan grabbed her drink and leaned back in her chair, looking thoughtful and just slightly resolved, "I think... I trusted Motoko. I trusted that she could take care of herself, that she was the one thing I didn't have to worry about. Combat is easier when you don't have to look over your shoulder and make sure your comrades are okay. I'm not used to going into things with too many others around me because of that."
She waved her hand a bit, while trying to get her brain to find the words for the emotions she was feeling, "But it's not her fault the trust was broken. We couldn't have known what we were up against. I can't blame her for... lack of intel. You don't always know everything going in. And I feel like I'm blaming her anyway."
“Combat truly is easier when the only person who you have to take care of is yourself. I know from my Dreams I’m a loner. I tend to go out on my own. I tend to be just me. Probably for similar reasons. I don’t like having to account for people. It’s harder.” she set her drink down and nodded.
“Then you have to sit back and try to figure out why you’re blaming her even though you KNOW that it isn’t her fault and it isn’t something she could have controlled. So why, why do you think you ARE blaming her?” she asked, looking at her friend with a level gaze as she picked up her drink again and took a sip.
There was nowhere to hide when Sigrun looked at her like that. That gaze tended to pierce through internal armor and cut through everything. It was a quality that Canaan greatly appreciated, but right now she wished she was anywhere else.
"I don't know why. I..." She frowned, then shook her head, "Maybe because it was her mission and I was helping. Maybe because she should have had more intel, but... no. That isn't fair."
After a pause, she added, "Because she died. She convinced me she was capable, she made me think that I didn't need to worry about her, and then she barely made it out of there. She almost made me go without her. She's my life."
Sigrun sat forward and kept her eyes on her friend. She was unapologetic about that gaze, it was the same look she’d use on people she was interviewing (read: interrogating) and she was good at it. She didn’t necessarily mean to use it on Canaan but she wouldn’t be sorry about it either.
The wish to be elsewhere was normal when faced with one of Sigrun’s looks. She blinked once and the gaze softened just a touch. “You need to look hard at that last statement and find a way to get rid of that blame - because mistakes happen. Things fall apart. The best laid plans fall apart the moment you step into the field. Every backup plan falls apart. The more variables the faster it does it. So you have to find a way to stop blaming her for it.”
She shifted her weight slightly in her seat and crossed her legs at the knee, her better but sore knee on top. “You need to realize no matter how much you love her. How much she is your life - that you can’t solve every problem. You can’t fix every issue. You can’t patch every mistake. And she’ll likely wander into something she can’t handle, just like anyone else. Yes, I know, in our kind of work it’s more likely to be a fatal mistake, but you can’t sit there and try to put her in a bubble. But you can’t blame her either. The best you can do is stand by her side, face the issues as they come and keep pressing forward. The longer you blame her, the harder it will be for you to trust her. To not be wary and hesitant.” she sipped from her drink, Sigrun didn’t usually talk so much in one go but sometimes she found a point she had to hammer home. At least she didn’t have the actual hammer around. Or ax. This time it was just metaphorical.
Canaan might have preferred the physical hammer and axe, instead. Verbal confrontation was a lot more difficult to deal with or face than actions were, at least for her. Sigrun meant well, and it wasn't like Canaan could argue with her. But her friend's words forced her to dredge up her problems and then face them head on.
The right to decide belongs to the living. Those words - or something close to those words - had been rattling around in her head since that dream. Motoko wasn't among the living, not technically speaking, and Canaan knew that was the biggest problem for her. It terrified her. Her girlfriend could disappear from the world simply by hitting an 'off' switch. No matter how much will to 'live' she had, she was a machine, and it was that easy. Everything she loved, gone. Just like that.
She clenched her hands together so hard that her fingernails bit into her palms, and nodded her head, "I have to decide. I can't let her die more than that. And you're right. If I keep blaming her... it'll kill her. Kill us. I should be supporting her instead."
Canaan probably did prefer the physical hammer but Sigrun knew when it was time to be verbal. Of course she also didn’t like beating up her friends. It was bad for business that. She grinned at her, she wanted to help her friend out, even if it meant digging up the bad.
“It’s not an easy choice, never is. But you do have to decide. You do have to figure out what you’re going to do next. Because she needs you - and all of you, not hesitant, undecided you.” she said calmly as she picked at one of the boxes, taking a bite of food. “I’d rather not see you dead because you let this go on too long without resolution.” she said honestly.
Though her hands were starting to sting, Canaan held her position for a little while longer, still as a stone and deep in thought. It was possibly the second greatest luck in the world that her and Sigrun had become friends. The words were exactly what she needed to hear - even if they maybe weren't what she wanted to hear.
But she made that choice, made it in her head, too, and then she stopped tensing up her hands and reached for a container of food. There were still a few pieces of chicken in them, and she snatched one out without even reaching for a fork, "Yes. All of me, not just parts of me. I have to give her everything because... it's got to have been bad for her, too, and I think I might have hurt her this whole time. Everything between us lately has been like one or both of us is holding their breath. And I can't lose her. I don't want to."
“Then there you go.” she said simply as she took a stab of chicken and popped it in her mouth. She grinned at her friend. “It probably was just as hard for her as it was for you. By panicking and hesitating, and holding part of yourself back, she probably is unsure of herself now too. Every action we take, can affect how people react to us. She’ll come around and once you let go of your fears, it’ll be easier on you both. Promise.” she smiled softly.
“You’re a good person, Canaan, but we’ve been conditioned to be careful of our connections outside of work. We’re cautious about giving our hearts to people - Look at me, I’ve not had a date since I was in my early 20’s and I’m halfway to 40, more than that really. I realized I regret it now, because facing retirement again, with a new line of work that I’m excited about, I realize I have very few people to fall back on when I have down time. I didn’t ever think I’d get lonely but I find myself worried I will. So, you have a beautiful gift - don’t let it go because you’re worried about what will happen, yeah?” she said with a smile, not letting the fact that she was actually worried about being lonely forever seep into her eyes. She was a tough girl and she had new fears with her Dreams - immortality was a long time, or near immortality anyways - and the thought of losing people to time was as scary as being alone.
"When you put it like that, I feel even more stupid for letting my fears get to me like this. I can't believe I almost gave that gift up or pushed it away from me." Canaan was angry at herself, now, more than anything, but at least that was an easier emotion to deal with.
As for Sigrun being alone, though, she shook her head, "You won't be too lonely. I'll be around here for a while to come, and I'm sure over time you'll find that one person who you can give your heart to, too. Then we'll be having this conversation all over again in the other direction, maybe, and I can remind you what a gift it is to let yourself be vulnerable long enough to love someone like that."
“You’re not stupid, just scared. It happens to everyone. Promise.” she smiled gently. “But now that you realize it, you can make the most of it without letting yourself hold back. It’s nice, isn’t it? To realize something that was pretty much in your face?” she teased as she reached for her drink and sipped from it.
Sigrun laughed softly at her words. “Eh. I’ll get over it. I don’t need anyone. I get to live a long life, I’d rather not subject people to it.” she smiled, though. “But if it ever happens, then, we can have this talk again the other way around, because dishing out advice is always so much easier, isn’t it?”
"Much easier than taking it," Canaan agreed, with a laugh. She lifted up her drink, though, and saluted Sigrun with it, "But I'm glad we can both dish it out as well as we can listen to it. And I'm glad that I have someone who can help me see something that was right in front of me the whole time. Here's to boldly marching forward."
Now all Canaan had to do was actually boldly march forward in Motoko's direction, and fix this. Somehow.