Ezio Auditore da Firenze (ex_assassino897) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2014-01-13 22:57:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, alyssa hamilton, ezio auditore da firenze |
Who: Ezio Auditore and Alyssa Hamilton
What: Alyssa needs some help
When: 1/12
Where: Ezio's office
Rating: PG13 for sex talk and discussion of trauma
Status: Complete
Ezio was back at work, slightly ill-rested after an enjoyable night with Alex, but at least he had a spare suit on the back of his office door. It would be very poor form to wear the same one, even if he hadn’t been home yet. He’d have to manage with stubble, though.
He looked at his appointment book as he brewed a pot of strong coffee. Alyssa Hamilton was first today. Eighteen, and she’d listed her issues as dream related. He could handle that. The dreams were proving most interesting, if hard to hear about. He hoped that this young girl wasn’t going through anything too horrible. Hearing about dealing with fun new powers or pining after a man would be a nice change from the pain he heard every day.
She’d come straight from school, which wasn’t saying much since she’d switched to online classes. She’d made sure to actually put on clothes and not arrive in her pajamas, her hair and makeup done. It was starting to get back to her old self, which she supposed was good. And therapy was a good step as well. She moved to sit in the waiting room, leafing through the email on her phone as she sat.
Ezio made sure his hair wasn’t standing on end, then grabbed his appointment book and stuck his head out into the lobby. “Miss Hamilton?” There was only one person in the lobby, a petite redhaired girl checking her phone. “I am Doctor Auditore.”
Looking up, Alyssa didn’t know who she expected to see. Just not a gorgeous, tall, Italian man. “Cor,” she murmured, staring at him for a moment before sitting up straighter. “I ... yeah, sorry, right.”
Ezio didn’t entirely know what that meant, but he did see the surprise on her face. “Come in, please.” He held the door for her, though he did ask once they were back in his office. “Is something wrong? You looked surprised.”
“I didn’t... expect you to be young. And handsome.” Alyssa blushed as she sat down, biting her lower lip. “I’m sorry, you must get that a lot.”
Not in this way. She was very young, and made him feel not unlike the teacher that all the students pined after. Alex would no doubt be very amused when he told her the story later. “It’s all right. Please, make yourself comfortable.” Her skirt was a decent length, despite her forwardness. She’d said her issues were dream related, and he began to wonder what exactly. “How may I help you?”
“Well, my dreams have ... resulted in me being a bit ... well, I see ghosts and that’s made me a bit upset. Plus I was kidnapped middle of last year. And I just broke up with someone so I feel really guilty about that. Probably have daddy issues, that’s what one of my mates says. Really, you pick.” Alyssa crossed her legs modestly, leaning back and wrapping her cardigan tighter around her shoulders.
Ezio blinked. “Poverina! What a year!” He shook his head. “I am sorry, first and foremost. No one should have to go through such trials.” It might be silly, but sometimes he’d found that his patients were cheered a bit merely by someone acknowledging their pain.
She smiled lopsidedly. “Thanks. It’s ... what it is, I suppose. I can’t change any of it, so I try to just roll with the punches, really.” It was nice of him, and made her relax.
“And this is not a terrible idea in the short term, but it will kill you in the long term,” Ezio said. “So I am glad you have come here. I am trained in helping trauma victims first and foremost, but let us not make mistakes - things like breakups and our dreams, they are smaller traumas. So if you worry, if you feel like you overreact - you likely do not. These things are difficult.” He sat back, looking at her. “What would you say troubles you the most, signorina? What would you like to talk about first?”
She closed her eyes and chuckled a little. “God. I don’t even know. I suppose the most recent thing is that I feel... really wretched about breaking up with my ex, Damian. Really awful. I feel like I wasn’t ready for a commitment, not really, when we started dating, but I didn’t know. Part of me wants to beat myself up for being a liar, for being manipulative like my mum. The rest of me, well, I really think I did love him. It just didn’t last.” Alyssa was unaware of the subtle wringing of her hands she was doing.
Ezio, of course, noticed. “May I ask how old you are? I do not ask so I can write you off, but because relationships are different at different ages.” He would guess high school age or maybe university, but she didn’t quite seem like the average dizzy schoolgirl. She seemed more weary. Was it the trauma, or had she been born older?
“I’m eighteen.” She looked down and laughed. “People either think I’m fifteen or thirty, depending on how they see the world, I suppose.”
“So far, it has been difficult for me to tell.” Ezio said. “You look about that age, and indeed, an eighteen year old girl flirted with me in the hall.” He chuckled. “But a much older woman told me what happened to her. I cannot imagine that many boys of seventeen or eighteen are able to understand that.”
“I went to boarding school,” Alyssa murmured. “I think it’s because I had to raise myself that sometimes I seem older.” She bit her lower lip and looked up, trying not to cry. “My mum couldn’t handle my father leaving when I was three. She wasn’t good with me, so when she could, she sent me off.”
“It is very brave, that you can say this.” Ezio’s tone was all sympathy, and he meant it. “I never mean to cause you pain, with my questions, Miss Alyssa. But to speak of something helps to understand it, and to neutralize its power. You should not have to be your own parent. But the fact that you did, I think, will help explain why you might view the world differently than some. Even before these dream-powers.”
She nodded. “Therapy is a process, like setting a bone. Sometimes you have to hurt to get better. I just ... never really had anyone but myself that was reliable, you know? I couldn’t tell you who my father is. I know his name, but if he walked in right now I wouldn’t know it. And Mum’s more like a flatmate than anything else. My mate Logan’s more my dad than anyone, and his fiancée Velma’s more of a mum than I’ve ever had.” She only just realized that, and she hoped it wouldn’t make Velma resent her or something.
“I understand. People by nature are fickle, and when you have had to look after yourself, they seem ten times worse.” Ezio nodded. “I had to in my dreams - my family was murdered, and I was alone. Or so I thought. Later I found the women - my mother, and my sister - but I looked after myself for some time.”
Alyssa’s eyes went wide. “Oh my god, I am so sorry.” Her dreams didn’t seem as bad as compared to a whole family murdered. “Are they all right otherwise? When you’re awake?”
“Oh, yes, yes, they are fine. It is not that which sobers me. They are fine here, so I make do. My point was that I remember even more the sense of being alone. So when my mother reappeared, it was twice the gift.” Ezio shrugged. “Is this how you feel about this friend Logan? The few people you do keep close? Are they extra important?”
She nodded. “Logan I ... he was my first love. It’s ironic - my mum dated him when I was very small, then I ran into him here one day. He’s a bit like a surly bear, but he’s quite sweet.”
Ezio’s eyebrows shot up. “You dated a man who has dated your mother?” That was Freudian to an ultimate degree. “Signorina, did you not consider the implications of that? I am not an expert in the “daddy issues,” but I do not think one has to be.”
“I didn’t mean to, it just sort of happened. To be fair, I was the one that dumped Logan. And I don’t think what he and Mum did is what someone would strictly call dating.” She folded her arms over her chest, feeling a little defensive.
“That is of course fair.” One night stands weren’t dating. “Just ... Signorina Hamilton, I am not endeavoring to judge you. But young ladies gravitate toward older men for one of two reasons, usually.” He ticked them off on his hands. “One, because they feel safer with a man who has seen the world and what is in it, and two; because people their own ages bore them to tears. From what I can see of you, both appear to be true.”
“That’s so. But I’m still thankful I was smart enough to know Logan would break my heart. I left before he could. He ... I don’t think I’m someone he could ever love. But I did set him up with my best mate Velma, so that has to count for good karma somewhere.” She beamed, still proud of that. “They’re engaged, with a little one on the way.”
“It sounds as though you still care for him.” Ezio had to say it. It was obvious.
“Course I do. He’s one of my best friends. I’ll always care about him, just not in the same way as before.” Alyssa smiled. “Love doesn’t end, I don’t think, it just changes.”
Ezio looked at her for a long minute before deciding she wasn’t lying. She’d sounded too happy about her friends’ expecting a little one. “But, the point being. Is it possible that you have known this about you and older men? If so, it would mean that dating a boy your own age was a try at feeling ‘normal’.” He used finger quotes.
“Exactly, and look how that turned out.” Alyssa sighed, running her fingers through her hair. “All I did there was make people cry.”
“I understand how it feels, and I understand your embarrassment, especially when it comes to the boy. But at the same time, you are one of the few young ladies that I would say should date older men. Or women, if you prefer.” Ezio shook his head. “You cannot change how you view the world, signorina. You need to find someone who sees it the same way. Statistically, that will likely be someone older than you. It should not be about ‘normal.’ It should be about what you need.”
She nodded. “Damian’s a bit of an old soul too. Just... he was always jealous, and I never felt like I was good enough and somewhere along the way, I ... the love left.” She smiled lopsidedly. “I’d never had to tell someone that before. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done.”
“It is extremely difficult.” Ezio nodded. “And let me be clear - he may still be hurt, and he may be for some time. But the best you can do is explain yourself. Then, any pain he feels is up to him. You cannot rewind time; you cannot force yourself to love him. All you can do is apologize. And learn from it.”
“I did. And I have. It’s why the sexual relationship I have now is sort of ideal. I need the distraction, but ... neither of us want to date the other, so that’s something, right?” She was waiting for Ezio to look at her and say no, but it wasn’t as if his opinion would colour her relationship with Christian overly much. She needed the friend.
Hm. “Sometimes, sex is just sex. And it is entirely possible to not develop feelings for a sex partner. But I would simply say to keep your eyes open. If your feelings change, or his do, you should not be at all surprised.” Ezio had to smile a little. “It does happen.”
“His won’t. If mine do, I’ll simply let him know and watch him run.” Alyssa laughed blackly, looking at her hands. “I’m good at that.”
Yet another turn. “It sounds as though you would be sad to lose this man. I thought you had no real relationship?”
“He’s becoming a good friend. I’d be sad to lose that. Well, the sex too, it’s rather fantastic.” She blushed beet red before covering her face with her hands.
Ezio didn’t reply, instead just watching her. It was a tool he sometimes employed, to see if his patients - especially the younger ones - would blurt anything out when faced with his calm face. He honestly wasn’t sure if she was in denial or lying.
She looked up at him. “What.”
“Nothing. Just thinking.” She was a bit too self-possessed for that. “I do not think you are lying, but it seems a bit ... I don’t know, signorina. I am not sure. It seems as though you are now a bit frightened of calling a relationship what it is. I do not mean to be rude, but sometimes people lie to themselves for all the right reasons.”
“I think it’s a relationship if both people think it is. He certainly doesn’t think it is, so regardless of what I want, it’s not a relationship.” She shrugged. “Besides, I don’t really need one right now.”
That was a good enough answer. “I just mean that when you are certain of how you feel - about anything - you must own it. Denial will only harm you. Whether it is denial about accepting trauma, denial of how you feel about a man, denial of your need for help with anything, and so on.” Ezio smiled a little. “You are very strong, signorina. You have had to be. And I think you have mostly forgotten how to be vulnerable.”
“I won’t deny things to myself. Just other people.” She couldn’t help laughing, even though she was being honest. “I can’t be vulnerable. Too many people are counting on me. And the last time I was, I ended up being hurt.”
“You must be vulnerable. Otherwise, you cease to be human,” Ezio said simply. “You cannot wall yourself away.”
“I can be in secret,” she murmured. “It’s why I’m here. I don’t really have anyone to talk to about these things.” She sighed. “I still have nightmares about being kidnapped, and I took self defense classes, but I don’t know. I wonder if I’ll ever get over that. I used to have my ex in the next room over for when I had bad dreams, but now he’s gone.”
“Well, firstly, I am genuinely honored that you have chosen to trust me.” Ezio said, looking at her. “Secondly, I am happy to be the one you can talk to. Trauma is not something most people can get over on their own, and I will do anything in my power to help.” He thought for a moment. “In the immediate, is there anyone you can stay with, or telephone? If not, I am willing to let you have my number. Sometimes it is absolutely necessary to speak to someone who understands.”
“I stay with my mum. I can always phone Logan if I’m in immediate danger.” She shook her head. “Other than that, perhaps my friend Arya.”
“But your mother, she does not have the dreams?” Ezio asked.
“No, no, not at all. She’s in my dreams. She’s a good mother there. I risked everything to save her. Honestly, she’s more often than not at her boyfriend’s house.” Alyssa didn’t want to cry but her eyes were tearing over, so she looked up again.
Ezio’s face fell. “I am sorry, signorina. I did not wish to upset you.” There was only so much one could discuss at one time, after all. “I am glad you have some friends that can look out for you. I simply hope that over time, you will be able to open up more so you might find someone who truly understands you.”
“Someday. This is a good first step, I think. At least I have this for now.” She smiled at him, sniffling a little. “You didn’t upset me, promise. Just ... when I stop denying, my life is sort of sad.”
“I am sorry for it,” Ezio said. “You seem like a very bright, sweet girl. You deserve better. And that, by the way, is also important for you to know.”
“I do. I just don’t know how that would work.” She didn’t know how to even start to get better things.
“By getting to the root of things. By identifying the problems and agreeing to work on them. I have no doubt whatsoever that you can do this. And I do think that your friend can help. Your ‘casual’ friend.” He tried to choose words that weren’t judgmental. “It may not be a romantic relationship, but it is someone who wants you around and enjoys your company.”
“I don’t know if he’d take it that far, but that’s his own problem.” Alyssa snorted. “Christian is very ... self-possessed. You think I have issues, that lad’s got subscriptions. But he’s sweet.”
“Careful, signorina; do not look to fix someone in order to avoid fixing yourself.” Ezio warned. “But ecco, what matters is that you two enjoy each other’s company. He would not want you to come around if he did not - if you will pardon my being crass, a man can find sex in many places.”
“Oh, god, he wouldn’t let me try to fix him.” She wrinkled her nose before laughing. “Well, yeah, that’s so, but we’re sort of into ... specific ... things.” Yeah, she was going red again.
“He could still find someone also into those things. You are not only sex to him. I must keep telling you.” Ezio smiled a little. “I am a man. I must tell you, Alyssa, even the most lovely woman is not one to keep around if she does not have a personality to match. Alex, she is stunning and smart. Erm. My girlfriend.”
Alyssa raised an eyebrow at the mention of his girlfriend. “Oh ho. And how long have you two been dating?” Better to turn the tables than talk about Christian, the boy she sort of liked and could never date.
“Not very long. Perhaps a month or two. But you are trying to change the subject.” Ezio had to laugh. “Is it very hard for you to take a compliment, signorina?”
“It is when I know that he’s so ... scared of commitment that if I show the vaguest hint of fancying him, he’ll flee. I’m trying to bury it, damn you!” She laughed a little at that, shifting her weight in her seat.
“What makes you so sure? Have you discussed it before?” Ezio asked. “I am sorry to push the point, but if you have not discussed it, how would you know?”
“He keeps talking about how he doesn’t date. Ever.” Alyssa rolled her eyes. “Idiot.”
Ezio sighed. “Let me guess. He sleeps with many women and never calls them again.”
“Of course he does.” Alyssa smirked. “He thinks he’s gorgeous, which he is, and he thinks that he’s got all the company in the world with one offs.”
“I know the type.” He used to be the type. But he’d seen his brother marry, and his sister find love, and his mother had never stopped loving his father, and he’d eventually just grown up. He was looking for, as the saying went, Ms. Right, not Ms. Right Now. This man apparently had yet to get there. “You do know that this is a most immature way of seeing things? For him, I mean.”
“I do. But when we started to sleep together, I didn’t fancy him.” Not that she did then. “Well. I don’t now, just ... I worry about him. I don’t have a crush on him, but I care. Because he’s my friend.”
Ezio doubted the part about the crush, but she had more to work through first. “Well. Even if it is not this man, my suggestion for you right now is to surround yourself with the people who understand you. Your friends will be like a tonic - people who know how you tick and how you see the world, and do not judge you for it. You must learn - or, as the case may be, re-learn - that you do not have to fit society’s mold, and that is all right.”
Alyssa nodded. “You’re right. And I think I have a good start on that.” Christian knew she was messed up, and that was nice. So did Logan and Velma and Arya.
“It is a good beginning. Because those people will give you confidence. And when you have more confidence, you can begin to process the other traumas. Processing something like a kidnapping when you lack the self-confidence to accept that you did nothing to deserve it can be twice as hard as it needs to be.” Ezio smiled a little. “You are very strong, signorina, but I would like to help direct that strength where it needs to be.”
That made sense to Alyssa and she smiled. “Your girlfriend is a lucky lady, Mr. Auditore.”
“You may call me Ezio if you wish; most of my patients do. And thank you; Alex is fairly extraordinary herself.” He smiled a little. “Would you like to meet again in say, two weeks, Miss Hamilton?”
“That’d be fine, thank you.” She smiled at him, seeing how kind he was and appreciating it. He was less attractive now that he was firmly in a father figure role.
“I will put it in. And forgive me for sounding very ... hippie-ish. But these two weeks should be about loving yourself. Then we shall proceed with the other things, once a foundation is laid.” Ezio smiled. “Good luck, Miss Hamilton.”
“Thanks, Ezio.” She stood up and crossed the room to shake his hand. Maybe a spa day was in order, something she and Velma could do together. That’d be nice.