Will Graham (purelyempathic) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2014-01-12 13:19:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, lilo pelekai, will graham |
Who: Will Graham and Lilo Pelekai
What: Will's dreams are affecting him more.
When: Before this email, 1/11.
Where: Will's house
Rating/Warnings: PG, talk of panic attacks
Status: Complete
Will was actually smiling as he brushed his teeth before bed. It wasn’t that oral hygiene didn’t content him, but usually it didn’t merit outward expressions of joy. But tonight, Lilo and her dogs were staying the night, and Winston was as happy as a child on Christmas morning. Will was still smiling as he thought of his dog’s tail going furiously. And it didn’t exactly hurt that he got to sleep next to his favorite woman. He’d been worried the first time they’d tried it, but she’d fit into his bed and his routine in a non-obtrusive, wonderfully comforting way.
She’d tried not to muck up his nightly routine. Instead she’d watched him and asked questions about where she could fit in that wouldn’t bother him. She’d brushed her teeth first, and was currently in Will’s bed (on the side that wasn’t his, obviously), wearing a camisole and panties as she read a book and idly stroked Winston’s head. Daisy was curled up around the other dog, obviously thrilled at the sleepover.
Will came out of the bathroom, and had to smile. “Normally all of my bed that isn’t me is full of dog. I’m relieved to see that at least that trend won’t change. Though I’m sure you’ll be more understanding if I accidentally roll on you.” Daisy and Winston did look happy. He almost regretted having Winston neutered, at this rate.
“I told them that I was going to borrow the bed, but when I was gone, things would go back to normal. Roger might jump up, just because he figures he can fit between us, which I said would probably work.” She smiled right back up at him, loving that he understood that she was strange, that she was quirky, and that he had yet to try to change her.
“He’s small enough.” Will smiled yet again, sitting down on his side. “Winston, move just a little, please.” Ever since Lilo had started coming around, he’d begun to talk to his dogs more in complete sentences, and not just commands. It might be slightly silly, but oh well. It felt rather nice.
The dog obeyed, and Will swung his legs up into bed. “What are you reading?” he asked her.
“History of dentistry in the Dark Ages up until the late eighteen-hundreds,” she grinned cheerfully. Holding up the huge leather-bound book, she curled back up, letting her body adjust a little to having Will and Roger in the bed as well. She didn’t cuddle up to Will, if only because he didn’t like it and they both ended up all sweaty.
“Esoteric,” was Will’s only comment. He liked unusual things, too, and she never saw fit to comment much on them. For which he was grateful. “I’m going to close my eyes, but please, feel free to read for a bit.”
“Yeah, I have weird interests,” she beamed. “Okay. But let me know if the light starts to bother you, okay?” She squeezed his shoulder before returning to her book.
“I will.” Will closed his eyes and turned over, feeling Winston snuggle against his feet. He felt comfortable and even happy. He had no concept of whether or not the light was off before he drifted into sleep.
Lilo had turned the light off after about half an hour and drifted off to sleep herself. She only woke up because of Roger’s persistent whining. “Liiiiilo,” he pouted, nuzzling her feet with his wet nose. She stirred, blinking when she saw Will wasn’t in the bed. “Baby?” Sitting up, she hopped out and looked at Winston. “Where’d your daddy go?”
The dog’s unease was visible, and she immediately got worried. “He’s downstairs,” Winston murmured. “Don’t know why, but he’s asleep and moving.”
No thinking, only moving. The body was in bed, but that’s not where I needed to be. I was checking my home for dangers. They’re all in my head, but who knows when they might spill out. Why did I leave the ottoman in the middle of the den? I almost fell over it. Now the door. Out to the screened porch. Will’s body kept moving.
Lilo simply moved. She didn’t call out; if Will was sleepwalking, he wouldn’t really hear her, not right away. She knew that old wive’s tale of waking a sleepwalker was hogwash, so she was ready to do so. But she had to find him first.
Stupid door to the porch. Why isn’t it working? I’ll have to look during the day. Or maybe at night again? At night again. More things come out at night. Things go bump. Will’s body abandoned the fight with the doorknob and went back toward the kitchen, walking with a gait entirely unlike his normal cautious, skittish step.
Spotting Will in the kitchen, Lilo moved closer to him, wrapping an arm around his waist. “Hey, Will. You’re sleepwalking and that’s bad, so let’s go upstairs and back to bed, okay?” She tried to use her body to block where he wanted to go, trying to guide him back to the bedroom. She was terrified, but hey, she had to help. She loved him.
Will snuffled faintly. His body kept trying to walk in her direction, but eventually he got the hint, turning with a soft grumble. But turning took him into the far wall. He growled, blinking, blinking until slowly, he became awake. “ ... hm?”
“You were sleepwalking,” she murmured, gently stroking his cheek. “You’re awake now, in the kitchen. Are you okay?”
“I ... kitchen?” Will blinked harder, trying to focus on his surroundings. It was all so much to take in. This wasn’t the safety of his bedroom; there were no dogs, no nice dreams, no safety. He felt himself start to breathe faster, to get more and more frightened.
“Okay, you’re about to have a panic attack. Will, honey, can you focus on your breathing? Can you breathe in for five seconds through your nose, then out through your mouth for five? If you can, it might help. If not, I’ll be here with you the whole time.” Lilo took his hand and started to breathe the same way, if only to help herself calm down.
Will tried to listen to her. He focused on her voice and willed himself to concentrate all of his considerable brain power on it. In, two, three, four, five ... out, two, three, four, five. Repeat. It didn’t stop his fingers from shaking, his hands from flapping side to side. It was rare he had full meltdowns; usually he was able to divert them into panic attacks. At least in panic attacks, you could control yourself to a certain degree; meltdowns meant that you had been pulled away from all the controls and nobody was running the machine.
Lilo just stood there with him, still breathing, ready to do anything he asked. She might not have known exactly what he was going through, but she could go through it next to him.
It took a solid five minutes before Will felt anywhere close to normal. He couldn’t focus or process very much right now, but at least he could take things in. He didn’t physically feel any different. Slightly cold, but he’d turned everything off before bed and he was only wearing an undershirt and boxer shorts. No headache, no pain or nausea of any kind, just ... fear.
He wet his lips. “I’m sorry,” he managed, sounding pitifully cracked.
“You have nothing to be sorry for,” she murmured. “Are you thirsty? Can I get you anything?”
“No. No thank you.” The least he could do was treat her well. God, he felt stupid. And dangerous. He recognized the feeling; the self-doubt and the frustration all at once. “Dreams are bleeding through.”
Lilo’s eyes widened. “You sleepwalk in your dreams? Here, I’m going to make you some coffee, I want some too.”
He was too drained to say no. “I do. I’ve woken up on my roof, on my porch, and once, walking down the back road that leads to my house from the interstate. In the dreams, I mean. The police had to bring me home after that one.”
She hoped it didn’t get that bad here. “I wonder why. Did you sleepwalk as a kid?” It wasn’t the sort of thing people usually started to do randomly.
“Not to my knowledge.” Will shook his head, still feeling very fragile, both mentally and physically. He felt as though one wrong twist of the head, or drum of the fingers, and the limb might fall right off. “I don’t know the reason for it in the dreams, either.”
“Maybe there’ll be more clues,” Lilo murmured. “Do you keep a dream journal? Like, do you write down how you feel in the dreams in a book when you wake up? And if not, would you?” She could look through her medical texts that she had for no good reason besides interest.
“I don’t keep one, no. Do you think I should?” He should probably tell Hannibal all this. It had been a while since he’d made an appointment - no time, no inclination to tell anyone any of this, even if Hannibal was the logical person to tell.
“I would, yeah, just so that way if there’s any hints about why you’re doing this in your dreams and while you’re awake too.” Lilo set about making coffee, and when it started to percolate, moved toward Will. “May I hug the crap out of you in a metaphorical, I’m so glad you’re all right and here and not there because I don’t think your dreams seem very good way?”
Will just nodded dumbly, though he appreciated her clarification. He whuffed faintly as she fairly attacked him with a hug, and he pulled her as close as he dared without crushing her ribcage.
She held him tightly, running her fingers through the hair at the back of his neck. “I’d do anything to help you,” she murmured. “I want you to know that.”
“Hopefully that won’t ever be necessary,” he said, eyes closed. “I don’t want you to get hurt or get in the middle of anything.” His dreams were ugly, dangerous, and any innocence he’d grown up with had been drained off long before this point. The dreams hadn’t helped.
“I’d do it anyway, Will Graham. ... do you have a middle name?” She cocked her head to the side, hoping to cheer him up by changing the subject entirely.
“Not that I’m aware of.” He managed a weak smile. “Mother thought they were a religious thing, and we’ve never been religious.” He didn’t let her go yet; he wouldn’t until she asked. He needed someone to lean on right now, and while he knew it was common, even human, it still rankled.
“Me either. My parents said that if I ever got married, I could just bump my middle name up. It’s what my mom did.” She’d liked the idea as a kid, of not letting her family name ever get lost in the shuffle.
Will nodded. “It’s uniquely you.” He finally let her go as she looked over toward the coffee machine. “You should go back to sleep at some point. It can’t be any later than 5am.” He felt bad, depriving her of sleep.
“I don’t mind,” she smiled. “Come on, I made decaf.” She poured them each a cup before sipping her own. Black coffee was the only coffee.
He still felt ashamed, and still felt very nervous for the future, but at least he had someone here now with him. “That’s not real coffee,” Will said, wanting her to smile.
“Yeah, but would you want real coffee at 5AM? I mean, if you want to jump on the bed until eight, we can.” Lilo grinned, sticking out her tongue at him before moving to give him a kiss. “Will? I love you. I just want you to know you’re not alone.”
Will kissed her back, longer and deeper than he might otherwise. “I love you,” he told her. “Please remember that.” No matter what happened in the future. No matter if the dreams came to life or if reality continued to reign supreme. That would never change.