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Canaan can't trust her senses (fortheliving) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2014-01-08 13:59:00

Who: Catoko
What: Having emotions at each other.
When: Backdated to Christmas Day
Where: Their flat.
Rating: PG-13ish? Some mention of injury and bad combat situations.
Status: Complete!


Motoko felt like things had been weird ever since she’d come out of what effectively had been a coma. Canaan had been quieter than usual, and now it was Christmas and she wasn’t sure where they stood. She hadn’t spent a Christmas with another person since she’d been a child, and she sat up that night feeling like she was losing the person that made her still feel human.

She could just be being stupid. So she decided to put her inability to lay still to use and started cooking at around 4am.

Things had definitely been wierd between them, and Canaan knew that it was mostly her fault. Motoko couldn't help what had happened to her, and she had no idea how Canaan felt about it, because the arabian woman wasn't talking about it.

Sleeping that night, however, was the first time in weeks she'd slept somewhat soundly, and when she finally did wake up, she was surprised to smell cooking food.

That wasn't normal at all in their apartment. If they were getting food it was usually takeout, and it was too early for that. The only other things they stocked were small snacks, cold breakfast items, or coffee.

The angle of the sun was too high for it to be morning, and Canaan squinted at the clock a bit before pulling some pants on and shuffling into the kitchen. Her hands went about the process of making coffee as she looked Motoko over, "I didn't know you cooked. And I can’t believe I slept this late. Or that you let me."

“You looked exhausted. I wanted to let you rest.” She was sitting at the table, cleaning a gun. Most of the cooking had been done. The ham was in the oven and she was procrastinating on the potatoes and other side dishes. She didn’t think Canaan wanted to eat until later anyway, so she wasn’t in a hurry. Thus. Guns.

Her smile was just a little wobbly as she looked up at Canaan. She hated this awkwardness but she didn’t know how to deal with it.

"... I didn't sleep much. While you were..." Canaan frowned. She didn't know what the right word for that even was. In a coma? That's how she'd described it to Sigrun, but it was harder to tell Sigrun the whole truth. She felt like Motoko being synthetic was Motoko's business, generally speaking.

"I just didn't sleep." She finally settled on. She was still sore in some places weeks after the events that had left things so awkward for them, and it showed in the stiffness of her movements as she got herself a coffee mug.

“I’m sorry.” Motoko was sincere, and she was sincere every time she said she was sorry. She hadn’t wanted to put Canaan through that, and part of her was still wondering if she’d really survived intact. What it meant for her ghost.

“I didn’t have enough intel.”

"It isn't your fault," Canaan repeated. She felt like they'd had this conversation a thousand times, though Motoko had only really been awake for a few days. This is usually where they got to before one or both of them changed the subject.

She poured herself some coffee and sat down at the table, watching Motoko clean their weapons. The Major was probably the only other person she'd trust to touch them like that, "You didn't know. You didn't know they were expecting us, and we weren't prepared. Both of us weren't."

"That just means we're more prepared next time. But they'll have new tricks." She didn't sigh, she had no need to and she was too distracted to 'fake' it, as it were. She put down Canaan's pistol and picked up her MP5. "Maybe I need more upgrades."

"No, you don't need more upgrades. If you upgrade yourself, they'll just adjust their tactics to match. We need to find out how they know what they know, and how much they've discovered about me," Canaan replied, after letting out her own sigh. She couldn't help it, and she couldn't help the thoughts running through her mind, either.

More upgrades. They'd only make her less human. Canaan already regretted the ones that she'd gotten. It was actually a miracle that she hadn't lost eyesight in that eye, "I'm going to have mine removed. As soon as I recover. I can't go on being worried about being punched in the face."

"Then I need to adjust my tactics." Maybe she relied too much on her speed and strength, and less on the parts of her that were still human. She reached over to touch Canaan's hand. "You don't need to remove it. I'm sure there's a way to shield it. It's too useful to give up and I'd prefer that you be able to control your abilities, for reasons both tactical and because I worry about you."

The contact was jarring after everything they'd gone through that month, and Canaan's reaction was to tense up a bit. It was an instinct, one that she had no control over, though when she realised how tense she'd become she took a deep breath and tried to force herself to relax slightly.

"The readout overlay that he installed... it did hold up, but not after the fourth or fifth punch. And I had to move my head as much as I could to avoid being hit straight on. If I had, I'm not sure I'd be able to see at all anymore. It's not Mayuri's fault. He does good work, and that situation was the exact one he told me to avoid. I've left them off for now, in fact, and it's not... that bad."

She took a deep breath and added, softly, "So many of my choices have been fueled by fear... but what if I get into some kind of accident? What if I get body-checked while doing this roller derby thing? Everything I do in my life runs the risk of having those things under my eyes break somehow."

It was enough to make her draw her hand from Canaan’s. She might have an artificial body but she still had something like feelings, and that had still hurt. “Everything you do in life runs the risk of you being injured in one way or another. You can’t live your life being afraid. You can’t live your life for fear of a small possibility.”

"You're right. But neither of us. Neither of us can live in that kind of fear. You can't, either, and your body isn't... indestructable. It isn't impervious to damage. We both have to live with that." Canaan replied, with a bit of a sigh. Motoko had pulled her hand away, and Canaan knew that the tenseness in the room was only going to build if they kept going that way.

So she put her coffee mug down and walked over to Motoko's side of the table, and took her hand, "I'm sorry. This is hard. I couldn't protect you, I didn't know that you were someone who needed protecting, and... you were... your light went out. You had no color like everything else that isn't alive. We both barely got out of there alive, and it reminds me of places in my dreams and situations that I had no control over. It terrifies me."

"It's stronger than it was. As long as my cyberbrain is intact I can recover from anything." It didn't mean she was unkillable, but it did mean she could be brought back from the brink if it ever came to that. "I don't mean to take greater risks because of that. It...it actually was painful. Even after I turned off my pain receptors I could still.... feel it."

She looked at Canaan's hand, then up at her face. "I don't need protecting any more or less than you do...." But she trailed off as her lover's words sank in. "We still got out, because of you. You had control over the both of us."

"That was after they caught me and after they ripped you apart," Canaan murmured. She didn't feel like she was in control of the situation. Not even a little bit. And she couldn't do anything to help Motoko after she'd needed to shut herself down.

"I was so helpless. This whole month. There are so many things that I can do, but I couldn't fix you, you were literally broken and I couldn't fix that. And I couldn't watch. I couldn't watch you in that state. It's my worst nightmare... the only thing worse might still happen."

She didn’t understand the colour thing entirely. She knew what Canaan saw but she couldn’t attach the same emotions to it, and she knew only Canaan would ever be able to. So she knew this was hurting her and she didn’t know what to do about it. “Maybe we can have Mayuri teach you to maintain me.” It took a lot of trust to offer that.

That was a huge deal. Canaan's eyebrows raised, "You'd really trust me with that?"

Her voice was a bit thick, and her tone slightly solemn. She knew that if she did it right, she could put a hand against Motoko's synthetic flesh, close her eyes, and still see the flow of energy that powered all of the various parts. She could sort through the little bits of numbers and code and discover every little detail about the way the woman 'ran' if she looked long enough.

But that always felt like an invasion of privacy. The idea that Motoko would allow her to do it spoke volumes.

“Yes.” Motoko’s voice sounded strained, as though it was something she didn’t offer easily and obviously not to just anyone. Mayuri was hard enough, but he was also family. Did this make Canaan family? Maybe, if the assassin wished to be. “But you don’t have to accept if you don’t feel comfortable.”

"It feels like an important step. One that might make us closer... But puts a lot of power in my hands. So you trust me with that. I think... I can't believe you're willing to do that. You're not a very open person, not even with me. But I like it. I want to do this for you."

The words came out as a jumble, and Canaan wasn't sure her point was getting across the way she wanted. Motoko was putting her life right in Canaan's hands in a very real way, more real than even going into combat with her. It made her nervous and terrified but also warm.

"You're someone who understands what it means to be different. Maybe I can't see the world the same way you do, but I think you can see it the way I do. It's something I can give you, because I trust you." Motoko also hoped that it would allow her to see past the synthetic skin and to her soul within.

"You could see things the way that I see them, too, if Mayuri put a chip in my head," Canaan mused. They'd talked through this before. After the mission she'd wanted to turn away any synthetic upgrades, but the chip idea was something she could give back.

"I know you've been wanting to... connect to me. I think I should be able to trust you with that. You're trusting me with so much more. This is something we can do for each other."

Motoko’s spine straightened as Canaan’s words sank in. “You would do that?” Linking to her would make it easier to communicate, but it was also inherently intimate. Motoko had years of firewalls and defenses built up. She’d have to help Canaan set her own up. But she’d be able to share something with her she hadn’t experienced save for her dreams.

Canaan took the gun that Motoko was cleaning out of the woman's hands and set it down carefully on the table, then took each of Motoko's hands in hers and squeezed, "With some small exceptions, we're all we really have in this world. You remind me that I need to let people in, that it's okay to be friends, that I don't need to push everyone out of my life to protect them from the life I live. I need you. I love you. I... want to do this for you."

After a quick pause to steady her voice, she added, "You scared me. We need to work together so that we don't scare each other like that again."

Motoko searched Canaan's eyes, the movement of her pupils minute and fractional. Her words, and the expression on her face struck Motoko down to her core. She'd never admitted it, but it was hard to feel for her. It always had been as long as she'd been in a cyberbody but she never told anyone. It wasn't relevant and she could feel when she had to. And Canaan made her have to.

"You need me?"

"More than I want to. I'm not used to needing people. But you... you're too important. You're a piece of me. I don't... function right without you."

"You're right, we need to learn to work together, because we can't function right when the other is in danger." That was a problem. A big problem and one that would need to be addressed. Canaan learning how to maintain Motoko (or at least linking up with her) would be a big step.

Canaan nodded, "Sigrun helped me with that, a bit. I can tell you what she told me, and we can go from there."

“I love you,” Motoko said. She said it in her eyes, and the way she said Canaan’s name and even in the light that she shone, but right now she knew it needed to be said with her words. “I’ll make this work.”