Who: Damian and Alyssa. What: Alyssa explains why they broke up. When: December 20th. Where: Coffee shop. Rating: PG-13. Status: Complete!
It had been almost two months since Damian had seen Alyssa. Almost two months since she'd broke up with him with no warning. He still didn't know exactly what had caused her to, out of the blue, tell him to get out. He'd thought things had been going so well; after all they'd talked about their future together and Damian had been planning on getting her a promise ring for Christmas, because that's where he'd thought things were headed. Alyssa might have been his first girlfriend, but plenty of people married their first girlfriend or boyfriend. Now though, he was left with nothing but confusion. He'd been lucky that Bran's parents had been alright with him staying with them, otherwise Damian would have been out on the street since breaking up with Alyssa meant he lost his place to live.
He'd been surprised when Alyssa had texted him, dying that Arya thought they should talk, because he hadn't realized that Arya had seen Alyssa nor had he actually expected to hear from Alyssa at all. But here he was, sitting at a table in Starbucks, waiting for her to arrive.
She was dressed as she usually did, in a skirt and blouse, but due to the random snowfall she wore leggings and boots instead of heels and bare skin. She’d been feeling less depressed of late, but she had the feeling that meeting with Damian would bring that good feeling to an end. When she saw him at the table, her stomach flip flopped, sending her into a tailspin of nausea that she fought as she sat down.
When he saw Alyssa, Damian’s heart rate rose slightly and he took a deep breath as she sat down in front of him, “Hi…” In a weird way this almost felt like the first time they’d met almost a year ago. It had been in a coffee shop when Alyssa had offered him a place to live, “How’re you doing?” She looked just as beautiful as she always did, but Damian could tell that she’d lost some weight.
“Knackered,” she murmured, sitting down and pulling her sweater closer around her shoulders. “I feel like shit, how about you?” Bad joke, but the situation seemed to call for one.
Damian nodded, running a hand through his black hair, “Alright. Sort of.” Not only was he confused about what had happened between them, but now Stephanie from his dreams was on Valarnet and he’d talked to her and seen her and he didn’t know what to do about that, because once she started dreaming she’d probably be a little weirded out by the fact that he was ten in the dreams. Or she’d tease him about that fact. One or the other. “You know, not too great cause of the upcoming holiday and stuff.”
“Same. Mum’s back in England for the holidays, so I’ll probably just sleep through the whole thing.” Alyssa idly drummed her fingers on the table, sighing. “I haven’t been happy... in a long time. I think maybe since after I was kidnapped.” Fuck, it was just coming out of her, just sort of pouring out without her controlling it. “You helped. But you can’t make me feel better. And I’m starting to now, on my own, and I don’t ... know if I was dating you or using you as a security blanket to make myself feel normal - I don’t know what’s going on in my head, but I know I need to sort things out, and I have to do that on my own.”
Since she’d been kidnapped? They had only just started dating when Alyssa had been kidnapped by Bellatrix. Was she telling him that she’d been using him for eight months. For eight months they’d talked about their future and had even gone to that tarot card reader and he’d lost his virginity to her, believing that she’d loved him. Now he didn’t know what to believe. What had been read and what hadn’t? “So….Why didn’t you just tell me then that you weren’t in the right place for a relationship?” What he had wanted to ask was why she had strung him along for so long, but he didn’t want to make her feel worse.
“I didn’t know. I still don’t. I loved you, I know I did, I just - that’s how mixed up I am. I don’t know what’s right, and honestly, it wouldn’t make a difference if I did. either way it’s awful. I’m going to therapy, I’m going to school online so ghosts can mind their own bloody business for a while, and I just ... don’t know.” She chewed on her lower lip which somehow made her look more drawn, accentuated the bags under her eyes.
Damian didn’t know how to respond to any of that. He was glad that she’d figured out a way to still go to school and not get harassed by ghosts and that she was going to therapy, but he felt used and lied to. He just didn’t understand anything else. “I’m...I’m glad you’re getting help.” He paused, his gaze was on the table as he thought over what he was going to say next, “What made you decide to finally break up with me now?”
“I just couldn’t ... I knew I’d just get shorter and grumpier with everyone. Mum’s at work all the time, but I just don’t ... I don’t have the energy to do much of anything these days,” she murmured. “I just can’t be anyone’s girlfriend right now. And I knew I’d waited too long.” Alyssa wanted to shrink into the table. This was far worse than breaking up with Logan had been.
Damian listened, swallowing past the lump forming in his throat. This felt worse than when they had gotten into the fight about Logan and he’d caused Alyssa to cry, because at least then he knew there was a chance that they could fix things, but this was different. He knew that this was final and part of him was relieved, which he felt awful about. He still loved Alyssa, but after everything she’d just told him, he wasn’t sure what to think. He felt guilty and upset that she’d practically used him and he wasn’t sure what to say to her right now, “I understand.” He didn’t really, but what else was he supposed to say?
“You’re my best mate. I don’t know if I can stop caring about you. But I can’t be what you want. And I certainly can’t be what you deserve.” She felt herself crying, but it wasn’t the unrestrained bawling she’d done when they’d broken up before. He wanted a family, needed one, and she couldn’t do that when she didn’t really know what one was. And she didn’t know if she could be in love with him again, and she wasn’t fool enough to try.
Part of Damian wanted to go around the table and wrap his arms around her to comfort her, but he couldn’t make himself move from his seat. Instead, he reached across the table and covered her hand with his own. He was still hurt and wasn’t sure what to think about everything, but he didn’t like seeing Alyssa upset. Seeing her cry was probably his least favorite thing in the world, “And what about what you deserve, Alyssa?” He understood what she was saying and he didn’t want to make her doing something she didn’t feel she could, but she deserved so much than what she was getting.
“I’ll sort that out later on, when I’m more stable,” she laughed, waving a hand to indicate that she was fine. “Right now, I need to focus on getting better.” Getting out of bed before noon. Eating. Things like that.
Damian was so full of conflicting emotions that he didn't know what to do. He was mad, but at the same time, he wished he could help Alyssa, but he knew there was little he could do and right now he didn't think that he could be her best friend as she'd said. Maybe someday; after all, he and Bran had become best friends despite the fact that Bran had technically been hurt by both of them at first, so it was possible, but it was going to take some time. Alyssa had been his first friend after he'd moved and no matter what he didn't want to lose her. "Just focus on that then."
“Yeah.” She tucked her hair behind her ears and stood up. “I don’t need to hurt anyone else. That’s all I do, really.” She smiled thinly and resisted the urge to hug Damian. “Tell Bran hi for me, yeah?”
Damian nodded, but didn’t get up just yet, “I will.” He wanted to tell Alyssa they’d see each other soon, but he couldn’t yet. He hoped, but like her, he needed some time before they tried to go back to what they had before they’d started dating. They’d been friends first and Damian would hate to lose her completely. This was all so confusing.