You’re not hurting me. Just yourself.
Who: Kitty and Rikku What: Kitty and Rikku have serious talks When: A few days ago Where: Rikku's place Status: complete Rating: PG
It was still bothering her. Kitty hated confrontation with loved ones, though she loved it with other people. And with Rikku, well she wasn’t looking forward to it. But she had to talk about it. She popped by Rikku’s with some cake. Cake was good, right?
Rikku was sitting in her living room, working on an amped up surround sound system for Kitty and the twins. She hummed a little as she tinkered, wearing a men’s button down shirt and panties.
Kitty phased in and well that kind of distracted her from just about everything on her mind. “...uh hey. Wow. Don’t mind me I’m just going to stand here and ogle.”
Looking up, Rikku blinked. “Huh? I’m just soldering stuff to stuff.”
“Yeah.” She waved a hand like carry on and grinned like a loon. There was a purr in her voice. “And looking really sexy doing that.”
“Oh. Uh. Okay?” Rikku still didn’t realize that she was attractive, too used to being “Cid’s Girl” on base, an untouchable, ‘better if we treat her like she’s gross’ figure.
“And I thought I was oblivious about myself.” Kitty plopped down next to her, rubbing a hand down her bare leg. “Whatcha working on?”
“Surround sound for you and the twins,” Rikku smiled. “They’re always so bulky and have the hugest speakers ever, I wanted to design ones that are teeny so you can hide ‘em in a plant or something.”
“Nice.” She kissed Rikku’s cheek. “That’s really sweet of you! Want to take a break though?” Kitty wanted snuggles. And there was talking. But snuggles. Snuggles were important.
Rikku nodded, putting her things down and wrapping her arms around Kitty. “How’re you doing, anyway?” She let her nose nestle into the space between Kitty’s chin and neck.
That was a nice spot. She shivered, tilting her head. “I’m doing really good, and been doing a lot of thinking.”
“Oh? I’m glad you’re good. Whatcha thinkin’ about?” Rikku smiled, letting their legs tangle.
“That kids and things.” She studied Rikku’s legs carefully, not wanting to look her in the eyes. “Their future, my future, all that kinda stuff.”
“Is everything okay with them?” Rikku leaned back. “Can I help somehow?”
“They’re doing great, actually! But … “ Kitty rubbed absently at Rikku’s knee. “I had a thought. It’s kind of a stupid one but it’s kind of not, either.”
“Ohhhkay? You should just tell me instead of running around all over. I’m not going to get mad. Well. I might, but I won’t like, whomp you or anything.” Rikku grinned, waggling her fingers by her cheeks. She hoped Kitty knew she was teasing.
“You might want to,” Kitty said, laughing. “But I just had this kind of disturbing thought, you know? You’re nineteen. The kids are eleven going on twelve. By the time you’re my age they’ll be entering college. I’ll at least have had my ‘oh my god I’m thirty’ phase by then. And I’m just worried, about them and what they need.”
Rikku blinked, sitting back a little. Her dark eyes (that were starting to turn green, unbeknownst to Rikku) widened. “That’s a good point, but you think ... you think I’d stop wanting to be around them?” That stung a little.
“I think they might have trouble respecting you. As a mom-figure,” Kitty said, shaking her head. “I mean. They’ll be your age now. Could you really look at someone my age as your mother?”
“No, but I don’t want to be their mom. They have moms. I’d want them to come to that in their own time, you know? If they want to do that sometime, that’s fine, but it’s not something I expect right away. They’re old enough to know the difference between their moms and me.” Rikku pulled her knees to her chest. “I know how they feel. Pops did that, always dating women and introducing them to me as my mom. I knew what happened to my mom, I was twelve when she died.”
"I know. But..." Sighing, Kitty got to her feet, feeling like she was unable to stay still. She waved her hands as she talked. "You might think you're ready for something like this, but you're not. I was mature, too, but I wouldn't have been able to handle this even a couple of years ago. Hell I'm not even sure I'm doing the right things, but I'm damn well going to try to give them the best life I can."
“Don’t tell me what I’m not ready for, Kitty.” Rikku looked at her hands. “Please. Just don’t.”
"I have to go with what I'm ready for, and what they're ready for, too," Kitty pointed out, hugging her own stomach. She looked suddenly frazzled. "I mean...god here's how messed up my life is. I'm twenty-five with two tweens, I've been paid a visit from an alternate version of one of my best friends two hundred years in the future, I can walk through walls and got to watch Vegas turn to rubble. Do you really think you're ready for all that?"
Okay, the Rachel thing had affected her more deeply than she'd thought.
“Your ... wait, what happened with your best friend? Are you okay, Kittykitty?” Rikku moved closer, wrapping her arms around Kitty’s shoulders and pulling her close. She worried about Kitty, and she let her head rest on Kitty’s shoulder. “Kitty, I don’t. I don’t think I’m ready for all of that. But would anyone ever really be? I want to be with you. But for now, you talk to me about that thing that’s scaring you.”
“I’m scared I’m not ready. That I moved too fast. That the people who were a part of me are moving away or not here or dead.” She rubbed at her face, then tugged lightly at her hair. “It’s stupid but…really hard to explain.”
“Not ready for what? And ... who? If they’ve moved away or aren’t here or died, they’re still part of you, Kittykitty. Nothing can change that.” Rikku took Kitty’s hands into her own. “It’s not stupid. It’s just not.”
"Illyana left." She shrugged her shoulder, and looked down at their hands. "And I'm never going to see Rachel, which hurts more than I want to admit."
Rikku didn’t know who Rachel was, but she hugged Kitty harder. “I’m sorry. I wish I could say that people won’t ever leave again, but they will. It’s life, I’m sorry. But I can say that you’re strong. You’ll get through it.”
“Yeah, I’ll get through it. I have to, for the twins of nothing else.” She shrugged her shoulders for a second time in a row. “I have to do right by them. No matter what.”
“That’s all I’m doing. Hurting. It’s not fair to you or anyone else,” she insisted, pulling away. “Okay. Okay. It just feels like we keep talking about this. Over and over.”
“Katherine.” Rikku used her full name, hoping it would command attention. “You’re not hurting me. Just yourself.”
“Call me Kate,” Kitty replied, absently. “And maybe that’s all I’m really good at.”
“Kate, you hold yourself to an insane level that you don’t have to. You’d never ever put these demands on anyone else and you hurt yourself so much that sometimes it makes my tummy all oogy.” Rikku’s words were wise, yet childlike at the same time. It’s what Rikku was really good at.
She looked at Rikku, then stared up at the ceiling. “Because it’s not fair to demand something if I don’t demand it of myself, you know.”
“But you don’t demand it of anyone but you,” Rikku sighed. “What do you want to do, Kate? I don’t want to leave you.”
"What's right. I want to do what's right but I don't know what that actually is. I know I keep rushing head first into things, I know I'm not giving the kids as much time as I should be." She tugged at her hair.
“If you figure it out, I’ll help,” Rikku murmured. “No matter what.”
This was kind of tearing Kitty up inside. She'd screwed up in moving so fast with Rikku, she knew, she just didn't know if it was a good screw up or a bad one. She just felt like the only thing she was doing lately was hurting her. She didn't know how Rikku could stand it. Kitty wouldn't have been able to. Kitty still wasn't able to. She felt like she kept making Rikku be second best. And that was a terrible thing to do to a person, especially if they didn't realize how terrible that was.
"Yeah. Easier said than done."
“Of course it is. Lots of hard stuff is the most worthwhile, though. How are the twins, anyway? I miss them. I made their Christmaskuah gifts first.” Rikku smiled sheepishly; she’d always wanted a family and wondered if Kitty knew that.
“Being kids. I think they’ll be happy to be in our own place too again. They missing having their own rooms and I’m going to get a place to set up a place for them to just be kids in,” Kitty replied, having decided that earlier this week. “I look forward to the three of us just together for awhile.”
“You could go to the park or something, they like that,” Rikku murmured. She felt like she was slowly getting phased out of Kitty’s life already.
Kitty dropped her arms, then lifted them again and put them around Rikku. She kissed her forehead. “I just don’t know where my life is or where it’s going right now. I’m scared I can’t give you everything you need and still be able to give myself and the kids what we need. I’m looking for balance and teetering around like a drunk.”
“I just want to be with you,” Rikku murmured, trying not to cry. “With or without your problems.” Then she took a deep breath. “We should take some time off. So you can figure out what you want.”
Blinking, Kitty looked down at her. “What?” She shook her head. “Rikku, sweetie. I love you, I just keep...hurting you. I don’t want that, I really don’t want that.”
“We’re not breaking up, Kate. I love you too. And you’re not hurting me. But you need time to focus on you and the twins without worrying about me so much. So take it.” Rikku smiled, sniffled hard, and then stood up. “I feel like we should have snacks.”
Kitty stared at her, then rubbed at her eyes. “Yeah...we should have snacks.” She felt like a little shit.
“Popcorn good?” Rikku was heading into the bedroom to put on some pants. She suddenly didn’t want to be almost naked anymore.
“I’ll... get the popcorn,” she said, watching Rikku walk into the bedroom. She folded her arms over her chest, and resisted the urge to smack herself in the face.
Rikku sat in her room for a few moments after she’d pulled on jeans, sighing and pulling her knees back to her chest. “I don’t feel good, I might just stay in here,” she called out, feeling suddenly like she wanted to hurl.
Shit. Shit shit shit. Kitty walked to the doorway and knocked on the frame. "...Rikku. I'm sorry. I..." She swallowed a tightness in her throat. She wasn't sure she really wanted to be on a 'break' or whatever they wanted to call that. Things didn't usually survive breaks.
"I've said enough, maybe you need to talk about you."
“I’m just ... I want you to be happy, Kate, and I don’t know how to help you. I just don’t.” Rikku crawled into her bed and pulled the covers over her head.
“What do you want to be happy?” she asked. “Forget me for a moment. Just focus on you. You can’t rely entirely on other people to be happy. Can they help with that? Yeah of course, but you’ve gotta leave room for yourself.”
Rikku looked up. “I am happy. With my life. Right now I might hurt, but that’s temporary. I’m actually in a really good space. Besides, do I have to tell you you’re being a pot and calling me, a kettle, out?”
“No,” Kitty said, rubbing the back of her neck. “But I know I’m definitely not in a good head space right now.” She pulled her hand back from her neck again and rubbed her knuckles.
“Which is why you should go, Kitty. I love you enough to tell you that this isn’t doing either of us any favors right now.” Rikku sat back down, covers once again over her head.
Kitty stared at the blanket monster and squeezed her eyes shut. “I love you Rikku.” But she was afraid she’d ruin things even more if she stayed any longer. She didn’t even know what she had been trying to accomplish but she was pretty sure it had crashed and burned.
She closed the bedroom door, and made her way to the front door.
Quietly, Rikku closed her eyes and squinched them shut as hard as she could so that way Kitty wouldn’t hear her crying. What the hell had even just happened?