InsaneJournal

I don’t even know what to say
Who: Emma and Scott Summers
Where: their place
What: talking
When: 10/29
Warnings/Rating: PG-13
Status complete

Emma sighed as she waited for Scott to get home from work. She’d spent the time after her session with Ezio organizing her books and getting the shelves ready to move into her office. She was eventually going to turn their current guest room into a library, but Kitty and her kids were occupying it now and Emma didn’t need a library that much.

She was sore and still annoyed when Scott’s normal time home rolled around, but Ezio had been right about one thing: they needed to talk about what had happened in the Cerberus facility. The talk was extremely overdue.

It just wasn’t going to be fun.

Work had been busier than usual with the transition and everything, and Scott was exhausted but at least in a good mood. He was also a little late walking in the door.

Emma smiled when he walked in, hauling herself out of the couch. “I was beginning to worry.” She moved to kiss him. “Welcome home, love. Dinner’s on its way.”

“Hey.” He kissed her. “Ordered take out, I take it?”

“Yes. My session with Dr. Auditore was too stressful for me to expect any kind of success with dinner. I hope Chinese is okay.” She backed off so he could get his jacket and shoes off. “We need to talk, but it’s not one of those ominous talks like we’ve been having recently.”

“Chinese is fine.” He took a seat in the kitchen a moment later. “What about?”

“Oh no. We fight when we talk in the kitchen.” She offered him a hand up. “We need to talk about what happened at the Cerberus facility, and how it’s been affecting us since. I can make you a drink, if you think it would help.”

“I don’t need a drink.” He frowned though, not liking the idea of talking about this. What was there to talk about? It was over and done with.

Emma shrugged. She’d be drinking if she could. “The thing is we haven’t really dealt with it, and that might be why we’re having such difficulty getting ourselves back to neutral. After all, most of these problems we’ve been having a relatively new, and cropped up after that. Perhaps just letting ourselves feel whatever emotions we have about it will help us find our center again.” She sat slowly on the couch, putting her feet up on a cushion on the coffee table.

“I assure you, I don’t want to feel those emotions again. They were like this cold agony in my chest. I’ll never forget them.” He was already feeling it again.

“I know. I understand.” Emma said, softly. “Do you think I want to be reminded of my biggest failure? That I want to think for even a moment about how I let our child die? No, of course not. But we must. If we bury these feelings forever they’ll fester, and in time they will corrupt us.” She cupped his face gently, to make sure she was more or less meeting his eyes. “We’ve been so fragile since then, and we can’t afford that.”

Scott sighed, and searched for the words. They didn’t come and he shook his head. “I don’t even know what to say.”

“Then don’t speak.” She moved closer, putting her hand gently on his temple. She opened their mental link, closing her eyes. Usually she kept her emotions more or less to herself, but this time they had to be open, especially in that regard. She hurt, and she was afraid, largely. I’m sorry I didn’t protect our child. I failed you, her, and myself.

There was nothing you could have done, he pointed out, trying to keep his emotions steady. She was going to shoot you, regardless.

You have to relax, love. Nervousness twinged through the link. You have to let yourself feel this pain. It’s clearly been present, and it won’t go away on its own. She wouldn’t dig it out of him, though she could. He had to be able to be that open with her himself. I’m afraid for us. Afraid we’re losing our ability to trust each other.

I haven’t stopped trusting you, he said. Giving a mental shake of his head, he continued I dealt with it already. Namely, locked it in his black box.

If you had you wouldn’t have changed so drastically after it happened. You would have been the one yelling at me for what I did to Monica, not Shepard. Her voice was calm, and she tapered off her own feelings.

Scott shook his head. Words didn’t suffice in this instance. Not even telepathic ones. We both changed.

Yes, and not necessarily for the better. She leaned her head against the couch. I’m worried about things that never bothered me before. I know some of them are nonsense, but I can’t help it.

I just can’t lose you again, Emma. I got filled with so much...dread. Knowing I lost you. More so than the baby, if he was entirely honest.

I won't leave you if I can help it. She 'said' softly. Maybe we need to take a step back from the extra fighting. The problem with Cerberus may have been exacerbated by our involvement in previous crises. If they had a solution maybe that would help in the long run.

I’m so tired of fighting. It was the first time he’d put those thoughts into words of any kind, but the sheer honesty and exhaustion behind them was unmistakable.

Emma was surprised at how relieved she was to hear that. She hugged Scott tight. “Can you stand the thought of letting someone else lead?”

“Yes and no,” he said truthfully. “There are so few people I outright trust.” Storm would actually be his first choice, if she’d dreamed enough and was willing. She was usually even keeled and a steady hand, and that’s what he thought they all needed most of right now.

“You should work on training your replacement.” Emma said, softly. “That way you can feel like you’ve maintained control.”

“That’s not a bad idea.” He leaned back and closed his eyes. “Even a vacation would be nice.”

"Oh yes." Emma said with a laugh, kissing his throat softly. "In January, after Faith is born."

“Some place warm,” he said. Ski trips seemed to be a doomed idea.

“Oh, yes. We could go somewhere local. San Diego is wonderful anytime of year, or we could go somewhere exotic, like Morocco. There’s also Australia, which I think would be lovely, actually.” She rested her head on his shoulder, taking a deep breath. She felt better. They’d gotten through an emotional topic without arguing or getting pissy with each other. No amount of talking would solve their feelings of insecurity after what had happened, but they’d done their best to be open about it, and that was the most important thing.

“I just want some fizzy drinks with little umbrellas,” Scott said, after thinking it over for awhile. He put his arm around her. “I love you. I’m sorry I’ve been so difficult.”

“We’ve both been difficult. I love you too.” She smiled, hugging him tightly for a moment. “I think we’re getting better. This went well.” She was happy and comfortable, so of course that’s when their food arrived.

She sighed softly and sat up. “Dammit.” There wasn’t much real malice to her tone. She felt happy, and a short interruption wouldn’t ruin her mood. “I’ll get that if you get plates.”

“We need to keep this up.” Scott got up to get the plates, feeling like they were on a little more stable ground.

She paid for the food and carried it back. “I agree. We’re doing well on the ‘not being assholes to each other’ front.” She smiled at him and sorted the food out, summoning Kitty telepathically. “We should flirt over the table all night to antagonize Kitty. It’ll be good for her.”

“I’m all for that,” he agreed, setting the table. Antagonizing Kitty would be fun!