InsaneJournal

I think we laid some good groundwork today
Who: Dani Moonstar and Jean Grey
Where: Jean's office
What: a therapy session
When: 10/16
Warnings/Rating: pg-13
Status complete

Jean walked out to the waiting room, buttoning her cardigan back up as she went. She’d just finished her lunch, and was looking forward to seeing her newest patient. Dealing with sick people was slightly outside her speciality, but Dani still fell firmly within Jean’s scope of practice. She smiled at the handsome Native American woman and extended her hand. “Ms. Moonstar?”

Dani had been playing a game on her phone while trying not to be nervous. This was her second psychiatrist in as many months, and Nienor's schedule hadn't really been open enough for her to get anywhere. Now she'd have to start from scratch.

She felt a kind of pit in her stomach as she looked up at the redhead, but she smiled anyway. God, it was nice to see Jean's face again. She got up and put her phone away, then took Jean's hand and shook it, "Thanks for taking time for me, Ms. Grey."

“It’s no trouble, this is what I do.” Jean said with a smile, shaking her hand. “It’s a pleasure to meet you. If you’re ready, come on back.” Jean motioned toward her office door. “I apologize if it smells somewhat like chicken. You came right after lunch.”

"It should be okay. The smell of chicken hasn't set me off yet," Dani stepped into Jean's office as she spoke, taking a look around it and nodding her head a bit. It was exactly the way she thought an office of Jean's would have looked.

It's a shame the other woman didn't know Dani the way Dani 'knew' her. At least for the time being, "It's actually making me hungry. I think I'll get some lunch after this."

“If you’re hungry you should definitely eat.” Jean said with a laugh. “A good meal does wonders for a bad mood, and so many things are easier to bear with a full stomach.” She motioned to the big comfy chair she had for patients. “Let’s start with what you hope to accomplish in these meetings. What are your goals?”

"That's sometimes true with Chemo and other times not as true." Dani said, with a bit of a chuckle. Maybe her current life situation was one she shouldn't be laughing at so often, but she liked to mock it as often as she could.

She took a seat in the comfy chair and got herself a little settled, then took a deep breath and let it out, "I'm actually not here for the cancer. I know a lot of patients get therapy for it, and it's not a bad idea. But I have... well, let's start with the fact that I have those dreams they talk about on the internet. The ones that are really lucid and change who you are on some level. There are things about them I still can't reconcile. It's actually the reason I have cancer to begin with."

“The dreams gave you cancer?” Jean asked. She believed it, but it was pretty terrible.

"No, they didn't. The dreams gave me powers that were terrorizing my neighborhood and almost made one of my best friends shoot himself. So I put on a bracelet that inhibited them, but the bracelet irradiated my wrist because I wore it longer than its intended use. And that gave me cancer. And now it's been irradiated so much that I think it's possible it might start glowing in the dark, but that's another story." Dani snorted.

“What were your powers? They sound terrible?” Jean started taking notes, and checked to make sure the recorder was rolling.

"When they first came in, they were. I have an ability that makes people visualize their worst fear, right in front of them. When it's uncontrolled, it has a pretty wide radius to it and it starts out by giving everyone else nightmares, since it's most uncontrolled when I'm sleeping. I witnessed other people's fears when I slept. That's what lead to Scott nearly shooting himself, actually. They kicked in while he and Shepard were in my kitchen. She carries her duty weapon everywhere. Her fears are of gigantic aliens from her dream universe attacking... not being able to save her friends. Scott's fears are of failing us all, all of the mutants he leads dying at his feet. He couldn't take it, so he took Shepard's gun away and nearly shot himself in the head. The only way we could even make the images stop was to have him punch me unconscious."

Dani frowned. She was obviously still bothered by that, "I didn't want to witness that ever again, so I put that bracelet on my wrist and wore it for two months straight."

Jean nodded. “That’s a hell of a dream. Do you have control of your powers?” That was something she was beginning to wonder. How much control did these mutants actually have?

"I do now. They've grown and changed over time. I still have the old abilities, but I hardly use them. I'm able to sort of... fine control them by using arrows made out of astral energy now. But I hardly use those, either. I mainly use my ability to communicate with animals. Useful for keeping my cats in line," Dani joked.

“You have cats?” Jean asked. Dani liked to use humor, so Jean tried to keep the conversation light.

"Three cats. Lonestar, Proudstar, and Black Eagle. Also a dog, Ho'nene, and a rescue squirrel named Doom," Dani rattled off the names. This hadn't been what she'd wanted to explore in therapy, but she thought she'd get to talking about that when she felt a little more comfortable.

"Ho'Nene lives at Urdnot Ranch, though. She was much happier with all those kids and that space to run around in. It's a good fit for her, so I'm happy about that."

“Why do you think she’s happier on the ranch than with you? Dogs are extremely loyal, I’m sure she’d love to be around you.” Even the most mundane subject could be useful in a session.

"She's a huge dog, siberian husky. She wasn't meant to be holed up in a fancy house with a bunch of things she'd have to avoid knocking over. Even though there's some private beach space, I think she'd be miserable."

Dani shrugged one of her shoulders, implying she didn't care as much about the subject as she might have, "I work at the ranch so I see her... less often than I used to when I lived closer to the place, but... I was actually away for eight months and I think she got used to the company of everyone else. She's still loyal to me of course, and I still make time for her. But I could never force her to be cooped up at Lara's house just for my benefit."

“Do you always sacrifice your desires or comfort for others?” Jean asked, her tone still conversational and light.

"I do when it's right." Dani replied, squinting at Jean, "I feel like you're judging me over there, with your little questions and your note-taking."

“I’m a psychiatrist. I ask questions and take notes.” Jean said, her tone even. She put her pen down and gave Dani a curious look. “What were you expecting?”

"... I don't know. I guess I thought I'd just sit here and talk aimlessly, and you'd 'hmmm' a lot and then say things like 'that's interesting'." Dani replied, slightly amused at herself. She held up both of her hands, "I'm sorry. I'm actually pretty nervous about this. I'm the last person to admit when she needs help, but I've had to admit it so many times this year that I just... know I'll be letting myself and everyone else down if I don't keep on doing it."

“You’re doing fine. I’m not judging you, but I am trying to evaluate how best to help you. It’s not any business of mine if you’re a good person or not. My business is helping you be the person you want to be.” She smiled softly, hoping to put Dani at ease. “If you just want to talk the whole time that’s also fine, but I’ll still take notes and ask you questions next session.”

"It's hard to think any other way when you ask things like 'do you always put someone else's needs before your own' or..." Dani squinted a bit at Jean, then sighed, and laughed at herself, "It's my reaction to it that's telling. I got on the defensive pretty quickly there. But I do. And when I don't, it's usually bad. I mean... I've done some really stupidly selfish things in the last year too, and all of that has really gone badly."

Jean let Dani finish talking before she reacted. It was best to let these things work through their natural course. She was patient, it was her biggest virtue. “Do you want to tell me about those things?”

"Telling you about one of those things was why I was here, actually." Dani replied, with a gulp and a nod of her head. She wasn't sure she was ready to talk about it now that they were there. It was pretty important that she did, though. She knew that.

"Last November, right around the start of the month, I found out that my... I don't know what to call him. My first boyfriend, basically? I loved him but we would have been horrible together. Anyway, he died, so it's a moot point. I went to Colorado to settle all of that. He'd left some things to me. I skipped town without saying anything, though. It was a huge shock, and I just... left. I didn't tell my boyfriend at the time, or my current roommate. I dropped everything and at the time I wasn't even thinking about them or anything else."

“You were grieving, we don’t do rational things in that state of mind.” Jean pointed out gently, making notes about Dani’s story and her expressions.

"No, we don't. But I could have made the decision not to give into alcoholism. I could have made the decision to go back with Obi when he came for me, instead of drunkenly yelling at him through my door. And a lot of the decisions I made after that don't even make any sense."

Dani winced, "I was basically on the path of self destruction. I didn't really care who I hurt."

“Was it just his death that sent you down this path?” Jean asked, meeting Dani’s eyes.

Jean's look felt, to Dani, like it was boring through her and right into her soul. She couldn't maintain the look for long before she shook her head and looked down into her hands.

"I don't know. Probably not. I have an alcohol problem, but it wasn't as bad before. I went for treatment, I recognize the things in my life that make me feel like I need to drink. I traced all of that backwards to try and figure out how it all got so out of control..."

But when she got to the start of it all, everything just twisted inside of her and she couldn't unwind the knot. Dani shook her head.

Jean nodded. She couldn’t fix the root of the problem until she’d cleared away some of the branches. “What are you comfortable talking about?”

"You're easy to talk to and that's probably how we've gotten this far," Dani admitted, with a bit of a sheepish smile, "I don't... I'm not actually comfortable talking about anything. But that's a problem. I have this... I have things I can't say to people that I care about. I need to figure out how to ... get control of that. I thought talking to someone like you was a good start."

“I’m happy to help, of course.” Jean said with a smile. “And I’m glad that I’m easy to talk to. Why don’t you tell me about something that’s bothered you today? It can be as minor or major as you like.”

"Just... something that bothered me today? Anything at all?" Dani raised both of her eyebrows, and thought back through her day. She'd made sure to schedule this on a day where she didn't have to deal with treatments or anything. There wasn't that much that bothered her on a day to day level. Nothing that didn't have a root in her major issues, anyway.

"... uhm. Well. My cats are pushing their limits. We live in this kind of swanky house. It's way above my pay grade if I wasn't just renting one of the bedrooms. I'm worried they aren't going to behave anymore when I lose my powers."

“Yeah? What are they doing? I’ve never had a cat.”

"Well, cats..." Dani laughed a bit, "They have personalities. Proudstar and Lonestar really like to cause trouble. And of course specifically because I want them to stay out of the Study, they try and get in there all the time. They're curious. They think I'm hiding something in there that they want. And they like to scare me and Lara by almost knocking priceless things off of shelves."

She tucked some hair behind her ear, "Emma suggested I have Lara invest in glass display cases, but I swear they'd just try to break those, too. And they're always tripping Renji when he comes down the stairs."

Jean chuckled at Dani recounted her woes with the cats. “You’re friends with Emma?” That question had unprofessional motivations. She made a face at herself and shook her head. “Don’t answer that. Do you like your roommates?”

"Uhm..." Dani would have said 'yes and no' to that, but since Jean told her to discount it she tossed it aside and answered the easier question, "Yes. Lara's awkward about a lot of things, but she's really intelligent and we're both fans of archery. Sam is just... she's got so much energy. I'm glad she showed up, because I think I really need someone like that in my life. Renji is a goofball... he never knows when to shut his mouth, but I like that about him. He keeps me joking about all of this."

“It sounds like you’re around really good people.” Jean said with a smile.

"Yeah, they're good. I think I moved in with... just the right people to help me through this. Which I guess is mean to the people I was living with before, but it's all drama all the time with those guys. It's not even their fault, it just seems to be how life for people like us goes."

Dani wrinkled her nose a bit, "That whole thing is complicated. They're good people. I just think living with them while dealing with my stuff would have been a recipe for disaster."

“It’s good that you can recognize that.” Jean said with a nod. “It’s not a bad thing to objectively look at the people around you and realize they’re not going to help you deal with your internal needs.”

"They have a lot of their own stuff they're dealing with, too. Support is great and they've been as supportive as they can. Or as I'll let them anway. But I think I'd expect something from them that they couldn't provide if I'd stayed, and that's not fair to them." Dani replied, nodding her head. That had been the problem before, really. She'd had unrealistic needs.

"... I have a lot of support, really. I'm very lucky, and I know that."

“You’re not lucky to have support, everyone deserves it.” Which Jean was beginning to suspect Dani did not believe.

The suspicion was correct, and Dani's reaction proved it, "I'm not sure that's true. I mean, after everything I did. I left Obi, for instance, and as annoying as that man is to deal with - to the point where I fantasized about stabbing him a few times - even HE was willing to offer support. I don't really get that, and I definitely don't deserve anything from him."

“Why do you think your actions should make you a complete social pariah? Maybe your ex is an odd place to get support, but you have friends that you’ve made since then that you haven't wronged.”

"Because generally speaking? Loose, alcoholic women who make other bad choices are social pariahs, even when they try to turn things around."

Dani shook her head, "No, maybe not. I just don't think I deserve it. I'm not a person who always does good things. I'm not like my dream self, she's strong. I wish I was more like her."

“I think you’re getting in the way of your own happiness.” Jean said, her tone soft. “There’s no reason you can’t be strong.”

"It seems kind of silly since I'm also trying so hard to find some, doesn't it?" Dani joked, and shook her head at herself. Why couldn't she be dream her? Maybe Jean was right, "Dream Dani would have resisted sinking into the abyss like I did, and she went suicidal for a while but she fought it back. But... maybe I'm worried that accepting her strengths means accepting her issues, too. And I've got enough of my own."

“You can’t drown yourself in the dreams. They’re not really you. You don’t need dream Dani’s strength. You’re surrounded by people who’ll lend you theirs until you come into your own.” She looked at the clock above Dani. “We need to wrap up soon.”

"I suppose not, but unless you've had a few it's hard to make you understand how compelling it is. It's not like it's a fake world that doesn't affect you, that dream world. It's almost like the dream you is the person you were meant to be all along, and you just never knew it. I don't believe I have to make all of her choices exactly the same - I think that's benefit of getting another chance - but... I guess I wish I'd made more of the ones she did at some point."

Dani looked down at her watch, and nodded, "Yeah, I guess time's almost up."

“I think we laid some good groundwork today. I’d like to see you weekly if that’s feasible.” Jean stood, offering Dani her hand to shake. She was wondering if an anti-anxiety drug might help Dani with some of social issues. She decided to wait until Dani was off chemo. The side effects of a new drug on top of all the ones she was taking would be difficult to gauge.

"We'll have to work it in around my chemo schedule. I have to spend two weeks in the hospital for one of the medicines every four weeks or so. But other than that, it seems very feasible to me," Dani replied, while getting up and shaking Jean's hand.

"Thanks for seeing me. It's good to be on the road to recovery, as they say."

“Of course. Do what you can.” Jean said with a smile. “Please feel free to text or e-mail the office if you have any kind of non-life threatening emergency or just feel the need to talk.”

"I will, though I hope that I don't end up having any emergencies, life-threatening or not," Dani joked, as she started heading out of her office, "Thanks again!"