Who: Ezio Auditore and Lara Croft What: First session When: 10/9 Where: Ezio's office Rating: PG13, discussion of psychological issues & violence Status: Complete
Ezio was set up for his first appointment that day, and truth told, he was rather interested. The lady had seemed very nervous, and very skittish. Hopefully he could help her in that regard. He always felt sorry for unsettled people; they often missed a lot of life.
It had been a rough morning for Lara. She’d dreamed again. She was becoming more and more proficient with fire arms - and with the feel of embedding axes into men’s skulls. She didn’t know if she could even talk about any of that, but she felt like she needed to see someone, and she didn’t want to freak out Sam. She’d tell her. Eventually.
She ran her fingers through her hair and stepped through the door. She looked haggard.
Ezio didn’t have a secretary, at least at the moment, so when she came in, he was there. “You must be Signorina Croft?” She was familiar, from the computer network. “I am Ezio Auditore; it is nice to meet you.”
“I’m Lara. Nice to meet you.” She held out her hand, looking at him like she had decided he wasn’t a threat.
“Ezio, then. Likewise, most certainly.” He shook her hand firmly, but not too strongly. She looked like a mouse who’d had no sleep in years. “Please, come inside. Was it difficult to find this place?”
“No, it was pretty easy, actually.” She followed him inside. “Thank you for seeing me. I must look frightful, I didn’t sleep well last night.”
“You look tired, yes, but I have seen much worse.” Ezio smiled. He gestured to his patient chair; a comfortable, sleek armchair opposite his own. “Sit, please. We shall deal with paperwork and things of that nature at the end of the appointment. For now, please, advise me as to why you are here.”
“I think it depends on how crazy I think I am.” She smiled tiredly. “Maybe we could start with something simple. What do you think about…...gay issues?”
“Gay issues?” Ezio echoed, raising an eyebrow. “I think everyone’s sexuality is their own business. I think that it can be difficult to arrive at one’s own, and I think that sometimes family does not understand. I think that there are still many myths which abound about homosexuality and its origins, and that all of them are wrong, because not being heterosexual is a state of being, not a choice.”
“...okay. Because I think I’m in love with my best friend but I’m still in that stage where I don’t want to lose her, so I’ve only told her that I like women.” This was a lot easier than discussing… well her dreams. She was grateful her thought bubble had disappeared.
“Well, that is something which must be approached with caution in itself.” Ezio didn’t blink. “I presume that she responded well to that admission, though, or we would be speaking of how to get her back.” He smiled. “I also must congratulate you upon your courage, signorina. Unfortunately, in this day and time, coming out of the closet requires much strength.”
“It does. I’m a bit worried, actually. The last thing I want is for that to be what people focus on once I start my career, but it could happen.” Lara moved her hands, half-speaking with them. “Oh, I make this fantastic discovery but they see my sex life instead and instead of focusing on the knowledge there are cameras in my face asking if I’m seeing Angelina Jolie or someone.”
Ezio shook his head. “The one thing that I think you may need to learn first and foremost, if I might suggest? It is unfortunately not possible to control others.” Though of course, it would be nice! “I can speak even from personal experience. We can only control how we react to others; we cannot make them act as we wish. What do you do, where you would make discoveries?”
“Archaeology. I plan on exploring tombs and ruins and so on. Maybe discover a lost kingdom.” Though hopefully that wouldn’t lead to the disaster that had been the dream expedition.
“Fascinating!” Ezio meant it. History and that sort of discipline had always been of interest to him. “You wish to discover Atlantis one day?”
“Oh, that would be nice. I doubt it actually exists, at least not in any form popular culture imagined! But there are plenty of places like it. My father always thought it existed.” Lara rolled her eyes. The less said about her father’s theories the better. “I think it’s actually several myths rolled into one place, and that the actual location did exist.”
“You may indeed be right. I know that ancient Troy was real, but not perhaps in the form imagined by filmmakers and the like.” Ezio smiled. “Tell me something, Signo - Lara. You appear most confident when speaking of your career. Are you that same confident woman when speaking of yourself and your personal life?”
“N-not really.” She shook her head. “I’ve always been terrible in social situations. The only reason I’m half as competent as I am is I have a very good friend who insisted I get out of the flat. It’s not that I have low self-esteem, I just...don’t do so well with people.”
“Could you tell me why you think this is?” Ezio tried to choose his words carefully. “Do you believe that people will judge you? Or have you encountered situations where this has actually happened?”
“No… I don’t think so?” She racked her brain. “My parents disappeared when I was a teenager, and so I was raised by a gruff man who taught me how to handle myself in situations. But I’ve always been more drawn to my eventual profession. I grew up in the British Museum, practically, my friends were mummies and wax statues and ancient texts.”
Ezio nodded. “The reason I ask is because if someone has actually experienced trauma, it is very different, of course, than someone who is merely shy by nature. And there is nothing wrong with being shy.” He smiled at her. “Many somehow believe that introversion is some kind of failing, but I disagree. Introverts simply require another set of tools to manage the world - unless they wish to shut it all out, of course, but with the career you plan, that does not appear to be possible.”
“I can’t say I’ve experienced any trauma when awake,” Lara answered, truthfully. She was actually pretty terrified of who she’d turn in to. Loud noises were starting to get to her, and not in the ‘aah scary!’ sort of way. In the ‘do I need to kill something or run away’ sort of way. “I think I’m just naturally more inclined to dusty tombs than large gatherings of people.”
He seized on her words. “People have spoken to me of these dreams. I admit that I have not encountered any, but I wish to know more. I must if I am to be helpful to my clients.” Ezio looked at her. “You have experienced trauma when you are not awake, then? Going by what you have said?”
She ducked her head, looking at her hands. She searched for the right words. “At first they were nice. Wish fulfillment, maybe. Going on expeditions as a child with my father. Getting better survival training with Roth, learning to use a bow. Then…” She lifted her hand and fingers the jade pendant there. She became less shy and more animated “I found this when I was six in my dreams. I woke up one morning with it clenched in my hand. It’s a Maori symbol. New Zealand. It basically symbolizes renewal. Hope and rebirth, among other things. It can also represent the strength of bond between people.”
Lara sighed. “Right. I dreamed I lost my parents in a similar fashion. Just disappearing after a plane crash. And then I dreamed about Sam and boarding school and University, and most of that was very similar to my life here. I locked away my inheritance and worked my way through school.” Pause. “My family is nobility, for the record. I’d rather not have that be too well known. I don’t want to be Lady Croft. My father was an Earl. So things were pretty nice until I started dreaming about my first real expedition.”
He noticed how passionate she became about the pendant, smiling at its loveliness. “It does tell me about you, though, Miss Lara. It shows me you are independent and strong, as well as unwilling to accept what you have not worked for. Perhaps you feel as though you must work for people’s acceptance, before you may feel comfortable in their presence?”
“Maybe. I don’t really want their acceptance. I want them to look at me for what I’ve done. It’s not who you are that should define you, but what you do.” She shifted in the seat, and played with the arm rests on her chair. “And if these dreams are some kind of window or mirror, I really don’t like what I see.”
“What you have said is very illuminating,” Ezio said, looking over at her. “The overwhelming majority of the time, people argue that deeds do not define a person, but rather who they are inside. You cannot escape who you are, even if you might wish to. You can discover an ancient race of aliens” - he gestured as if to explain that he was pulling examples from thin air - “but you will still be Lara Croft, daughter of an earl, with an inheritance, a shyness in social situations, and an attraction to ladies.”
“I may have mangled a quote. The full thing is ‘The extraordinary is in what we do, not who we are.’” Lara said, laughing. “But you’re right. I’m still Lara Croft. I still feel that it’s what I do that should matter, and not ...any of those other things. I don’t know if I should run away from the family, and the dreams.”
“You cannot. That is my point.” Ezio said gently. “You may be able to disavow the family, to ignore the dreams, but they will still affect you, and shape you into someone that you might not be otherwise. The important thing is that you are able to deal with who that person is.”
She looked up at him. There was a glint in her eyes, a hardness that hadn’t been there before. It was the kind of look that was usually associated with an active duty soldier in Iraq. “I hope I can.”
“Is this one of the reasons that you have come to me?” Ezio wanted to know before he pressed on. “To be able to deal with who the dreams turn you into?”
“...yes. I know if I don’t do it now, if I don’t have the process already started, I’m not going to ever do it.” She was pretty certain that she might still pull back, but it would be harder if she already had the ball rolling.
“I understand.” Ezio spoke lightly, not wanting to make it sound as important as it was. He nodded. “Whatever I can do to help, I assure you, I will.” He didn’t entirely understand these dreams, but at the same time, he had sworn to help her. And he liked her courage.
“So the island.” She started. “We were searching for the kingdom of Yamatai, and ...it was all my fault. I insisted we go into the Devil’s Triangle, to try to find Yamatai, and… the storm wrecked us. But that wasn’t even the worst part, though I thought it was when I washed ashore.”
“So, you have perhaps injuries and survivor’s guilt, in your dreams, in addition to your fear?” Ezio was listening intently. She seemed to be a different person when speaking of all this.
“I’ve woken up with the injuries and the scars,” she said, nodding. “But after I washed ashore, someone hit me from behind. I woke hanging upside down among bundled up corpses, surrounded by altars.”
Ezio’s nose wrinkled. “Appalling. Have you dreamt as to who was the perpetrator of this deed?”
“Not yet. At least… I don’t think so. I knocked myself down. I landed on some metal, rebar I think.” She pulled up the left side of her shirt to show the puckered scar. It was just below her rib cage on the left side of her stomach. “It goes all the way through. I managed to get out of the caverns...there was a shrine on the way it had...one of the crew members strung up on it.” Lara blanched. “Some man tried to grab me on the way but a rock slide killed him. The storm was heavy and seemed to be shaking the mountain apart.”
Ezio’s eyes widened imperceptibly. “The dreams did this?” How was it possible? “That sounds awful.” Definitely survivor’s guilt; this was an intuitive and smart woman, and she would immediately care more for the welfare of others than for herself. “You speak of a shrine ... do you mean in the sense of an island society, or was it recognizable? I am sorry to ask, to make you relive it, but I wish to have a full picture.”
“Not one I’ve seen before. They seem to worship some sun deity, but they’re all...shipwreck survivors. Like me. Something on that island twists them into...madmen and killers. Human sacrifice, murder. They didn’t hesitate to kill people, and...they have Sam, I dream they have her, I don’t know what they’re going to do but I have to find her. There’s a man, a Russian.” She waved her hands a little in the air. “He captured me, but I escaped. He found me and…”
“Sam is your ... friend?” ‘Object of your affection’ sounded clumsy and long, even to Ezio. And if the Russian had done what Ezio feared, he wanted her mind off that for now.
“Yes. We met in boarding school and went to Uni together. She’s this...party girl and extrovert, my polar opposite in a lot of ways, but she’s also really, really brilliant with film and editing.” Lara grinned. “She keeps me active, and I keep her from going too wild, so it really works out. Really, I think we both feel like we don’t belong, sometimes. Her parents were really neglectful, and mine are gone.” She looked down at her hands again. “I don’t know what I’d do without her. I wanted to see her again.. And when that man..I was certain he was going to kill me. So I fought back, and I got his gun, and I shot him. And it was hard and I don’t know if I feel shitty because I killed him or because I’d do it again if I had to.”
Ezio nodded. He’d seen this kind of thing in many people, especially women, who had been put in that position. “I think that you have every right to feel however you are feeling,” he said, choosing his words again. “It is indeed true that you have killed a man, Miss Lara ... but killing an attacker is very different than killing someone who meant you no harm.” He shook his head. “I think we can help you to accept this - at least I hope so - because I truly believe, from the scenario you illustrate, that you had no choice. It was him, or you. Feeling bad should not enter into any occasion where you must be violent to save your own life.”
"He was just the first," She said, quietly. "They want to kill me, hurt Sam, kill Roth and the rest of my friends. I have to make them afraid of me."
She counted them. One. Then Three, then ten. "I don't want to. I don't want to be that good with a bow, or a gun. It feels like I'm in a warzone. And then I wake up and I have to vomit. But it's just a dream. But I have scars and bruises, and they don't feel like dreams but memories."
He couldn’t address the real wounds from dreams right then. The psychological issues came first for him. “Right now, though, I am unsure if it is possible to escape the warzone. So what do you do when the flight option is closed off to you, Miss Lara?”
She swallowed, throat tight. “I put an arrow into a throat, or a bullet in a chest. I have this...climbing axe. I need it to get around the island, but it’s also..very useful for other things.”
“I imagine it would be.” Ezio kept his voice calm. “I just want you to understand that there is no shame in surviving.”
Lara’s jaw tightened, and she shook her head. “It’s just...it gets so easy. That’s so terrifying.”
“My dear lady, what is the alternative?” Ezio asked. “I suppose you could always allow yourself to be killed, but it does make one wonder what the real life consequences would be. I would not wish to see you expire.”
“If I die, there’ll be no one for Sam.” Lara shook her head, and the hardness returned. “Roth is more injured than I am, I don’t know where Reyes, or Alex or Jonah is. It’s all on me.”
Ezio reacted, curious, shaking her shoulder. “Lara. You are in my office in Orange County. Not on a deserted island.”
She jumped a little, hand going for a non-existent weapon. She closed her eyes and took a shakey breath. “I don’t know who I’m turning into.”
“We can find out.” Ezio’s tone was soft. “Lara, I would like to continue to work with you about this, if you will let me. It is not right, that you have the flashbacks; it is almost as if you have the post-traumatic stress disorder. Or even a dissociative disorder. You are, yet are not that woman on the island.”
“I’m probably not the first going through this,” she pointed out. She doubted she’d be the last. Her hand went to Ezio’s. “I’m going to have to tell Sam this. She’s...on that island too, and she’s started dreaming. Just the things before but if she dreams of that place..”
“I agree, you must tell your friend.” Who knew if this Sam would share Lara’s dreams, but it was best to avoid any incipient psychological trauma. “And I do not wish to scare you overmuch, either - I do not believe you will need medication, or have lifelong issues of that nature. But right now, this sounds problematic, and I would like to help you with it. That is all I ask.”
Lara thought about that for a few moments. Then she said. “I know me. I know I’ll try to draw away. If the dreams get more traumatic I’ll want to hide it and keep it hidden. I’ll be stubborn. Would you suggest I clue Sam in just to have someone to force me to come in?”
“Yes.” Ezio said immediately. “Or you may call me, if you wish to keep her in the proverbial dark a bit longer. I do not believe this will be a long-term problem right now, but it will become one if you ignore it. If you hide in the shadows, they will forever become your home.”
“You have a poetic way with words,” Lara said, a smile returning to her face for the first time in what seemed like ages.
Ezio smiled a little. “I speak, so I am told, in the way of books. I try only to get my point across. But I do not wish that you fall into shadows. I wish for you to be happy. With your Sam.”
“That’s an issue I’ll have to deal with when it’s time.” Lara looked at the clock. “I think our time is almost up…” It was a bit of a shame, she was feeling a little better.
Ezio looked at the clock. “It appears so, yes.” Regretfully. “I would very much like to see you again, though. If you wish it. I believe I can help you.” Not said boastfully or rudely, just factually. “I feel as though you should be able to be more comfortable in your own skin, Lara.”
“Can we make this a weekly thing?” Lara stood, wiping her sweaty palms on her pants.
“Assolutamente. Absolutely.” Ezio was relieved, smiling.