Pamela Swynford de Beaufort (walmrtsweatsuit) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2013-10-08 19:31:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, maia amell (the warden), pamela swynford de beaufort |
Who: Maia Amell & Pam Swynford de Beaufort
What: Talking things out
When: Right after this log, 10/7
Where: Pam's place
Rating: PG, Language & innuendo
Status: Complete
After saying goodbye to Theo, Pam headed home to try and cook. She just hoped she wouldn’t burn the damn place down. And luckily, she didn’t, though the kitchen definitely smelled a little weird by the time she was done.
Afterward, she called Maia, leaving a message and asking her to come over when she had time. They needed to talk, and if she was honest, Pam was kind of curious about Maia’s noises. Call it schadenfreude.
Maia had a virtual sound track as she walked down the street. While she didn’t have her cousin’s penchant for attracting trouble, she was still well versed in crazy, and a literal ‘thrum’ followed her. She supposed it was supposed to be her magic.
Pam heard the noise before anything else when Maia got to her place. She came up the stairs, curious as she unlocked the door. “You got an effects guy trailing you?”
“It sure seems like it.” She rushed in and hugged Pam, kissing her. Little hearts and kissing effect appeared in the air around them.
Pam laughed against Maia’s lips. “That’s fuckin’ weird.” She awkwardly smiled. “I cooked?”
“Strange...the house hasn’t burned down,” Maia replied, nuzzling her and stepping back. “Really? You don’t need to eat...you cooked for me?”
“Yeah.” Well, now she was kind of embarrassed about it. “Just ... thought I’d be nice. Cause I still wanna talk about stuff.” God damn if she didn’t sound like she was on some stupid TV show. But it was still true.
“You’re amazing. Have I told you that lately? I love you and you’re amazing.” She kissed her again and then bounced towards the smell of food. She hoped it wouldn’t kill her.
“I love you, too.” Pam had kinda had to admit it to herself, more than once. “And just for the record, time kinda got rid of me being really pissed at you. I’m just more ... worried, I guess?” About her dreams, about everything. About that girl Morrigan.
“It’s fair to be worried. It’s just so hard to...explain some of the things. But I’m trying. I’m just terrible at this. Relationships.” She leaned against the fridge. She worried about Morrigan, too.
“Just, please, don’t lie to me. Or not tell me stuff. The more I know, the more I can help you.” Pam shook her head. “I do really care about you, you know.”
Maia chewed on her lip, then sucked on it, which made some additional sound effects pop up around her head. “Even if it’s something that might piss you off?”
“Did you cheat on me?” Pam was direct. She had to be.
That wasn’t actually what Maia had expected. She blinked, and then looked indignant. “No! Why would I do that?” She’d thought about how much it would hurt Pam and that had helped cool her body down.
“Then what else would piss me off?” Pam didn’t give a shit about whatever Maia had done in the past. Her own wasn’t exactly clean and clear.
“I met Morrigan, and we flirted, and yes she was tempting but it’s not worth ruining things with you.” Maia ran her fingers through her hair. The sound effect of her heart pounding appeared at her chest.
Pam had to laugh. “Those sound effects make this so much less serious, you know.” She stroked Maia’s jaw. “Seriously. Not much else would make me angry. And I believe you, by the way.”
“I need her around. I’m going to tell you that right now. Not because she’s shaggable, but because she’s a mage, like me. Other than my cousin she’s the only one who knows what that means. The circle mage, the apostate, and the witch of the wilds.” Maia chuckled. “We really do have the trifecta. All we need is a blood mage and we’re set.”
Pam looked lost for a minute. “I don’t get it, but I’m not pissed off. Just ... confused.” This was why relationships tended to be difficult for her. And this mage shit. “Why is that such a big deal? You’re still a person.” Pam was the one who wasn’t human anymore.
“People in my world are scared of us. I grew up in a tower with other mages. Trained, taught, made to believe I was lesser than everyone else because the Maker saw fit to curse me. Hawke..she grew up free, but always afraid. When would the templars come and take her away? Rip her from her family, or kill her, or torture her and them because she was a free mage?” Maia’s throat had tightened. “Morrigan grew up away from civilization. She was the freest of us all, but she had her own demons to face. And the demons. The real live demons, always a threat. If we let our guard down even a little, they can find a way in, a way to tempt us. And that temptation can lead to losing yourself. It’s why blood magic is forbidden. Even among free mages, it’s something that you only ever do if you have absolutely no choice. Becoming a Grey Warden, while it meant I was a member for life, was like finding a new kind of freedom. I wish there were more of those around.”
Pam sighed. “So let me make sure I get it. In your world, if you have powers like that, you’re considered dangerous? Like terrorists. That’s sick, to have to live like that. And I don’t know what blood magic is, but I can guess.” She looked down, trying to choose her words carefully. “Yet. I still feel like you’re at least still human. I’m a bloodsucker. In my world, people see me as a monster, too. This ain’t my world.” She closed her eyes. “I’m not gonna get all angry at you, but it’s too ...” She trailed off and finally just said it, given that it seemed to work okay the first time. “I don’t like that you ‘need’ someone who isn’t me.”
“Yes. It’s pretty much...like we’re terrorists on sight. And the shite part of it all is when you’re a mage on the run, the odds of you turning to blood magic and demons goes up exponentially. It’s because you’re actively hunted.” She closed her eyes.
“I can’t tell you I understand.” Pam wasn’t going to bullshit Maia. “I wish I did.” She looked away for a few minutes. “Vampires in my dreams are second-class citizens, but we kind of had an armed truce with humans. We were distrusted, but not that bad.”
Maia nodded. “I can’t really think of many … examples in this world. I don’t think there can be, because it’s not like mages are entirely innocent. It was mages that kind of ruined the world to begin with. Trespassed on the holy city of the Maker, or something like that. It’s why we have the blights, but that could just be religious propaganda.”
“My question is, who cares?” Pam looked at her. “This isn’t that world. We’re not going to have some huge demon show up and raise hell. You have powers, yeah, but unless you plan to join a nunnery or something to make up for your original sin, there isn’t much you can do. Is there?” She wasn’t even trying to be snarky for once; she just wanted to get it. She felt like she might lose Maia if she didn’t.
She looked at Pam, and decided she wanted to put her mind at ease. There was no need to worry her about the voices or the demons or the fade. Pam was one of the things that kept her rooted. “Fortunately that’s not something I believe in. Magic is a gift, not a curse.”
“I know you heard voices. In this world that’s schizophrenia, not magic. But Maia, I don’t know.” Pam bit her lip, looking down. “I just fuckin’ feel like since I can’t get all this, you won’t ... like, I want to do everything to help.” But it wouldn’t be enough, because she didn’t come from that world, but damn it, she wanted to keep Maia.
“You help.” She stroked her fingers along Pam’s cheek. “Just...caring. Just being … I’m sorry. I feel like I’m being selfish.”
“I don’t know. Maybe you are, or maybe I’m being a bitch because I want what I don’t think can happen.” Maia couldn’t trust her with absolutely everything, because she didn’t have the background to help with it. “Just, I do actually love you, and that’s kind of rare.” Pam managed a smile, but she knew it was vulnerable, and awkward, and she hated it, and anyone but Maia would have gotten a slap in the face for seeing it.
“Oh Pamela…” She pulled Pam into her arms and kissed her cheek. “I love you. Maker, I love you and I don’t know how to handle it. I keep freaking out about hurting you. I know I’m going to do it and it bothers me so much. I just want you to smile, to be happy.”
“I get that you wouldn’t do it on purpose. Just, I got all scared, and I still don’t get it, but I can just try.” Pam hugged her. “Yeah, we might hurt each other - God fucking knows I’m no prize - but just be straight up about it, don’t just run away. That would hurt so much worse, okay? Promise.”
Maia nodded her head. She didn’t want to think about that. She didn’t want to cause that pain. “You cooked for me. No one’s ever done that.” Well not like this anyway.
“Yeah.” Pam was almost embarrassed. “I just ... kinda figured you probably didn’t eat.” Maia got obsessive. It was something they had in common.
“Uhm. Good call!” She gave Pam a thumbs up. “Now, lets see if you’ve managed to poison me. It smells good!”
“I had some help.” Pam chuckled. “Met a lady at the grocery store and asked her what I’d need for this. And yes, she was hot, but she has not one but two boyfriends. Brothers.” She was happy with Maia, but man, it would have been nice to have twins once upon a time.
“I had brothers once…’ Maia tapped her finger against her lip. “I suppose it was okay, but they ended up fighting and I slipped out.”
Pam rolled her eyes indulgently. “Men.” She squeezed Maia’s hand.
“Oh yes. I’ve been told they’re only good for one thing. I forget the rest of that line, though.” She squeezed her hand back and then headed into the kitchen for the meal.
Pam followed, having found a couple of blood bags from a source she’d been tipped off to. “You want me to stick with the bag? I can use a glass, if it feels more normal.” She didn’t really care, but if it would make Maia feel more normal, she could deal.
“...I think a glass might be better. Make us both feel more normal.” She didn’t think that Pam cared, but maybe if she tried it in a glass she’d feel better. She’d drinken blood out of a goblet before, herself!
Pam nodded. She didn’t frankly know or care what was normal, so she’d do it for Maia. “Just try the pasta. I wanna see if I actually managed to make something edible.”
"We'll find out. Can you even taste it?" What if there was something too sweet. Or she'd put in something extra spicey. Maia was suddenly filled with trepidation. She swallowed, and she straightened her spine. She could do this!
“I can taste it. I had to go throw up after, but I can taste it.” Pam shook her head. She went over to her fridge and got some blood out for herself.
“You still threw up from tasting? Not even swallowing? It’s a good thing you don’t like dick,” Maia said, taking a seat. It made a scraping emote when she pulled it closer. She giggled. “Ladies swallow.”
“I can’t eat any food.” Pam laughed, snickering at the dick joke. “And who the fuck said I was a lady?”
“You can be a lady. A real classy one. Okay maybe a dame. Like those sexy bitches from the Noir books.” Mmm. She imagined Pam in a slinky red dress, with a cigarette. Ba bump va va va voooom
“You know I own a dress like that, right?” Pam smirked. Shit, now she just had to bust it out.
“.....Fuck you no way?” She looked at Pam, eyes wide.
“I swear.” Pam was laughing now. “Long, red and clingy. Some of my clients like the Mae West thing.”
“I wouldn’t mind a private little…. dance.” Her eyes were alight with the possibilities.
“Maybe you can get one later.” Pam said, smiling.
“You know just how to make a girl feel special,” Maia replied. She rested her chin in her hands and gazed adoringly at Pam. Little heart bubbles popped around her head.
Pam grinned. “Those sound effects are never going to get old.” She took Maia’s hand and kissed it gently.
“God, tonight is going to be hysterical isn’t it. Or later tonight. Or this morning. Or whatever.” Another ‘va’va’vavooooom effect.
“I hope we can fuck, and won’t be laughing too hard.” Pam chuckled.
“Oh hon…” Maia gave Pam a wicked grin. “Half the fun is realizing that it can be really, really funny.”
“Well, try the food, and then if you don’t die, we can go in the bedroom and laugh our asses off.” Pam folded her arms, smiling a little. She liked laughing with Maia above even the sex. It was what made it a big deal.’
The Warden smiled at Pamela, and she felt a lot better about her lot. “Then I’m starving. Pasta, and then tuna.”