Canaan can't trust her senses (fortheliving) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2013-10-06 12:54:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, canaan, motoko kusanagi |
“What do you want?”
Who: Catoko
What: Serious relationship talks, Feels.
When: Recently!
Where: Matoko's place, now home to Canaan as well.
Ratings/Warnings: PG-13 just in case.
Status: Complete!
There was less to move than Motoko thought there would be, and with her enhanced strength they hadn’t needed movers. That was fortunate, as Canaan’s arsenal was pretty impressive. She wanted to get her hands on Canaan’s trigger. She put some takeout on the table, and leaned her hip against it has she watched Canaan go through a box. “Why don’t you take a break.”
The smell of the takeout was enticing, but Canaan was trying to focus. Moving in had taken such little time that she was actually still getting mental whiplash from it. It was odd, considering how much of her time had been spent on the move. That studio apartment she'd lived in wasn't the last place she was ever going to stay in her life, but she'd started to consider it home.
She pulled a wooden cigar box out of the box she'd been sifting through, and carefully set it off to the side, "I need to get things sorted before my eyes click out."
“That could be in a month,” Motoko said, pulling out the food. But she didn’t argue, coming over instead and offering her a bowl. “At least fuel up.”
"Or it could be a matter of weeks." Canaan frowned a bit. The most important thing was getting her things color-sorted before her eyes were too far gone. She'd had those in order before she moved, but now she had to go through the process all over again.
However, when Motoko handed her a bowl of food, she finally relented and decided to take a break, "This smells delicious. It's awesome to be able to smell something and just... smell it."
Canaan took a seat near Motoko, and grabbed a fork. What wasn't awesome was the amount of fear she had that they suddenly wouldn't work out now that they were together like this. How did people talk about this stuff?
“We’ll get through it, whenever it happens,” she said, shaking her head. She hated that it was a when and not an if, but they’d just have to deal with it. “We’ll make it okay.”
"The other me is actually thrown off when things are normal. Which is... such a strange irony for me. She doesn't know how to function when colors don't give her information. I think I'll adapt to that, too, and maybe that's what scares me most. The idea that the sun burning blue will be normal."
Canaan stared down at her food, "She hardly eats, either. I've noticed how very infrequently I get hungry these days. Maybe I'm becoming something other than human, too."
“I don’t think you will adapt to that,” she replied. “I think you’ve spent so much of your life normal that part of you will always have that.” She put her hand on her friend’s cheek.
"I don't want to forget what colors really look like. I don't want to forget that..." Canaan ran a hand up into her hair, and shook her head, "And I think it's progressing too fast for your friend to do anything about it."
That last part was also frightening. She really couldn't imagine a time in her life when she'd felt this afraid, "I've never needed someone. Not like I need you. Like I need your friend. I don't know if you wanted someone who needed you. I'm scared I'll need you too much."
Motoko had been intending to talk about...something else entirely, but there they were. She nodded. “I want to be needed. I’ve never been needed like this before.”
"It's terrifying. I've never been this scared or unsure of myself before."
There, she'd said it. Canaan left that subject out on the table for a bit, deciding to take that moment to get in some of her food before it went cold. They needed to talk about this, and they weren't very good at talking. She wondered what that meant for the future. Or if they had a future.
She really wanted one, she realised.
“What do you want?” Motoko asked, simply and quietly. “What do you actually want?”
"I want Siam to be proud of me. I want to find his killer. I want to be better than the person that I am. I want a future. I want a future I can look forward to, with happiness and a home with someone I love. You." Canaan looked over at her, "And I want you to understand that even though I listed you last, you aren't last where it counts."
That was unexpected, and had a profound impact on Motoko. She set down her bowl, looking into the food as though it held the mysteries of the universe. In reality she was processing what had just been said. Not like computer data. Like a human being, emotions and all. “I think you’re already better than you think you are.”
She looked up at Canaan, eyes shining a little. “I don’t like to predict the future, but I’m one to try. Where it counts.”
"Then that's what we'll do. We'll try. And... hopefully we'll succeed. I don't know. I can't be sure what will happen. I just..."
Canaan bit back the words she was going to say. She'd never said them to anyone, not even to Siam. It was probably the wrong thing to say right now with them just starting out. Saying you loved someone had a completely different meaning than admitting you needed them.
"...I don't want anyone else but you."
It was too soon to say. Motoko didn’t think Canaan needed labels right now. She needed support, and friendship, and whatever kindness Motoko could give. “I could have anyone I wanted. I know that. But I want you.”
"You could. Your body was amazing before it was made of metal. You've always been amazing. I remember back then... I haven't been with anyone since, you know. I can't pretend it was completely casual on my part."
Canaan turned her attention back to her food, then, while she thought about that. Coming across the woman again felt a little like Fate, really. How many times had she been in the right place at the right time for Maria in her dreams?
Motoko wasn't Maria, but Canaan wanted to take it as a sign, anyway. Life had a way of throwing the people that mattered to her most right into her path, repeatedly if necessary.
Motoko didn’t know if Canaan meant she was the only person, or if there’d been someone before her. The way she talked about Siam always made her wonder. She was still shocked, and couldn’t think straight after that admission. She wet her lips, completely unnecessary but still a habit.
“I’m only human.”
Canaan smiled, "That's all we all are. And it's enough. I'm not putting you on a pedestal. I just... recognize your finer qualities."
“Tell me more about my finer qualities,” Motoko said, her voice growing deeper.
"You're an amazing shot, a capable combatant, and brilliantly intelligent. You make looking nice so effortless, like you can easily shift between the world I usually live in and the other one. You're a woman, a real woman, who is complex and deep and..." Canaan blushes a bit, "Your color is every color at once. You're brighter than the brightest star. Sometimes when I feel it, even when you're nowhere near."
“I don’t know if I can live up to that,” Motoko replied. It was a tall order and made her stomach do flipflops and somersaults. She almost turned the sensation off but decided that wasn’t fair. Doing that would make her less human.
"You already live up to it," Canaan replied, sounding a little confused, "You asked me to tell you about your finer qualities. These are all qualities you already possess. How can that be so frightening?"
“Because of the way you’re saying them. I’m scared I’ll...disappoint you.”
"I know that fear," Canaan whispered. She shook her head, "But I don't think you will. I was always so afraid of disappointing Siam. I think I was afraid of disappointing Maria. But the only way I would have done that was being anything less than me. You're you."
“You’ve never disappointed me. You’re...you, too. Whatever this you is going to be.” She wrapped her arms around Canaan and pulled her closer. “I never have to worry about protecting you, but I want to.”
"You never need it either, but I will probably still try to, at some point," Canaan replied. She squeezed Motoko, taking in the smell of her, the sight of her, all of that data that would get twisted by her eyes later on. She committed that to memory.
"I'm glad we did this. Had this talk. Moved in. All of it."
Motoko leaned in and kissed her, a fluttering, soft sort of kiss. It was both inviting, and leaving an exit.
There was no way that Canaan was going to take the exit option now. As far as she was concerned, this kiss was sealing the promise they'd just made to each other. She wanted that more than anything, so she returned the kiss - saying again with the heart of her what she'd already tried to say with words.