"I didn’t learn to protect myself overnight." Who: Wolfwood and Vanille What: A long overdue chat! When: 09/25 Where: Wolfwood's place. Ratings/Warnings: PG-13. Very brief mention of being attacked. Status: Complete!
Vanille was standing in front of Wolfwood's apartment door. She knew he was still feeling a little under the weather, but she also knew that Belle had run out for a while. It was the perfect time to get a chance to speak to him by himself.
She wasn't sure what exactly she was going to say, or maybe she did, but she wasn't sure how exactly she was going to say it. But she'd put together a 'get well' care package, and she had it in her arms. Now she just had to get up the courage to ring the doorbell.
Finally, after another minute, she rang it.
Wolfwood was still not feeling good, but he was feeling good enough to get up and shuffle to the door. He looked in the peephole, blinked, then looked again. It was indeed Vanille; his eyes weren’t playing tricks.
He managed to open the door as he sneezed, turning his head away from her for a minute. “Sorry. Hello, Vanille. You can come in, if you want, though it’s pretty germy in here. Belle’s gone out for a while.” Probably to Frost, or hell, he’d imagined that she’d gone to see this girl.
"That's alright! I think I've got a spell that keeps germs away a little bit, but I don't think it'd just heal you up or I'd try it on you."
Vanille stepped into his apartment, and held up a box. It included some get well teas and snacks she thought he might like, cough drops, pocket tissues, and some of those stick on heat pads. At the bottom was a jar of tiger balm. She pointed at it, "That stuff's great! You can rub it on your chest and it makes it all warm and your nose starts breathing again."
Wolfwood blinked, managing a small smile. “Thank you. I appreciate it.” That should help, and it was really rather nice of her to offer. “You didn’t have to do that.” He’d been meaning to have a talk with her once he’d gotten back to full strength, but she appeared to have beat him to the punch.
She looked around for somewhere to put the box, finally settling on awkwardly handing it to him. He'd know best where he wanted the things anyway, "You should probably be layin' down if you're still feeling sick. I could make you some tea or something?"
There were little puffy areas under her eyes and she looked like she needed a cup of tea, herself. If Belle'd been around as often as Vanille thought, then the kitchen was probably immaculate, so she figured it'd be easy for her to make her way around it, "I wanted to talk to you, but it can wait a few seconds until you're a little more comfy."
Wolfwood took it, shuffling into the kitchen, setting the things on the counter. “Tea would be great, actually.” He sounded like he’d swallowed a bullfrog. “It’s nice of you to think of me. And I’ve actually wanted to talk to you for a little while, so that’d be fine.” He didn’t want to patronize her, but he didn’t want to be an asshole, either. “I kind of got the impression you thought I was still mad at you or something, and I’m really not.”
"Oh gosh..." Vanille frowned, and shook her head. She made motions for him to sit down somewhere while she collected some mugs and filled them with water. It wasn't the traditional way to make tea, but nuking water in mugs in the microwave was certainly faster.
"Uhm... well, no, I mean, you said you forgave me, but I've been kinda on eggshells anyway 'cause forgivin' ain't the same as forgetting, if that makes sense?"
Wolfwood just appreciated that she’d gone out of her way to come over. “It’s true,” he said, “forgiving and forgetting aren’t the same. And it’d be hard to forget what you can do. But I don’t ... fear you.” He finally said, having thought of the word. “I’m not mad, and I’m not afraid of you. Even if you can do that, you don’t strike me as the type of person who’d do it to be mean, or cruel.”
Vanille chewed on her lip, and nodded. He wasn't afraid of her, but maybe he should be, was her way of thinking. That was probably why she'd been so shy of him. Well that, and the fact that he'd stolen Belle away.
Oh, that wasn't a very nice way to think it. She sighed and collected some tea bags from the box she'd given him, "Not to be mean or cruel, no. I think I let my emotions rule me sometimes though, and that can lead t’some pretty big mistakes. At least I can cure the poison if I accidentally ever cast it on someone again."
"Well, that's good." For the affected, but also for her. "I obviously don't know much about you, but I do think that unless you're pushed, you don't hurt people." Not that he'd technically pushed her, but an idiot could tell that she was messed up over Belle.
Teabags added to the mugs, Vanille popped them both in the microwave for a few minutes, then turned back to him and nodded her head a bit, "Yeah..."
Her expression had darkened a bit. She'd definitely waited too long to be pushed to do something more for Fang. Or maybe she'd been pushed too far. She was still really torn on all of that, "You're like Belle, aren't you? Like... all tough and everything. Do you think you could teach me how to be like you?"
Wolfwood cocked his head to one side. "I'm not sure that I know what you mean, Vanille." Tough meant a lot of things.
"She can protect people, and fight, and kill bad guys, and all of that. I thought... you must be like that, because you're much better than me and she's really... you know, she treats you like an equal." Vanille waved a hand in the air as she talked, like she wasn't really sure exactly how to say what she meant.
A lot of the time, her brain just wouldn't find the words she wanted. It was really frustrating. She pulled the tea mugs out of the microwave and held his up, "You want milk or cream or honey or anythin'? Oh... assuming you have any of those things here."
“I do have milk and cream, but I’m ok with just plain.” Wolfwood reached for a tissue. “And just to make sure I understand. You want to learn to protect yourself? Because I’m not ‘better than you’ at all.”
"You have to be," Vanille replied, shaking her head. She turned to his fridge and got herself a little cream for tea, then brought both mugs over and hand him his, "She's got that whole... or she used to have, that mission to protect people. So she couldn't be with anyone. But she's with you, and she couldn't be with me, and I thought that was 'cause you're better. You don't need protectin'."
After a pause and a bit of a laugh she added, "Except from colds and my magic I guess."
Wolfwood managed a chuckle, but it was only a temporary thing. He felt bad for Vanille, but he didn’t want to come off like a jackass. So he chose his words carefully. “Vanille, I don’t think it’s about that.” He looked over at her. “I can’t pretend to know what Belle thinks - you might want to ask her, if you have any questions. But I know that sometimes, people also just change. They see that people are better as friends, or they decide that, I don’t know, where they’re living isn’t the best place for them, or they like Coke better than Pepsi.” He was fairly sure that Belle didn’t like him just because she didn’t have to look after him all the time.
It was better for Vanille to think that it had been that, than other things like the fact that Wolfwood was a man. Whatever he had, she couldn't provide. She frowned a bit, "She told me we couldn't work out because she wasn't allowed to be happy with anyone. But..."
One of her eyes squinted shut a bit while she sorted through her emotions, "... well if she gets to be happy with you then that's better than her not bein' happy at all."
Wolfwood actually hadn’t known that, and said as much. “I didn’t know she told you that. But I still think that she just changed her mind, Vanille. I can’t imagine that she’d have lied to you.” Belle loved Vanille, he knew that; he just didn’t think that she loved Vanille that way. But he wasn’t going to apologize for how Belle apparently felt about him.
"No, I don't think she was lyin'. I'd never think something so mean about her!" Vanille shook her head, "I just thought that maybe the reason she changed her mind was that..."
She stopped herself, and let out a long sigh, "This is silly and it doesn't matter. I'm not tryin' to win 'er back, I don't want to. But I know that I'm weak, I know that my entire life has been about someone else protectin' me, and I know that hasta stop. Not just 'cause I mighta lost Belle to you over it, but because..."
Vanille stopped speaking entirely then, and bit her lip. If she kept talking she was going to cry, and Wolfwood was confused by her behaviour enough.
“Let me try and understand, okay?” Wolfwood was starting to get a headache, but it was because he was tired, not because of Vanille herself. Vanille had every right to be confused after all the craziness that went down. “Did someone tell you that you were weak, or did something happen to make you think that way?” Starting at the beginning got you the most information.
"Well... I kinda was." Vanille admitted, after a long sip of tea.
She tucked some hair behind her ear, and tried to think of the best way to sum everything up, because he didn't need twenty-two-something years of stories, "My mom an'dad wanted to protect me from the wild. I was always a little lost out there, even though I loved it. When they died, Fang took their place, and I let her. We went on adventures together, but she was always the protector. She looked after me. After the coma... she was gone, but Belle found me. I was just out in the world, alone and lost. Everything always seems so big out here. I feel like it's going to swallow me up and I'll disappear again."
That was kind of a lot to process. “Fang’s your girlfriend, right? You knew her before? And what coma do you mean, Vanille? Belle’s, just now?” Wolfwood shook his head, sipping the tea, which was good. “I’m sorry to ask so many questions, I just don’t want to get the wrong idea. I want to try and help, if I can.”
"Oh, sorry! Yes, Fang and I are mates from long time ago, you know. We were both in the orphanage together. But there was this car accident once during a trip, and I went into a coma for... I think it was 5 years." Vanille recounted the story like she was talking about the weather, "She thought I died, so she moved to America."
Wolfwood reacted slightly more strongly. “Jesus. That’s ... really difficult. How much serendipity is it, that you found each other again?” It bothered him faintly that she still seemed so hung up on Belle, when she had this woman that had come back to her again due to some cosmic fluke, but he choked it down. “I understand, though. Everybody took care of you.” And now did she miss being taken care of? Did she need a protector, or did she want to stand on her own two feet?
It was like fate that Vanille and Fang had found each other, yes. But Vanille couldn't help being attached to Belle. The other woman had been there for her when she'd thought Fang had abandoned her and all was lost.
Vanille nodded, "They did. And... I think... they kind of still are. I mean... Belle did something for me recently and... and I'm all twisted around inside about it. Something really horrible happened and I think if I was more like you maybe it woulda happened differently or maybe it never would have, but ... either way I can't stay like this. I have to change!"
“Okay. I think I understand.” Or at least as much as he could. Wolfwood sniffled, blowing his nose before answering. “The one thing that you should know about me, though, is that I didn’t learn to protect myself overnight. I don’t know how much Belle told you about me, but I’ve been in the army since I was eighteen. That’s almost twenty years of getting pushed and molded and put in dangerous situations. I don’t think I just woke up one day and figured I could defend myself. It took a whole lot of getting my butt handed to me.” Somehow he didn’t want to swear around this girl.
He went on. “I’m not saying don’t bother, but I’m saying that you have to have all the pieces if you want people to stop protecting you. And it won’t happen overnight.”
This poor guy was sick still, and Vanille suddenly felt horrifically guilty for having this conversation with him when he was in this state. She looked around for a blanket to wrap around him or something, chewing her lip a bit, "So it'll take a bit, right, I'll have to train and stuff, yeah?"
"Maybe you should curl up on your couch, you're still pretty bad off aren't ya?"
“I’ll live.” He did feel sick, but this suddenly felt important. “For you to get physically strong, yeah, it’ll take some time, but you can start changing people’s minds whenever you want to.” He looked over his mug of tea at her. “The important thing that I think you’d have to believe for you to be where you want is that you don’t need people, but they’re great to have around. Like ... I’m not saying tell everyone in your life to go away. But just don’t depend on them. If something really bad happened to me, and Belle or my friends weren’t there, I could live through it. But it’s a lot better when Belle and my friends are there to help.” He hoped he was making sense.
"So I need to start... making my own way in life, is what you're saying?" Vanille pondered that, while taking a sip of her tea. A lot of people had hinted at her that she needed to start considering something like that.
It was a frightening thought. The world seemed like it was going to swallow her up again, just thinking about it. But maybe that was the thing she needed to change first. That feeling she had, that she couldn't make it out there without getting lost, "Mr. Frost suggested I start going to Uni. He thought I might do better out there if I got an education. And I know that Belle's worried about what I'd do if she disappeared."
“University would be a great idea.” Wolfwood nodded. “It’d help you learn about stuff you really enjoy. Maybe make it into a career. And hey, you might make friends there, too. Like, obviously, it’s good to have Belle and your girlfriend, but some people like even more friends.” Some people were quieter than others, obviously. “I think that you need to pay a little more attention to what you want, and less attention to what people want for you. Does that make sense?”
Vanille nodded. She didn't just have Belle and Fang, but they were the closest friends of hers. Padme and Theo, for instance. Vanille thought maybe she needed to get out with them more.
"I think the thing is that I wasn't sure what I wanted. Or I haven't wanted much more'n I already have? I have a great place t'live, and a great job, it puts money in my pocket, and I've got Fang... the dreams sorta screwed things up for me, but... until the other night, I didn't realise there was really somethin' lacking in my life."
Wolfwood nodded. “You don’t have to tell me what happened, obviously it’s none of my” - he sneezed, covering his mouth in the crook of his elbow - “business. Sorry. But whatever did happen, maybe you should also talk to someone about it? Like, a professional? I know it might sound scary, but if you find a good one, they really help.” He shrugged. “I’ve seen a few.”
"I can't." Vanille shook her head, and then stared down into her teacup. She didn't know if Belle had already told him. It seemed like something she might tell at least him, in confidence. But if he didn't know, then she wasn't sure she could say.
She didn't know what would happen if she told a professional, "I can't tell anyone. I can't talk about it."
“You do know that if you tell a professional, they can’t talk about it, right? Unless you like, killed someone with your bare hands.” Wolfwood had to wonder just what this girl could have done. “But even if you can’t talk about whatever happened, you can talk about feeling like you want to protect yourself instead of being protected. They might be able to help you with that more than I can, or even more than Belle or Fang can.”
It was close enough to killing someone with her bare hands. She paled a bit at the mention, and slid out of the chair she'd sit down on, "That's somethin' to think about, yeah. Thanks."
Wolfwood immediately knew he’d unwittingly come at least close to the truth. Shit. “I’m sorry, for whatever I said. But whatever you do, Vanille, can I offer you one piece of advice? Just one?” He looked up at her. “Talk. Talk to me, to Belle, to Fang, to whoever you’ve got an issue with or need help from. Nobody’s gonna know how you feel unless you tell them. And if they get mad, well, maybe they’re not worth knowing.”
"What if you know..." Vanille trailed off, and frowned. Tears were pricking at her eyes, "... What if you know, that the reason you're angry, it's stupid? That you have no right t'be so angry? That the person you're angry at is already goin' through enough and doesn't need you t'be angry at them on top of everything?"
“Tell them that.” Wolfwood shrugged. “If you were angry at me” - and she might be, who knew - “I’d expect you to say Wolfwood, I’m mad at you. Even though I know it isn’t really very fair, I’m mad at you and here’s why. Maybe can we work on fixing it together?”
He wanted to be honest with her, and so he did it himself. “Like, for example, Vanille, I was kind of angry with you, because you have Fang, who I’m sure loves you, but you also care about Belle. I was angry, even though it wasn’t very fair, because I love Belle. I was going to ask you if we could talk about it, but now, because I’ve listened to you, I know you don’t love Belle romantically. At least, you don’t sound like you do. You sound like you love her like a friend, or an older sister.”
Vanille raised her eyebrows a bit, worried nearly immediately over the idea that he'd been mad at all. Her focus shifted to that, almost forgetting the other subject they'd been on, and she nodded her head.
"Yeah. Y'see, it's just... Belle was there when I really did need someone, I think. I got attached, yeah? I'm not ashamed of it, but I know that her an'I work better in that sorta big sister/little sister kinda way. You're right about that, and I love Fang more the way that you care about Belle. It actually took me a while t'realise that - I admit it. I think I didn't even realise it fully 'till I walked through your door!"
She wrinkled her nose a bit, "But I was mad at you for a while, 'cause I feel like you stole 'er away. That's probably normal for sisters everywhere. Only... Mr. Wolfwood, I really do want her to be happy and you're a good person too. You both deserve it."
“I totally understand you being mad. Especially the way we met.” Wolfwood smiled a little. “It actually was terrible timing, that you came home and I was just there, this guy you’d never met. And then when the magic thing happened, I would have been kind of irrationally angry at me for being there. Does that make sense?” He wasn’t offended; he was actually relieved that he and Vanille seemed to be on the same page.
He blew his nose once more. “I swear though, Vanille, I’d never try to tell Belle what to do, or who to see, or anything like that. I don’t think I could do it even if I wanted to.” There was no way he’d get in the way of their friendship.
"Well no, she'll make 'er own path, 'cause she's Belle. It's just that right now seein' you lots makes her happy, so that's what she's doin'."
Vanille opened up a new packet of tissues for him and handed it over to him, "Instead of bein' so sad about it, I probably shoulda just told her I missed havin' time with her. That woulda been the better way to handle it."
She set her tea mug off to the side, "Maybe I need to move out of her place. As scary as it feels, it seems like that's a good step towards proving to everyone that I can take care of myself. And... If I was livin' alone, we'd maybe schedule time to do stuff."
Wolfwood nodded his thanks for the tissues. “I think that in the future it probably is a good idea just to say stuff like that out loud. I mean, you know Belle. She likes it when you’re honest. Because then she knows exactly what’s wrong, and she can help try to fix it.” He couldn’t help but smile a little. “She actually still worries about you a lot. But I think she’d understand if you said that you needed her to step back. Not step away - not like, stop being friends - but to give you some space to branch out on your own.”
When she said she ought to move out, Wolfwood nodded. “Moving definitely would prove that you could handle yourself. But at the same time, nobody’s going to think less of you if you need help once in a while. You know? Everybody does.”
"I think she's been wantin' me to show that I can handle it out there some," Vanille sounded thoughtful. She tucked some more hair behind her ear, and nodded her head like she was finally able to draw some conclusions together, "She had me set up my own room when I got here, first time since I met her. And I think she gets scared that if somethin' happens to her I won't be able to take care of myself at all."
Wolfwood nodded, following the logic. “But you kind of want her to know that you’ll be okay if something happens to her. I mean. Obviously you’d be upset.” He didn’t want to think about Belle in the hospital. It still made him feel sick, in a different way than the cold. “But you could still be okay in the way that like, you could still be safe, and go to work and have friends and all that. Like, tell me if I’m wrong.” He looked at her. “But what you seem to want is to like people, but not need them. Is that right?”
"...Well..." Vanille took a moment to sort through her own thoughts again, "...I gotta be honest. That's the right reason, the ones you're mentionin'. I know it is. It's the one I should work for... It's the one that should be mine."
She shook her head, "But it didn't start out that way. It started... me an'Fang were attacked. It started there. She's supposed to protect me, she said she always would, but she had that illness and she crumpled. I had to protect her, instead."
That was really all she should say. Vanille's voice had lowered to a whisper already, like she was in a confessional, "I'm angry at her, and I'll talk to her like you suggested. Belle had to come to our rescue, too. I just don't want to be that girl anymore. The one that watched her girlfriend get beat up. The one who was so weak she caused the mess to begin with. The one who was so terrified she almost threw up in Belle's car. I can't be her anymore, Mr. Wolfwood."
“I don’t think you have to be.” Wolfwood said, smiling a little. “I think you can learn to be stronger - I think you have the will to do it. But at the same time, Vanille, everybody needs somebody. I guess what I’m saying is what I said before - being strong doesn’t mean being lonely. If you can’t handle something, it’s okay. Strong people are those who ask for help occasionally, not never.”
Vanille shook her head, "You're scared I'm gonna push people away, but I don't think I hafta do that, no. I just want t'prove to the people in my life already that I can do this. I think, and to prove it to myself, too."
After a pause, she added, "Maybe more to myself than anyone."
“That would be the first step.” He smiled a little bit.
"Then that's where I'm gonna start!" Vanille declared, with a nod.
She felt generally better, in an overall sense. Especially now that her feelings about Wolfwood and Belle were sorted. He was a really nice guy. He'd helped her out with this talk, and she knew he'd take as good care of Belle as she was taking of him right now.
"... I better go, I think. I should go talk t'Fang while I've still got the courage to do it."
“Good luck.” Wolfwood got up as well, going to set his tea mug in the sink. “I’m glad you came over. But I think I’m going to go back to sleep.”
"I think that you should, yeah!" Vanille nodded her head. She fished the tiger balm up out of the box she'd given him, and pressed it into his hand, "Rub that into your chest before you sleep. It'll help!"
Wolfwood smiled. "Thanks, I will." He waved to her as she headed out.