Abarai Renji is tenacious. (renji) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2013-09-28 21:16:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, anna marie (rogue), renji abarai |
Who: Anna Marie (Rogue) & Renji Abarai
What: Cow tipping 101, a.k.a. - delicious crack log.
When: After this mention of cow tipping. It's belated cuz I forgot to post it since I'm made of dumb.
Where: Where da cows roam
Warnings: Low to Medium - Language, hefty serving of cow pie.
Status: Complete!
Renji was waiting at the address Rogue had told him to meet her at, glad that it was getting dark. It was bad enough that people thought he was trying to be some kind of rock star wannabe, what with the long super red hair and the forehead tattoos those ninja shitheads left him with.
TATTOO NINJAS EXIST. HE SAYS SO. SHUT YOUR FACE IF YOU THINK OTHERWISE.
He had just gotten off work and kicked his shitty car into submission until it decided to let him in the driver side door and actually start for once. If anyone asks him, that Toyota is a classic car. So what if it has rust spots and wood paneling. It’s his primary mode of transportation. It also has one more dent in the door, courtesy of his temper and his foot. It’s a mean combo.
Truth be told, he hadn’t ever been this far out of more populated areas...uhh...ever. So he stuck out like a 6’2” sore thumb, ready to mess with some cows. Not mess around with, just mess with. That means IT’S NOT IN A SEXY WAY, YOU PERVERTS.
Rogue was leaning a bike she'd hijacked. A nice Harley. She had knee high boots on, jeans that hugged her hips and a long sleeved plaid shirt that hugged her curves. Her red and white hair was pulled up into a pony tail and swayed in the breeze.
The quiet moos of sleepy cows drifted across a pasture towards them. In her southern drawl she said. " hey trouble what's up?" Her tone light and playful as she smirked. This was gonna be fun.
Her outfit sure beat his black t-shirt and jeans ensemble, but it was after work, and that's all he had in his backseat. Luckily, they didn't reek. Renji actually did his laundry on a regular basis. As for his hair, it was only loosely pulled back and not a ponytail resembling the top half of a pineapple on top of his head. Yet. He'll probably be doing that at some point or other.
"Yo." He waved a hand at her and smirked. "Nothin' much, but you look like you're more trouble than I ever could be. Heh!" He was pretty amused and at ease, but there wasn't much that scared Renji anyway. Not even getting caught tipping over cattle. "So you're the expert here, farm girl? Teach me the ways of the cow tip."
"Ready city boy?" She teased. "Ah'm made for trouble, sugah. S' why my names Rogue." She practically purred. "Ah know the farmers here. Come on then. " she headed to the pasture. She ducked under the electric tape. "Dats live. Don't touch. They suck."
She didn't mind going first. And didn't mind he could stare st her as she bent and made her way into the grass. Her lips twitched into s grin. No normal person could tip a cow. Horses? Yes. Goats? Sometime. But cows? Nope. It was an urban legend. But she planned on having a bit of fun.
"Great. If I get arrested, it's your fault." Was she purring?! Renji blinked at the woman and then raised his eyebrows, not sure if she was flirting at him or what. Usually they either argued and tased him, or ran away really fast while thinking he was a convict.
Renji followed along, and of course he rolled his eyes and then was staring right at her ass as he went to go through the fence, causing him to brush up against it and get the zap of a lifetime. A few strands of his hair went POING and stuck out funny, and he had to wait for the numb and then the tingling stinging in his arms to stop before continuing. Serves him right.
And serves him right for believing stupid urban legends. But Renji was stubborn and the only way he'd believe some things is if it was shown to him firsthand. This case was no different than the other times. Not to mention, he was too damn tall to be ducking around like that, so he looked like a fool and just about slammed his face into her buttcheek, when she stopped and he didn't notice fast enough.
He quickly leaned to one side and looked around her at the cows, giving them a lopsided smirk. This was going to be fun.
"So what do I do," he asked in a not-quite-a-whisper. "How do I tackle that thing."
Rogue grinned. "No getting arrested." She was a playful woman. Her time with Raven hadn’t helped that in the least. In fact it’d only made it worse. Now she would be more outwardly flirty. Although she did like the stupidly red hair. It was kind of adorable. Now if he could be less dumb for five seconds she’d be less likely to punch him in the face. At least once.
She looked back over her shoulder and her lips twitched into a grin. Oh he was too easy and too much. “Told you not to touch the wire.” she licked her lips, shoulder shaking in silent laughter at his hair. POING. God when did hair actually do that? Her grin hurt she was trying not to laugh out loud soooo hard.
She continued on then paused and looked down as he almost walked into her ass. “Dude.” she said with a hint of laughter on her lips. Oh god, he was just too much. Her eyes were sparkling mischievously, which if he had been Gin, or Logan, or Raven, they’d know she was up to something. But to Renji? Oh lord he had no idea. Rogue took a breath and smiled.
“Well you tip toe up as quiet as possible then push them over, right in the middle.” she tried not to laugh while talking. She knew it was impossible but this was too much fun. WAY too much fun.
His hair really did look frizzy, like he licked a light socket. Given Renji's penchant for thinking he could tackle any foe, he just might try it, if someone said the light socket made fun of his eyebrows.
He listened and gave her a dirty look at her seeming like she was up to something or ready to bust out laughing at him. HE'LL SHOW HER. He stubbornly set his jaw and gnashed his teeth together, getting all geared up to get 'em.
"Alright. I got this," he told Rogue in a low voice, one which wasn't even a whisper and could probably be easily heard if some bucktoothed farmer came out there, he could take them. Pitchfork or not. And - for everyone's information - in Renji's mind, all farmers carried a pitchfork.
He began to move like a ninja, both hands held out as though he was ready to punch whatever else got in his way, and he was ready to start running right at the cow and knock that sucker over.
"...don't laugh," he growled as he approached his meaty foe, like a tattooed, red-haired lion man, out in the wilds, about to attack. No, the wild Renji isn't the smartest sometimes and it's determined nature leads it into many potentially harmful situations. But the Renji is persistent, and with it's thick skull and brute force - not to mention it's propensity to shed it's own blood - it usually prevails in the end and then crawls away while twitching, to recover in moping man silence over how the hunt could have gone differently.
Renji ran and took a flying lunge at the cow, using his shoulder like a battering ram against the cow's side. He was not quiet about it, but instead let out a battle grawrr as he made contact against a big side of beef that was not budging. You retard.
Rogue just set a hand on her hip and watched him languidly. She was just going to soak this in and die laughing later. Something about hilarity in action made her life oh so much better. She tucked her hair behind her eyes and smiled oh so slightly.
His stance alone had her in near giggles, doing her best to NOT bust a gut laughing out loud. She brushed her hand over her forehead as he flying leapt at the poor side of beef, who, was now looking at him like he was from mars. Rogue plucked a clean blade of grass up and stuck it between her lips, chewing on it lightly. This was amusing.
“You wanna try again or want the truth?” she asked as she walked up towards the cow, slender fingers moving to scratch the beast between the eyes lazily.
Meanwhile, Renji looked like he was trying to table flip a dump truck. He had both hands gripped under the cow's chest and belly, and we making a face like he was about to give himself a hernia if he tried any harder. Lift with the knees and not your back, dude. Knees and not the back.
"...shuttup...I got this." So says Mr Guts & Glory, in his quest to cow flip like a mo fo, and be all right and stuff.
Uh huuuuuuuuuuuuuuh.
“You do huh?” she laid her hand on the cow’s nose and smiled patiently at it. “Renji, you can’t tip a cow. They’ve got incredible balance.” she said softly, grinning as she patted the cow’s face. “Which is why the rumors were false.” she bent and plucked a handful of grass from the ground and offered it to the cow. “I swear.”
She laid a hand on his shoulder. “Stop. You’re gonna hurt yerself.” she said after a moment, giggling ever so quietly as she tilted her head. “Ah couldn’t resist, ah’m sorry.”
"........" is the all too intelligent response he got to what she was telling him.
Renji stared at Rogue, then at the cow, then at Rogue again, and then at the cow. The whole time he looked like his brain was trying to put two and two together, right before he took her hand, held it for a moment, and then laid it on the cow's back. That was so he could turn so his back was against the cow and he could dig his heels into the dirt and push like crazy with some more leverage.
"Well don't just stand there. Get in here and help me tip this cow over!" a very stubborn Renji insisted, refusing to give up. THERE HAD TO BE A WAY TO WIN. "Hurry up before I find a tractor and give it a nudge."
That was going to turn into him slowly driving a tractor around after a cow that was probably going to slowly meander around until: A.) the tractor ran out of gas. OR B.) the owner of the tractor and cow came out and chased them off with a pitchfork.
It could happen.
His epic reply had her laughing. She couldn’t help it. She let him move her hand to the cow’s side before laying her head on the poor creatures side and laughing into her hair. She took a breath and pat the poor dear on the side. “Sorry, Marabell” she smiled. Truth was, two people CAN push a cow over. They weighed easily 1500 pounds and it usually took two or more to do it. But Rogue didn’t really want to knock the poor creature over so Renji was going to have to make due with them knocking it a few feet sideways.
Which with Rogue’s help they did manage. The cow sidestepped off balance for a moment and stumbled about two feet sideways. Although Rogue kind of wanted to see Renji TRY to drive a tractor. And chase a cow around. Then she idly wondered if he could even FIGURE out how to drive one.
“Oh, You are too much, Renji.” she giggled softly.
If Renji's face could've gotten beadier-eyed and collapsed into itself, because he was puckering his mouth so hard while his jaw was clenched like that? It would have. There was even a vein popping out on one side of his forehead.
Sure, it had stumbled two feet to one side, but that wasn't it being TIPPED. And that's why he looked, for a moment there, like he was going to have a coronary and headbutt the poor thing until it fell over and had x's for eyes.
"I fuggin' hate you, cow." Epic statement of dissatisfaction was epic. But then again, Renji wasn't exactly known for being eloquent. He was more known for acting out first, and then maybe asking questions later. Big fat maybe. "Stop giggling. You're on the cow's side."
Because that's the only way this couldn't have worked: if Rogue was on the cow's side. Oh yea.
"Ahm not on anyone's side." Though now she was laughing and couldn't stop. That look was perfect. She smiled at him as she was giggling like a crazy person. Oh Renji. Lol you killed Rogue with giggles.
"You can keep trying but ah promise its just a legend darlin." She was leaning on the cow laughing. Her side hurt. Her eyes were glittering.
"If it was just a stupid urban legend, then why's everyone talk about doing it?" DUH. He pressed his shoulder against the cow to try to tip it, then put one arm around it and made a face that basically conveyed a big, fat FFS. Eeesh. "Yeah, yeah. It's REAL funny. THANKS A LOT. I could've gone home and zonked out, but oh nooooooo...."
Now he was out in the middle of nowheresville with a cow that would never get tipped over and a girl with a bad case of the giggle fits. And he didn't see a tractor anywhere nearby, so there went THAT plan.
“Because that’s how urban legends work, sugah. People talk about it all the time, that’s how it works.” she smiled a bit at him. “But be honest now. You had a little fun trying.” she pushed hair out of her eyes. “And you got to spend a little time with cows, where as you usually just turn them into food, right?”
She gave him her patented sweet smile, head tilting a bit. “You don’t get out much do you?” she brushed hair from her eyes once more, trying to decide what she liked about this guy. He was funny, that might actually be enough.
Oh yes, Renji had a few things going for him. He was funny, stubborn, determined, worked his ass off nonstop, and was honest to the point where it was way too blunt for anyone's own good. That much was proven when he gruffed, "The only place a cow belongs is cooked and slapped between a bun."
He wasn't admitting it. He wasn't admitting it. He wasn't... "Fine. WHATEVER. It was a little fun. I'm gonna find a way to flip a cow over, though. You watch."
At least she had stopped laughing, enough that he eyed her and leaned an arm against...well the cow's there, so it's getting leaned against. He's keeping it casual. IT WORKS.
"Nah, not really. I moved into a place to get a break on the rent but I keep getting called into work, because they're being lazy about hiring. They're going to have to. The front counter chick's gonna quit because she's going back to school for...no, wait, I think she's about to pop out a baby. Whatever. What about you? You seem to know more about this country stuff, so I guess you're from wherever ho dunk people come from. Texas. There, that's where they come from. You guys got giant...donuts and belt buckles there."Oh what the hell, dude. Open mouth, insert foot. *facepalm*
Rogue smiled. “Nah, cows get to be on plates as a nice steak, too.” she smiled a bit at him. He was amusing to say the least. “You’re adorable when you try to avoid admitting you had fun.” she said with a very soft laugh as she patted the cow’s side and pushed off her to pull herself up onto the back of another cow just a foot or so away. She stretched and leaned back to watch Renji.
“Ah’m from Louisiana, not Texas. Wrong accent sugah. Ah grew up on a farm and come out here once in awhile ta help out when ah feel the need ta reconnect to something like home.” she said quietly. “And the belt buckles are prizes won at the rodeos, s’why they’re so big.” she offered a faint smile, lips curling lightly as she watched him. The cow she was on didn’t really move, just nommed and enjoyed the evening.
"It was a little fun, but it wasn't like a friggin' parade or anything." So says mister enstubbornated. He pursed his lips so that they puckered out and gave him the appearance of sucking on a sour lemon as he listened to the correction regarding her accent. "Yeah, well Kentucky was my next bet, not...I don't even know where Louise-anna is or whatever you said. Point is you brought me out here with a cow you knew I couldn't tip over and so you rigged this up so I'd lose. Even the farmer knows we're out here."
His eyes practically gleamed with the prospect of a challenge. He even pointed a finger at the tip of her nose - which was cute by the way - as he flat out stated, "I NEED ANOTHER COW."
Because yeah, that'll make the outcome be different.
Rogue arched a brow at him. Only a little fun huh? She sat up and smiled at him, shaking her head a bit. “Louisiana, it’s bottom middle of the States. It’s a decent sized state, lots of gators and stuff.” she said with a smile as she watched him purse his lips. “Kentucky’s right pretty too, though.” she mused.
“Well not really rigged. Ah can’t talk to the cow, but oui, the farmer knows we’re here. “ she didn’t mention the farm had laughed his ass off listening to her tell him about this guy who had gone on and on about cow tipping. Everyone knows it doesn’t work. But she smiled.
“A’ight, there’s plenty to choose from.” she gestured lazily, there were an awful lot of cows out here. Just saying.
"Yeah, well, I wasn't good at geography." Renji folded both arms over his chest in a defensive gesture, because he was a C student at best, and book learning never did him any justice. He always learned by a strictly more hands-on and tactile approach. Which explained why he was looking around for the nearest cow.
Having spied one that looked suitable, he grunted and began stomping his way over to it, slow at first, and then busting out in a run. And it would have been a great attempt at barreling into a cow, had he not put one shoe down in a fresh cow pie and went sliding with his arms flapping wildly. He fell flat on his back a good four feet away from where he had originally started that poor excuse as a slip n' slide, with the remnants of smeared cow poo on his back.
The hills were alive with the sounds of Renji saying, "....GAWD DAMMIT."
Rogue had to lean forward to hug the cow’s neck as she watched him run and step in the cow pie and go sliding along. At the sound of his voice the cows lifted heads here and there to look at him in their slow looking fashion before going back to nomming. Rogue was trying oh so hard not to laugh. No. She swears she was.
Except it wasn’t working as she slid off her cow and landed in the grass, sprawling on her back, laughing under the stars that were coming out. She just let it go, then, no point in trying to not laugh. She managed after a moment to squeak out “Are you alright?” she had to breathe again and try not to lose it. But she lost it anyways. The giggles continued.
"SHUTTUP. I'M FINE." He was trying to get up without making the poo smudge even worse. He finally just gave up and took his jacket off, throwing it aside and wagging one hand out when he got cow poo fingers. He had to pick the jacket up by the sleeve and wipe his fingers off while loudly complaining, "FUGGIN' STINKY ASS COW CRAP."
He did look like he was about finished with cow tipping attempts. For now. He will insist it is still possible, as well as stubbornly want a few more attempts. Just not right now, because he's stinky.
Rogue was giggling hard, still. She looked at him through cow-legs. “Wipe yer hand on the grass, where there’s no cow pies, and you’ll be fine.” she giggled a bit as she pushed herself up to sit and look at him. “Sorry, your face - it was pretty epic to watch. Good slide. Ten out of ten! Ten from the Russian judge.” she said with more giggles. She couldn’t even breathe she was giggling so hard.
“I’m sorry. That wasn’t supposed to happen.” she did manage after a few minutes.
"Why would I rub my hands in the grass when that's what the cows are using as a freakin' toilet?" Renji gave her a staring at like he was going to yell. But no, it never happened. Instead, he growled under his breath and then tried to shrug it off as no big deal. "It happened. It'll probably happen again because I'm going to prove to you that I can flip a cow over, someday."
He pointed over at her, "The Russian judge is going to give me a fifteen when I do it, too."
“Ah look forward to that kind of day.” she pushed hair out of her eyes. “And ya find a clean patch you goof. Alright let’s head back, You need a bath.” she laughed softly. “Ah’ll see you when yer ready to prove me wrong, right?” she fluttered her lashes at him, laughing ever so sweetly.
Dammit, she was cute. His work ethic was harsh though between work, home, and the gym. So he was always erroring on the side of caution. Besides that, he was still pretty much a nobody, if he was working at a damn drive thru. Not too impressive with the ladies at all.
"If you wanna see me before that, we can hang out," he offered, while studying the ground for a safe hand swiping spot. "Up to you. But for right now, yeah, I'm gonna go home and hit the shower and do some damn laundry."
Rogue nodded at him before digging the keys out of her pocket for the bike. She tossed them once, caught them, and smiled. “Sounds good. Anyone letting me take em to a cow field is someone ahd like ta hang out with more, ah think.” she smiled one of her good smiles before heading back. She ducked effortlessly under the fence, paused and called back. “Don’t hit the fence again, silly” before wiggling her fingers at him, and heading out.
Despite the warning? He so did. Zzztttt!