Alma Wade will not give up (its_my_nature) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2012-06-10 17:00:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, alma wade, oliver queen (green arrow), roy harper (red arrow) ii, scott summers (cyclops), wrex |
"We will sue them. For offensiveness. Can we sue twinkies? They offend me."
Who: Alma, Roy, and eventually Scott and Wrex. Briefly Oliver and Gandalf
What: We pose the question: What if Ollie brought Roy magic brownies. Attempts to create life from seamonkeys happen. Also, Hermit Crab Advocacy.
Where: Urdnot Ranch
When: Last night
Status: Complete
Rating: PG-13 for accidental drug use.
Really, it was probably not the best advised plan in the world to begin with, but Oliver was kind of the king of half assed plans that either suceeded, or he threw money at them to make them go away. And well, even if it wasn't strictly LEGAL, it was going to keep a lot of people from killing Roy,and probably keep Roy from running himself into the ground. So it was worth the legal risk, he decided, while he mixed up brownie batter, added a special ingredient, and we're not talking about the pecans, got them poured into the Magic Brownie Pan that was one of his prize house warming gifts, and popped em in the oven. Half an hour and they'd be coming out, and after that he could make a delivery to the ranch.
Gandalf had always approved of magic brownies, and he'd even given Roy his favorite recipe when he sold him the pot!
Roy was mostly trying to live down the newest chaos in his life, the one where several people had seen him do a faceplant in the dirt. The people who hadn't seen had kind of ...passed it along. It was really really not his week at all. Which was probably why he was caught off his guard when he got the message that Oliver was there to see him. Weird. It wasn't like the guy had bothered coming to his shithole of an apartment or anything. Not that Roy would have really wanted that, but...principles and all. Anyway, he shrugged off the fletching he'd been doing, and made his way out.
Alma hadn't witnessed it, but she had heard about it. True to her word, she'd tried to avoid him, even taking a different class instead of archery. It made it okay. Only it didn't.
Regardless, she could smell brownies and snuck to take a look.
"So hey." Oliver was saying, gesturing with the plate of brownies. "Looks like you've had a really shit week even after the vodka and donuts, and I was thinking, what's the one thing I do that might actually help that you're not gonna chew my head off for? " He nodded toward them. "Brownies!" And he looked so gosh darned EAGER, like some kind of puppy who hopes you still like it, or like the trick it did that Roy forgot he was pissed at him,. Well, in a general exasperated way .
Alma wondered if they were home made, home made with store ingrediants or store bought. Obviously, she'd prefer the former.
Roy was blinking a few times at Oliver, like he didn't know if he should be terrified their relationship had gotten to the point that Oliver Was Bringing Brownies To Work like he was some kind of demented Classroom Mom, or just kind of touched that Oliver, in his weird, feeding everyone's problems way, just wanted to help. He decided he was gonna go with that second one. "Uh, thanks." he said at last, kind of awkward. Really, it was a relief that Oliver coudln't, or woudlnt', actually hang around a while. Considering Roy had shown a video on archery safety featuring a younger Oliver exagerating What Not To Do on a range it was probably for the best.
Alma peered around the door frame, like a timid animal peeking out of a cardboard box. Those smelled good. And Roy looked awkard.
"Hey." Roy smiled at Alma when he saw her. "The weirdest thing just happened. And there are brownies. Want one? I should probably warn you that they might have something really weird going on. This is my godfather we're talking about here. He once made chocolate dipped tofu for his girlfriend's potluck and watches way too many of those cooking shows with mystery ingrediants but they smell safe enough."
She came in, and looked at the brownies, before admitting sheepishly, "I have a sweet tooth. Usually for cake, but a brownie sounds really nice, thank you."
"Let's go find some napkins or something then." Roy grinned and quickly dug some out then passed her one and grabbed one for himself. And tensed as he raised it to take a bite of. He didn't know if he was expectiing these to be a repeat of the Chile and peanut butter cupcakes or what, but...shockingly? They were normal. And really good, actually. And didn't seem to have come from a box. Wow. "He MUST have felt guilty." Roy said, more to himself than anything. "Wow."
Alma took a bite. They were delicious, ridiculously so and she let out a little moan, "Oh....these are good!"
Roy had to agree there. Which was probably why a good number of the brownies wound up vanishing.
Alma sat down. The chocolate had improved her mood, and spending time with Roy always....well sometimes improved her mood and othertimes left her a little depressed. She supposed that was normal, with a crush.
Yeah, that definitely sounded pretty normal to Roy. He was starting to feel better too, about, well, everything. And he was also never making fun of Oliver's kitchen experiments again. Well, unless he earned the mockery, he amended in his head. Right now though? About twenty minutes into the whole brownie eating thing, he sprawled across a beat up sofa, looking, well...relaxed. He felt better than he had since he'd learned what he was and who owned him. That was...kind of nice.
Alma perched on the armrest of the sofa. This was surreal. Everything felt lighter. She felt lighter. Like she could float away. She giggled, Roy's mood influencing hers, and hers probably influencing his. This must be what mellow felt like.
Roy had a stupid grin on his face mostly. "Is it just me or are things like...completely ZEN suddenly? Like really really amazingly peaceful and...you know water right? When it's still and calm? I 'm feeling the river right now." And he started giggling too.
"These brownies are so wonderful!" Alma flopped against the back of the couch and patted his foot with her hand, "I'm feeling like..I'm feeling like everything is wonderful!"
Wonderful was her new favorite word.
"Sooo good." Roy didn't even realize how he'd drawn that out. "I mean absolutely amazing. I can't feel my feet." he observed, but didn't care. 'That's really really REALLY strange."
She touched his feet, "But they're right here!"
"What are?" Roy asked her, already onto thinking about something else. "You know what's really weird? cows."
"Your feet!" She lifted his feet up. Then hugged his shin. Like it was best shin, "Cows are..gassy."
Roy kicked said feet lightly, just to watch them a second, totally transfixed. "There's a song about that..." he commented. "About cows producing methane to help the planet."
"Too much methane and we all burn up!" Alma nuzzled his leg. Like it was a big teddy bear of sorts, "You have a..teddy bear foot."
"See, exactly. Cows are these big milk and gas machines." Roy sorta thought the nuzzling felt nice and purred a little. "Like you could have one fueliing some kind of powersource and get a drink at the same time."
"That's..." Alma dropped his foot, "That's ...you're so smart, Roy!"
Roy beamed at her proudly. "You're still pretty smart too, kiddo. We're BOTH really smart." he proclaimed, pleased by this.
Alma felt both smart and stupid at the same time. But everything felt nice and wonderful and amazing, so she wanted to just...enjoy this. And enjoy him, "I enjoy you..."
"You're really amazing, you know?" Roy smiled at her. She was...kind of enjoyable too right now, but he wasn't going to let himself even THINK about the fact that he was thinking about things like that.
"I'm not amazing. You're amazing. You smell like brownies." Alma nodded her head, like this was the MOST AMAZINGLY TRUE FACT IN THE HISTORY OF AMAZINGLY TRUE FACTS.
Roy leaned over and down to sniff her. "Hey, so do you." That was really really cool.
"Really? I do?" Alma sniffed herself and then leaned over and sniffed Roy. Then she tried to lick him, as if he were made of yummy, delicious brownies.
Really, really." Roy just giggled as she leaned in but. "Hey, I don't taste like brownies!" he said, waving his hands in the air exageratedly. "I think I might taste purple though. But purple's knd of nasty."
"No you sound like purple." That made more sense in her head. Alma sprawled onto the couch next to him. Or on top of him, she wasn't sure which, because everything felt pink.
"Sound like purple..." Roy considered that, biting back a little relaxed yawn, then just kind of...drifted off into space there for a while, really stupid grin crossing his face. For some reason, his thoughts were turning to some really weird places. He was about deciding to be an advocate for hermit crab politics, the poor bastards.
Hermit crab politics were complicated politics, since they lived in other peoples' homes. Alma would have some ideas about that! She giggled randomly. There were no dead, no psychic powers, just the sound of purple and the smell of pink.
Exactly! And they could be construed as squatters but it was so much more complex really. Someone had to speak up. Roy decided he was going to go to law school to become a hermit crab lawyer. Somehow, in the midst of this, he wound up getting up to type up his application letter, squinting while he did it. He saved it on the server with his name and date and was pretty pleased with himself. Then, he emailed a copy of it to Wrex to see if he'd proofread it.
Alma helped, throwing in some ideas to help the hermit crab clause. Then she slid down to the ground and clung to Roy's leg. It was after all teddy-bear leg, "That is...a wonderful letter!"
Roy slid down to the ground next to her. "I am gonna be the best hermit crab advocate ever!" he smiled at her. "This will make a brilliant admissions essay."
"What if the hermit crabs don't want you?"
"Well, I suppose I can refine the cause." Roy suggested, appearing to be deep in thought. "I wonder, can you post emptively sue for offensive mascot issues? Cause I think that one gas company with the dinosaur sign is pretty offensive."
"Yes!" Alma beat her palm on Roy's shoulder, "We will sue them. For offensiveness. Can we sue twinkies? They offend me."
"I think we can totally sue twinkies." Roy agreed, jotting this down. "I mean...they're just kind of...twinkieish..." That was descriptive there, Harper.
"And they put..mind control in their creme," Alma whispered. Oh he smelled good. She licked him again and giggled, "That's what all that..high fructose corn...syrup...we should sue corn!"
"Corn wants to overthrow us!" Roy warmed to the idea. "We'd better warn people." ANd his fingers were flying.
"It gets in your bodies and it ...and it metabol....I knew that word once.."
"Metaballs?" Roy offered, then started laughing like he was twelve.
"Metabolism!"
Alma giggled, "Metaballs..."
Roy was still giggling too much to say anything else. Just....Hah!
"I've never had metaballs....."
"Me either, I wonder if we could make them. Maybe the cooking class kitchen..."
"Oh ..oh! you mean MEATBALLS! No I've never had those either!"
"We could make those too." Roy agreed, "I could go for meatballs, definitely. In barbequey sauce or something."
"I am..I am suddenly so very hungry..." Alma tugged on Teddy-leg, "Lets eat!"
"So am I." Roy nodded and got up. "Race you!"
Alma got to her feet and..."Where is the kitchen?"
"This way!" Roy took her hand and lead her out the door, starting to skp a little as he did it.
And Alma skipped right along with him!
As they skipped along, Roy found himself singing a little song to the tune of Silent Night. "Meeeaty balls. Tastey balls. Balls of meat...Oh so sweet.."
"I want to taste your meeeeaty baaalls," Alma sang along!
It was probably really bad that Roy actually made it to one of the teaching kitchens and started looking for things to prepare.
Alma gathered some glasses and turned on the burner on the stove, "I'm going to show you something..sciencey."
"Hells yeah!" Roy looked over from where he'd found instant pudding and a jar of green olives. Hmm. The pudding was green so they'd probably work well together. Powder and olives got added into a small bowl with the milk requested on the package.
Alma held up a finger. She found some kind of ...baking soda? That would work, but, "I need a yeast."
"Hmm..." Roy started rooting around. "Sea monkies eat yeast, don't they?" He asked, finally finding a packet in a cupboard.
"They do!" Alma took the packet, and started working on her little experiment, "We will create life..."
"That sounds excellent." Roy poured the olive and pistachio pudding into some individual serving cups, sprinkled them with pakrika and popped them in a fridge, then leaned on the counter, watching.
Alma wasn't sure what her experiment was but it seemed important some how. Baking soda, sea monkies and yeast. Yes!
Wrex was in a bad mood. A very bad mood. He was stomping through the ranch with a flashlight in his hands, in a pair of sleepy pants and a sleepy shirt, with his bathrobe thrown over it. Roy was obviously on something. And broadcasting that all over the network, again. He was beginning to rethink the idea of setting up a computer lab.
"That is truly amazing." Roy informed her, very serious now. "I mean just awesome. I've always thought it was really inspiring how women create life."
Wrex checked the boy dorms first, then started sifting through the classrooms, muttering to himself. Hermit crabs? Law school? Corn? What the HELL, Roy.
Scott had found the brownies. And confiscated them. To destroy. Unless...well he put them away, to think on later. He found Wrex, "They're in a training kitchen. Someone brought them magic brownies."
Really. Magic brownies. He eyed Scott with a bit of a squint, which might be adult sign language for 'did you actually destroy those brownies or just put them away later', then sighed, "For fuck's sake. They're going to shut me DOWN at this rate."
"Don't know where they might have got them. I think I saw Oliver North drive out. That's my best guess."
"So anyway." Roy continued, leaning in conversationally. "I was thinking about gummi bears. You know, there's this experiment where chem students make them explode. I wonder if it hurts."
"Anything that hurts will explode Roy." Alma giggled, "I mixed that up!"
"Haa!" Roy bounced a little. "You know what we need? Bacon. I've always wanted to weave my own bacon hat."
Wrex rubbed his face with his hand and started heading towards the practice kitchens. He was Not a Happy Kroger Man.
Alma looked at him like he was stupid, "Everyone knows that bacon makes better ties."
"Does it really? Hmm..." Roy took a minute to consider that. "We should ask that designer on the valarnet. See what she thinks."
"Yes!"
"Shall I ask? Is there a computer nearby?" Alma looked around.
"Well, there's my phone." Roy handed it over, keyboard sliding out.
"Put that thing down. And walk away from the .... whatever that is on the stove. You damn kids." Wrex grumbled.
Alma turned the burner off and ran over to Wrex, "Mr. Wrex!" She hugged onto him, "You smell pink!"
"It's LIFE." Roy explained, pointing at the yeast mixture. "She's CREATING it." He added importantly, and then frowned. Wrex looked...upset. He wasn't sure why.
"I smell pink?" Wrex patted Alma on the shoulder, then just shook his head at Roy, "You aren't creating life, kid, you're... creating a mess."
"A huge mess that you won't be adding bacon to. That's just a waste of delicious breakfast meats."
"I am..creating life!" Alma insisted! She knew how, it's just the material were a little fuzzy. "Sea monkeys. Which aren't really primates."
"That's the beauty of it." Roy explained. "Afterwards you enjoy the meat." Then he paused and started laughing.
Alma stared at him, then giggled, "Like your metaballs!"
"That's not how you make Sea Monkeys. And what's this ... with the hermit crabs." he paused as Roy started laughing, and squinted, "You really have been eating special brownies."
"They were amazing." Roy agreed, and then a little sadly, "Scott's apparently confiscated them. I'm really not sure why."
"Because they had POT in them, probably." Wrex souned about an equal mixture of amused and really pissed off.
"They were just brownies!" The best brownies Alma had ever had in her life. She was sad they'd been confiscated, "They were made with special ingrediants! I do not know what though." Oh, "There was a drug in them?!"
"They what?" Roy asked, and the mood he was in started to sink a little. "Holy shit."
"I'm floating." And Wrex still smelled pink.
"You mean to tell me that neither of you knew that the brownies had drugs in them?" Wrex eyed the both of them like they better not even try to lie to him about this, because he would know.
Roy bit his lip hard. He was still plenty giddy zen but this kind of had a way of sobering you up. "No." he said at last, frowning.
"Nooo! They just tasted really good." Alma held up her hand in a ...well it was supposed to be 'cross my heart' but failed miserable.
He let out a very long sigh, as he took the pan and dumped it out, "I believe you. Scott's in the hallway, Roy, why don't you have him help you find your bedroom. Tomorrow I'll get you new sea monkey stuff and we'll do it right."
After he was done screaming at Oliver.
He might need one of those brownies, himself.
Scott would leave one in Wrex's office.
"That's...yeah, a good idea." Roy really was dreading the next morning now that he knew he'd eaten six pot brownies. He just hoped he didn't pass out.
Alma had no idea what was coming and wasn't coherent enough to research.
"OKay, kid, let's get you to your bedroom. Tomorrow we'll write an essay about why we don't take brownies from strangers." He took Alma's hand and started leading her out of the kitchen.
Roy wandered out to find Scott and hoped nobody else had seen him act like..Shit. He'd put details online.
Wrex was actually kind of hoping he'd just stay off the internet for a while.
Scott helped Roy get back to his bedroom, "I'll cover your class tomorrow. Get some rest."
"I owe you one." Roy said as he headed in and tried to get comfortable. "Thanks!"