Literally Pirateninja (shadowcat) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2013-09-24 22:47:00 |
|
|||
Entry tags: | !complete, emma frost (white queen), kitty pryde (shadowcat) |
There was this horrible experience and I couldn't even talk to my girlfriend about it
Who: Kitty and Emma
What: Tea
When: Before the Kitty and Rikku log
Where: Emma's house
Status: complete
Rating: Pg-13 for talk about torture
Emma had tea ready when Kitty arrived, as promised. She was used to this kind of nonsense after almost a year of being on the Valarnet, but it wasn’t any easier to deal with yet. She hoped that would change in time.
She kept her mind open so she could start toward the door when Kitty arrived. In her current condition she needed that much advance warning to make it to the door in any kind of reasonable time.
Kitty walked in a fog. She still needed to find someone to talk to about all her shit, but she put on a cheerful face and put her bad mood out of her mind. She raised her hand to knock.
Emma wasn’t at the door when Kitty arrived, so Kitty had plenty of time to knock. She moved carefully, to make sure she kept her balance. Kitty’s mind felt strange, but she wasn’t actively sharing her thoughts so Emma tried to behave. She’d been burned once letting her telepathy run rampant. “It’s good to see you. Come in.”
“How are you feeling? You look good!” Kitty smiled at her and it was genuine. She came inside, and waved at Emma’s belly.
Emma smiled. “Thank you. It’s difficult to adjust to this. I’m not used to something sticking out more than my breasts.” She gave Kitty a wry smile before making her way back to the kitchen. “How have you been?”
“You’d think that would be impossible,” Kitty joked, her eyes sparkling. “I’ve been..okay. Trying to find a new place, getting the old one repaired, figuring out how to best handle the kids. Looking for a therapist. The usual.”
“A therapist?” Emma asked, but it sounded like she approved of the choice. They all needed intense therapy. “What happened to your place? I know it’s trashed, but not why.”
“Lorna’s evil twin attacked me. Ripped up the kitchen. I had to..uhm..” She shrugged her shoulder. “It’s taken care of.”
Emma nodded, setting a mug of tea in front of Kitty. “That must have been difficult.” Her tone was sympathetic, but not overly so. Kitty could talk about it if she wanted, or she could move on. Emma wasn’t her therapist, so she wouldn’t dig around.
“Just made me realize some things, that’s all.” She shrugged her shoulder, picking up the tea to take a sip. “I don’t deal with grief well.”
It took a great deal of effort to restrain a loving but sarcastic reply. “I was hoping you’d come to that conclusion. I’ve been worried about you since Xi’an died. At first you seemed to be reacting appropriately, but then it seemed you were quite willing to drown your fears in the copious bosoms of whoever came along.”
"Yeah. I mean..that's kind of how it started with Alicia." She looked down at her tea. "But every time I'd want to talk to her about something, I..froze up a little inside, and went with what was safe. By the time the whole..possession happened, I couldn't talk to her about it. I mean..god.." There was a flash of anger in her eyes. "There was this horrible experience and I couldn't even talk to my girlfriend about it, because she couldn't face it. I don't have closure there, and I never will."
Kitty threw up her hands, her voice cracking. "Fucking fuck I'm not even going to say I don't blame her, because she needed to talk about it just as much as I did! So it's all just...there, buried away and twisting around in my stomach like some sickness! I was able to look at her, Emma." She looked up at the blonde woman. "I was able to look at her and swallow the pain. I wanted to work through it and she...left. And it's my fault, because I got her pulled into the crazy, again and again, just because I didn't want to be alone."
That guilt made it hard for her to talk to anyone. This was the most she’d said to anyone about being tortured. Ever.
Emma let it all wash over her, waiting patiently for Kitty to finish speaking. “What you went through was horrible. Even without the fact that it was done by the woman you were dating it’s more than most could ever bear. You aren’t the reason Alicia left, or the reason she was attacked. Alicia’s issues made her leave, and the people who were taken seemed to be random. It would have gone exactly the same if you’d never met her.” Except maybe it wouldn’t hurt Kitty so much. “You’ve had more happen to you than the rest of us, and you’ve come through it all. You can overcome this.”
“If I’d never met her, then when she tortured me I wouldn’t have the cognitive dissonance,” Kitty pointed out. “and I would have had an easier time finding someone to talk to. Maybe. And..I know I can get through it. I’m trying. I just feel like I’m flailing around in the process and gonna hurt someone else or myself before it’s all said and done. I can’t even send the twins the safety. I can’t even figure on if staying or going is best for them or me.”
“You will be safer somewhere else. That is nearly certain. Whether safer if is best for you and them is a decision you’ll need to make. You are flailing a little, at least from what I can see, but if you’re aware of it that means you’re probably almost at the end of it. You’ll have a lot of work to do with your therapist.” Emma sipped her tea. “I assume you’re seeing a dreamer? There are a couple on the network.”
“Yeah. Her name is Rikku. She’s a mechanical genius, and adorable. I...know more than she does. About what’s coming for her.” She rubbed the back of her neck. “I have the video game she’s in.”
“Your therapist.” Emma said, her tone deadpan. “And should you really be dating so soon?”
“Oh. I haven’t found a therapist yet,” Kitty replied, sheepishly.
Emma chuckled. “I see Doctor Lecter, but. . . I’m not sure I can recommend him in good faith. I know that there’s another therapist named Neinor. Lorna is seeing her or at least she arranged to on the network.”
“I’ll look into them. I’d need to see a dreamer, I know.” She was still reluctant. Therapy had sucked in her dreams.
“That was what I was getting at. You’ll only get the therapy you need here, where there are other dreamers. Nobody else in the world can understand what you’ve been through. So you’ll have to decide whether safety or camaraderie is more important to you, but I know your answer already if I know you at all.” Emma’s tone was serious, but not at all arrogant. She’d made the same choice. They all had. They couldn’t leave here, not after they’d been so altered.
“I’m not leaving. I’m not even gonna send the kids to my dad in Chicago. I was tempted, but I..I can’t. I can’t.” They were her kids now and she was going to take care of them.
“Good. Where are you staying right now? We have plenty of room and your kids would be a wonderful distraction from all the nothing I have to do.”
“We’re back at the house, Lorna fixed it up, but I’d rather not stay there if I have to. I had to make them use the safe room and that’s just a little traumatic. Pro-tip - non-ferrous metals rock.”
“So does the ability to become mostly indestructible.” Emma noted with a laugh. “You’re welcome here. I know Scott won’t mind and I’d appreciate the distraction.”
“If you think so...I don’t want to be an imposition.” It wasn’t like she could live with her girlfriend or anything yet. She definitely wasn’t ready for that.
“You wouldn’t be. I’m no martyr, and right now I have little patience for fools, so you can rest assured that this is a sincere offer.” She sipped her tea, hoping Kitty would say yes. She thought the girl could use some steady people in her life, and there were few people steadier than Scott and Emma.
“Can I think about it, and talk it over with the kids?” She asked, after a long moment’s thought.
“Of course. They’ve been through a lot of trauma too. You have to take care of them too, after all.” She patted Kitty’s hand.
“They’re the most important thing in all of this,” she whispered.
“Of course. You won’t get an argument from me. But keeping yourself in good shape directly helps them.”
Kitty nodded, “Thanks Emma. That really means a lot to me.” She sipped at her tea, and met Emma’s eye.”
“You’d do the same for me, I’m sure.” She shrugged. “I like having the means to help my friends, it’s the only thing that makes being a professional heiress worthwhile.”
“It is kind of nice. I don’t have your kind of money, but I like to help people when I can.” Kitty finished her tea. She felt a great deal better about everything. Not perfect. But better.