Rikku is aggressively cheerful. (justrikku) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2013-09-24 18:31:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, kitty pryde (shadowcat), rikku |
Who: Kitty and Rikku.
What: Talkin' about things.
When: Monday afternoon.
Where: Rikku's apartment.
Rating: PG-13.
Status: Complete!
Kitty poked her head into Rikku’s room. “Hon, you in?” Because who needed a key to your girlfriend’s place when you could walk through doors. She had this nervous twitch in her stomach, for no other reason than she still felt a little awkward in her head, but she wanted to see Rikku.
Rikku was laying on her stomach on the bed, assembling a robot contentedly. She looked up when she heard Kitty’s voice. “Yup, I’m here,” she smiled.
“Hey.” She bounced in and plopped next to Rikku, leaning over to see what she was doing, while also running her hand up Rikku’s leg. She felt immediately better, just from physical contact. “Whatcha working on?”
Curling closer to Kitty, Rikku smiled. She sat up to kiss Kitty’s shoulder. “Nothing, really, just messing around. What’re you up to?”
Smiling, Kitty nuzzled her nose into Rikku’s hair. The girl smelled really, really nice. “Nothing, just wanted to stop by. See you and...stuff.”
That made Rikku smile, and she wrapped her arms around Kitty. “I like seeing you. How’re you doing, anyway?” She reached up to stroke Kitty’s cheek, hoping her pretty much girlfriend felt better about life.
“Better. I still need to find a counselor, but just...talking about things with people helps.” She closed her eyes and leaned into the touch, moving her head like she actually was a kitty.
“You always bottle things up, Kittykitty. You can’t do that. You have to talk about things - you have to tell people how you feel. Kitty, you know that I know that you’ll always love her, right? That’s not a bad thing. The people we love that go away, they never really leave us. We always love them. That’s not bad, that’s just how life is.”
She looked down at Rikku. “I know… I know. It doesn’t make it easier, but I still feel guilty. Guilt for her. Guilt for you. I mean...sometimes I don’t know if I can talk to you about something, because of how serious the conversation would be. And I know that’s bad of me.”
“How about you let me decide that?” Rikku looked up at Kitty, her green eyes wide. “I know my own limits.”
“You sure?” She asked, looking down at Rikku again. She pressed a hand to her cheek and stroked it. “I don’t want to hurt you, Rikku.”
“You’re hurting yourself and that hurts me.” Rikku turned her head to press a kiss to Kitty’s palm.
Kitty suddenly glomped her arms around Rikku and flopped back onto the bed with her, so they were laying diagonally across it. “I’m scared that what I’m not feeling is real. I’m pissed at myself because after the ...whole thing at the house last week, the person who’s arms I wanted around me wasn’t you. I feel like I’m a bad person because I can’t let go of Xi’an yet still fool around and goof around like she never even existed.”
Rikku held onto Kitty’s hand, trying to think of what to say. “Do you goof around and feel guilty? Or does it help? You never really mourned your wife, did you?”
“Uhm. I started going really dark...If it wasn’t for the kids, I would probably have gotten lost in whiskey. Got..really brutal with the whole beating up bad guys thing.” She still did, to an extent. “I decided instead to try to do happy things, because she’d want me to be happy. But I always feel guilty.”
“You blame yourself.” Rikku was pretty good at figuring out how people felt, and she sat up. “For what happened.”
“Because it was my fault.” She looked up at Rikku. Kitty’s hair was splayed out beneath her head like a halo. “Because if I’d left well enough alone, I wouldn’t have been targeted, and two hundred people wouldn’t have died.” The thing that sometimes kept her up at night, besides the last look in Xi’an’s eyes, were the children on that plane.
“What do you mean?” Rikku pulled her knees to her chest, her green eyes meeting Kitty’s.
“There’s this group called Cerberus. I did some hacking of them. One time they followed us and we had to stay in a hotel that night because we didn’t want to lead them home.” She worried at her finger with her teeth. “Terrorists. Really bad people. What took out the plane was a missile. I remember seeing a flash of it just before it hit the tail…” She closed her eyes. “If I’d been in my seat, I coulda saved her. But I’d gone to the bathroom. I almost touched her. I almost had her…”
“Why did you hack them?” Rikku just looked at Kitty. “Kitty. It’s not your fault you had to go to the bathroom. It’s just not.”
“It was a favor to someone. They’re bad people. In some really bad shit.” She sighed. “It didn’t even start there,really. Started a long time before that. Back when I was first dreaming of being a ninja. Me and Obi were practicing parkour in an abandoned warehouse. It wasn’t really that abandoned. There were crates there, with weapons and the Cerberus logo. We didn’t really understand at the time.”
“Then they probably would’ve found you anyway, even without the hacking. Not your fault.” Rikku folded her arms. “Would she have blamed you?”
“No. Never. The twins were safe. They weren’t on the plane.” She didn’t say it, but she thought she might have just walked into the flame if they had been.
“If she wouldn’t blame you, why blame yourself?” Rikku bit her lower lip.
“Because my mother drilled it into me for years,” Kitty said, deadpanned. She opened her eyes and looked up at Rikku. “It was my responsibility. I have to own up to that.”
“It’s not,” Rikku said insistently.
“I couldn’t keep my nose out of it! If I hadn’t...or if I’d…” There were a thousand what ifs and they all would make everything better.
“No. There’s no more what ifs, because it happened, Kitty. It happened, and that’s the part you have to accept. It happened, and it’s not fair, and if I could bring her back for you I would.” Rikku sniffled, wiping at her cheeks with the back of her hand.
Kitty rolled onto her side, and buried her face into Rikku’s stomach. She wanted to draw comfort, and if she was using Rikku for that then so be it. She still cared about her and it wasn’t because she didn’t want to be alone. “Why can’t we be normal people?”
“Because you’re extraordinary, Kittykitty.” Rikku smiled and looked down. “I dream I try to save Yunie from stuff like that. I’ll try to save you from now on too.”
“You’re amazing and sweet,” Kitty replied, reaching up to tug Rikku down on top of her. “I don’t know how you haven’t gone run screaming away from me. I couldn’t blame you if you did. I just want you happy, and safe, and...fuck I just want to be happy too.”
“All you can do is try.” And that was the part that Kitty needed to get on the bandwagon with.
She looked into Rikku’s eyes, her fingers tracing patterns in the skin of the girl’s arm. She slid her hand up to her shoulder, eyes falling to Rikku’s lips. “I have an idea on how to get started on the happy part...”
Rikku laughed. “Does your libido ever stop? Am I gonna be such a perv when I’m old?” Rikku liked teasing her girlfriend and was forever making cradle robbing jokes.
“I got turned on once, and I haven’t figured out how to get turned off,” Kitty joked. She deftly started to work at Rikku’s clothing, then hesitated. “You can say no you know. When you don’t want to.”
“That makes way more sense. And I always want to too, I just ... want it to be right for you.” Rikku blushed. “I’m such a goober.”
“Yeah, but you’re my goober,” Kitty replied, pulling her shirt up and grinning at the blonde. “My beautiful blushing goober.”
“You’re so sweet,” Rikku teased, blowing a raspberry on Kitty’s neck. “Make with the nudity, grandma.”
She tilted her head back with a little gasp, then phased their clothing off and tossed it all aside. “If I’m so old maybe you need to show me how you young whipersnappers do it!”
“Oh no, don’t break a hip,” Rikku giggled, pouncing on her.