Bella Donna Boudreaux is a cheerful assassin (petitmort) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2013-09-21 08:53:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, bella donna boudreaux, nicholas d. wolfwood |
Who: Belle Boudreaux and Nicholas D. Wolfwood
What: talking
When: 9/21 early evening
Where: Nicholas's place
Rating: PG
Status: complete
Belle was in the bathtub when she finally remembered Wolfwood. Like many of the memories it all came rushing back once she got one little part of it going. His hands, playing pool together, the combination of love and regret she felt when they were together. She gasped and got out quickly, nearly running to put her clothes on. She knew now why he’d been in agony when they were together. Her heart hurt in sympathy for him. How hard had these past three days been for him?
She yelled out to her handler that she needed to leave while she dressed, pulling on whatever was closest. She didn’t remember the overnight bag, but she didn’t care, either. She needed to thank him for his kindness and patience, and she had something important to tell him. She didn’t care about the consequences anymore. Remembering her job hadn’t been half as emotional as remembering him. Her handler was surprised to see her in such a state, but he agreed to take her to Wolfwood after she asked him over and over, ignoring all his protests.
She fidgeted the whole way, barely remember to text him before she got there so he wouldn’t be surprised. She got out of the car as soon as it stopped and rushed to his door, banging on it loudly in her excitement.
Wolfwood had been in the shower himself, so he’d barely had time to check his texts afterward before he heard the knocks on the door. “Coming!” he called, quickly slipping into sweat pants and a t-shirt before going to get it.
He looked into the peephole and felt his heart drop into his gut; Belle was standing there impatiently. Was she afraid of something? He yanked open the door, still careful not to call her by that name, not since she’d objected. “Hey, what are you doing here?”
She wanted to latch on to him and hug him, but she hesitated. “I remember you. We met right after some kind of event, and I spent our first two minutes together checking you out and wondering if it was true what they said about the size of a man’s junk being proportional to his height.” She quickly stepped in and closed the door, leaving her handler outside. She locked it for good measure.
Wolfwood swallowed. “Belle?” Really her? Not whatever facsimile had been there in the last few days?
She nodded, moving closer. “Oui. I just remembered, and then when I had one memory the rest just. . . it all came at once and-” She hugged him tight. “I. . . you said. . .” God this was hard. Why was this hard? She’d done so many stupid and dangerous things, and three little words were hanging her up? “Je t’aime.” She finished, cursing herself for her cowardice internally.
He didn’t know what that meant, but the way she looked scared, he wasn’t sure he shouldn’t be. “What did you remember I said?” Fuck, was she going to break up with him now after all they’d just been through?
She took a deep breath. “You said you love me. I love you too.” There. Finally. She met his eyes this time, her hands gripping his upper arms hard. This was terrifying, but she felt so relieved she could barely stand it.
Damn if that didn’t bring tears to his eyes. Wolfwood blinked a little, smiling. “I didn’t even mean to say it. It just slipped out and I kicked my ass for it.” But he wasn’t gonna take it back. He moved to hug her, at first gently, in case she objected.
She hugged him tight again, her heart pounding in her chest. “I’m sorry you felt bad about it. I’ve been so stupid.”
Wolfwood hugged her as tight as he dared, all the pain flooding back, and the sheer relief that she had come around. “I meant it,” was all he said. She didn’t have anything to apologize for, but he wasn’t going to waste time trying to convince her.
She held him for a long time, squeezing him tight. She’d been such a fool, and hurt him in the process. She backed up eventually, brushing tears away from her eyes. She wasn’t quite crying, but all the emotions she felt were overwhelming. “I don’t know what this’ll mean for us in the long run. I want there t’ be a long run. A really, really long run.” She just didn’t know what that would mean. She didn’t remember Shepard’s offer, yet.
Wolfwood had to smile, remembering his talk with Shepard before all this shit had gone down. “I was talking to Shepard a while ago about ways to transfer, or even retire - not necessarily because of you, but because I’m thinking the odds of me not getting killed in Pakistan are steadily getting slimmer, and now I’d retire with a lieutenant’s pension. I didn’t want to bring it up with you because I didn’t think it was fair to make you choose between me and your job.” He still didn’t. But he couldn’t be in denial about how he felt, either.
Belle nodded, but none of that rang any bells yet. “I’d like you not t’ get killed. I’ll ask ‘er about it later.” She took a deep breath and sighed. “I got retired anyway, so I’m gonna be lookin’ for work real soon anyway.”
She looked a little bit lost still. “Do you remember Shepard? Anything I can fill in?” Then the enormity of what she said kicked in. “Wait. You ... are you sure? Your job, your secret work - they let you go?”
She nodded and sighed. “My handler basically said that they think I lost my nerve, ‘cause what happened looks like a mental breakdown, or somethin’ like that.” Even though she didn’t have all her memories back, she was kind of hurt by that. She wasn’t a coward, except about romantic things, but she couldn’t really challenge them on it. “Lost my telepathy, too. Maybe they’re right about me not ever gettin’ back up t’ where I was.”
Wolfwood felt sick for her. “That’s ... insulting.” He said softly. “You’re the strongest person I’ve ever met.” And no, he wasn’t blowing smoke up her ass. “I’ve seen thousands of cases of PTSD, and that wasn’t what you were doing. Though you’ll forgive me, I hope, for being kinda glad about the telepathy part.” It had only seemed to burden her.
She sighed. “He said I could challenge it, but it wasn’t likely I’d win, and I don’t have that kinda energy. He said I’d have a happier life if I took the retirement. Don’t miss the telepathy much, t’ be honest. I felt terrible when I heard things I wasn’t s’posed to.” She rested her head on his chest, just glad to be with him again.
“Jesus.” Wolfwood genuinely felt bad for her, and said as much. “I’m sorry. I really am. I know you loved it. I wish we knew why whatever happened, happened.” They’d been at his place when she’d simply refused to wake up - he’d wondered for a few minutes if he’d somehow caused it. But he didn’t let go of her.
“Dunno.” She shrugged. “Right now I’m tryin’ not to worry about it.” She stood on her toes so she could kiss him softly. “Let’s be happy for right now, ‘kay? We’ve got nothin’ but time together, and I’m done actin’ like a jerk ‘cause I’m afraid.”
He kissed her a little harder, still with his arms wrapped around her body. “I love you,” he said quietly, though a rueful grin soon appeared on his face. “Shepard’s going to laugh so hard.”
Belle rolled her eyes. “Shepard can kiss my ass. Things happen in their own time, no matter how much anyone meddles.” She wasn’t too upset, she was still grinning widely. “I love you too. I’m so glad I met you, cheri.” She stroked his face softly, meeting his eyes. She was grinning like a fool, and probably acting like one too, but she didn’t care. After years of isolation she felt like she was becoming a whole person, and that was an exciting feeling.
“The first time I met you face to face was at your desk at Frost Enterprises, and I was almost scared to flirt with you, being so competent and ... I don’t know. You didn’t look much fun.” Wolfwood smirked a little, kissing her once more. He stroked her hair, feeling more of the fear and regret bleed away.
Belle snorted. “So, did I prove your first impression wrong, or should I try t’ be more fun?”
“You proved me wrong.” Wolfwood laughed. “I don’t know if you remember our first date yet, but it was really fun.” He wanted to go into it more, but he was still afraid that she wouldn’t get it, that she’d look at him with the same lost confusion. It might be selfish, but he really couldn’t face that again.
“So, I meant t’ ask once we got more comfortable with each other, but I never got around t’ it. Were you bothered or turned on when you saw that I had knives on under my dress?” She asked it in a seductive tone of voice, smirking widely at him. “At the time I was worried it would be a turn off, but now I’m willin’ t’ bet I was dead wrong.”
“Little of both.” Wolfwood smirked right back. “I mean, I listened to the briefing about gorgeous enemy spies, same as everyone in basic. But I’m a lieutenant, not a major, and I don’t know anything anyway. I figured worst-case scenario, you’d tie me up and mess with me for a while before escaping out the window.”
“Oooh, don’t give me ideas.” She said with a wink. “I could still blame it on my brain misfirin’ right now.” She pulled away and led him toward his couch. She needed to be close to him, to make up for the time she’d spent clueless about him. “You’re a wonderful man, Nicholas.”
He followed, sitting down and letting her sit nearby or climb on his lap or whatever she wanted. “You’re ... I don’t know. Interesting, and gorgeous, and kind and mellow and so sexy.” Pretty close to perfect for him.
She settled in his lap, resting her head on his chest. “You’re all of that to me, too. Never met anyone kinder than you, and so loyal.” She kissed the underside of his chin, her mind straying to other needs she wanted taken care of.
He sighed, closing his eyes, one hand in her hair. “I wondered if I was losing my mind for a while.” Wolfwood told her. “Cause I really just figured I’d be okay whenever you got transferred. Maybe a little bummed out. But then I really thought about it and just felt sick to my stomach. And then all this.” Torture, though he wasn’t about to tell her that.
She stroked her fingers through his hair as well, her hand resting on the back of his neck. “I’m so sorry. I never wanted t’ make you upset. Maybe you woulda been okay with me leavin’, if it wasn’t like that. I sure as hell don’t have any intention of doin’ that shit again.” She wondered what had caused it. Not a traumatic event, she knew she’d been next to Wolfwood all night. “I wish I could promise it won’t happen again.”
“It isn’t your fault. And if it does happen again, at least I know it might undo itself.” He felt scared, yeah, but he couldn’t leave her. “Honestly, what I was scared of the most was that I just felt like I loved you because of the situation.” It wouldn’t have been fair to either of them. “But I mean, even now, when you’re on your way back to 100%? I’d just - ” His breath hitched, and he hated himself for looking like a moron. “Swear, Belle, if I could have swapped places with you, I would have.”
“I’d never accept that trade.” She said it seriously, her playfulness evaporating. “I’d never let you hurt ’cherself on my account.” Her gaze was intense as she met his. “I’d never forgive myself if anythin’ happened to you, cheri. ‘Specially if it was t’ save me.”
“It was at least partly hyperbole, but I mean. I want to keep you safe, and that actually made me feel better at the time, because it meant I wasn’t imagining things. That I was actually in love with you, and not just worried sick. Does that make any sense at all?” He wasn’t even sure anymore. He wanted to just kiss the breath out of her, but he was still scared to do it; she remembered him, but who knew what she was still missing?
“Oh, I understand now.” She laughed a little, her body relaxing. “I knew before it happened. Fuckin’ everyone knew, and I heard about it from all of ‘em.” She rolled her eyes a little. “I loved you when you were sick, and I brushed it off for the same reason you did. But I loved you afterward too. Moreso every time we met, until my heart hurt with it. I was so afraid. I’m sorry I was an idiot.” She needed to make her mistake up to him in any and every way she could think of.
It helped, listening to her. He wanted to quit being so tentative, so he just said it. “Unless you have any substantive objections, I’m really going to kiss you now.” It felt like forever had passed since he’d been able to, and he would have denied thinking it if she’d still been able to hear, but he felt calmer when she was near.
She didn’t bother to reply verbally. Her mouth had better things to do. She pulled his head down just a little, pressing her lips gently to his. She needed this as much as he did, and while they kissed there was nothing in the world that mattered a bit. It was like her first kiss, in a way. She couldn’t remember her real first kiss yet, but the pleasure and satisfaction of this moment was so overwhelming and beautiful it brought tears to her eyes.
Only in movies were people healed by touch or whatever, but it did calm him down. It helped him remember that things, at least at this point, were going to be okay. He’d said his piece and she’d said it back, and even though he still felt bad about her losing her job, they loved each other and this might just fucking work.
He held it until he couldn’t breathe, and when he finally broke away, he sighed. “I just have to ask. At the hospital, you could barely read ... you didn’t know what some fundamental things were. Do you know what going to bed means?” He could get blunter if he had to. But this was important; he wasn’t going to pick her up and carry her to bed like he’d done before if it would scare her. But if he could, he would - it would be like nothing had happened, that way.
Belle laughed. “Okay, so this is gonna say some pretty bad things about me, but I remembered sex first. When you put the second gown on me, and your hands brushed over my shoulders.” She wasn’t blushing this time. “I remember sex, and I really wanna go t’ bed with you right now.”
Oh, thank God. Wolfwood chuckled, kissing her one more time. “I had to ask.” He tipped her onto the couch, rose, and picked her up, using his back and knees. He’d never really bought into the idea of life-affirming sex, but this was probably going to fall into that category.
She laughed, wrapping her arm around his shoulder. “You’re gonna give yourself a hernia carryin’ me around all the time.” She’d start protesting about it tomorrow. Tonight it was sweet and made her feel cared for. She stroked his neck delicately, shedding her shoes as they went.
“Honey, you overestimate how much you weigh.” The banter felt good. Felt normal. Wolfwood carried her into the bedroom, intent on removing clothes. There would be lovemaking until they both hurt, if he had his way.