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Obi-Wan is aging surprisingly well (obi1) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2013-09-08 12:56:00

Who: Obi-Wan and Faiza
What: Talking it out, Starting over
Where: Obi (And Loras's) Place
When: Last Wednesday Night
Status: Complete
Rating: PG, For Angst



Usually, Obi-Wan and Faiza met at her home, not his. There was no real reason for this, except that his place could get rather crowded with three dogs, Loras, Margaery, and occasionally Grandmother Tyrell. The fact that Obi-Wan had invited her over in spite of this had more to do with his fifteen-hour-total flight than anything else, and the fear he would fall asleep at the wheel if he tried to drive. In reality, there were plenty of places to speak in private: his room, his basement workshop, and the yard out back; but as luck had it, Loras happened to have a date with Renly, and Margaery's social calendar kept her as busy as a girl her age ought to be. Aside from the dogs, they had the home to themselves. They had the freedom to talk things out for as long as they needed.

Faiza was a little nervous. While she put on a brave face she’d been constantly second guessing herself and working herself to distraction.

She hated feeling this way. She didn’t even know how to tell Obi she was treating his ex-girlfriend for cancer. Dani had said it was okay - because it was impossible to hide things from him.

She drove up and then got out of the car.

Obi-Wan was fresh out of the shower and it was not the first he’d taken that day. There was something about sitting on an airplane--among other horrors--that made it seemingly impossible to feel clean afterward. The air itself was thick and grimy. The next time he flew, it would be far too soon.

As he dressed, he could hear Faiza’s car pull up and the door close, followed by her footsteps up the path to the small Spanish-style home that Loras had welcomed him into a year ago. The dogs began to yip and his heart quickened at all the sounds with a mixture of excitement and anxiety. Looking out the window, he caught a glimpse of her shoulder, and he grabbed a shirt to pull over his head before descending the staircase.

Faiza fidgeted on the step. It felt like he’d been gone longer than he had, and she didn’t know if that was good or bad. She didn’t even know if he’d found whatever he’d needed to find. About himself, or whatever.

“Bugger,” She muttered.

As he placed his hand on the door knob, Obi-Wan sensed a trepidation that matched his own. It caused him to pause for a moment, just enough time to take a breath. He, too, felt like his time away was much longer than it actually was. It was a lot of time spent in meditation, seeking out new ways to clear his mind. But still, he’d continually had to tell himself not to worry about the first time he saw Faiza again. It was difficult. He knew what he hoped for, he knew what would be beautiful… but he also knew he couldn’t keep talking her into giving him what he wanted. It wasn’t right. He had to let things be, however it turned out. Organically.

Obi-Wan opened the door.

She smiled when she saw him, a warm smile behind all the fidgeting. “Did you have a good trip? I’m sorry I didn’t reply to your post but I wanted to talk to you in person instead of over the internet it’s more personal that way isn’t it, duck? Did you find what you were looking for?” Breathe, Faiza. Breathe.

He was well acquainted with her tendency to run at the mouth when she was nervous. Things she was worried about tended to flow out of her. Instead of answering her right away, Obi-Wan stepped forward and embraced her on the front step--though he didn’t presume to kiss her. He quietly breathed in the scent of her that he’d so missed. “It was more about letting things go,” he said.

She hugged him back, closing her eyes and resting her chin on his shoulder. She just hoped he’d gotten his head sorted. Prayed, really, because she didn’t know what she’d do if he hadn’t.

Truthfully, there was a chance he’d never have his head completely sorted. The was just far too much in it. But that was a question he sensed, not something she had voiced. For a moment, he closed his eyes, too, before bringing her inside, where the dogs were eagerly waiting.

She brushed her hands over the fur of one of the dogs as she passed, her nerves settling firmly into her gut.

Obi-Wan closed the door. There was still water clinging to him from the shower, and the droplets were starting to cool. “Once I went to Scotland, I visited my mother’s grave, which I’d never done before,” he said heavily. “And I was also able to track down one of my biological sisters.”

“How did that go?” She tucked some hair back into her scarf, stepping aside to give him some room.

Wading through the dogs, Obi-Wan moved to the sofa and sat. “It went well, I think. She was startled to see me turn up, but happy. We talked about our mother for a long time. It was good for me to hear some happier stories, from when she was younger.”

“That’s good…” She rubbed at her arm, then sat next to Obi-wan. “It’s good to reconnect with family. It’s good that she was willing to reconnect.”

“Yes,” he said, folding his hands between his knees and sighing. His slight smile showed some peace, at least concerning that matter. Faiza was still giving every indication that she was very nervous. He swallowed. “But reconnecting with someone… it’s most important to me that person be you.”

She nodded her head, and squared her shoulders. “I’ve missed you. But I’m still going to stand firm that you need to look to yourself before you can look to anyone else.” And she still had her wonders about his feelings for Dani. They’d seemed so…strong, that she’d understood his fears about Dane.

He worked his jaw for a moment, taking the time to think before he spoke. He wanted to be sure of everything he said. “I know what I said before, about needing to be everything to you. What I should have said was that I needed reassurance, because I was full of anger and fear.”

“And yet, what I told you wasn’t enough,” she pointed out, gently. She reached over and took his hand.

“Not at the time, no.” Obi-Wan ran his thumb across the skin below her thumb, along the heel of her palm. “I’m stubborn, even when it means I prefer to keep suffering. It’s… the truth about me. You’ve witnessed it more than once now.”

“More times than I’d like, yes.” She didn’t pull away, simply looked at him and waited for him to talk.

"So I guess the only thing I need to hear from you now..." He looked upward toward the ceiling and blinked. His eyes themselves had become a little red. "...Is how many more times you think you can stand it. I love you, Faiza. But you're so easy to love. I know for a fact that I'm not--and I say that with an even head--if I found anything while I was away, it's a deeper patience with myself. But I have a past and a personality that's complicated and... difficult for just about everyone I'm close with."

“You’re a hard man to love. you beat yourself up over and over and put up a bloody wall so high it’s like scaling Everest to get past it….” She wasn’t looking at him, and instead at the wall in front of her. “But I love you nonetheless.”

His eyelids still fluttering, Obi-Wan lowered his head with a nod. He believed her without question. But the truth was two people could love each other and still be ill-suited as lovers. He didn't want to keep talking Faiza into giving him one last chance over and over again, and he knew she wouldn't let him, either. "I know, on both counts."

“What do you want, Obi-wan?” She looked at him, eyes a little watery. “Forget everything else. In your heart, what do you want?” Or who?

"You," he said without any lag. "I love you. And despite what I said that day, I trust you. With everything. I... I bought you a ring, even though I've been waiting for a better moment to give it to you. But... If I asked you, right now, to marry me, could you even consider it?"

Faiza’s breath caught in her throat, and she stared at Obi-wan. When she could find her voice again, she said. “I...well of course I’d think about it, just do you think this is even the right time? Would you really want to tie yourself to me, when I work so much?”

“No, it’s certainly not the right time,” he said. “You and I keep hitting these walls, finding more reasons to push things back. How long ago was it that we talked about moving in together? It’s… I love you. I want to be with you. But if it just… doesn’t work…?” His voice lifted, like it was a question. His hands were starting to tremble, now.

She didn’t know, she just didn’t know. She knew what she wanted but she didn’t know if it was what he wanted. It was one thing to say something, but actions were what counted, and Obi-wan’s actions had been confusing at best. She gnawed on her lower lip. “I don’t know if I could handle it not working out.”

Obi-Wan lifted his hands and rubbed his face. Beneath his palms, the skin was hot. “I don’t think I could either.”

Faiza let out a little, frayed laugh. It was the first outward sign of her mental state beyond just the fidgeting. "What does that even say about us?"

His hands dropped back into his lap. What he thought it said was that they were two people who desperately wished their circumstances were different, but well aware that they didn’t have the means to change much. “That we’re both stubborn,” Obi-Wan sighed.

“Can we make stubborn win in the end?” Faiza replied, tilting her head and seeming to relax just a teensy bit.

In spite of everything, Obi-Wan suddenly laughed. It was only a brief sound, more like air rushing out of his lungs, but a smile had slipped in. He finally turned to look back to Faiza. “Perhaps if we stubbornly refuse to give up.”

“I’m not a quitter, but I do know it’s easy enough to be worn down, like a rock against the dust storm,” she said, quietly hinting that he could be abrasive, just like sand.

He, too, was well aware of his weariness. His mind wanted to approach this rationally, but his heart wanted more than that, and it had always been a challenge for him to get the two to work together. "I know I don't want to keep making you unhappy. I can work on being more open and less walled off, but part of me is worried that it will just be a lateral move, instead of an improvement. I feel everything so deeply. It frightens me when I can't control it. When I shut down, it's a...survival mechanism, I suppose. I remember when my teacher died, how I avenged him--I was so full of anger, it didn't feel like a victory. I've been so determined to do the opposite ever since--through two lifetimes now." There was a little crack in his walls.

“You can’t close yourself off, just like you can’t let yourself go full tilt. It’s like…” she used Star Trek as an example. “You can’t go full on Vulcan and suppress your emotions, but you can’t just let them run wild either. You have to let yourself feel.”

He quirked a Spock-like eyebrow. Then, he reached out for Faiza’s hand. Her skin was the color of a dark tea and velvety to the touch. “I do feel. Quite a lot. It’s expressing it the right way that’s difficult. And...” he sighed. “I understand how hard that is for you.”

She nodded, ducking her head and looking at their hands. “I love you, Obi-wan. I’m just tired of all this up in the air and these questions.”

“I’m sorry the answers I have aren’t the ones you want to hear,” he said, adopting the same position as her. “But I’ve spent enough time searching myself to know that even when I’m in the best possible state of mind, it’s still… intrinsic to my personality. I could be with you forever, but if you don’t think you can live with this, then I honestly understand. And I’d still believe you loved me.”

“What would be worse? Giving up now, or giving up five years down the road?” She asked, honestly.

“God,” he sighed, scratching his beard. “Are those our only two choices?” He knew the answer, though, and what would be worse. His whole body felt like he had been sideswiped by a speeder.

“Of course not, just the two worse case scenarios,” Faiza replied, though her expression was forlorn. She wanted nothing more than to collapse into his arms and kiss him.

Obi-Wan’s fingers moved to her temple. He brushed back the edge of her scarf, touching the dark curls beneath. “It would be worse if it was later and there were children involved. Or do you think it would be worse risking that they could end up like me?” A chuckle may have been appropriate.

“Considering our ‘extended’ family,” she replied, making air quotes. “That’ll probably be tempered. She’ll have an Auntie Kitty.”

He cracked a smile. "Our child could have worse influences. Like that nutter Stark."

Faiza laughed. “I don’t know, running around in a suit would be fantastic protection!”

“If only we had his billions,” he said, moving his hand along her jawline before finally letting it fall again. He wanted to kiss her very much, too, kiss her until the heaviness in his heart lifted. Sensing even the slightest turn in Faiza’s emotions gave him some hope. “You don’t doubt that I love you, do you?”

“I’d give it all away anyway,” Faiza said, shaking her head so hard her scarf fell off. “Of course not! I know you love me. I know I love you. But contrary to popular culture, love isn’t always enough. We need that solid foundation…”

Yes, Obi-Wan agreed. He was a pragmatic thinker, but more importantly, he'd experienced this truth one too many times, and with different kinds of love. "From you, I would need to trust that you can withstand me, I suppose. And that you will try to calm me, when I need that, as well. What do you need most from me?"

Faiza thought about that for a moment. “That you can respect me enough to come to me when you have something you need to talk about, or when you’re having one of your moments of emotional doubt.”

“That’s really the key, isn’t it?” Obi-Wan sighed with the faintest of smiles. “I need to actually keep you informed about what I’m going through. Otherwise, your hands are tied.”

“And it’s frustrating. It makes me wonder if I’m the one who’s not enough, and that really is a terrible feeling…”

He wanted to reach for her so much, now; he just wanted to hold her. "No, it's not you at all, Faiza. It's a misplaced instinct to protect you from myself."

“What if I don’t want you to protect me from yourself?” she said, stubbornly.

"I know you don't," he said almost solemnly. "And I imagine it's a little insulting, too, isn't it? Really, I think you're incredibly brave, Faiza. A strong woman. It's why I'm so attracted to you. One of many reasons."

She looked up to meet his eyes, and rested her chin on her hands while she did so. “Do you think maybe, we should start over?”

Obi-Wan scratched his beard. All the water from the shower had evaporated by now, turning his hair from brown to red once more. In fact, he was suddenly quite warm, flushed even. Reaching for the scarf she’d discarded, he rubbed the material between his fingers. “And what would starting over entail?”

“I’m Faiza,” Faiza said, with a smile. She put her hand over his and rubbed lightly. “Would you like to have tea with me sometime?”

He turned his hand over, so they were palm to palm. “I would like that very much, Ms. Faiza.” His smile finally reached his eyes. “Obi-Wan, by the way. ...Oh, and for full disclosure, I happen to be a Jedi.”